Quandries

I hope I didn't come off as bragging in my last post. I'm just so blown away that those girls were talking about me. I have a hard time seeing the positive in myself and those girls brought me to my knees in more ways than one.

Anyhoo.

Last week at work brought up some ethical and personal challenges (that is an understatement of epic proportions). In more and more workplaces it is becoming increasingly difficult in this world to balance our Christian values with the demands of our jobs.

It is far too easy to compromise in so many ways - sometimes we might be asked to do something illegal, and sometimes we might be asked to do something that is perfectly legal but horribly wrong. Sometimes we might be asked to do something that is, on the surface, neither but there's something niggling in the back of our mind that makes us uneasy. Sometimes the issue is black and white, and sometimes the lines are so nebulous that everything is grey.

Sometimes the issue has so many layers, and can be argued from so many angles that you don't know which way to turn.

And, while it's no excuse to violate our consciences, sometimes fear of losing our jobs in this economy overwhelms the cries of our spirit.

Have you ever faced an ethical quandry that threatened your job? Or had more shades of grey than black & white? How do you handle it when the situation is so unclear, or so complicated that there doesn't seem to be an easy answer?

All Buttoned Up

Last week was rough. The roughest I've had at work. EVER.

Every button that could be pushed was hammered - repeatedly. Then some of those same buttons got pushed in my personal life too. Every failing, every fear, every guilty feeling, every futile attempt to bury my hurts in all the wrong ways were shoved in my face.

And God showed me why.

One of my clients faced something heartbreaking and she turned to me because she thinks I am real - because she trusts me to care... because she knows I'm safe. She talked to me because she knew I wouldn't judge her, and knew I wouldn't try to brush her feelings under the carpet. And I thought... why me? What did I do to deserve her trust?

Another one of my clients graduated the program and she told me that no one else had ever told her it was ok to cry, or that she didn't have to be ashamed of her hurting. I told her once that she could take the power away from the people who have hurt her by using what she's been through to help others. She's decided that she's going to do whatever it takes to turn her life around so she can be a foster parent - so she can give children like her a home and be someone who shows them they are worthy of love... like I showed her. And I thought, is this me? Where did that come from?

I am humbled beyond words by these two girls. And when they saw me crying this week (different buttons), they both knew that they were more than just a job to me. And I thought, is this the why for my life? Is this when God redeems the years the locusts have eaten? Is this the moment when God shows me the good He's meant for me all along?

I'd have to say...
Yes.

Now, that isn't to say I didn't fall apart, or act a fool. That isn't to say that I handled it all well and in the most healthy way possible. And it isn't to say that I don't have miles to go on this journey. God will continue to challenge me - to press those buttons - until I give it all to Him.

And that's ok.
Because He has plans for me.

Letters to My First & Last

David,

My beloved gift from God.
You've been one miracle after another since you were born. Since before you were born. My tiny 2 pound baby with such old and wise eyes. Even when I was afraid I wouldn't get to see you grow up, I had so many dreams for you.

Yesterday, one of them came true. It was an honor and a privilege to watch you take those steps into the baptistry and make a public profession of faith. I know you were nervous about all those people watching you, but when the time came, you went boldly. That's who you are. You get nervous, you hang back, but when the time comes, you go boldly.

My prayer for you as you walk this journey of Christian faith is that you continue to go boldly. I also pray that you walk humbly. You have so many gifts that God can use for His Kingdom. Remember the One who gave them to you and honor Him with them. That's all He asks

"And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I love you,
Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sarah,

My little imp.

I love seeing that passionate delight sparkle in your eyes when you've found something you want to give your all to. I love how you commit and don't back down. And today, I love the committment you've made to our Savior.

You've thrown yourself into faith with as much fire and passion and delight as you possibly can, and you keep going. When you ran into Pastor Mark's office after he talked with David and said, "Paster Mark! Pastor Mark! I want to be a Christian too!" I felt my heart leap. When you told me later that you wanted to be baptized so people would know you are a Christian and you could tell them how much He loves them, I thanked God that He gave you to me. When you came home from school to tell me that you'd told one of the classroom bullies that you forgave him and Jesus could forgive him if he wanted, I was blown away.

I've learned so much from you about loving our God. You take the greatest commandment to heart:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

My prayer for you is that your passion never dims. Give Him your everything and people will see Him shining through you.

I am so proud of you,
Mom

The Cost of Caring

I have a love/hate relationship going on with my job right now. Not because the sheen is wearing off - it ISN'T!

But because it just hurts sometimes.

I love:

• Supporting change in children who have lost hope that anything can change.
• Going on outings and adventures.
• Participating in cultural experiences I couldn't ever hope for outside of work.
• Learning new skills from kids who are amazed to discover they have something to offer me.
• Working with a team of people who communicate and support each other.
• Being in a profession that makes a positive impact on my world.
• Watching kids graduate the program with a whole new future ahead of them.
• Seeing children society has given up on rise above their past to become contributing members of their community.

I hate:

• Knowing the reason most of the kids are in the program I work in.
• Talking to the parents who have hurt their children so much they resort to unsafe behaviors to cope.
• Listening to a child who thinks the only way to be good is to be hit.
• Putting children into holds for the safety of themselves and others.
• Knowing that, for some of these children, the only people who care about them are people who are paid to.
• Wanting to take a sobbing teenager into my arms and say "you aren't alone" and not having that freedom.
• Being unable to tell my clients - with words - about the True source of Hope for their broken lives.

I love my job but I hate seeing first-hand some of the worst a fallen world has to offer.

I love my job... but I hate that my job is necessary.

Master Plumber?

So... I've started and then deleted about a dozen posts over the last week or so. They were either more personal than I wanted to get or more petty than I had any business being... and I've been whining so much lately I can't stand myself.

And somewhere along the line I stopped talking to God. I can be stubborn to the point of stupid sometimes.

Take my plumbing problem(s):

It started out as a minor problem - my bathtub spigot was dripping. I've fixed problems like this before. No big deal. A couple cheap-o parts, a screwdriver and pair of channel lock pliers (like a wrench). Easy-peasy. Don't need any help.

Until, of course, I snapped off the entire thing. As in, mangled copper piping, replacing PIPES, not just parts. From there, the problems just got worse. But I can handle it. I don't need help.

***Let me pause for a moment to say that it is very important to me to try to fix things on my own. I've had an ex-husband tell me I was lazy and worthless and incompetent... and when he found out about this particular problem he tried to rush in and be the hero because I "can't handle something like this." Ahem. Being capable is a significant part of combating those messages. That said...***

I don't know if I can fix it - I think I can do the work, once I figure out how... but now that I've told the pastor and deacon (while hiding tears) that I needed to do it myself, I'm too stubborn to ask anyone how.

And wouldn't you know it... my spiritual struggles work much the same way. Something happens. It's minor. Easy peasy. I can fix it.

Only I can't.

And something SNAPS (usually me).

And I still insist that I can fix it... because I really really want to be able to do it on my own. And when things pile up and I finally admit to myself that I need help, I've dug myself a hole so deep I'm too ashamed to ask anyone - including God - to help me out of it.

Smart, huh?

Hmm... Do you think the Master Carpenter is a Master Plumber too?

Eight years ago....

I was dozing off with a tiny little miracle in my arms after a VERY long night. It never ceases to amaze me that women are able to set aside the pain and struggle and love on a new baby without a single thought to what came before. The second that child took his first breath and nestled into my arms the 21 hours of labor was gone in a flash. He was all there was.

My Jonathan. My gift of God. Happy Birthday little man!

Sometimes it strikes me that God's love for us is very much like that. It hurts Him when we are in sin, when we are in rebellion and are turned away from Him... and then He breathes our first real breath into us and we settle into His arms and He says that He forgets what came before. He doesn't count all of that pain we put Him through against us.

Isn't that amazing?

What do they call those thingies at the bottom of the screen that scroll past??

I have a running commentary going through my head. It never seems to stop, kind of like those scroll-things at the bottom of the TV screen.

I hate those.

If I'm actually taking the time to watch TV, it's because whatever I'm watching is interesting and significant to me in some way (even if it's just mindless fun in order to decompress). There I am, happily watching a show that is a few weeks old (thank you TiVo) and I am constantly distracted by things that have nothing to do with what I'm doing, and aren't true (at least not anymore).

Sounds like life.

I go about my daily business, trying to focus on the things that are important to me - work, kids, church, etc. - and my thinking is constantly being interrupted by this steady stream of irrelevant junk. Instead of being able to enjoy life, I'm distracted by unending jabber.

You're ugly. You're stupid. God doesn't really love you. You don't have any friends because no one can stand you. You're pathetic. If someone says they love you they're lying. You're worthless. You can't do this. No one loves you. If anyone thinks you have value, they're a fool. No wants you. You're all alone. You're a screw up. You can't be forgiven. You have no business thinking they care. You don't belong. You don't fit. You're fat. You're a loser. You're a dork. If anyone knew they'd never talk to you again. Everyone is secretly laughing at you. You're unloveable. Nobody cares. You're a coward. You're deluding yourself. You're a failure. Don't try. Don't open up. You don't deserve to be happy.

Neverending nastiness that just saps all joy, motivation and excitement from life. They keep me from paying attention to what really matters. These messages don't ever stop. Sometimes life has enough pull so I can ignore the scrolling thoughts, but most of the time it doesn't, so those thoughts are always there.

Scrolling across the bottom of my screen.

And since I can't turn them off, I guess I need to figure out how to replace them.

Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy—think about such things.