A Full Circle - a Second Chance.

Only Caleb and Joshua trusted God to go before them into the Land while the
other ten spies discouraged the people by spreading doubt and fear. The ensuing
rebellion cost Israel forty long years and the death of the entire generation -
all because ten men did not trust their God to finish the work He had
begun by leading them out of Egypt.

Isn't that the root of a lot of rebellion? I know it has been for me. I received forgiveness, received a call but I still couldn't trust God to finish the work so I went my own way. I didn't rebel for rebellion's sake, instead I turned from God because I didn't believe His promises

Burning Questions:

1. I think we can all agree most of us find ourselves closer to God in the
struggle than without it. How does it affect you knowing that trial is what
draws you more intimately in relationship to Your God?

It makes me wish I could grow close to God without the trial. I know that the testing of our faith produces perseverence (James 1:3) but there are days when I have just had enough already. I wonder why I am such a backwards, rebellious soul that I have to endure adversity in order to deepen my relationship with my God.

2. Have you ever made a huge mistake but then found yourself in the position for
a 'do-over'? Did you make a better decision the second or third or fourth time
around? :)

Yes, I have found myself in the exact same position as previous sins and have made the better choice. I don't know that I really consider it a "do-over" though. I mean, look at Israel, an entire generation of people had to die so that the nation would have the choice again to enter or not enter the Promised land. We have to die too, to that previous sin, in order to come to the same choice again and take the righteous road.

3. Is there a 'generational sin' in your family you have overcome? This can be
anything from a lineage of unbelief to issues of many kinds. This may be a
private matter. Share if you feel liberty or quietly thank God for His
deliverance. If you have not yet been delivered, I pray with all my heart God's
Word is giving you courage to ask for help in that area

. I suppose the biggest generational sin in my family is the "sin" of silence. My parents were strong and devoted Christians and I consider them excellent examples of faith. However, I also lived in a home where no one was really honest with their emotions.

I always felt as though strong feeling, even positive feeling, was an embarassment. And we never talked about emotional issues. Honestly, I don't think we ever really talked about anything except casual conversation - weather, grades, plans for the weekend. It created an environment of silence and secrets. It created an attitude of "I will never ask for help." I can see the same in my grandparents and in what I've been told of my great-grandparents.

I am trying to teach my kids a better way. My family has been through nightmare after nightmare and I WANT my children to tell me when they're scared, sad or angry. I WANT them to express themselves and tell the truth about what they've experienced. I WANT to be as honest with them as possible. I want God to be glorified in the redemption of my past. That can't happen if I never talk about it.

4. Have you ever been misunderstood? Do you feel unforgiven for past mistakes
even though you know God has forgiven you?

At times. Mostly though, I'm my own worst enemy in this arena.

5. Is there a sister you need to extend grace towards in order to be able to
'bless God together'? Do you comprehend how your unforgiveness is hindering her
from inhabiting her own Promise? If no, do you recognize a situation within your
church body where this may be happening? If so, ask God to raise up a 'Phinehas'
(mediator) in this situation. He may just reveal the Phinehas is you. :)

Something I'll have to think about a while...

Promised Land - In or Out?

Hear me on this one, girls. We hold an amazing amount of power in our words. It
is our duty as women of God to build one another up in the Lord lest our sister
lose heart in the individual mission God has laid before her.

Women can be the most cruel, and they can be the most comforting. There is a whole lot of power in our words and to quote Uncle Ben (gotta love Spiderman!), "with great power comes great responsibility." Have you been an EN-courager or a DIS-courager?

Burning Questions:

1. We talked of the importance of encouragement when God has called us to task.
Has a lack of encouragement or even ridicule ever taken you back to a place of
insufficiency you thought you had conquered?

Oy. Yes. I can say from experience that I would much rather people beat me up than tear me down. There is nothing quite as defeating (or deafening) as ridicule from someone who should be supporting you. It is especially cruel when it comes from a fellow Christian who looks at you and echoes all the insidious little whispered bouncing around in your head. Isn't it sad when Satan uses our words to hurt our brothers and sisters in Christ?

2. Is there someone you know right now who is attempting a new ministry that
could use a world of encouragement from you? Why do you think this thing may be scary for her? Will you commit to write a note, make a call, or send an email
with a dose of courage inside?

Yes, and done.

3. Read Moses' song in Exodus 15:3-18. What line speaks to you most? Why does it touch you?

Ex 15:17 You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of your inheritance—the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established. It's the idea of sanctury that gets to me. Sanctuary to me is a "place" to rest and worship in absolute security and more than anything, I need to feel secure. Truth is, I don't really. Is that wrong? I don't know.

4. Based on the applications of living either inside or outside the Promise,
where would you now say you currently reside? (As I read your answers, if this
one point seems to have been confusing, I'll elaborate in a separate post. Again
remember I am asking this question in terms of abundant living and not in
determining salvation.;))

Hmm... surprisingly enough, I have to say IN. I have some really ugly moments, but my battle isn't really unbelief anymore. My battles are overcoming all the baggage that years of doubt and disobedience have left behind.

5. If you are 'Somewhere in the Middle' between the girl you were and the one
you want to be, how do you plan on changing that? Is there a barrier you feel
you can't climb? Knowing God is for you and this study group is for you, is
there a way we can help?

More time in the Word. More time in prayer where I am actually listening to God's direction rather than trying to tell Him how it is going to be. I have allowed my past to be a huge barrier... I need to let God take it down with a bulldozer or one brick at a time; whichever it has to be.

Loud & Clear

The pity party IS over. (Thank you Sallye). God and I had a long talk yesterday and He ironed some things out for me. Our conversation went something along the lines of God's conversation with Job:


The LORD Speaks
Job 38:1-11 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?
Job 38:36-41Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?
Job 40:1&2 The LORD said to Job:
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!"
Job 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the LORD:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.


Yeah. That resounding crack you hear is the application of one of God's 2x4s smacking me upside the head.


I'll be honest here, one of my biggest failings is I give up when things seem impossible without ever asking or expecting God to work a miracle. When I was throwing this pity party over the weekend, I never once asked God how He was going to work things out, I just asked Him "WHY??" Despite all evidence to the contrary, more often than not, I don't expect God can do great and mighty things for me.

I've let go of a great deal of worry over the last few years, but finances still get me going every time. I have four kids who depend on me for everything and it kills me to not be able to meet their needs. It is HARD being a single mother with little hope of child support and little confidence I can support my kids on my own.

And that leads to the independence thing... :::sigh::: The problem with grad school was NEVER that God didn't intend for me to go (though I sure fell for that thought when it crept in, didn't I?). The problem was I was trying to get there on my own power.

Once God made it clear to me what His call on my life is, I took it and ran. I prayed and prayed and prayed when I was searching for direction, but once I had it my prayers were more more of a "hey, thanks for getting me started, I can get this on my own now" kind of one-sided conversation. I figured I had a call and I was good to go. I am woman! Hear me roar!

...and then crash and burn because as I was roaring I missed the huge gaping hole in front of me.

You would think I would have learned this lesson by now,right? After all, I had a very similar attitude after the first time God revealed this part of His plan for me. Thankfully my crash-and-burn was shorter and less painful this time around. Praise be to God I must have learned something.

Yes, this independence streak of mine may have cost me a semester's delay, but it isn't going to take another decade and it isn't forever. And who knows, this miracle God is working right now to produce may come in time for fall semester after all. It's time for me to sit back and let Him do it.

Promise & Purpose... :::sigh:::

Hmm... well... isn't this lesson apropos?

I pray as we have studied God's Beauty, His Sufficiency, and His Fame that you
have begun to accept the fact He has an abundant life waiting for you if you
will simply step into it. Sometimes He has to take us far enough away from our
Egypt so it will be farther to travel back there than to fight it out to Canaan.
(Exodus 13:17) Oh how I hope you are more than halfway home!

What is abundance anyway? I am fairly certain God's definition of abundance is different from my own.

In this study Lisa identifies four basic human needs:
1. A sense of self-worth
2. A Feeling of Peace and Safety
3. Assurance of provision
4. To Be Loved
I struggle with each and every one of them... which leads to the...

BURNING QUESTIONS

1. Do you struggle with a sense of self-worth? How do you perceive this has
affected the way you are able to 'keep your head upright'? If not, do you know
someone who suffers in this area?

Yes I struggle. Daily, hourly, minute-ly (no, that isn't a word). Keeping my head upright is an act of will... It is a choice I make, even when I don't feel it. Especially when I don't feel it. Which means that keeping my head up is sometimes more of a chore than a joy. Which, I guess means that it isn't really "holding my head up."

2. What are you most afraid of? Does this fear affect the way you move through
life? (Ex. Are you overprotective with children? Afraid to take risks?)

The disapproval of others - and it is paralyzing at times. Not being able to take care of my kids - I hate not knowing if next month is going to be the month I get evicted because I don't have anything left to pay rent, much less anything else... and I have FAR more faith in this arena than I did a few years ago.

3. What is one of the most marvelous ways God has provided a need? I can't wait
to hear your stories on this one!

Last winter I was in financial trouble... my job just wasn't paying enough to meet the basics (housing, utilities, food, gas). I wasn't finding another job no matter how hard I looked. Then there was a contract negotiation that increased my pay to just enough (almost to the penny) and it was retroactive so the extra check I got allowed me to pay things I was behind on. I was still living paycheck to paycheck, but as long as I had one, I could make it.

4. Steve Brown, a Moody Broadcasting Bible Teacher, is one of the first people I
ever heard teach the concept that God was not mad at me. I grew up in a
denomination that led me to believe He was in a continuous state of
disappointment over my failures. How about you? Though in your heart you know
God says He loves you, does Satan in your mind ever try to convince you
otherwise?

Yes. But I refuse to go there right now... I am already treading thin ice emotionally.

5. How close are you to your own Promised Land? Not at all, 1/2 way, almost
there? By this I mean the place of abundant living and effectiveness here on
earth, not the ultimate fulfillment in Glory! Though I hope you are going to
heaven, I don't want it to be today! :)

Bad day to ask... and while the lesson is more than appropriate, I probably should have waited for another day to do it. I have a really bad attitude. I'm so confused right now about what I can even be effective doing... I don't want to accept that my dreams aren't going to be a reality. I don't want to give up my first real vacation since having children. I don't want to be content with the way things are now.

A Note....

...about yesterday's rant: I don't for a moment doubt that God will provide for my essential needs. I do, however doubt that I am in any way capable of hearing His voice and knowing His plan. It isn't God's fault; it's mine for rushing ahead on my own - AGAIN.

• A job is a need, and He will provide.
• Siesta Fiesta is a want... He doesn't have to provide.
• The doctor's bills are ??? I don't know, but I don't believe God intends for me to not pay them.
• The van, while convenient, really isn't a need. I can take the bus to work. God may not provide.
• Gas - well, see above. If I don't have the van, I don't need gas.
• School loans - I don't think God intend for me to default on these either.
• Grad school is... a luxury. And quite possibly never in the plan to begin with. So.

I am depressed and sad and disappointed. And yes, I know. "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" So be it.

For personal venting purposes only - this is NOT an invitation to join my pity party.

I don't know if it is a lack of faith or a reality check, but things are looking bleak financially speaking. My "steps of faith" have turned out to be straight into land mines.

1) I am sick of rejection letters (and let's be honest, I am really disappointed about that job I wanted). Apparently no one (at least no one who will pay wages I can actually support my family on) wants to take a chance on a woman with less than two years of recent work experience, especially since all of that work experience has been a handful of temporary positions.

2) It looks like I am going to have to cancel my Siesta Fiesta plans. With no job and no paychecks coming after next tuesday, I can't justify the expenses. Yes, a lot of the financing for the trip was provided for me, but if I do happen to get a job I won't be able to afford the time off at this point and I can't afford the things like transportation, food and hotel that I was going to have to pay for myself. My first priority has to be my kids, not some frivilous and entirely self-serving trip.

3) The bills from the strep monster arrived this week - almost $1,000 total, not including what I paid for prescriptions. I don't have insurance and that's about what I bring home in a month. Well, about what I USED to bring home (see #1).

4) My van is demon possessed. No, not really, it just has decided to stop cooperating with me. It turns over, the fuel pump is working fine, but the electrical system just shuts itself off and van no go bye bye. Please God, tell me where I'm going to get the money to fix it?!

5) Gas prices are killing me. I spend about a quarter of my paycheck (you know, the one I won't be getting anymore) on gas. The aforementioned demon possessed van went from getting about 20 miles a gallon to 16mpg. Ouch.

6) Half of my school loans (from my previous attempt at college) have already come due and I'm already 2 months behind. I didn't know this because the notices were going to the wrong address. The other half will come due in August (thanks to #7) and I don't know that I can find a job that will cover my living expenses and my loan payments.

7) Grad school is becomming a definite IMpossibility for many, many reasons (and these are just the financially related ones):
a) during-the-day classes - how can I work AND go to school AND get to see my kids?
b) I have to have health insurance to attend classes on campus - if I don't get it through work, I have to pay for it out of pocket (do you have any idea how much health insurance costs??).
c) I have to have a plan for financing my education before being admitted... and no, "God will provide" is not an adequate answer (apparently seminaries only teach their students to take steps of faith AFTER they graduate). Which becomes increasingly complicated due to d through f below.
d) graduate programs are not eligible for federal financial aid grants. Loans only.
e) I have just been informed that the seminary I have applied to only allows their students to reach a maximum educational debt of $40,000 between both grad AND undergrad work. Which means I can get only about $3K more in loans. The remaining $23K would have to come out of pocket (do you hear my desperately hysterical laughter??).
f) Any of the other graduate programs in my chosen field of study (that are remotely close to home) allow for unlimited debt, but would leave me with over $90K in total loans by the time I graduated (big difference between 90 and 60) AND would require I essentially take nine months off work (like I can afford that?) to complete internships.

*I was apparently extremely naive when it came to the realities of school and finances. Can you hear that door slam shut? So now what God? Was I just fooling myself after all? Was I so wrong? And if I'm wrong about God's plans for me, can I really trust anything I feel, spiritually speaking?

See how quickly I lose faith and stumble?

I'm done now.

Gloria In Excelsis Deo

This lesson really struck me:

Moses had seen God in the wonders, but more important to him was knowing
God in the inmost, private places. Wonders would not be such if they weren't few
and far between. Many believers set themselves up for disappointment by becoming what James MacDonald calls 'Wonders Junkies'. They are so transfixed on the huge displays of God they can't cope during the days of small things.

I have to admit, for a long time I was a "wonder junkie." I craved those mountain top experiences with God so much that I sought another peak to climb over and over and over again. But I avoided the daily walk with Him because it just wasn't exciting enough.

Forgive the analogy, but this thrill-seeking behavior is like sex without intimacy. It can be an amazing experience, and you can become very familiar with your spouse's body and movements and physical needs, but you never get to know their soul. You are more concerned with what they can do (especially for you) than with who they are. You roll out of bed and the connection is over until the next time you get hit with the craving.

Intimacy requires knowing more, knowing deeper. Intimacy is the quiet conversations, the hand-holding, the treasuring of each other that doesn't require those extreme moments to be satisfied. Intimacy is waking up and going through the day with your spouse, even if you do nothing more than yardwork and watch TV. Intimacy is being with that person even when you aren't physically with them. Intimacy is when the real relationship happens.

How many times do we want to be with God only in those moments of excitement and wonder? How many times do we roll out of our beds in the morning and leave God behind as we go about our days? How many times do we use God for the thrills He can give us and then just walk away?

Yes. I said USE. Ouch. Can you hear that 2x4 smacking me upside the head?

Okay, so that wasn't exactly the main idea of this week's study... but it resonated. And now that I've gotten off my soap box, on to the lesson:

1. We discussed how we are God's fame and He is ours. Have you ever been in a
situation where you are applauded for your ministry and had to fight back the
idol of pride? Ever been tempted to believe your own press? It's okay to admit
it! Your testimony will help others in their resolve!

Yes. I used to write a lot, and quite well. I had a lot of pride in my writing. I was convinced that some day I'd write best-sellers and be a famous Christian author. I was prolific - I wrote devotions, op-ed type pieces, poetry, research, etc. I was a Writer and I was good. I was so wrapped up in my own pride that I forgot the Why and the Who of my writing.

Boy did I have a big head. And boy did God put up a block in my path! I got writer's block. So much so that I failed a couple of classes because I could not, no matter how hard I tried, write the papers. I pretty much stopped writing for nearly a decade - and that is no exaggeration.

Sometimes I feel like blog-land is shaky ground for me. What if God allows a full recovery of that gift I abused and I go and misuse it again? School was a hard struggle too. I was constantly battling my need to write for my glory rather than God's. I am sure that will come up again in grad school.

Thankfully, I'm no where near as good anymore, it isn't as easy to find the words. Harder to toot my own horn. =) And yes, the temptation to take the glory when something decent comes off my fingers is very strong... but I know Who gave the words to me, and that they wouldn't be there apart from Him. I'm not called to be a writer, though God may use my writing occasionally, and now I know it.

2. Did it ever occur to you in the 3-way drama of God, Job, and Satan that Satan
was the only one outside the loop as far as Job's reactions would be? Does this
encourage you in resolving to make a fool of him when he attempts to use you to
defame the Name?

Never really thought about it before, but yes it is encouraging. Satan doesn't really know me; he knows what my flesh might want, but he has no way to know the desires and motivations of Christ-in-me. He hasn't a slightest grasp of the power God has put at my disposal. Wow. That's kind of cool. (In same way that a woman is "kind of" pregnant).

3. Are you in a situation now where you feel you are being overcome? Better yet,
are you in a situation where you should have been overcome but are not?

Hmm... yes and yes. The last two and a half years, in a lot of ways, have been more difficult than the seven years I was in the midst of a nightmare marriage. I suppose it is a difference of not knowing anything can change and knowing things can be different but still feeling the bleakness. However, God has given me the strength to weather more than I ever imagined possible. It is still a struggle, but in the end I'm still standing.

4. Have you failed in a Satan-designed trial? Can you recognize God intends for
this failure to refine and resolve you for next time? God is not out for your
destruction but your perfection!

I've failed ALOT. And yes, I can use those failures instead of being used by them. It is a lot harder to forget what God has done for me when I look back and remember the pits He pulled me out of. He has shown me time and time again that He is faithful even when I am not. That goes a LONG way toward strengthening my resolve when I'm under attack.

5. Can you describe yourself as a Wonders Junkie? Found yourself in spiritual
highs and lows depending on whether you perceived God was doing wondrous things
or not?

See soapbox above. =) I am not that person anymore. I'm really enjoying the daily walks and quiet conversations with the King of Kings. The mountain top experiences are great, but they mean more now, with all the quiet moments in between. To loosely quote Rich Mullins, He has been King of my glory AND my Prince of peace.

6. Have you ever been like Philip and had God right in your face and not
recognized Him?

No. Never. (Heh. Sarcasm). Yes. YES. There are so many times when I thought God had left me/failed me and it wasn't until much later that I could see His hand was everywhere in that situation. There were times in my life that were outright bad but they were never as bad as they could have been. I was always provided a way out. I was always forgiven. I was always given an opportunity to redeem those times the locusts have eaten.

7. Journal a brief prayer asking God for His Glory. Let it be the thing we all
desire above all else.....

Lord, make Your glory the desire of my heart and let me see You in every moment of my life rather than just in the wonder and thrill of mountain top experiences. Amen.

How does your garden grow? Poorly.

Let me preface this by saying I have a tiny postage stamp yard and not a lot of time or energy to do much with it. My yard is one of the saddest in my little neighborhood. And to be honest, there just aren't a lot of plants that can survive my four children.


Let's start with The Flowers:


These pretty little guys just showed up in one of my highly neglected window boxes (as in, they are the only living plants in the planter). I don't know where they came from, and thankfully they are taking care of themselves.

This is what my Star of Bethlehem plants looked like a couple of months ago. They are an early spring blooming plant from the lily family and there are about 20 blooms on one stalk that gets about 18" high. They are bulbs - thankfully - so even though they didn't fare well being transferred from pot to ground they will be back and beautiful next year. I have it on good authority that they are hard to kill.

These flowers, and their Sun Star cousins below, are dear to me because they represent atonement. In fact, I got a stylized version of the white flower with a green cross as a tattoo. Yes, yes, I know. Tattoos are iffy in the appropriate-for-Christians department. However, the cross goes over a cluster of nasty scars. Two symbols of atonement to remind me that God's grace covers everything.

If you're thinking I need to pull the grass around these flowers, you would be right. =)

This is my night-blooming jasmine. I thought it would die when I put up my shed and pretty much blocked the sunlight, but it didn't. Yay! It smells so pretty and because its in the shadows all day it blooms 'round the clock.

Now for the Herb Garden:

Now, this poor thing needs some major TLC (and I clearly need to mow). My sage, rosemary and oregano were formerly in an area about a third of the size of this bed and they were choking each other out. I moved the sage and rosemary this morning and it looks a bit droopy. The sage was so ingrown with the oregano that its all spindly and looks half-dead. I didn't take a close-up. Hopefully in a day or two it will be prettier.

I love rosemary. I love the look, I love the smell, I love the flavor. This is the rosemary bush that wouldn't die. I cut it down dramatically every year and it comes back bigger and bushier every time. You can't tell from the picture but its over two feet tall.

I'm not sure what variety of oregano this is, but I got it two years ago as a tiny little dying plant and today it takes up about three square feet of space. And the smell is divine. Its creeped into my lawn and every time I mow (heh, that happens frequently :::NOT:::) it sets off a marvelous aroma. Now this beauty is my pride and joy. It's a chocolate mint and it smells and tastes exactly so. It makes the most amazing tea. It's pretty too. You can't really tell from the picture but the stalks and the veins on the backside of the leaves are a pretty, deep burgundy.

And this is my spanish lavendar that is waiting to be planted. My basil, chives and thyme didn't survive last year's neglect but I'm replanting it. I've got lemon, cinnamon and sweet basil starts growing in my little jiffy pots to be planted when they're a bit bigger.

And last, but not least, The Butterflies!:

My children were so enamoured with the pictures of the butterflies we raised in my classroom at work that I finally caved and ordered the caterpillars. Yesterday we released our butterflies.

Thanks for joining my not-so-pretty garden tour. =)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Change is inevitable. I know this. Truly.

But I don't have to like it.

Its now officially summer vacation - which means change. I'm home. The kids are home. Oh yeah, and I'm out of a job.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I hate job-hunting. I interviewed for a job I really wanted, and it wasn't in the plan so I'm still looking. And looking. And looking.

In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kind of tanking. This is not the best time to look for a job and I'm throwing a bit of a pity party over it. Heh.

And that totally isn't what I intended to write about. Where was I?

Oh yes. Change. Change is inevitable and I don't like it. Gotcha.

I had quite a few reminders of that on Wednesday. To say it was a rough day would be the understatement of the century.

1) I just realized Wednesday that my baby girl...

... is no longer a baby. Next year my youngest child will be a kindergartener. Where did the time go? And I just know I'm going to blink and she'll be in middle school and then turn around and she's graduating high-school. My oldest - 9 yo - already has zits for pete's sake! Zits! What's next?? A driver's license?? Sheesh.

2) My job was frustrating, and I couldn't wait for it to be over... but darn it! I'm going to miss my students. I'm going to miss my co-workers. It takes me forever and a day to make friends. I'm just not very good at it. And being a single mom to four kids really limits my ability to socialize outside of work...

But I was making friends! One woman in particular - we had a lot in common - but gas prices are astronomical and she lives a good 40 minute drive from me (without traffic). Chances are we will never see each other again.

And those kids... yes, kids can be cruel and obnoxious and completely unruly. They can pester and annoy and drive you to the brink of insanity with incessant questions. Some of the kids I worked with were violent and I had the bruises to prove it. But they are also the best teachers of unconditional love, communication and trust.

They look at grown ups with eager vulnerability shining out of their eyes. They're just waiting for you to do something wonderful - and they're young enough they still believe you will. They accept you for who you are and see the best you can be, because they haven't been taught yet to expect any different.

They laugh and they cry and they hug and they heal your hurts just by being who they are. They touch you with moments of kindness and startle you into laughter with moments of randomness. They are precious.

And I'm gonna miss them.

I was so sure I wasn't. And I was wrong. Stupid change.

3) School. My school, not the one I worked at. This one hit on two fronts.

First, I have been in denial about my grief over not being in school. I know that sounds lame and a little bit melodramatic (uh, have you "met" me yet??) but school meant a lot to me.

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it was the first place that saw the new "me" emerging. It was the first place, and sometimes the only place, where I was able to see myself as a survivor rather than a victim. It was a place I felt competent and confident and a place where I was more than the sum total of what had happened to me.

It feels different somehow to be around people who have seen the amazing changes God has done in my life without having to see all of the muck that came before. Some people will never be able to see clearly what you are through their memories of what you were. That's probably why Scripture says a prophet will never be welcomed in his hometown (Luke 4:24).

Anyway, I went back to the college to drop off a recommendation form to one of my professors and it was painful. It startled me how painful it was to go back, and be there, and miss it so much.

But I have to get going on this grad school thing or it'll never happen. Which brings me to part two: Grad school.

I am scared stiff. This is big. Its huge. I have spent more time wrestling with myself/God/satan over grad school than I ever thought possible.

The master's program is another change. It didn't make me cry - thankfully, since I'd had enough of that for the day - but it sent my anxiety meter running up near to bursting. This is big (have I said that already?). This is me following God's plan... wow.

Or thisismethinkingIknowwhatGod'splanisandwhoamIkiddingwhodoIthinkIamtopresumetoknowGod'swillformylifewhenIhavescreweditupsomanytimesinthepastwhattheheckamIthinking????Ican'tdothisGoddidn'tcallmetothisIamjustfoolingmyself.

Yeah. Catch all of that? Welcome to the constant back-and-forth battle that is my life. I go through this every morning and numerous times throughout the day and its especially bad when I go to finish the application essays. God help me.

So... change is not my friend right now. I'd really like to go hide in a hole somewhere and mope about it... but alas, I am home and my kids are home. I have to be a grown-up. Phooey.

Go ahead, raise your fist!

The story of Rahab is one of those amazing redemption stories I just can't get enough of. A pagan prostitute is the many-times great grandmother of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords?! Only our God could come up with something so wonderful.

It may interest you to know some scholars theorize one of the the spies was
actually Salmon, the man Rahab later married. This may or may not be true but if
it is, talk about transforming a common object as a tool for wonders! The flax
which once hid Rahab's secret lovers now covered a man who would look past all
her sin and love her unconditionally, just as Jesus Christ continues to do for
us today. The rope which once provided a means for escape for the lowlifes who
frequented her establishment now gave God-speed to the righteous men who would secure her salvation. This same scarlet rope which once symbolized Rahab's shame now represented atonement and would be the marker that saved her life as well as the lives of her family. I get chills just thinking about it!

So do I. God is so good, isn't He? And now for the fun part:

We learned about two different kinds of people -
1. 'The Fist Shakers' respond in mortal fear for their temporal bodies.
2. The Faith Takers will experience a holy fear that will transcend their bodies and cut straight to their souls.

Burning Questions

1. When is the last time you encountered a Fist Shaker? This may be a stranger
to you or as close as a loved one in your own home. Does anything in our
description help you to understand their animosity towards God? Are you able to
have more compassion towards them?

My sister is a fist shaker. It used to be one of the many things I held against her (see previous post) but now it just makes me sad. I know that she's just running scared - scared of her past, scared of her future... and I think perhaps a bit scared of looking herself in the mirror every morning.

2. Does anything about Rahab's redemption strike a nerve? This may be a question
you would like to ponder privately. Sexual sin and/or victimization can be an
area where Satan has an enormous stronghold because it can hold so many painful and shameful memories. If Rahab teaches us anything, please know God can redeem any life and any situation, no matter how heinous it seems, and plant you
unashamedly 'in the midst of Israel'. Rahab deserved death according to Mosaic
Law, however she was shown nothing but lovingkindness by the God and nation of Israel.

Yes, her redemption strikes a nerve. There are a number of things in my life that I have seen as unredeemable. Sexual sin, victimization and the consequences of both definitely top that list. For a born and bred church girl I sure have a shameful past. Not that I believed God is incapable or unwilling to redeem the dark and ugly areas of my life, but I never thought I would be able to give them over to Him. Though, to be honest, it has always been "Israel"s response to my past that worries me more than God's.

3. Is there an area of your life in which you feel you have come full circle?
Where you've come to a place where everything and nothing are the same? (I'm
thinking Lord of the Rings when Frodo goes back to the Shire after his long
adventure. You have no clue what I just said if you are not an LOTR nerd so just
ignore this if it doesn't make sense! :)

Without a doubt. I was set on my current vocational path over a decade ago, then I took a U-turn toward disaster. Now, 10 years later I'm back on the path, but everything is different. Same schools, same plans, same calling, but the person who first started on this path and the person God has led back to it are so completely different they are almost unrecognizable. I am not the person I was, and even though I made a royal mess of things, I think I am better equipped for the calling now. (Wow. Did I just write that?).

4. When you were born again, did you gain a new appreciation for your
surroundings as Rahab did when she received the Promise along with the Promised Land? Has some old place, object, or relationship been redeemed by now serving a
'high and holy purpose'?

I had a new perspective after my conversion, but the examples that come to my mind right now are more current, and a result of God putting my life back on track. I have a relationship with my step-daughter that I never imagined possible, and only because God was working to radically change my life. And...

My scars are redeemed. I have always been ashamed of my cutting scars, even though I kept adding to them. But over the last year God has turned my scars from signs of shame to symbols of His redemptive power. I look at them now and see how much God has done in my life rather than seeing proof of how badly I've screwed my life up.

5. Believers can still be Fist Shakers. Do you have circumstances in your life
in which you find yourself shaking your fist at God? Something He has asked you
to endure, asked you to do, seemingly taken away from you? Can you see how
shaking your fist is keeping you from your Promise? (I'm not talking eternal
security here - Only abundant living.)

Yes. Yes. Yes.Yes.Yes. And yes. I believe I mentioned that I am a petulant child? Thankfully, my fits of anger and complaining have dwindled down to a day or so, or sometimes even just moments. The grief over a situation still lasts quite a while, but the actual fist-shaking is brief. Thank God.

A trip to the time-out chair

Oh boy! Discipline. My favorite subject! (NOT!)

What I am trying to say is that God keeps me on a short leash. When I run out
too far or too quickly, He jerks me back with a Holy Spirit chokehold. That will
get a girls attention every single time! So if you notice I am hoarse, a lot,
now you know why. I have learned and you should know that when He has you by the neck, it is only because He loves you. Remember, He is for you! He wants to make your name great, for His own Glory... Hebrews 12:11 reads, "All discipline
for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, yet to those who have been
trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

Praise Him for a Divine Time Out!

Uhh... yeah. Ouch.

1. Have you ever experienced trials that were best dealt with "in the family"
for either your reputation's sake or God's? You may still choose to leave
them there, but you are welcome to share if you are comfortable.

Hmm... yes. I would have to say so. There are a few things that God dealt with me privately on, because it wasn't the time or the place for public conviction. Those "secret" disciplines between the two of us only strengthen my faith in His mercy.

2. Have you ever found yourself in a bizarre circumstance and later were able to
walk someone through the same/similar situation? Did you recognize the hand
of God in it?

Bizarre? Well, that depends on your definition. =) Have I ever had a BTDT moment - one where I got myself in a heap of trouble and God fished me out - that God was able to use to help someone else? Absolutely. And yes, I saw God's hand in it - not always in the middle of it because I am what you might call a petulant child. (I hold grudges, even against God - working on it). But looking back I could see where God was leading both my friend and me to something better than we had planned for ourselves.

3. I was in my late twenties [hey look! so was I!] before I ever let myself believe God was for me instead of waiting to smack me upside the head everytime I made a mistake. Do you truly believe God is on your side?

Wow. Has that ever been a battle! When I was in the midst of my abusive marriage I thought God was punishing me for something. Every time some new crisis or devastation occurred I looked back at my life and tried to make the "punishment" fit the "crime." It was hard to see God as anything but a harsh disciplinarian when the people around me had told me my life was the way it was because of something I did or didn't do. I am working my way back from that. (And yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, there is a LOT of work to be done). My heart knows better now, but my head sometimes runs away with me.

4. If God has ever had you in the Holy Spirit Chokehold (and who hasn't He?),
how have you reacted to God's chastisement? Were you bitter? Brokenhearted?
Grateful?

Only more often than I want to admit. There is one instance in particular where I was contemplating a choice that would have had devastating consequences - I stood at the very edge of disaster and God wrapped His shepherd's crook around my neck and yanked me back. The first time God and I had an encounter over a similar choice He let me go through it and picked up the pieces after. This time He stopped me.

I had already gotten myself into a mess and was set to make another just to get out of the first. I have to admit I was a little resentful that God didn't "fix" the whole situation instead of just a part - and in fact, He'd even heaped on a double dose. It was later, when I saw His hand clearly, that my heart broke. This situation is so tied in with a personal grief that it still breaks my heart every time it comes out of the box of memories. This is one of those secret disciplines I am glad God has kept between us until such a time that He can use it.

5. Write a brief prayer of Thanksgiving for God's longsuffering.

Lord,
You are amazingly patient. Every time I realize I've done yet another something to disappoint You I am overwhelmed with the depth of your mercy and grace. Thank You Lord, for letting me make some mistakes and picking up the pieces and thank You for keeping me from others. Thank You for setting me up to be a tool in Your hand, used to show others the grace and mercy I have come to know. I love You Daddy.

He's setting me up...

Now, you shall see. When all hope is gone, when things can not get any worse.
When the debt is crushing, when the husband is unfaithful. When the child is
wayward, when the friend betrays, when the health is gone. Now is when you are
in a place to credit God for a deliverance only He can bring. And what happens
as a result? When you proclaim what He has done on your behalf, You will make
your God famous. Those who hear will either respond in worship, fear, or denial.

Oh oh oh... now I'm in for it. This lesson was like a punch to my heart (in a good way... I think) and I have started and stopped this post at least a dozen times in the last week and a half.

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how often your conversation is
seasoned with the works of the Lord on your behalf? If you speak very little of
Him, is there a reason you know of? If you speak often, how do people respond?

At church, often. At home, not often enough. At work, occasionally - when appropriate. And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Its so hard to know what to do at work... not only are there rules about staff discussing personal religious beliefs in a public school, there are rarely opportunities.

I am surrounded by children all but 45 minutes of my day and to be honest, a lot of what God has done in my life concerns topics I don't feel comfortable talking about around children. And besides, I rarely have a moment to spare that I'm not spending talking about math, reading, writing and social skills.

I tell people I'll pray for them when something comes up, and I "thank God" instead of "thank goodness." I also try to say "I've been blessed" or "God has been good" but I don't really go deeper than that unless someone asks me how I cope.

2. Have you experienced a Set Up for a Show Up when you were uncertain whether the situation was the chastisement of the Lord or a temptation of Satan?

Yes. Yes. A few hundred times yes!!

3. Have you ever or are you now experiencing any Job trials where you can still
not identify any wrong-doing on your part?

No, the problem is there's too much wrong-doing to choose from. Even when I have myself convinced I'm doing everything right, I'm doing something wrong - pride, stubborness, boastfulness, etc. I am in no danger of Satan asking God for free reign to make my life miserable... he doesn't need to do much to prove I stumble. That's sad, really.

4. Apply this principle: How can my response make my God famous? Will obedience result in my sanctification and God's Glory?

I don't know that I want to answer this right now. I know it will... and I want all of it to mean something in the big picture. I know that I can give Him the glory and that He can take whatever it is and make something wonderful out of it. But if there was ever anything I fear more than anything else it is failure. I don't want to fail God - so I don't try. Silly, since not trying is an even bigger failure, isn't it?

5. Does the origin of our affliction matter in view of the fame God can gain
from it?

I suppose it shouldn't. And I'm sure it doesn't in the big picture. It does to me though. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

This last bit really tore at me... Bethany! Where is that expectation?

When an oppression is set up, whether it originated in heart of God
or the hate of Satan, expect God to show up. He will. Every.single.time. Our
responsibility is to make sure people know what He did for you when He got
there.

Time goes by...

My nephew graduated from high-school last night.

I only know this because my brother mentioned that one of my other brothers and my sister were in town, staying at my other sister's house. There are six of us - well, really, there are five of them from my Dad's first marriage and then there's me.

My brothers are 19, 18 and 17 years older than me and my sisters (twins) are 15 years older than me. We never lived together, and while I adored and nearly idolized my sisters we were never close. Not that I didn't want to be.

One of my sisters, for reasons I am still quite unsure of, has hated or resented or felt absolutely nothing for me at all for as long as I can remember. A couple of years before my Dad died, this sister wrote him, and by extension me, out of her life forever - told us not to contact her or her boys ever again. Her reasons are a long story, but suffice it to say it was a painful thing for my dad and a source of great bitterness for me.

I have struggled for years to forgive my sister for the way she treated our father... but time and God's mercy have erased the bitterness and rage. I miss my nephews - it has been 10 years since I saw them last. I also desperately miss FAMILY.

My other siblings cater to my sister's continued bitterness. They come to town and she asks them not to contact me so they don't - or they visit for an hour or two before running back to my sister's, looking at their watches every few minutes the whole time. I miss huge family holidays... and important milestones like my nephew's graduation.

Who'd have thought I would shed a tear over that.

Its sad really. My sister has looked to all sorts of things to fill the hole she has inside her. She married rich and has a fabulous lifestyle but she is miserable. She's church-hopped and religion-hopped and dabbled with New Age psychics to heal the myriad of hurts she carries around with her.

It used to infuriate me, and now it only makes me sad. She has every thing she could possibly want that this world has to offer, and it isn't enough. It never can be enough.

She's been on my mind for months now. I never thought I would pray for her... yet here I am, interceding for a sister I can't stop loving, even though she'd rather I not exist at all.

In short...

Because I still feel faintly like I got hit by a semi.

*I have been on antibiotics for four days and my tonsils are still so swollen they are nearly touching. On-call nurse says it isnt uncommon in adults who get strep... and that strep is pretty uncommon in adults to begin with. Would someone please tell that to my tonsils? They seem to think they need to harbor the infection at least twice a year!

*I haven't heard about the job yet. Whatever happens, happens. God has a plan. Right? Right.

*My children are entirely healthy... and stir-crazy, and not at all interested in letting their poor tired mom rest. Though they did pick me flowers. (Which would have been even sweeter if they hadn't come out of the neighbor's yard and hadn't made me sneeze. LOL).

*FIVE STUDENT DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!!! 'nuf said.