Doing a 180...

...in honor of my 180th post.

To do a one-eighty is to physically turn around and go back in the direction from which one came or to go back on a promise or statement.


I've done a lot of 180s in my life. Haven't we all?

How many times have I said, "I will never..." only to find myself doing exactly what I said I wouldn't? More times than I can count, especially since becoming a parent. I could feed a small country with the words I've eaten over the last 10 1/2 years.

180s come in many forms: serious, silly, sacred and sad. We have numerous points of radical change, some of them more meaningful and long-lasting than others.

Take repentance.

The Greek and Hebrew words for repentance also imply a turn around of thought and action. What could be more radical than that?

Nothing really.

Sometimes I think we forget what repentance really is. We want to say, "sorry," and go on our merry way without ever turning around... because we want to be forgiven, but we don't really want to stop. Sin in general is an addiction and like with any addiction, repentance means we are not only sorry, but we have also decided we want God more.

We want God more than the next juicy bit of gossip...
We want God more than the next little stroke to our ego...
We want God more than the next shot of vodka...
We want God more than the next cruel word that rolls off our tongue...
We want God more than the next cigarette, the next lie, the next warm body... the next anything and everything that separates us from Him.

Even if we slip and fall again, it's our desire for God that shows that we are more than just sorry. Because "sorry" doesn't fix it, but God does.

If we want to be fixed.

I'm struggling today to be truly repentant. I'm sorry that I've sinned and I've asked for forgiveness, but in the back of my mind I'm still planning the next time. I want to be sorry without having to stop. I want feel-good forgiveness while still indulging in sin.

I need a one-eighty.

Playing Hide & Seek

A few weeks ago while we were staying at my mom's house (107 degree weather and no a/c at home) my children started up a game of hide & seek.

I've been so busy lately - and so have they - that I haven't really had an opportunity to watch them play. And let's be honest... with four kids born within 4 1/2 years, it isn't very often that they can play together without some attempt at bodily harm.

It was a lovely afternoon and it was so nice to enjoy the fun part of being a mom, but it got me thinking... how often have I played hide & seek with God?

Sometimes it feels as though God has hidden Himself from me. I can't hear Him. I can't feel Him. He seems silent, aloof and uncaring. I know that isn't true, but it sure feels that way.

I've felt that way a lot lately. Where are You God?, I wonder.

Tell me Lord, why can't I see You? It hurts to feel alone and abandoned by God. Jesus Himself knew that. But are we really alone?

Psalm 13:1&2
1How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph
over me?

But then I realize that even when it feels like God is hiding, I still need to seek Him. Sometimes the reason God is silent is so we will seek Him. It is the endurance and perseverance in the face of God's silence that builds our faith.

Lamentations 3:25 & 26
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Then there are those times when I foolishly try to hide from God. I'm angry, petulant, guilty... and I try to hide. Or I'm ashamed. Like Adam and Eve, I feel naked and want to hide from Him.

Sometimes my shame is justified - I've sinned and I know it, but I'm too stubborn to beg for forgiveness. Sometimes my shame is misplaced - old sins that have been long-forgiven that I still bring out to beat myself up with... or old abuses I can't let go that hinder my freedom in Christ.

But God knows.

Jeremiah 23:24
Can anyone hide in secret places
so that I cannot see him?"
declares the LORD.
"Do not I fill heaven and earth?"
declares the LORD.

It is in these times that God seeks us. He leaves the 99 sheep in the fold and hunts us down. He finds us, breaks our legs and carries us back where we belong. He brings us home. We are His treasure and He wants us, even when we stray. Even when we hide.

Psalm 119:176
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.

There is a better way.

We can hide ourselves IN God. He can be the place we run to instead of the One we run from. He can be our shelter from the world and everything in it that tries to shake us.

It's hard for me to see Him that way. It shouldn't be, but sometimes it is. Even though I know better, it's hard to trust Him. I have "reasons" not to, and yet He's always there waiting. He understands my struggle. He understands my hurt.

And He shields me from it.

When I run to His arms and rest in them, that pain falls away. The shame, the hurt, the sin, the mistrust all pales in comparison to His measureless love for me. He has delivered me from my past, and seeks to turn my ashes into incomparable beauty.

Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

Surrender...

***When I started writing this post a few days ago, I had no idea the direction it would take. Some of it might be... disturbing to you. I can only pray that you read to the end before judging me or I what I've said here.***

Surrender don' come natural to me. I'd rather fight You for somethin' I don't really want than take what You give that I need.....

I don't like giving in.

Giving in is weakness... those who can force you to give in, or ask you to give in, are cruel and want to see you suffer - because you're nothing. Insignificant. Worthless. Giving in means lying down and letting someone else take. Everyone who wants you to give in is trying to rape you in one way or another.

Even God.

That's right. That's how I saw God - as this all-powerful, all-present deity who wanted to pin me down and force something from me. And lest you think I was one of those poor, misguided "unchurched" souls who clearly didn't know any better...

I wasn't.

To paraphrase Paul: I was a Church Girl of church girls. (Philippians 3:4&5). I toed the line better than the best of them. I knew every answer, could memorize any verse and had the talk down perfect. I knew more about God than some pastors I know, and darn right I was proud of it.

I knew God loved me.

The boy who molested me for years in my baby-sitter's basement said he loved me too. Other people have loved and hurt me throughout the years. "Love" was meaningless. "Love" was pain and shame and a constant reminder of how pathetic I was.

Sure, God loved me. He wanted me to see how broken I was so that I would know how much I needed Him. He wanted me to hand myself over and let Him do whatever He wanted with me. All good things...

But not to me.

Somehow, in my desire to be in control and not give in - in my need to hold on to some part of myself that no one could take away - I warped who God is. I saw Him as a user and an abuser. When people would say, "God will use this," it wasn't a comfort. It wasn't something to rejoice in. It made me ache... made me bitter and angry and rebellious and defiant.

How dare God screw me over for His benefit!? How dare He try to break me? How dare He take anything from me? How dare He USE me!!??

Even after God met me on my dorm room floor and made me His, some small part of me felt as though I'd tried to fight Him off for as long as I could, but He was stronger. Again, a GOOD thing.

But not in the eyes of a victim. How insidious that lie is.

It has taken me years to work through the way I saw God... hard, broken, angry, lonely years. It has taken years to see God as He IS and not as Satan painted Him to be. I still have fleeting moments of panic when people say, "God will use this." I still have flashes of bitterness and defiance when someone says, "Surrender to Him."

I don't want to surrender. It don' come natural.

And maybe that's the point.

I had to come to a place of consent - a place where I could trust that I was yielding because I wanted to, not because it had been forced from me... and a place where I could trust that God wasn't looking to make me His victim. Maybe you think that road was easy, after all, He's a good God. I could tell you how painless and simple it was....

But I won't lie.
It's hard. It's scary. It's painful.

...and I've beat my head against so many walls, now I'm fallin' down, I'm fallin' on my knees...

And from this place of submission, I see a God who plans to prosper me, not to harm me... who plans to give me hope. And a future...

And peace.

So hold me, Jesus

'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory,

won't You be my Prince of peace?

(Rich Mullins)

Words that aren't said...

While the source is dubious (a semi-trashy romance author), one of my favorite quotes is:

Words are important... to everyone. When they aren't said, they leave holes.
~Nora Roberts

I recently wrote an e-mail to a friend with a similar subject line, because I had some things I couldn't leave unsaid. Her friendship is too important to leave holes.

Most of us, unfortunately, have holes left in our lives from words that weren't said:

• "I love you."


• "I'm sorry I hurt you."


• "I need you."


• "I'm proud of you."


• "I believe in you."


• "I forgive you."


• "Thank you."


• "God loves you."

And most of us, unfortunately, have left holes in the lives of others. Even though we know how empty and aching those holes are, most of us have left a trail of them behind us.

I have people I need to apologize to and people I need to forgive. I haven't done enough to let my children know I am proud of them and I don't always tell my friends how grateful I am that they're in my life. Worst of all, I've failed to share the Good News with people in my life who need to hear it.

Have you felt the pain of unsaid words? Have you left any unsaid? Whose holes most need filling and what can you do to fill them?
And while you chew on that for a while, here are the lyrics to a song by Steven Curtis Chapman:

Still Called Today
There a hole the size of a cruel word
In a wounded heart somewhere that's learning to hide the pain
There's a thorn stuck in the conscience of
Someone who spoke a word in anger
And they can't wash away the stain,
sorry's such a hard word to say

CHORUS
But while it's still called today, won't somebody make it right
Before the day slips into night and the moments waste away
While it is still called today, we've got to say the words
That are longing to be heard 'cause tomorrow may be too late
Go on and say what you need to say while it is still called today

There's a girl who's waiting day after day
To hear her daddy say "I love you," now the days have turned to years
There's a wall that silence has turned to stone
Between a man and woman, she's holding back the tears
And he's holding on to his fears

BRIDGE
Cause there's a time when the sun goes down
And the flowers are laid on the grave
Will the tears that fall to the ground
Be the tears of regret for the words someone didn't say