Wrapping it Up With Wide Open Spaces!

This is the 16th and final I AM Bible study lesson.

Wow, it has been some ride. I'm going to have a lot to say with this one, so bear with me.

Girls, there are pillars our God is setting under our faith so that it will be
one that does not shrink back nor is shaken. The idea that God is ENOUGH, that
He is sufficient in every way so I don't have to be is absolutely
foundational for me in a way I didn't comprehend before He led me down a very
difficult road.

I wonder sometimes if our society really understands what "enough" means. What does it mean to be filled to the point of absolute sufficiency? A place where there is never too much and never too little? I suppose to me it means that when it comes to God's power there will always be exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. If I seek God I will never be left wanting.

That is so hard for me to remember sometimes... so hard to apply on a day-to-day basis when it feels as though I am always running on empty.

But I've learned, I am not empty because God can't or won't fill me, I am empty because I haven't asked Him to.

Before this past year, I subconsciously believed I set my own pillars, that I
had to be strong and in control so the house wouldn't come tumbling down. So
when the house did crumble in a most unexpected way I was left amidst the rubble
holding on the only thing which still stood - the pillar of salvation. What is a
girl to do when the walls fall in? The worst thing is to try to rebuild that
thing on the same sand as before.

I suppose the only thing we can do is hold on to Jesus until the storm passes, and then keep holding on to Him rather than what's fallen when it is time to rebuild.

Easier said than done though. I've had the ground washed out from underneath my feet more times than I can count and what I want more than anything is to pick up the pieces and rebuild... but what's the point in rebuilding something that can't stand?

What is the point in clinging to things that can never be enough?

Well, ok, I know the point. They are comfortable. They feel safe. We are fooled into believing they are all we have that has value. And letting go feels like giving up everything that makes us feel secure. Which is no fun.

So what was Moses saying in his prophetic song ["The Lord is my strength and
song, and He has become my salvation; This is my God, and I will praise Him, My
father's God, and I will extol Him." Exodus 15:2]? God has become my Jesus. He
is my deliverance, my safety, my wide open spaces, my unbinding, my Promised
Land.

GOD is my promised land. Just had to say that again. Wow. Before this study, I don't think I ever looked at it that way before. God is my freedom and my endless possibilities. God is my opportunity and my hope.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I have pretty much lived a life devoid of hope. It was especially bad a few years ago, but even now, I don't allow myself to hope that things might get better. I don't allow myself to dwell on the possibilities. Sometimes I wonder if I really believe that God has the best in store for me rather than "make do."

More of the head knowing what is true and the heart struggling to catch up, I suppose.

I cried like a baby as I pictured Moses on that mountain looking over the
Promise. In my own imagination, I believe Moses' death came just as in the song,
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of
earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace." As the
earthly Canaan dimmed, the unfading one appeared. Oh, that we could all go out
in such a whisper.

I cried too. Ok, so I'm still crying. Thank God I can touch type or I would have some serious editing to do.

Sometimes I look at heaven as just another check box on the Christian to-do list. How can that be?? But for some reason, Lisa's description really reminded me of the glory that's waiting.

As bad as life here on earth is... and, as good as it can be, the best is yet to come.

What is one thing God has taught you through this study?

Only one? I guess the title of the study says it all - I AM, so you don't have to be. Over and over and over through this study and the months I've spent working through it, God has shown me that I have to let Him be enough - I have to let HIM, rather than everything else in my life, fill me up if I actually want to be satisfied. The lesson is still in progress, but I'm getting there.

A Full Circle - a Second Chance.

Only Caleb and Joshua trusted God to go before them into the Land while the
other ten spies discouraged the people by spreading doubt and fear. The ensuing
rebellion cost Israel forty long years and the death of the entire generation -
all because ten men did not trust their God to finish the work He had
begun by leading them out of Egypt.

Isn't that the root of a lot of rebellion? I know it has been for me. I received forgiveness, received a call but I still couldn't trust God to finish the work so I went my own way. I didn't rebel for rebellion's sake, instead I turned from God because I didn't believe His promises

Burning Questions:

1. I think we can all agree most of us find ourselves closer to God in the
struggle than without it. How does it affect you knowing that trial is what
draws you more intimately in relationship to Your God?

It makes me wish I could grow close to God without the trial. I know that the testing of our faith produces perseverence (James 1:3) but there are days when I have just had enough already. I wonder why I am such a backwards, rebellious soul that I have to endure adversity in order to deepen my relationship with my God.

2. Have you ever made a huge mistake but then found yourself in the position for
a 'do-over'? Did you make a better decision the second or third or fourth time
around? :)

Yes, I have found myself in the exact same position as previous sins and have made the better choice. I don't know that I really consider it a "do-over" though. I mean, look at Israel, an entire generation of people had to die so that the nation would have the choice again to enter or not enter the Promised land. We have to die too, to that previous sin, in order to come to the same choice again and take the righteous road.

3. Is there a 'generational sin' in your family you have overcome? This can be
anything from a lineage of unbelief to issues of many kinds. This may be a
private matter. Share if you feel liberty or quietly thank God for His
deliverance. If you have not yet been delivered, I pray with all my heart God's
Word is giving you courage to ask for help in that area

. I suppose the biggest generational sin in my family is the "sin" of silence. My parents were strong and devoted Christians and I consider them excellent examples of faith. However, I also lived in a home where no one was really honest with their emotions.

I always felt as though strong feeling, even positive feeling, was an embarassment. And we never talked about emotional issues. Honestly, I don't think we ever really talked about anything except casual conversation - weather, grades, plans for the weekend. It created an environment of silence and secrets. It created an attitude of "I will never ask for help." I can see the same in my grandparents and in what I've been told of my great-grandparents.

I am trying to teach my kids a better way. My family has been through nightmare after nightmare and I WANT my children to tell me when they're scared, sad or angry. I WANT them to express themselves and tell the truth about what they've experienced. I WANT to be as honest with them as possible. I want God to be glorified in the redemption of my past. That can't happen if I never talk about it.

4. Have you ever been misunderstood? Do you feel unforgiven for past mistakes
even though you know God has forgiven you?

At times. Mostly though, I'm my own worst enemy in this arena.

5. Is there a sister you need to extend grace towards in order to be able to
'bless God together'? Do you comprehend how your unforgiveness is hindering her
from inhabiting her own Promise? If no, do you recognize a situation within your
church body where this may be happening? If so, ask God to raise up a 'Phinehas'
(mediator) in this situation. He may just reveal the Phinehas is you. :)

Something I'll have to think about a while...

Promised Land - In or Out?

Hear me on this one, girls. We hold an amazing amount of power in our words. It
is our duty as women of God to build one another up in the Lord lest our sister
lose heart in the individual mission God has laid before her.

Women can be the most cruel, and they can be the most comforting. There is a whole lot of power in our words and to quote Uncle Ben (gotta love Spiderman!), "with great power comes great responsibility." Have you been an EN-courager or a DIS-courager?

Burning Questions:

1. We talked of the importance of encouragement when God has called us to task.
Has a lack of encouragement or even ridicule ever taken you back to a place of
insufficiency you thought you had conquered?

Oy. Yes. I can say from experience that I would much rather people beat me up than tear me down. There is nothing quite as defeating (or deafening) as ridicule from someone who should be supporting you. It is especially cruel when it comes from a fellow Christian who looks at you and echoes all the insidious little whispered bouncing around in your head. Isn't it sad when Satan uses our words to hurt our brothers and sisters in Christ?

2. Is there someone you know right now who is attempting a new ministry that
could use a world of encouragement from you? Why do you think this thing may be scary for her? Will you commit to write a note, make a call, or send an email
with a dose of courage inside?

Yes, and done.

3. Read Moses' song in Exodus 15:3-18. What line speaks to you most? Why does it touch you?

Ex 15:17 You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of your inheritance—the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established. It's the idea of sanctury that gets to me. Sanctuary to me is a "place" to rest and worship in absolute security and more than anything, I need to feel secure. Truth is, I don't really. Is that wrong? I don't know.

4. Based on the applications of living either inside or outside the Promise,
where would you now say you currently reside? (As I read your answers, if this
one point seems to have been confusing, I'll elaborate in a separate post. Again
remember I am asking this question in terms of abundant living and not in
determining salvation.;))

Hmm... surprisingly enough, I have to say IN. I have some really ugly moments, but my battle isn't really unbelief anymore. My battles are overcoming all the baggage that years of doubt and disobedience have left behind.

5. If you are 'Somewhere in the Middle' between the girl you were and the one
you want to be, how do you plan on changing that? Is there a barrier you feel
you can't climb? Knowing God is for you and this study group is for you, is
there a way we can help?

More time in the Word. More time in prayer where I am actually listening to God's direction rather than trying to tell Him how it is going to be. I have allowed my past to be a huge barrier... I need to let God take it down with a bulldozer or one brick at a time; whichever it has to be.

Promise & Purpose... :::sigh:::

Hmm... well... isn't this lesson apropos?

I pray as we have studied God's Beauty, His Sufficiency, and His Fame that you
have begun to accept the fact He has an abundant life waiting for you if you
will simply step into it. Sometimes He has to take us far enough away from our
Egypt so it will be farther to travel back there than to fight it out to Canaan.
(Exodus 13:17) Oh how I hope you are more than halfway home!

What is abundance anyway? I am fairly certain God's definition of abundance is different from my own.

In this study Lisa identifies four basic human needs:
1. A sense of self-worth
2. A Feeling of Peace and Safety
3. Assurance of provision
4. To Be Loved
I struggle with each and every one of them... which leads to the...

BURNING QUESTIONS

1. Do you struggle with a sense of self-worth? How do you perceive this has
affected the way you are able to 'keep your head upright'? If not, do you know
someone who suffers in this area?

Yes I struggle. Daily, hourly, minute-ly (no, that isn't a word). Keeping my head upright is an act of will... It is a choice I make, even when I don't feel it. Especially when I don't feel it. Which means that keeping my head up is sometimes more of a chore than a joy. Which, I guess means that it isn't really "holding my head up."

2. What are you most afraid of? Does this fear affect the way you move through
life? (Ex. Are you overprotective with children? Afraid to take risks?)

The disapproval of others - and it is paralyzing at times. Not being able to take care of my kids - I hate not knowing if next month is going to be the month I get evicted because I don't have anything left to pay rent, much less anything else... and I have FAR more faith in this arena than I did a few years ago.

3. What is one of the most marvelous ways God has provided a need? I can't wait
to hear your stories on this one!

Last winter I was in financial trouble... my job just wasn't paying enough to meet the basics (housing, utilities, food, gas). I wasn't finding another job no matter how hard I looked. Then there was a contract negotiation that increased my pay to just enough (almost to the penny) and it was retroactive so the extra check I got allowed me to pay things I was behind on. I was still living paycheck to paycheck, but as long as I had one, I could make it.

4. Steve Brown, a Moody Broadcasting Bible Teacher, is one of the first people I
ever heard teach the concept that God was not mad at me. I grew up in a
denomination that led me to believe He was in a continuous state of
disappointment over my failures. How about you? Though in your heart you know
God says He loves you, does Satan in your mind ever try to convince you
otherwise?

Yes. But I refuse to go there right now... I am already treading thin ice emotionally.

5. How close are you to your own Promised Land? Not at all, 1/2 way, almost
there? By this I mean the place of abundant living and effectiveness here on
earth, not the ultimate fulfillment in Glory! Though I hope you are going to
heaven, I don't want it to be today! :)

Bad day to ask... and while the lesson is more than appropriate, I probably should have waited for another day to do it. I have a really bad attitude. I'm so confused right now about what I can even be effective doing... I don't want to accept that my dreams aren't going to be a reality. I don't want to give up my first real vacation since having children. I don't want to be content with the way things are now.

Gloria In Excelsis Deo

This lesson really struck me:

Moses had seen God in the wonders, but more important to him was knowing
God in the inmost, private places. Wonders would not be such if they weren't few
and far between. Many believers set themselves up for disappointment by becoming what James MacDonald calls 'Wonders Junkies'. They are so transfixed on the huge displays of God they can't cope during the days of small things.

I have to admit, for a long time I was a "wonder junkie." I craved those mountain top experiences with God so much that I sought another peak to climb over and over and over again. But I avoided the daily walk with Him because it just wasn't exciting enough.

Forgive the analogy, but this thrill-seeking behavior is like sex without intimacy. It can be an amazing experience, and you can become very familiar with your spouse's body and movements and physical needs, but you never get to know their soul. You are more concerned with what they can do (especially for you) than with who they are. You roll out of bed and the connection is over until the next time you get hit with the craving.

Intimacy requires knowing more, knowing deeper. Intimacy is the quiet conversations, the hand-holding, the treasuring of each other that doesn't require those extreme moments to be satisfied. Intimacy is waking up and going through the day with your spouse, even if you do nothing more than yardwork and watch TV. Intimacy is being with that person even when you aren't physically with them. Intimacy is when the real relationship happens.

How many times do we want to be with God only in those moments of excitement and wonder? How many times do we roll out of our beds in the morning and leave God behind as we go about our days? How many times do we use God for the thrills He can give us and then just walk away?

Yes. I said USE. Ouch. Can you hear that 2x4 smacking me upside the head?

Okay, so that wasn't exactly the main idea of this week's study... but it resonated. And now that I've gotten off my soap box, on to the lesson:

1. We discussed how we are God's fame and He is ours. Have you ever been in a
situation where you are applauded for your ministry and had to fight back the
idol of pride? Ever been tempted to believe your own press? It's okay to admit
it! Your testimony will help others in their resolve!

Yes. I used to write a lot, and quite well. I had a lot of pride in my writing. I was convinced that some day I'd write best-sellers and be a famous Christian author. I was prolific - I wrote devotions, op-ed type pieces, poetry, research, etc. I was a Writer and I was good. I was so wrapped up in my own pride that I forgot the Why and the Who of my writing.

Boy did I have a big head. And boy did God put up a block in my path! I got writer's block. So much so that I failed a couple of classes because I could not, no matter how hard I tried, write the papers. I pretty much stopped writing for nearly a decade - and that is no exaggeration.

Sometimes I feel like blog-land is shaky ground for me. What if God allows a full recovery of that gift I abused and I go and misuse it again? School was a hard struggle too. I was constantly battling my need to write for my glory rather than God's. I am sure that will come up again in grad school.

Thankfully, I'm no where near as good anymore, it isn't as easy to find the words. Harder to toot my own horn. =) And yes, the temptation to take the glory when something decent comes off my fingers is very strong... but I know Who gave the words to me, and that they wouldn't be there apart from Him. I'm not called to be a writer, though God may use my writing occasionally, and now I know it.

2. Did it ever occur to you in the 3-way drama of God, Job, and Satan that Satan
was the only one outside the loop as far as Job's reactions would be? Does this
encourage you in resolving to make a fool of him when he attempts to use you to
defame the Name?

Never really thought about it before, but yes it is encouraging. Satan doesn't really know me; he knows what my flesh might want, but he has no way to know the desires and motivations of Christ-in-me. He hasn't a slightest grasp of the power God has put at my disposal. Wow. That's kind of cool. (In same way that a woman is "kind of" pregnant).

3. Are you in a situation now where you feel you are being overcome? Better yet,
are you in a situation where you should have been overcome but are not?

Hmm... yes and yes. The last two and a half years, in a lot of ways, have been more difficult than the seven years I was in the midst of a nightmare marriage. I suppose it is a difference of not knowing anything can change and knowing things can be different but still feeling the bleakness. However, God has given me the strength to weather more than I ever imagined possible. It is still a struggle, but in the end I'm still standing.

4. Have you failed in a Satan-designed trial? Can you recognize God intends for
this failure to refine and resolve you for next time? God is not out for your
destruction but your perfection!

I've failed ALOT. And yes, I can use those failures instead of being used by them. It is a lot harder to forget what God has done for me when I look back and remember the pits He pulled me out of. He has shown me time and time again that He is faithful even when I am not. That goes a LONG way toward strengthening my resolve when I'm under attack.

5. Can you describe yourself as a Wonders Junkie? Found yourself in spiritual
highs and lows depending on whether you perceived God was doing wondrous things
or not?

See soapbox above. =) I am not that person anymore. I'm really enjoying the daily walks and quiet conversations with the King of Kings. The mountain top experiences are great, but they mean more now, with all the quiet moments in between. To loosely quote Rich Mullins, He has been King of my glory AND my Prince of peace.

6. Have you ever been like Philip and had God right in your face and not
recognized Him?

No. Never. (Heh. Sarcasm). Yes. YES. There are so many times when I thought God had left me/failed me and it wasn't until much later that I could see His hand was everywhere in that situation. There were times in my life that were outright bad but they were never as bad as they could have been. I was always provided a way out. I was always forgiven. I was always given an opportunity to redeem those times the locusts have eaten.

7. Journal a brief prayer asking God for His Glory. Let it be the thing we all
desire above all else.....

Lord, make Your glory the desire of my heart and let me see You in every moment of my life rather than just in the wonder and thrill of mountain top experiences. Amen.

Go ahead, raise your fist!

The story of Rahab is one of those amazing redemption stories I just can't get enough of. A pagan prostitute is the many-times great grandmother of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords?! Only our God could come up with something so wonderful.

It may interest you to know some scholars theorize one of the the spies was
actually Salmon, the man Rahab later married. This may or may not be true but if
it is, talk about transforming a common object as a tool for wonders! The flax
which once hid Rahab's secret lovers now covered a man who would look past all
her sin and love her unconditionally, just as Jesus Christ continues to do for
us today. The rope which once provided a means for escape for the lowlifes who
frequented her establishment now gave God-speed to the righteous men who would secure her salvation. This same scarlet rope which once symbolized Rahab's shame now represented atonement and would be the marker that saved her life as well as the lives of her family. I get chills just thinking about it!

So do I. God is so good, isn't He? And now for the fun part:

We learned about two different kinds of people -
1. 'The Fist Shakers' respond in mortal fear for their temporal bodies.
2. The Faith Takers will experience a holy fear that will transcend their bodies and cut straight to their souls.

Burning Questions

1. When is the last time you encountered a Fist Shaker? This may be a stranger
to you or as close as a loved one in your own home. Does anything in our
description help you to understand their animosity towards God? Are you able to
have more compassion towards them?

My sister is a fist shaker. It used to be one of the many things I held against her (see previous post) but now it just makes me sad. I know that she's just running scared - scared of her past, scared of her future... and I think perhaps a bit scared of looking herself in the mirror every morning.

2. Does anything about Rahab's redemption strike a nerve? This may be a question
you would like to ponder privately. Sexual sin and/or victimization can be an
area where Satan has an enormous stronghold because it can hold so many painful and shameful memories. If Rahab teaches us anything, please know God can redeem any life and any situation, no matter how heinous it seems, and plant you
unashamedly 'in the midst of Israel'. Rahab deserved death according to Mosaic
Law, however she was shown nothing but lovingkindness by the God and nation of Israel.

Yes, her redemption strikes a nerve. There are a number of things in my life that I have seen as unredeemable. Sexual sin, victimization and the consequences of both definitely top that list. For a born and bred church girl I sure have a shameful past. Not that I believed God is incapable or unwilling to redeem the dark and ugly areas of my life, but I never thought I would be able to give them over to Him. Though, to be honest, it has always been "Israel"s response to my past that worries me more than God's.

3. Is there an area of your life in which you feel you have come full circle?
Where you've come to a place where everything and nothing are the same? (I'm
thinking Lord of the Rings when Frodo goes back to the Shire after his long
adventure. You have no clue what I just said if you are not an LOTR nerd so just
ignore this if it doesn't make sense! :)

Without a doubt. I was set on my current vocational path over a decade ago, then I took a U-turn toward disaster. Now, 10 years later I'm back on the path, but everything is different. Same schools, same plans, same calling, but the person who first started on this path and the person God has led back to it are so completely different they are almost unrecognizable. I am not the person I was, and even though I made a royal mess of things, I think I am better equipped for the calling now. (Wow. Did I just write that?).

4. When you were born again, did you gain a new appreciation for your
surroundings as Rahab did when she received the Promise along with the Promised Land? Has some old place, object, or relationship been redeemed by now serving a
'high and holy purpose'?

I had a new perspective after my conversion, but the examples that come to my mind right now are more current, and a result of God putting my life back on track. I have a relationship with my step-daughter that I never imagined possible, and only because God was working to radically change my life. And...

My scars are redeemed. I have always been ashamed of my cutting scars, even though I kept adding to them. But over the last year God has turned my scars from signs of shame to symbols of His redemptive power. I look at them now and see how much God has done in my life rather than seeing proof of how badly I've screwed my life up.

5. Believers can still be Fist Shakers. Do you have circumstances in your life
in which you find yourself shaking your fist at God? Something He has asked you
to endure, asked you to do, seemingly taken away from you? Can you see how
shaking your fist is keeping you from your Promise? (I'm not talking eternal
security here - Only abundant living.)

Yes. Yes. Yes.Yes.Yes. And yes. I believe I mentioned that I am a petulant child? Thankfully, my fits of anger and complaining have dwindled down to a day or so, or sometimes even just moments. The grief over a situation still lasts quite a while, but the actual fist-shaking is brief. Thank God.

A trip to the time-out chair

Oh boy! Discipline. My favorite subject! (NOT!)

What I am trying to say is that God keeps me on a short leash. When I run out
too far or too quickly, He jerks me back with a Holy Spirit chokehold. That will
get a girls attention every single time! So if you notice I am hoarse, a lot,
now you know why. I have learned and you should know that when He has you by the neck, it is only because He loves you. Remember, He is for you! He wants to make your name great, for His own Glory... Hebrews 12:11 reads, "All discipline
for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, yet to those who have been
trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

Praise Him for a Divine Time Out!

Uhh... yeah. Ouch.

1. Have you ever experienced trials that were best dealt with "in the family"
for either your reputation's sake or God's? You may still choose to leave
them there, but you are welcome to share if you are comfortable.

Hmm... yes. I would have to say so. There are a few things that God dealt with me privately on, because it wasn't the time or the place for public conviction. Those "secret" disciplines between the two of us only strengthen my faith in His mercy.

2. Have you ever found yourself in a bizarre circumstance and later were able to
walk someone through the same/similar situation? Did you recognize the hand
of God in it?

Bizarre? Well, that depends on your definition. =) Have I ever had a BTDT moment - one where I got myself in a heap of trouble and God fished me out - that God was able to use to help someone else? Absolutely. And yes, I saw God's hand in it - not always in the middle of it because I am what you might call a petulant child. (I hold grudges, even against God - working on it). But looking back I could see where God was leading both my friend and me to something better than we had planned for ourselves.

3. I was in my late twenties [hey look! so was I!] before I ever let myself believe God was for me instead of waiting to smack me upside the head everytime I made a mistake. Do you truly believe God is on your side?

Wow. Has that ever been a battle! When I was in the midst of my abusive marriage I thought God was punishing me for something. Every time some new crisis or devastation occurred I looked back at my life and tried to make the "punishment" fit the "crime." It was hard to see God as anything but a harsh disciplinarian when the people around me had told me my life was the way it was because of something I did or didn't do. I am working my way back from that. (And yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, there is a LOT of work to be done). My heart knows better now, but my head sometimes runs away with me.

4. If God has ever had you in the Holy Spirit Chokehold (and who hasn't He?),
how have you reacted to God's chastisement? Were you bitter? Brokenhearted?
Grateful?

Only more often than I want to admit. There is one instance in particular where I was contemplating a choice that would have had devastating consequences - I stood at the very edge of disaster and God wrapped His shepherd's crook around my neck and yanked me back. The first time God and I had an encounter over a similar choice He let me go through it and picked up the pieces after. This time He stopped me.

I had already gotten myself into a mess and was set to make another just to get out of the first. I have to admit I was a little resentful that God didn't "fix" the whole situation instead of just a part - and in fact, He'd even heaped on a double dose. It was later, when I saw His hand clearly, that my heart broke. This situation is so tied in with a personal grief that it still breaks my heart every time it comes out of the box of memories. This is one of those secret disciplines I am glad God has kept between us until such a time that He can use it.

5. Write a brief prayer of Thanksgiving for God's longsuffering.

Lord,
You are amazingly patient. Every time I realize I've done yet another something to disappoint You I am overwhelmed with the depth of your mercy and grace. Thank You Lord, for letting me make some mistakes and picking up the pieces and thank You for keeping me from others. Thank You for setting me up to be a tool in Your hand, used to show others the grace and mercy I have come to know. I love You Daddy.

He's setting me up...

Now, you shall see. When all hope is gone, when things can not get any worse.
When the debt is crushing, when the husband is unfaithful. When the child is
wayward, when the friend betrays, when the health is gone. Now is when you are
in a place to credit God for a deliverance only He can bring. And what happens
as a result? When you proclaim what He has done on your behalf, You will make
your God famous. Those who hear will either respond in worship, fear, or denial.

Oh oh oh... now I'm in for it. This lesson was like a punch to my heart (in a good way... I think) and I have started and stopped this post at least a dozen times in the last week and a half.

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how often your conversation is
seasoned with the works of the Lord on your behalf? If you speak very little of
Him, is there a reason you know of? If you speak often, how do people respond?

At church, often. At home, not often enough. At work, occasionally - when appropriate. And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Its so hard to know what to do at work... not only are there rules about staff discussing personal religious beliefs in a public school, there are rarely opportunities.

I am surrounded by children all but 45 minutes of my day and to be honest, a lot of what God has done in my life concerns topics I don't feel comfortable talking about around children. And besides, I rarely have a moment to spare that I'm not spending talking about math, reading, writing and social skills.

I tell people I'll pray for them when something comes up, and I "thank God" instead of "thank goodness." I also try to say "I've been blessed" or "God has been good" but I don't really go deeper than that unless someone asks me how I cope.

2. Have you experienced a Set Up for a Show Up when you were uncertain whether the situation was the chastisement of the Lord or a temptation of Satan?

Yes. Yes. A few hundred times yes!!

3. Have you ever or are you now experiencing any Job trials where you can still
not identify any wrong-doing on your part?

No, the problem is there's too much wrong-doing to choose from. Even when I have myself convinced I'm doing everything right, I'm doing something wrong - pride, stubborness, boastfulness, etc. I am in no danger of Satan asking God for free reign to make my life miserable... he doesn't need to do much to prove I stumble. That's sad, really.

4. Apply this principle: How can my response make my God famous? Will obedience result in my sanctification and God's Glory?

I don't know that I want to answer this right now. I know it will... and I want all of it to mean something in the big picture. I know that I can give Him the glory and that He can take whatever it is and make something wonderful out of it. But if there was ever anything I fear more than anything else it is failure. I don't want to fail God - so I don't try. Silly, since not trying is an even bigger failure, isn't it?

5. Does the origin of our affliction matter in view of the fame God can gain
from it?

I suppose it shouldn't. And I'm sure it doesn't in the big picture. It does to me though. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

This last bit really tore at me... Bethany! Where is that expectation?

When an oppression is set up, whether it originated in heart of God
or the hate of Satan, expect God to show up. He will. Every.single.time. Our
responsibility is to make sure people know what He did for you when He got
there.

Pick up that Snake! (Don't run from it)

Moses had tried to help the Israelites once to which they ridiculed him with the
response, 'who made you ruler and judge over us?' How do you recover from
that? Most of us would do exactly what Moses did. Run. Hide. Shove it down
and pretend it never happened. The problem is, whatever your 'it' is will
revisit you. It is only a matter of when.

I knew this lesson would hit home the minute I read the above. If I have learned anything over the last few years it is that the more I try to run from things, the more God puts those things back into my path until I deal with them. And the farther I run, the more ammunition I give to the enemy. And then there's this:

Girls, there is only so much time we need to spend dwelling on our past
failures, shames, and heartaches. The God who allows despair has also ordained a
deliverance.

::::sigh:::: And this:

There comes a time when it is necessary to overcome our
fear, stop wallowing in misery, and embrace the experiences of our lives for
what they are - a tool for the wonders of God. Why? 'So they will believe God
appeared to you'.

Message sent. Message received. Message absorbed this time? I hope so. This particular 2x4 is getting a bit painful in the application.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to 'go back' to a place of shame or ridicule? How did that make you feel?

Ashamed. Ridiculed. (I know, I know, obvious answers) And this horrible, heart-deep despair that, on occasion, drove me to try to atone in my own, incredibly faulty way (see here).

There are things I thought I would never - and could never - face that I have been forced to go back to again and again until I could see them through God's eyes. Praise God His eyes are so much more merciful than my own! When I saw the unforgiveable and unredeemable, God saw the transformation of ashes into beauty.

2. Is there any circumstance in your life that still has you running for cover? Share if you feel comfortable.

Depends on the day, and how much leaway I've allowed Satan to have in accusing me. Right now, my marital history has me skittish - the abuse, the divorce, all of the mistakes... it's such lovely fodder for self-flaggelation. And because I'm in the process of applying for grad school, the matter comes up... and it comes up at church all too frequently as well. I still don't know how to face this one.

3. When is the last time you felt like an overcomer?

It has been 8 months and 21 days since the last time I cut myself - long enough that it is no longer a tear-filled battle to choose a different way to cope. In this, at least, I can say without hesitation that God has made me an overcomer. Praise Him!

4. If you have not yet taken the serpent by the tail, are you willing to stop running, take hold and trust God to transform it into a tool for wonders?

I don't know what to do about the marriage/divorce thing. I don't know how to pick up this particular snake. Do I address the gossipers? Do I step down from all ministry roles? Despite the abuse and the unfaithfulness and the misery, am I in the wrong? I know I just need to trust God to work this one out in His way... but the potential, no matter how small and unlikely, that God's way may mean going back to my ex has me absolutely terrified. Shaking-crying-being-woke-up-by-nightmares terrified. Yes, I know, this snake has way too much power over me. Working on it... sort of.

5. I would like for you to write down this statement based on 1 John 2:14 somewhere you will see it often this week: "I am strong, the Word of God abides in me, and I have overcome the evil one." Memorize it. Say it over and over until you believe it. Will you do this?? Most of the time, there are no right or wrong answers, but on this one, I'm expecting a 'yes'!

Yes ma'am. I even put it on a marquee as my screen saver. Happy? =)

Who Am I?

Oh wow. I was in an UGLY mood yesterday. I need to just get over this funk I'm in. Today's Bible study seemed especially appropriate for me.



1. How would you answer the questions, "Who Am I?"

I am God's. I am a Christian. I am a mom. Then there are various identities that come from occupation, family, etc. etc. etc. (Can you tell I'm a Human Development/Anthropology geek?) And then, if I let it, the description get ugly. So I won't let it. I am God's. That's what counts (even if don't always believe it does).

2. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt inadequate because of your lack of a 'tagline'?

Only most of my life. I've described myself as "just a [fill-in-the-blank]" more times than I can count. "Who do you think you are?" has been another popular refrain. I can identify with Moses. Oh boy can I!

3. Do you have skills or position that you believe God could use mightily if only He would?

Oy. No. God can use me mightily despite my lack of skill and position if He so chooses, and if I let Him. I have NOTHING God can use on my own.

4. Have you ever lost a position or station in life you believe could have 'helped God out' with something He has asked you to do? If you haven't lost out, do you perhaps feel you have to gain this in order to be useful to the Kingdom?

I struggle with the thought that being divorced severely limits any use God could have for me. What good is a marriage and family therapist whose marriage fell apart? And yes, I feel as though I need to be something better before God can use me in any significant way.

5. How are you with your dialogue vs. doubt conversations with God? Which does God hear most from you?

Doubt.

6. Do you believe God's Wonders become more wonderful if they originate in the ordinary? Any Scripture references come to mind?

Yes, I absolutely believe that. Believing it is true for me is an act of will I can't always bring myself to. The reference that comes to mind is, "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9).

West of what exactly??

I'm just getting convicted left and right lately. Think God is trying to tell me something? Lord, help me take conviction to action. Between these lessons, Bible study at church and this absolutely phenomenal women's Muslim Prayer Tea (deserves a whole post of its own) I have been pummelled with God's truth. Time to wake up and discover what it is God is pounding me into.

I love this bit: "Girls, our God is one of present-tense. There is no situation where you have ever been, are in now, or are going any time in your future where He will not prove Himself to be a current solution." God has an answer to this funk I'm in, I just need to trust Him to show it to me.

1. How current is your God? Is he up to date on all your issues or do you have old hurts you still hold behind your back?

God is current, but I'm a hoarder. I've gotten so much better at this, and God is sooo patient, but it is still a real struggle to bring absolutely everything to God. I don't know what my problem is really. I know He knows, but I still refuse to talk to Him about certain things. Maybe because I'm afraid of His response? Not that He won't forgive me - that He will... that He already has. Doesn't make sense, does it?

2. Has the enemy ever told you there are situations that are 'old news' that are better left stuffed down? Or perhaps because they were so long ago they can't possibly be affecting you now?

Oh yes. I've believed a LOT of lies like that over the years. "Go ahead Bethany, hide those little secrets. They don't matter. You don't have to deal." Yeah. Right. Nevermind that they influence my decisions and direct my behavior whether I realize it or not.

3. In the matter of established authority, does God truly reign in your life? Where are you when He calls your name?

:::sigh::: Do I really have to answer this? Does He reign? Yes. Do I fight Him every step of the way? Usually.

4. Do you ever feel God has forgotten you in your 'west side of the wilderness'?

No. Not anymore. I did for a 7+ year period of my life, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never forget me. I, on the other hand, have a serious memory problem.

5. Have you ever experienced a time of cleansing where God has illuminated and rejuvenated you? If not, do you find you are in need of this now?

Standing in the need.

I was... I AM... I hope.

Another hard one.





1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?

Bewildered? Demoralized? Ok. Let me be honest here, right now I am living a pretty faithless life. It isn't that I don't believe with all my heart... because I do. However, I am having a hard time living in the joy of that belief. I am so confused right now... so many things that seemed so clear, aren't anymore. I can't even manage to fill out my grad-school applications. What does that say about me??

2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?

Not today, but on other days I would have to say it is contentment of the "decidedly" variety. There isn't much about my life that is dreamy, but I choose to be happy with what I have... And yes, I know the converse is true, I also choose not to be happy. So snap out of it Bethany! Heh.

3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?

Hmm... I miss school. A LOT. It was the one place where I felt as though I truly belonged - where I not only felt competant and capable but others treated me that way. I miss that feeling just as much, if not more, than I miss the learning.

And then there's church... church is supposed to be a sanctuary, right? Well, mine isn't right now. My ex-husband was not a nice man. Still isn't. But he is very very good at playing the part. Its part and parcel of the whole personality disorder gig.

A few months ago he started coming back to my church. He's a charmer... and his current plea to anyone who will listen is "I'm a totally changed man, but she won't forgive me. Pray that God will soften her heart?" And people listen... and judge... and my sanctuary isn't safe anymore.

4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?

Yes. But I choose not to answer this question too deeply because my current state of mind is one of self-recrimination and I'm going to avoid that pit for today.

5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?

Yes. See above. Though I will say, I know that God loves me, I know that He cares and I know that He has my best-interests at heart. That's a change from a few years ago. My problem today is more one of not asking for His help because I have decided I don't deserve it.

6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?

I certainly hope so.

The Best Laid Plans....

The story of my life is right there in that title. I have all sorts of plans for my life and I run along on my merry way expecting things to work out exactly as I have planned them - only I have also left God out of the equation. Then, as Lisa said, He throws a wrench in the gears... and life comes to a screeching halt.

*note: its taken me over a week to finish this. Tough one.

1. I am going to present to you a little acrostic to begin our discussion today. What is your latest NLIP? (Not Like I Planned?)

Hmm... there have been many. I suppose the most recent has been my job situation. As I've said in an earlier post, I enjoy my work very much, but it has left me feeling restless. I made all these plans to find a job that better suited my vocational goals after my graduation in December. I filled out a dozen applications and was certain that I'd be hired. My family's financial needs also played a part. My ex wasn't (still isn't) paying child support and I wasn't able to pay my bills. I was quickly approaching real financial trouble and *I* was going to figure a way out of it. Ha! I'm still in the same job, and my financial needs were met (almost to the penny) by a raise due to a contract renegotiation. I also discovered that God had placed me there for such a time as this.

2. How did you react to your NLIP? Are you still upset about it? Happy about it? Baffled by it? Explain.

I was pretty panicked over it actually... and very discouraged. I'm not upset about it now, but I still feel restless. I am still impatient for what God has planned for me. And no, I am NOT going to pray for patience. =)

3. Have you ever attempted to step into an area of ministry and found your desire rejected? Did this cause you to question God and yourself? Perhaps distrust what you perceived to be your calling?

I've received a LOT of opposition in my current position at church because of my "family situation." People have judged me and my circumstances without ever asking for my side of the story. Almost everyone, even close friends, told me I couldn't handle the position. Very discouraging, but God put this ministry in my heart and I will serve Him in it until HE moves me elsewhere.

Then there's this lifetime calling... my best friend in the world, who I just assumed would be supportive, really hasn't been. However, my doubts aren't from without but from within. I am my own worst enemy... with a little bit of help from another "enemy" as well.

4. Do you harbor any bitterness towards any individual or situation which you believe waylaid your best laid plans?

Hmm... sometimes. I know that sounds disingenuous but I don't know how to explain it. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by bitterness... but they don't last long, and I'm not even sure they're coming from me (does that make sense?).

I still struggle with bitterness/anger toward my ex. The hurt there is so deep and so ugly... and it is so hard to heal because, well... when you have a wound and you keep picking at it, it never does heal, does it?

Mostly I blame myself. I have the scars to prove it.

5. Have you had a life experience or trial that left you with a shaken faith because it ended in an NLIP? Please share if you feel free.

Oh boy have I ever. I never wanted my marriage to fall apart. I never wanted to be labeled a "battered woman." I never wanted to be a single mom to four children with hurts I can't fix; hurts I should have prevented. I could list a thousand things about my life over the last decade that didn't turn out as planned. And yes, I lost faith because of it. God is gracious though, and faithful, even when we aren't. Now, my faith is stronger for it. Would I go back and undo it all? I don't know.

5. Based on Moses' response of faith to his own rejection, how will you re-evaluate your own experiences or look at future ones differently if a NLIP presents itself?

Hmm... Something to think on. Not something I have an answer for yet.

A Lady's Desire...

So here I am again... I took a week's break - the stress of last week is my excuse - but I'm back at it. Is it a blessing or a curse when you seem to get the same message from every possible angle?

1. It was stated in the Lesson that God has made you "once, twice, three times a lady." Where are you in this progression? Obviously we have all been physically born, but are you 'twice a lady'? Have you been born again spiritually? This may be a private matter you'd like to discuss confidentially. If so, email me. If you have already received this gift, write a brief prayer of thanksgiving or testimony.

Saved from myself and my sin by God's grace alone. I was broken, I was lost, and I was alone and then God "grabbed me up" out of the despair I was living in and loved me enough to forgive those things I still struggle to forgive myself for. I'll post a more thorough testimony later.

2. Are you three times a lady? Has God given you a stirring deep within your Spirit to be a 'deliverer'? Do you have a desire or are you already meeting a need in the life of the church, a particular ministry (such as jail ministry, food ministry, etc.) or perhaps individuals who share common issues?

Oh boy do I have the desire. Sometimes it feels like it is burning so brightly inside me that I'm going to go blind from the wanting. And now my fingers are in knots trying to express this. As I've said in an earlier post, I'm discovering God's plan for me where I am now, but I also know He has a great deal more in store for me.

3. Do you ever get tired of waiting for that opportunity to do something
worthwhile for God? Do you ever feel God is using someone else instead of you?

Tired of waiting? Puh-lease. I have "impatience" tattooed across my forehead. I HATE waiting. I can't even express how much I do not like to wait for anything, much less something I want this badly.

4. What do you consider 'worthwhile ministry'? Are you like me and sometimes find yourself mistakenly thinking it has to be Big to be Important?

Worthwhile ministry? Everything is worthwhile and brings glory to God if we intend that it should. I haven't always thought that way and I have to admit it is more difficult to think that way about myself.

5. Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? If yes, what are yours? If no, here's a good one from Ephesians 4 Ministry. Will you take it and come back with a response? Knowing some of you like I already do, I can almost pick out what your gift is before you say it. I can't wait to see if I'm right!

Hmm... shepherding, exhortation, teaching & mercy... all within a point or two of each other. Would you believe that the absolute LAST thing I ever wanted to do was teach? Heh. God always has plans that are different from ours, doesn't He? I love teaching now, though I still find myself doing a mental double-take when I realize I'm actually helping other adults learn more about God.

Beautiful... BAH! :::sigh:::

What is your initial response when anyone suggests you are beautiful?
Ha! My first thought is, 'You're out of your mind, right?' Of course, right now the only person telling me I am beautiful is the very last person I want to hear those words from. My ex is laying it on thick and I can't even begin to describe how sick and disgusting it makes me feel... nor would I have enough time or space to explain it all.

Do you find you engage in a lot of negative 'self-talk'? How much of your thought life does this form of thinking consume?
I do. I'm getting better, but the things I have to say about myself are downright ugly sometimes. OK... if I talk to myself about my self (that sounds weird) at all, it is negative. I have been able to stray away from the topic of "me" when I'm thinking, and I don't let myself get as bad as I used to, but I know it is a problem. I have a couple decades plus of negative messages running through my brain. They are as comfortable (and as ugly) as those beat up, ripped up, worn-through-at-the-thighs flannel pj pants you've worn since Clinton was president. I live in these thoughts. I wake up with them, go to sleep with them and I seem to spend every free moment with them. But I am getting better. They aren't as comfortable any more. I argue with them (and myself). I pray about them. They don't have the draw they used to have. One of these days I'll cast them off and throw them away for good. Dear God, let that day come soon!!!

What is the most radical transformation you've witnessed in an individual after they were born again? It's okay to tell about your own!
I have to say my little girl. She still has her 8 year old moments (and boy are they doozies!). And recent events have stirred up some very dramatic behavior. But I can already see a huge change in her. She thinks about things more before doing them, and when she makes a mistake she makes it right as soon as possible. She has such a heart for scripture! Our interim pastor gave her this wonderful bible study book after she asked to be baptized. Its called I'm a Christian Now for younger children and it is excellent. She asks for it the moment she walks in the door from school and spends nearly an hour working on it and reading Scripture. She's so inspiring. She even takes her Bible to school every day and reads it during free reading time. I wish I had her devotion.

The imagery of being a City Girl has absolutely changed the way I perceive my worth before God. Does it yours? Will you receive this truth and let it boost your righteous confidence?
It kind of breaks my heart honestly. I'm not living like a "City Girl" and I dearly want to be...
Dear Lord, I am not living as though I am a daughter of the Most High King. I've spent so much time living among the peasants and I've only had a few glimpses of what itmeans to be royalty. Shower me with Your riches Lord, let me truly live like I'm Yours. Amen.

What have I gotten myself into?

So... while surfing blog-world I came across an online Bible study (ok, ok, so I came across it over a year late... but better late than never!). Wow. I love technology. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to do this so bear with me for any technical glitches.



Are there any circumstances or relationships in your life where you can see God has intentionally placed you to be a light for Him?
Maybe there is. To be honest, I am only now starting to think about it. I look at what recently happened with my daughters and I have to praise God that I am the person I am now instead of the person I was a couple of years ago. I can only pray that God will continue to use what has happened with my life for His glory... not just for my family, but for everyone God brings into my life.

Can you honestly describe yourself as a woman with a 'yes' in her spirit?
Not always. This is a problem I know I have. I am so rebellious - so selfish. I want to be used by God but when it comes to stepping outside my comfort zone I still hesitate; still resist. How frustrating it is... to know how Paul felt when he said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15). What I want with all my heart is to be a "yes" woman, but what I actually do is another issue entirely.

Are you in an emotionally and spiritually healthy place today?
I'm getting there. I am not where I should be, but I am making progress. Slow, painful, excruciating progress, but progress none-the-less.

If so, what will you do with your series of unrecurring events? Will you commit to ask for spiritual eyes to see opportunities to defend a weaker sister?
I have to say, the prospect scares and excites me at the same time. What if I screw up? What if I make things worse instead of better? Hmm... I think Moses had the same objections. Something to ponder and pray over.

If no, are you taking steps to seek out wise counsel from a sister you admire or perhaps a Christian counselor if needed? If not, will you resolve to do so?
Counseling... and lots of it. Like I said, I'm getting there - slowly. My counselor is a wonderful, strong Christian woman who I also happen to admire and look up to. When I don't have confidence in what Christ is doing in me, she does. Its nice to hear that from an objective source.

Lord, what have I gotten myself into with this study?