I don't know if I'm angry or sad or ashamed, or a bitter mix of the three that sits in my stomach like battery acid.
You know, painful and fatal.
I am sick to death of being disordered.
I'm hurting and I just want it all to go away.
I want to curl up and hide... in my head, in the real world... in both. Does it really matter?
I'm not supposed to retreat inside my head... but do you have any idea how hard it is to stay present in the moment when the moment is pretty close to awful? When the smallest thing triggers a cascade of junk and nothing in reality feels safe?
I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing right now, it just isn't working the way I want it to... I mean, it's working because I'm safe and I have no intention of doing anything stupid, but it isn't making the nasty stuff go away. I'm just maintaining. Hanging on. Waiting out the storm while getting cold, tired and downright battered.
I know God has a plan for this... I know there's a reason... but right now it isn't comforting. At all. I have all sorts of willful and petulant things I could say about that, but I'll hold my proverbial tongue. I know this will pass, and I'll come out better and stronger and all those wonderful things... and today is not a day I'm capable of finding meaning in the pain. Not today.
This is for those who wait ~
Lifeflight
Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one
So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait
I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it
