Carried to the Table

Another powerful song that hit me exactly where I needed it at exactly the time I needed it. I was at a Casting Crowns concert - one of the most amazing concerts I have ever experienced and the opening act sang this song that just reached into my heart and grabbed it tight. The song is Carried to the Table by Leeland. I have been moved to tears nearly every time I have heard it since... and here are the lyrics:

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

Amen and amen. Dear Lord, thank you for carrying me to Your table and making a place for me even though I have done nothing to deserve it.

Round and round we go...

I am so very tired.

I've spent the last month and a half in a rip-roaring pity party. Problem with pity parties though, is that everyone is invited but no one wants to come... and when no one comes, there isn't anyone there to help pick up the mess. It has been a very lonely past few weeks and I am exhausted - body, mind and spirit - with carrying all of this weight alone.

And feeling stupid because I don't have to. I know what I need to do, but I've gotten myself so wrapped up in self-loathing that I won't do it because I don't deserve to feel any comfort or peace.

Yes, God can take this away from me. He has in the past. I know He can do an amazing and wonderful work in my life. I know this. But I won't let Him.

Why is that? What kind of Christian am I? What is wrong with me??

And so it begins again. I can't win for losing.