Strange

It's strange for a child of God to be paralyzed by fear, isn't it?

Totally out of place.

I was recently given an amazing opportunity to allow God to fill me through the unexpected generosity of others. And rather than grasp at the opportunity to experience it fully, I went only half way.

Because I was paralyzed.

I had numerous opportunities to take a step... would get almost there, and then walk away.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.


Then I got up the courage to say, "I'm here."
And something amazing happened.

I sat next to a total stranger and poured out so much of my life story.
Why? I don't know.
It was totally out of character.
Sure, I reveal some of myself here but, with a couple of notable exceptions, I'll never have to face any of you on this side of heaven.
It's easier to write it down.
I don't talk to people face-to-face who I don't know, as a rule.
Never. Ever.

But something was happening there, inside of me.
And as I talked, and this precious woman listened, I began to see my life from a different perspective.

All the things that I rarely mention but so often wallow in became opportunities to see God's hand at work in my life rather than examples of my shame. The words came tumbling out of me and rather than see my life as one failure after another, it became one sign after another of God's ever-present influence, even in the darkest moments.

And I learned something important...
God doesn't always go for the dramatic.

Sometimes God changes people in an instant. Sometimes He takes away addictions and struggles and heartaches and pain in the blink of an eye.

And sometimes He doesn't.

Sometimes we have to turn to Him every day and say, "Just today Lord. Be enough just for today." And then we wake up the next day and start again.

And that's OK.

Using up Today

Just a short something-to-think-about....
When I came back to work from my weekend last week, a huge poster was tacked to the wall with this message:

Don't allow yesterday to use up too much of today. ~ Cherokee proverb.

How much of your todays are used up by your yesterdays?
Things you did, things you didn't do.
Regrets. Worries. Misgivings.

I wonder sometimes if I ever really live in today.
I think I spend more time than I should thinking about the past or worrying about the future and I never really let today be today.

I also wonder if this is what happens when we refuse to forgive ourselves or each other.
Does that clinging to the wrongs of the past use up today to the point that we can't really live it?
Seems like a waste. Seems like we'd miss out on a whole lot of joy... and a whole lot of blessings.

What are you missing out on today, because you're holding on to yesterday?

Not for the squeamish...

...Though I happen to think it's kind of cool.


Not cool that my youngest broke her arm last Wednesday... or that she was awake all night the first night crying in pain... or that her little hand is swelling up in her cast... or that it was her dominant hand and she already really struggles with her writing...


But the picture's cool.


And it's interesting that God used my daughter's brokeness to snap me out of my own.


Well. Out of it enough that I can think rationally again. Which is a very good thing.


Life is made up of breakable moments. Human life is fragile. Not only in our mortality, but also in our morality. It's so easy to fall. So easy to break.


Without the sustaining, strengthening and shatter-proof power of Christ, there isn't a single person among us who is unbreakable. When we break a bone we have to work through physical therapy to discipline our body as it heals... when we break our spirit we also need discipline.


And it isn't fun.

But it's worth it.

Hebrews12:11-13
11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Broken

I haven't had a lot of myself to share over the last couple of weeks... or at least not a lot I'm willing to share. Today I'm going to let Lifehouse speak for me.

"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm falling apart. There doesn't seem to be a lot more to say than that. I wish I could be better at holding on... but instead I'm just oh-so-good at throwing my hands in the air and giving up. Thank God He holds on to me even when I can't - or won't - hold on to Him.

To my ex-husband's bride-to-be...

Dear Jennifer,

I have to admit, I'm struggling here. I'm more ambivalent than I imagined I would be. You're marrying my ex-husband. I want to ask you if you're crazy, but that wouldn't be very nice. I want to hate you, but that wouldn't be very nice either. So instead, I'll pray.



My prayer for you, as difficult as it may be for me to voice, is that your fiance is not the man he was when he was my husband.



I pray that when you talk to him, he truly listens to you.

I pray that you are a companion rather than a conquest.

I pray that he cares more about your hopes and dreams than he does about his own.

I pray that he never sees your accomplishments as competition.

I pray that the only woman he looks at, and looks to, is you.

I pray that you are never compared, except in a good way, to the other women in his life.

I pray that the words that come from his lips are kind and loving.

I pray that the only touch you know from him is sweet and gentle.

I pray he treats you like a treasure and guards your heart.
I pray that your experience is different than mine because I wouldn't wish mine on anyone.


....But if things aren't what I pray for you, I also pray that you know your worth enough to walk away. These are hard things for me to pray, because these things should have been mine. But the past is the past and there's no changing it.



I can't offer you friendship, but if you love my children and treat them well, I will give you my respect.