How can I possibly be jealous??
My soon-to-be-ex-husband cheated and treated me horribly. I have lasting physical and emotional scars. So why does it bother me so much when he makes a point of bringing his new girlfriend over?
You'd think I'd be happy, right?
I mean, for the first time in our almost two year separation he isn't pawing at me and backing me into a corner every time he comes to see the kids. This is a good thing. I was beginning to think I was never going to heal as long as he kept touching me and triggering memories. I should be happy.
And I am... but God help me... it just isn't fair.
I know, I know, life isn't fair. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen to good and bad people alike (hmmm... I may have just written about this!). But I firmly believe that I am not too old to throw a rip-roaring temper tantrum.
Why does he get to move on with his life when I'm still struggling to overcome the effects of our shattered marriage? Why does he get to enjoy a new relationship when I can't even begin to imagine letting any male near me with a ten-foot pole? As if any man would be interested in a 29 yr old divorcee wreck with four kids in tow! Not to mention I don't even want another relationship, I want the marriage I have (had, I guess) to be what God intends marriage to be! Is that too much to ask?
UGH! What is my problem??
Dear Lord,
Help me as I struggle with this jealousy. Help me to be content with the things I have because You have said You will never leave me nor forsake me. May I know in my soul that Your grace is sufficient for me and may I experience Your power made perfect in my weakness.
AMEN.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Bad things & Good People
Why do bad things happen to good people? It seems to be a universal question... along with "if there's a loving God, why did He allow [insert tragedy of the day]?" Its discouraging, isn't it? This endless stream of bad things happening all over the world... God must be so unfair, we say. God must not care.
But let's talk about fairness and justice for a minute. The wages of sin is death right? Physical death. Eternal death. We work REALLY hard at sinning sometimes... just look at what we've made of our world. Its no wonder we're reaping a whole lot of the death and misery our sin has sown.
Natural consequences. Its not punitive... its a simple if/then scenario. People who get terrible diseases and die aren't usually evil people getting their just deserts; they're simply people reaping the consequences of generations of humanity's disregard of God's laws. Life in a fallen world isn't peaches and cream or sugar and light.
God is a just God. And God laid out guidelines... simple ones really:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
For Adam and Eve: don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. How simple is that?? You've got a million trees in a beautiful Garden, and among that million there's just one you can't touch. How hard is that?
Hah! There isn't a single one of us who wouldn't have done the same thing Adam and Eve did. Not a one.
So tell me, how could it be justice if God said, "well, OK, since you're going to sin anyway, you all get a free pass, no one has to pay for it, go about your business. My rules don't matter afterall."? That's like letting a known murderer go free. What's truly ironic is that sometimes our society does just that. WE are not just, so how can we possibly hope to pass judgment on God?
We forget that sin, ALL sin, HURTS people. It hurts our friends, our families - it hurts people we will never know or meet. It hurts ourselves. It HURTS GOD. There is no victimless sin.
Justice says SOMEONE needs to pay for all that hurt we heap upon ourselves. Justice says that even though God made the rules, and it hurts Him to enforce them, He won't bend them or break them. Justice is hard. Justice is unforgiving. True Justice has no loopholes.
But God isn't only Just. God is Gracious. He said, "I gave mankind a simple task and you failed Me, but I've made a covenant with My people, and I will pay the price for your failures." Someone has to. So the one Being who had never tasted the forbidden fruit stood in the place of all of us who have.
The ONLY Being who doesn't deserve death for ANYTHING, died for EVERYONE.
So stop and think for a moment before you complain about God's injustice, ok? Be grateful that every particle of air you breathe, every molecule of your arm you use to take that forbidden fruit is held together by the God you are sinning against.
But let's talk about fairness and justice for a minute. The wages of sin is death right? Physical death. Eternal death. We work REALLY hard at sinning sometimes... just look at what we've made of our world. Its no wonder we're reaping a whole lot of the death and misery our sin has sown.
Natural consequences. Its not punitive... its a simple if/then scenario. People who get terrible diseases and die aren't usually evil people getting their just deserts; they're simply people reaping the consequences of generations of humanity's disregard of God's laws. Life in a fallen world isn't peaches and cream or sugar and light.
God is a just God. And God laid out guidelines... simple ones really:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
For Adam and Eve: don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. How simple is that?? You've got a million trees in a beautiful Garden, and among that million there's just one you can't touch. How hard is that?
Hah! There isn't a single one of us who wouldn't have done the same thing Adam and Eve did. Not a one.
So tell me, how could it be justice if God said, "well, OK, since you're going to sin anyway, you all get a free pass, no one has to pay for it, go about your business. My rules don't matter afterall."? That's like letting a known murderer go free. What's truly ironic is that sometimes our society does just that. WE are not just, so how can we possibly hope to pass judgment on God?
We forget that sin, ALL sin, HURTS people. It hurts our friends, our families - it hurts people we will never know or meet. It hurts ourselves. It HURTS GOD. There is no victimless sin.
Justice says SOMEONE needs to pay for all that hurt we heap upon ourselves. Justice says that even though God made the rules, and it hurts Him to enforce them, He won't bend them or break them. Justice is hard. Justice is unforgiving. True Justice has no loopholes.
But God isn't only Just. God is Gracious. He said, "I gave mankind a simple task and you failed Me, but I've made a covenant with My people, and I will pay the price for your failures." Someone has to. So the one Being who had never tasted the forbidden fruit stood in the place of all of us who have.
The ONLY Being who doesn't deserve death for ANYTHING, died for EVERYONE.
So stop and think for a moment before you complain about God's injustice, ok? Be grateful that every particle of air you breathe, every molecule of your arm you use to take that forbidden fruit is held together by the God you are sinning against.
"For He made Him who knew no sin be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." 2 Corinthians 5:21
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Mirror Mirror
Have you ever looked in the mirror and been totally shocked by what you see there?
I'm not talking about bad hair days or black circles (I have so many of those they've ceased to be a shock). I'm talking about looking into the eyes of the person on the other side of the glass and discovering someone you don't recognize.
Sometimes the change is bad - you've fallen into sin or despair so consuming that it has warped your soul and the person you see is beaten and lost. You don't recognize her because it wasn't that long ago that you remember things were going along fine. Life was good. Sometimes you know why that changed - you lost someone or something precious - and sometimes you don't. There's a stranger looking out of your eyes and she's hurt so deeply you wonder if you will ever be "You" again.
Then there are the other times when the change is good - you are used to seeing a person worn out by the cares of life and all of a sudden, or maybe slowly over time, you see someone who is content, at peace, and dare you hope joyful? about life. Maybe for the first time in your life you like who you see. Maybe for the first time in your life you see that you are experiencing the "peace of God that transcends all understanding" (Phillipians 4:7) you've heard so much about. Amen!
I find myself in the latter category today and my heart bubbles over with praise. Life has been such a struggle for such a long time that on my weak days I find myself sure that things can never and will never be different. Yet here I am.
Despite my sin, despite my failings, despite my numerous imperfections, God scooped me up and held me in His arms and is working to make me a complete and perfect Child. I look in the mirror and I discover that the face I spent so much time hating is now so full of... potential. Oh! To be ready to be used by God!
I'm not talking about bad hair days or black circles (I have so many of those they've ceased to be a shock). I'm talking about looking into the eyes of the person on the other side of the glass and discovering someone you don't recognize.
Sometimes the change is bad - you've fallen into sin or despair so consuming that it has warped your soul and the person you see is beaten and lost. You don't recognize her because it wasn't that long ago that you remember things were going along fine. Life was good. Sometimes you know why that changed - you lost someone or something precious - and sometimes you don't. There's a stranger looking out of your eyes and she's hurt so deeply you wonder if you will ever be "You" again.
Then there are the other times when the change is good - you are used to seeing a person worn out by the cares of life and all of a sudden, or maybe slowly over time, you see someone who is content, at peace, and dare you hope joyful? about life. Maybe for the first time in your life you like who you see. Maybe for the first time in your life you see that you are experiencing the "peace of God that transcends all understanding" (Phillipians 4:7) you've heard so much about. Amen!
I find myself in the latter category today and my heart bubbles over with praise. Life has been such a struggle for such a long time that on my weak days I find myself sure that things can never and will never be different. Yet here I am.
Despite my sin, despite my failings, despite my numerous imperfections, God scooped me up and held me in His arms and is working to make me a complete and perfect Child. I look in the mirror and I discover that the face I spent so much time hating is now so full of... potential. Oh! To be ready to be used by God!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Testing... Testing... (James)1:2-3
People say, “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle,” usually accompanied by the implication that He sends you a trial and if you have enough faith you breeze through it and emerge victorious.
But life isn’t always like that. Sometimes you emerge from a trial scarred (and scared), beaten and holding on to your faith only by the thinnest of threads. What matters is that you hold on.
Sometimes you end up repeating “God is faithful” over and over; not out of a joyous expression of faith, but out of a desperate attempt to find that faith again. What matters is that you find it.
And sometimes you just scream, “LIAR!” at the top of your spiritual lungs because you feel like God has failed you and you know you’ve failed Him. What matters is He didn’t.
Truth is, it wouldn't be a TRIAL if it wasn't hard. Beth Moore says that when God asks you to do something hard, He is preparing you for something huge. Should be reassuring, right? But sometimes it just isn't.
Sometimes we find ourselves begging for scraps of bread rather than a huge feast because we can’t or won’t put out the effort needed to make the feast happen. Sometimes we choose to stay in our chains because removing them is hard work and as restricting as those chains are, at least they are easy because they are familiar.
Sometimes we are so tired of trying to do things on our own that we forget we were never meant to be alone in the first place.
God doesn't leave us to muck around in the mire of our lives alone. He comes to us Himself as the indwelling Spirit of God. He has promised to be our counselor, commander and comforter. God doesn't leave us or forsake us. We forsake Him.
We try to prepare the feast without the Master Chef. We try to break our chains without the Master Blacksmith.
Why? Why do we forget God’s promises? Why do we flounder? Why does God let us?
Perhaps because God wants us to surrender. REALLY surrender. He gave us a will and the freedom to choose and He has no intention of taking that will from us. He wants us to CHOOSE to let go and let Him lead. He wants us to CHOOSE to ask for His help.
And this surrendering of the will is never easy. It isn't meant to be. Yes, like a runner who trains and trains for a marathon, we can train our spirits so it is easier to surrender, but we can't make it easy. I don’t believe it ever should be. It is the struggle that strengthens us and gives us a faith that works.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2&3
I've grown plenty weary of trials lately. In the last three years I've watched my father die from the ravages of cancer, faced numerous financial difficulties, endured the physical consequences of my husband's infidelity, awakened buried memories of past hurts and devastating choices and I have had to accept the harsh reality that I was a victim of domestic violence.
I have found myself crying out against God and to God more than I ever dreamed possible. I have stumbled, slipped and been shoved head-first into circumstances I was sure would break me. Yet here I am.
God has been faithful even when I haven't. He has succeeded where I have failed. Somehow in all of this I have found the faith I thought was lost to me forever. All I had to do was ask. All I had to do was reach up and take the hand God had been offering all along.
But life isn’t always like that. Sometimes you emerge from a trial scarred (and scared), beaten and holding on to your faith only by the thinnest of threads. What matters is that you hold on.
Sometimes you end up repeating “God is faithful” over and over; not out of a joyous expression of faith, but out of a desperate attempt to find that faith again. What matters is that you find it.
And sometimes you just scream, “LIAR!” at the top of your spiritual lungs because you feel like God has failed you and you know you’ve failed Him. What matters is He didn’t.
Truth is, it wouldn't be a TRIAL if it wasn't hard. Beth Moore says that when God asks you to do something hard, He is preparing you for something huge. Should be reassuring, right? But sometimes it just isn't.
Sometimes we find ourselves begging for scraps of bread rather than a huge feast because we can’t or won’t put out the effort needed to make the feast happen. Sometimes we choose to stay in our chains because removing them is hard work and as restricting as those chains are, at least they are easy because they are familiar.
Sometimes we are so tired of trying to do things on our own that we forget we were never meant to be alone in the first place.
God doesn't leave us to muck around in the mire of our lives alone. He comes to us Himself as the indwelling Spirit of God. He has promised to be our counselor, commander and comforter. God doesn't leave us or forsake us. We forsake Him.
We try to prepare the feast without the Master Chef. We try to break our chains without the Master Blacksmith.
Why? Why do we forget God’s promises? Why do we flounder? Why does God let us?
Perhaps because God wants us to surrender. REALLY surrender. He gave us a will and the freedom to choose and He has no intention of taking that will from us. He wants us to CHOOSE to let go and let Him lead. He wants us to CHOOSE to ask for His help.
And this surrendering of the will is never easy. It isn't meant to be. Yes, like a runner who trains and trains for a marathon, we can train our spirits so it is easier to surrender, but we can't make it easy. I don’t believe it ever should be. It is the struggle that strengthens us and gives us a faith that works.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2&3
I've grown plenty weary of trials lately. In the last three years I've watched my father die from the ravages of cancer, faced numerous financial difficulties, endured the physical consequences of my husband's infidelity, awakened buried memories of past hurts and devastating choices and I have had to accept the harsh reality that I was a victim of domestic violence.
I have found myself crying out against God and to God more than I ever dreamed possible. I have stumbled, slipped and been shoved head-first into circumstances I was sure would break me. Yet here I am.
God has been faithful even when I haven't. He has succeeded where I have failed. Somehow in all of this I have found the faith I thought was lost to me forever. All I had to do was ask. All I had to do was reach up and take the hand God had been offering all along.
An introduction...
Hi and welcome to my blog. This isn't my first forray into blogdom but my previous attempts left me burned. I've wanted to come back for a long time, but I just haven't had it in me until now. There is something wholly terrifying and at the same time liberating in putting your life out in a public forum for all to read. It is my hope that I can share a little bit of myself with others, but most of all I hope to share the truth - about my life and about the One who has saved me. I have hid too long in darkness, half-truths and lies... it is time to be set free.
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