When I was 19 years old, God grabbed 'hold of my heart in a powerful way. He put a very clear calling on my life and opened countless doors to make this new desire of my heart happen.
Then, somewhere along the way I turned God's plan into MY plan and things started going horribly wrong.
I met a guy (not my ex-husband). I liked him. He liked me. He was headed for full-time Christian ministry and he seemed to fit perfectly into "God's Plan" for my life (the plan I hijacked and made my own). God had given me everything else I wanted and I decided it was time He gave me a help-mate too. Ha!
It ended badly... so badly it changed everything in my life more dramatically than I realized.
I turned away from God. Oh sure, I paid lip-service. I went to church like I always had. I was good at going through the motions and I slipped back into that habit like sliding into my favorite worn-out robe. I did everything in the name of God and God's will without consulting Him at all.
I got involved with my ex, got pregnant and got married... starting an eight year long spiral away from Christ. A desert experience that took up nearly a third of my life. I screwed things up beyond all recognition and yet, here I stand - eleven years after that first powerful calling - having come full-circle and feeling that call again.
I can only stand in awe and wonder, looking to the Savior of my soul and my dreams, and praising Him for being a God of second chances.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
God Did It!!!
Somehow, some way, God managed to get me through school. I graduated on Saturday!!!
It is so surreal. I never thought this day would come. Is it bad to admit it kind of scares me to be done? Now I have to think about grad school and the real work is about to begin.
He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it... (Philippians 1:6)
I'm hangin' on to that promise, let me tell you! The only reason I have any confidence at all is because I know God has a plan for my life and I'm along for the ride!
It is so surreal. I never thought this day would come. Is it bad to admit it kind of scares me to be done? Now I have to think about grad school and the real work is about to begin.
He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it... (Philippians 1:6)
I'm hangin' on to that promise, let me tell you! The only reason I have any confidence at all is because I know God has a plan for my life and I'm along for the ride!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Slicing up my life...
I am a cutter.
By that, I do not mean that I take people's place in line, nor do I mean I employ scissors or fancy gizmos in some crafting extravaganza.
I am a cutter. An addict.
I am addicted to what is otherwise known as Self-Injurious Behavior. When I am unable or unwilling to cope with emotional upheaval in my life, or when I've torn myself down to a place of complete self-loathing I pull out a utility knife, razor blade or some other sharp implement and carve my pain into my skin.
I've hidden this reality from nearly every person in my life for almost 20 years - not easy to do when you are covered in scars. My ex-husband was blissfully ignorant and never noticed. I can count the number of people who know on one hand and have fingers left over.
It has been months (it may not seem like much, but there was a time when a week between cutting was a major accomplishment) and I would like to believe that through God's grace I have finally been freed from this bloody addiction. I know that He can free me and I am confident in His changing power. I am not, however, confident in my trust in that power. The only limits on God's ability to change my life are those I put on Him.
I am praying for lasting healing... would you pray with me too?
By that, I do not mean that I take people's place in line, nor do I mean I employ scissors or fancy gizmos in some crafting extravaganza.
I am a cutter. An addict.
I am addicted to what is otherwise known as Self-Injurious Behavior. When I am unable or unwilling to cope with emotional upheaval in my life, or when I've torn myself down to a place of complete self-loathing I pull out a utility knife, razor blade or some other sharp implement and carve my pain into my skin.
I've hidden this reality from nearly every person in my life for almost 20 years - not easy to do when you are covered in scars. My ex-husband was blissfully ignorant and never noticed. I can count the number of people who know on one hand and have fingers left over.
It has been months (it may not seem like much, but there was a time when a week between cutting was a major accomplishment) and I would like to believe that through God's grace I have finally been freed from this bloody addiction. I know that He can free me and I am confident in His changing power. I am not, however, confident in my trust in that power. The only limits on God's ability to change my life are those I put on Him.
I am praying for lasting healing... would you pray with me too?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Carried to the Table
Another powerful song that hit me exactly where I needed it at exactly the time I needed it. I was at a Casting Crowns concert - one of the most amazing concerts I have ever experienced and the opening act sang this song that just reached into my heart and grabbed it tight. The song is Carried to the Table by Leeland. I have been moved to tears nearly every time I have heard it since... and here are the lyrics:
Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
Amen and amen. Dear Lord, thank you for carrying me to Your table and making a place for me even though I have done nothing to deserve it.
Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
Amen and amen. Dear Lord, thank you for carrying me to Your table and making a place for me even though I have done nothing to deserve it.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Round and round we go...
I am so very tired.
I've spent the last month and a half in a rip-roaring pity party. Problem with pity parties though, is that everyone is invited but no one wants to come... and when no one comes, there isn't anyone there to help pick up the mess. It has been a very lonely past few weeks and I am exhausted - body, mind and spirit - with carrying all of this weight alone.
And feeling stupid because I don't have to. I know what I need to do, but I've gotten myself so wrapped up in self-loathing that I won't do it because I don't deserve to feel any comfort or peace.
Yes, God can take this away from me. He has in the past. I know He can do an amazing and wonderful work in my life. I know this. But I won't let Him.
Why is that? What kind of Christian am I? What is wrong with me??
And so it begins again. I can't win for losing.
I've spent the last month and a half in a rip-roaring pity party. Problem with pity parties though, is that everyone is invited but no one wants to come... and when no one comes, there isn't anyone there to help pick up the mess. It has been a very lonely past few weeks and I am exhausted - body, mind and spirit - with carrying all of this weight alone.
And feeling stupid because I don't have to. I know what I need to do, but I've gotten myself so wrapped up in self-loathing that I won't do it because I don't deserve to feel any comfort or peace.
Yes, God can take this away from me. He has in the past. I know He can do an amazing and wonderful work in my life. I know this. But I won't let Him.
Why is that? What kind of Christian am I? What is wrong with me??
And so it begins again. I can't win for losing.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A Time to Mourn...
Things have been rough. Three years ago last Thursday, my dad died from an aggressive form of cancer.
Although I was prepared for his death and had months to say good-bye, I never really had time to grieve. I let him go - I even told him that he had fought the good fight and finished the race and it was time for him to go get his crown in glory as he took his last breath - but letting him go home to the Father and healing all those empty places in my heart he left behind are two different things.
Now that I, for the first time in a long time, have some room to breathe, I've discovered I also have room to grieve. And it is hitting a lot harder than I ever expected. I thought I'd handled it so well.
I miss my Daddy. No matter what I did, my Dad always believed in me - always loved me. Even when I disappointed him, he would look at me and say, "Bethany, you're better than this. I know you're better and I know that when you get your head and heart right, you'll do better. I love you."
He also had confidence in me like no one else on this planet. He didn't just say I could do anything I set my mind to, he believed it. He knew I could do anything I wanted with my life. No one else in this world has ever had that kind of faith in me and there are days, like today, when I really really need someone to believe in me and I really miss him.
Although I was prepared for his death and had months to say good-bye, I never really had time to grieve. I let him go - I even told him that he had fought the good fight and finished the race and it was time for him to go get his crown in glory as he took his last breath - but letting him go home to the Father and healing all those empty places in my heart he left behind are two different things.
Now that I, for the first time in a long time, have some room to breathe, I've discovered I also have room to grieve. And it is hitting a lot harder than I ever expected. I thought I'd handled it so well.
I miss my Daddy. No matter what I did, my Dad always believed in me - always loved me. Even when I disappointed him, he would look at me and say, "Bethany, you're better than this. I know you're better and I know that when you get your head and heart right, you'll do better. I love you."
He also had confidence in me like no one else on this planet. He didn't just say I could do anything I set my mind to, he believed it. He knew I could do anything I wanted with my life. No one else in this world has ever had that kind of faith in me and there are days, like today, when I really really need someone to believe in me and I really miss him.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Gettin' Figgy
Luke 13:6 Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. 7 So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ 8 " ‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. 9 If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’ "
What is the purpose of the fig tree?
TO PRODUCE FIGS
Now, fig trees bloom and bear fruit before their leaves emerge and they generally produce six to seven crops of fruit per year, unlike most fruiting trees. So the Master wasn't missing out on three harvests of the sweet delicacy, he was missing out on twenty!
This little fig tree reaped all the benefits of life in the Master's vineyard - plenty of fresh air, rich soil, water, fertilizer and tending by an expert gardener. It soaked up everything it was given... and still did not bear figs. This little tree, the very symbol of prosperity, abundance and regeneration, used up everything it was given and produced nothing.
What is our purpose as Christians?
TO PRODUCE CHRISTIANS
We reap all the benefits of life with Christ - salvation through Christ, the Word of God, Christian fellowship, and access to the throne of grace. We soak up everything we are given and yet all too often, we produce nothing.
My friends, WE are the symbols of renewal and regeneration to this lost and dying world we live in. We are the very image of God and reflection of Christ. Our lives are meant to show the abundance of life in Jesus - our branches are meant to bear fruit.
The Master has a right to be angry with the fig tree. Look how much it has been given! Look at everything it has been offered. The Master only asks the tree for one thing - "Fulfil your purpose."
Are you fulfilling your purpose?
Now, lucky for the fig tree (and for us), the gardener says, "let me give this tree a little bit more. Let me dig up the dirt and mix in the stinky stuff that will help it grow. Give her one more year, one more chance before you cut her down." Hallelujah for God's grace and second chances!
As a Christian, your place in heaven is secure, but do you really want to stand before God without a harvest? Do you really want to explain to Him what you did, or didn't do with the gifts you were given?
Lord, I foolishly and arrogantly take Your gifts for granted. I take advantage of all the benefits of Christian life but I know I'm not producing the fruit you mean for me to produce. Forgive my selfishness and cultivate my heart
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Its been awhile...
A little over two weeks to be precise. Not a long time to most probably, but for me its been 16 very long tear-streaked, prayer-filled, God's-hand-is-working-mightily-in-my-life days. It feels like an eternity has passed by.
There were numerous trials but one in particular stands out. So here's the praise report:
Two weeks ago Monday I had to go to court because my landlord wanted to evict me. The "why" is a long story but it wasn't because of non-payment or some other kind of irresponsibility.
The landlord's attorney told me that there was no negotiation to be had and that they wanted us out A.S.A.P. I decided to ask for a hearing but I was basically told that cases like mine are virtually impossible to win. So I started looking for another home.
I prayed and prayed and yet I was being denied at place after place because my income was too low or because I was in a dispute with my landlord. Then there was the added burden that everything available was at least $200 more than I'm paying where I am. As a single mom with four kids, that's a huge chunk of money. The situation seemed absolutely impossible.
But not to God.
I got a phone call Friday - my landlord didn't want us to move and wanted to work something out!!
I couldn't fix it, but God could. I couldn't work things out, but God did! Yet again He shows me how His power is made perfect in my weakness.
It was a horrendous two weeks, everytime I turned around it seemed as though something else was being dropped on me... but I'm still here and maybe I'm even still standing. Our God is a truly AWESOME God!!
There were numerous trials but one in particular stands out. So here's the praise report:
Two weeks ago Monday I had to go to court because my landlord wanted to evict me. The "why" is a long story but it wasn't because of non-payment or some other kind of irresponsibility.
The landlord's attorney told me that there was no negotiation to be had and that they wanted us out A.S.A.P. I decided to ask for a hearing but I was basically told that cases like mine are virtually impossible to win. So I started looking for another home.
I prayed and prayed and yet I was being denied at place after place because my income was too low or because I was in a dispute with my landlord. Then there was the added burden that everything available was at least $200 more than I'm paying where I am. As a single mom with four kids, that's a huge chunk of money. The situation seemed absolutely impossible.
But not to God.
I got a phone call Friday - my landlord didn't want us to move and wanted to work something out!!
I couldn't fix it, but God could. I couldn't work things out, but God did! Yet again He shows me how His power is made perfect in my weakness.
It was a horrendous two weeks, everytime I turned around it seemed as though something else was being dropped on me... but I'm still here and maybe I'm even still standing. Our God is a truly AWESOME God!!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I need prayer...
I find myself in a very uncomfortable position... and I'm really struggling.
Without going into too much detail, the class I'm in and the topics we are studying are extremely significant to human nature and, in my opinion, important for ministry - however, I find myself working on an assignment that has put me in a position of spiritual vulnerability.
I have a history I'm not proud of, and a lot of shame regarding this particular topic. Researching for this presentation has not only opened the door to temptation, but also a pathway right back into the self-hate and self-destructive behavior I have worked so hard to overcome.
My learning team sat down to discuss our project and it took everything I had to maintain the outward appearance of calm detachment. I held myself together until I was halfway home when I had to pull over on the side of the freeway and be physically sick. I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe.
Perhaps I'm being melodramatic and perhaps I'm simply working myself into an unnecessary frenzy. I don't know.
All I know for sure is that I will not survive this class - academically, spiritually or otherwise - without a great deal of prayer.
Without going into too much detail, the class I'm in and the topics we are studying are extremely significant to human nature and, in my opinion, important for ministry - however, I find myself working on an assignment that has put me in a position of spiritual vulnerability.
I have a history I'm not proud of, and a lot of shame regarding this particular topic. Researching for this presentation has not only opened the door to temptation, but also a pathway right back into the self-hate and self-destructive behavior I have worked so hard to overcome.
My learning team sat down to discuss our project and it took everything I had to maintain the outward appearance of calm detachment. I held myself together until I was halfway home when I had to pull over on the side of the freeway and be physically sick. I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe.
Perhaps I'm being melodramatic and perhaps I'm simply working myself into an unnecessary frenzy. I don't know.
All I know for sure is that I will not survive this class - academically, spiritually or otherwise - without a great deal of prayer.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
How far....?
Today I was driving down the road on the way to class rocking out to my favorite Christian station (air1) and this song came on the radio. Before I was even consciously listening to the lyrics I had tears pouring down my face...
I struggle every day with forgiving myself for sins that God has long ago forgiven, and I struggle even more wondering (though I know better) if I'm going to screw up so badly that God will decide I'm not worth the effort after all.
I know these thoughts are false and I'm slowly getting to the point where I can rebuke them before I let them tear me apart or lead me into self-destructive behavior. Tonight I was well on my way down one of those dark spirals until this song spoke to me.
The song is East to West by Casting Crowns off their new album The Altar & The Door. You can hear it for yourself here: http://www.castingcrowns.com/main.php just hit play in the upper left corner.
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
in a sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
but by the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me
Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
Thank you Lord for Your servants who are willing to be Your hands, feet and voice and thank you for once again providing exactly what I need, when I need it. AMEN
I struggle every day with forgiving myself for sins that God has long ago forgiven, and I struggle even more wondering (though I know better) if I'm going to screw up so badly that God will decide I'm not worth the effort after all.
I know these thoughts are false and I'm slowly getting to the point where I can rebuke them before I let them tear me apart or lead me into self-destructive behavior. Tonight I was well on my way down one of those dark spirals until this song spoke to me.
The song is East to West by Casting Crowns off their new album The Altar & The Door. You can hear it for yourself here: http://www.castingcrowns.com/main.php just hit play in the upper left corner.
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
in a sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
but by the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me
Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
Thank you Lord for Your servants who are willing to be Your hands, feet and voice and thank you for once again providing exactly what I need, when I need it. AMEN
Monday, July 16, 2007
The morning after...
Why did I put that out there? What was I thinking?
Those were my thoughts when I woke up the morning after my last post. There are some elements of my past that many fellow Christians could never look past and I've had my fill of condemnation.
Then I realized that if I took it back and removed or edited the post I would essentially be making a liar out of myself.... I said it was worth it, and IT IS. Besides there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
God allowed me to walk the path I have, for better or for worse, for His glory. Like every other Child of God, I have a role to play in His Kingdom. I take great comfort in the fact that God does not need me to further His plans, but He wants me. He chose me and purposed my life to work for good.
Lord Jesus,
I'm getting there. This process of trusting in You and especially in Your forgiveness has been such a difficult one thus far. Thank-you for a glimpse of the Big Picture and my part in it. Be my strength as I walk this road of healing and help my keep my eyes on You. AMEN.
Those were my thoughts when I woke up the morning after my last post. There are some elements of my past that many fellow Christians could never look past and I've had my fill of condemnation.
Then I realized that if I took it back and removed or edited the post I would essentially be making a liar out of myself.... I said it was worth it, and IT IS. Besides there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
God allowed me to walk the path I have, for better or for worse, for His glory. Like every other Child of God, I have a role to play in His Kingdom. I take great comfort in the fact that God does not need me to further His plans, but He wants me. He chose me and purposed my life to work for good.
Lord Jesus,
I'm getting there. This process of trusting in You and especially in Your forgiveness has been such a difficult one thus far. Thank-you for a glimpse of the Big Picture and my part in it. Be my strength as I walk this road of healing and help my keep my eyes on You. AMEN.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What vs. Why
Most of us, when we experience some sort of tragedy, find ourselves asking God why. Why do we deserve this? Why now? Why ME?
What if we aren't meant to have an answer?...
What if the answer lies in a different question we should be asking God?...
What if we are intended to ask, "What can I learn from this?"...
What if the life lessons we gain from difficult experiences ARE the "why"?
I have to admit, it is a near-daily struggle for me to ask God what I can learn from any given situation. I want to wallow in the self-pity, I want to demand better treatment, I want to feel as though I somehow have the right to be immune from suffering. But we don't - and shouldn't - always get what we want.
I've heard it said that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. What if being sexually abused as a child, making selfish choices, burying a child, delivering a baby 12 weeks early, losing my daddy to cancer, being abused by my husband and watching my marriage crumble into tiny little pieces are all a part of that equipping?
What if each heartache is 100 times more valuable than each counseling course, Bible study and theology class I ever take?
Is it enough that being a survivor of childhood trauma or domestic violence may give me a voice to speak to someone who might not listen to anyone else? Is it enough that standing beside my daddy as he stepped out of this world and into heaven may provide me with a compelling reason for the hope that I have? Is it enough that making the fatal choice of abortion as a teenager or burying a child I never got to hold or standing by as my 2 pound baby struggled for each and every breath may allow me to speak for the unborn with conviction and compassion?
Is it enough to know that my experiences may make me uniquely suited to walk along side someone as they answer the Holy Spirit's call and come to faith in Christ?
Is it enough?
Yes, Lord, yes!
I may not always feel it, but I know in my heart that being used by God makes everything worth it.
What if we aren't meant to have an answer?...
What if the answer lies in a different question we should be asking God?...
What if we are intended to ask, "What can I learn from this?"...
What if the life lessons we gain from difficult experiences ARE the "why"?
I have to admit, it is a near-daily struggle for me to ask God what I can learn from any given situation. I want to wallow in the self-pity, I want to demand better treatment, I want to feel as though I somehow have the right to be immune from suffering. But we don't - and shouldn't - always get what we want.
I've heard it said that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. What if being sexually abused as a child, making selfish choices, burying a child, delivering a baby 12 weeks early, losing my daddy to cancer, being abused by my husband and watching my marriage crumble into tiny little pieces are all a part of that equipping?
What if each heartache is 100 times more valuable than each counseling course, Bible study and theology class I ever take?
Is it enough that being a survivor of childhood trauma or domestic violence may give me a voice to speak to someone who might not listen to anyone else? Is it enough that standing beside my daddy as he stepped out of this world and into heaven may provide me with a compelling reason for the hope that I have? Is it enough that making the fatal choice of abortion as a teenager or burying a child I never got to hold or standing by as my 2 pound baby struggled for each and every breath may allow me to speak for the unborn with conviction and compassion?
Is it enough to know that my experiences may make me uniquely suited to walk along side someone as they answer the Holy Spirit's call and come to faith in Christ?
Is it enough?
Yes, Lord, yes!
I may not always feel it, but I know in my heart that being used by God makes everything worth it.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
It hurts...
And I sinned in venting it. Sorry to all who read. As you can see the post has been removed.
People are talking about me and its ugly and I hate it, but I guess I became the person I didn't want to be by venting about it, even anonymously.
So anyway... I am sorry.
People are talking about me and its ugly and I hate it, but I guess I became the person I didn't want to be by venting about it, even anonymously.
So anyway... I am sorry.
Friday, July 6, 2007
T-minus 162 Days & Counting!!!
After a decade-long hiatus from persuing my college dream,
I am graduating in 162 days
(give or take a few hours!!! =)
Eleven years ago I felt God's call to go into Christian ministry/counseling and for a couple years I went along with it... Then I walked away from it because I wanted to be married more than I wanted to follow God. Going into this field meant I would have to go to Nineveh (going through counseling and facing my past). I did NOT want to do this so I boarded the first ship to Tarshish (the East Coast and my husband) and wound up in the belly of the whale (trial after trial) until God finally had the whale spit me out as a disgusting blob of regurgitated whale lunch a year and a half ago.
Now I'm in an accelerated degree program for my B.S. in Human Development and I graduate in December. I've come full circle and ended up right back in Nineveh where God wanted me in the first place. In fact, the two seminaries I was looking at for my grad work in Christian counseling the first time around are the front-runners for me this time around as well.
I have so much character work to do to get ready to answer this call from God, and I am more of a mess than when I started 11 years ago (you know, regurgitated whale lunch and all). But I guess that's the cost of running away from God rather than toward Him.
Now I'm in the middle of a healthy dose of Holy scrubbing and it hurts like the dickens but I like the person who's appearing out from underneath all the gunk.
Dear Lord,
I've related so well to Jonah throughout my life, please let this moment be where the similarities end. Give me a grateful heart instead of a begrudging one and help me face Nineveh with joy and willingness. Thank you for being a God of second chances and giving me the opportunity to walk this road again even though I once ran from it. AMEN.
I am graduating in 162 days
(give or take a few hours!!! =)
Eleven years ago I felt God's call to go into Christian ministry/counseling and for a couple years I went along with it... Then I walked away from it because I wanted to be married more than I wanted to follow God. Going into this field meant I would have to go to Nineveh (going through counseling and facing my past). I did NOT want to do this so I boarded the first ship to Tarshish (the East Coast and my husband) and wound up in the belly of the whale (trial after trial) until God finally had the whale spit me out as a disgusting blob of regurgitated whale lunch a year and a half ago.
Now I'm in an accelerated degree program for my B.S. in Human Development and I graduate in December. I've come full circle and ended up right back in Nineveh where God wanted me in the first place. In fact, the two seminaries I was looking at for my grad work in Christian counseling the first time around are the front-runners for me this time around as well.
I have so much character work to do to get ready to answer this call from God, and I am more of a mess than when I started 11 years ago (you know, regurgitated whale lunch and all). But I guess that's the cost of running away from God rather than toward Him.
Now I'm in the middle of a healthy dose of Holy scrubbing and it hurts like the dickens but I like the person who's appearing out from underneath all the gunk.
Dear Lord,
I've related so well to Jonah throughout my life, please let this moment be where the similarities end. Give me a grateful heart instead of a begrudging one and help me face Nineveh with joy and willingness. Thank you for being a God of second chances and giving me the opportunity to walk this road again even though I once ran from it. AMEN.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Fear & Freedom
Fear is a powerful thing. Sometimes it paralyzes us in the face of overwhelming circumstances. Sometimes it propels us to safety. Sometimes it pushes us to our knees before a Holy God.
Paul tells us that as Christians, we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of sonship. (Rom. 8:15) And typically, Christians assume that it means that fear is sinful and a sign of faithlessness.
Not so!
To be more precise, in the NIV, Paul tells us that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear. It is the slavery bit that is significant. A slave is, among other things, someone "entirely dominated by some influence or person."
There is only One thing that should dominate our lives, and He is a jealous God. He will not share his place with anyone or anything; including fear.
Fear guides us and directs us. It can point us toward safety and can point us toward God. It can lead us to options we might not otherwise consider.
However, we cannot let it rule us. It should compel us to seek God's will rather than run from it.
I didn't realize until recently how much I allow fear to rule my life. I don't say things that need to be said because I am afraid I'll make someone mad. I don't do things that need to be done because I am afraid of failure. I don't allow myself to truly heal from my past because I'm afraid of the unknown.
What a tragedy. I have the most powerful Being in the universe on my side and I choose not to do what I know is right because I am afraid.
Dear Lord, too often I let fear master my life and guide my steps. Help me remember I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Thank you for your Word, which reminds me I am free and only You can Master me. Amen.
Paul tells us that as Christians, we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of sonship. (Rom. 8:15) And typically, Christians assume that it means that fear is sinful and a sign of faithlessness.
Not so!
To be more precise, in the NIV, Paul tells us that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear. It is the slavery bit that is significant. A slave is, among other things, someone "entirely dominated by some influence or person."
There is only One thing that should dominate our lives, and He is a jealous God. He will not share his place with anyone or anything; including fear.
Fear guides us and directs us. It can point us toward safety and can point us toward God. It can lead us to options we might not otherwise consider.
However, we cannot let it rule us. It should compel us to seek God's will rather than run from it.
I didn't realize until recently how much I allow fear to rule my life. I don't say things that need to be said because I am afraid I'll make someone mad. I don't do things that need to be done because I am afraid of failure. I don't allow myself to truly heal from my past because I'm afraid of the unknown.
What a tragedy. I have the most powerful Being in the universe on my side and I choose not to do what I know is right because I am afraid.
Dear Lord, too often I let fear master my life and guide my steps. Help me remember I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Thank you for your Word, which reminds me I am free and only You can Master me. Amen.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
A Soapbox...
Every year over one and a half million women face abuse at the hands of their domestic partner. One in five will experience domestic violence at some point in her life. A third of all women will experience verbal abuse. Maybe you're thinking "that's so sad, but it doesn't happen in my community and certainly not in my church."
Think again.
Take a moment and look around you in church next Sunday. Someone you know, love and consider a sister in Christ might go home with a man who hurts her. She may be cursed at, threatened, raped or beaten by someone who sits in the same pew, sings the same hymns and reads the same Bible as you do. Look around and see the faces of the abused, and the abusers.
I was one of those faces.
Not only did my church not help me, they condemned me for being a victim. Obviously I needed to submit more. Obviously I needed to pray harder. Obviously I needed to be a better housekeeper, wife, mother, etc. Obviously there was some kind of sin in my life that was leading God to punish me through my husband. Obviously... NOT.
If you're reading this right now and you're in a violent relationship, let me make this very clear:
There is NOTHING you did to cause this.
You do NOT deserve it.
It is NOT God's plan for marriage.
Dear one, you are a precious and beloved Child of God and He weeps for you. Get help. Please.
If you are reading this right now and you think it could never happen in your church, among your friends, let me make this very clear:
Statistics say you're wrong.
Domestic violence is not confined to the poor, the addicted or the unchurched. It is not confined to those who are not saved. There are genuinely-Christian men who beat their wives.
Thankfully, God eventually led me to a church family that was willing to see my pain and do something about it. Not everyone is so blessed. There are more churches like my first than there are like my second and the Christian community should be ashamed.
We must call sin a sin and we must be willing to take a stand. We sit in our homes and our pews and pretend that domestic violence isn’t our problem. The reason Christian men continue to abuse and degrade their spouses is because we allow them to.
Unless we are willing to be a voice for the helpless within our own Body, it is impossible for us to be a voice for the helpless in the world.
If you want more information about how you can help, or if you are in a violent situation and don't know where to turn let me know. I don't have all the answers, but I can point you toward people who do.
Think again.
Take a moment and look around you in church next Sunday. Someone you know, love and consider a sister in Christ might go home with a man who hurts her. She may be cursed at, threatened, raped or beaten by someone who sits in the same pew, sings the same hymns and reads the same Bible as you do. Look around and see the faces of the abused, and the abusers.
I was one of those faces.
Not only did my church not help me, they condemned me for being a victim. Obviously I needed to submit more. Obviously I needed to pray harder. Obviously I needed to be a better housekeeper, wife, mother, etc. Obviously there was some kind of sin in my life that was leading God to punish me through my husband. Obviously... NOT.
If you're reading this right now and you're in a violent relationship, let me make this very clear:
There is NOTHING you did to cause this.
You do NOT deserve it.
It is NOT God's plan for marriage.
Dear one, you are a precious and beloved Child of God and He weeps for you. Get help. Please.
If you are reading this right now and you think it could never happen in your church, among your friends, let me make this very clear:
Statistics say you're wrong.
Domestic violence is not confined to the poor, the addicted or the unchurched. It is not confined to those who are not saved. There are genuinely-Christian men who beat their wives.
Thankfully, God eventually led me to a church family that was willing to see my pain and do something about it. Not everyone is so blessed. There are more churches like my first than there are like my second and the Christian community should be ashamed.
We must call sin a sin and we must be willing to take a stand. We sit in our homes and our pews and pretend that domestic violence isn’t our problem. The reason Christian men continue to abuse and degrade their spouses is because we allow them to.
Unless we are willing to be a voice for the helpless within our own Body, it is impossible for us to be a voice for the helpless in the world.
If you want more information about how you can help, or if you are in a violent situation and don't know where to turn let me know. I don't have all the answers, but I can point you toward people who do.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
The GREEN-eyed Monster
How can I possibly be jealous??
My soon-to-be-ex-husband cheated and treated me horribly. I have lasting physical and emotional scars. So why does it bother me so much when he makes a point of bringing his new girlfriend over?
You'd think I'd be happy, right?
I mean, for the first time in our almost two year separation he isn't pawing at me and backing me into a corner every time he comes to see the kids. This is a good thing. I was beginning to think I was never going to heal as long as he kept touching me and triggering memories. I should be happy.
And I am... but God help me... it just isn't fair.
I know, I know, life isn't fair. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen to good and bad people alike (hmmm... I may have just written about this!). But I firmly believe that I am not too old to throw a rip-roaring temper tantrum.
Why does he get to move on with his life when I'm still struggling to overcome the effects of our shattered marriage? Why does he get to enjoy a new relationship when I can't even begin to imagine letting any male near me with a ten-foot pole? As if any man would be interested in a 29 yr old divorcee wreck with four kids in tow! Not to mention I don't even want another relationship, I want the marriage I have (had, I guess) to be what God intends marriage to be! Is that too much to ask?
UGH! What is my problem??
Dear Lord,
Help me as I struggle with this jealousy. Help me to be content with the things I have because You have said You will never leave me nor forsake me. May I know in my soul that Your grace is sufficient for me and may I experience Your power made perfect in my weakness.
AMEN.
My soon-to-be-ex-husband cheated and treated me horribly. I have lasting physical and emotional scars. So why does it bother me so much when he makes a point of bringing his new girlfriend over?
You'd think I'd be happy, right?
I mean, for the first time in our almost two year separation he isn't pawing at me and backing me into a corner every time he comes to see the kids. This is a good thing. I was beginning to think I was never going to heal as long as he kept touching me and triggering memories. I should be happy.
And I am... but God help me... it just isn't fair.
I know, I know, life isn't fair. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen to good and bad people alike (hmmm... I may have just written about this!). But I firmly believe that I am not too old to throw a rip-roaring temper tantrum.
Why does he get to move on with his life when I'm still struggling to overcome the effects of our shattered marriage? Why does he get to enjoy a new relationship when I can't even begin to imagine letting any male near me with a ten-foot pole? As if any man would be interested in a 29 yr old divorcee wreck with four kids in tow! Not to mention I don't even want another relationship, I want the marriage I have (had, I guess) to be what God intends marriage to be! Is that too much to ask?
UGH! What is my problem??
Dear Lord,
Help me as I struggle with this jealousy. Help me to be content with the things I have because You have said You will never leave me nor forsake me. May I know in my soul that Your grace is sufficient for me and may I experience Your power made perfect in my weakness.
AMEN.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Bad things & Good People
Why do bad things happen to good people? It seems to be a universal question... along with "if there's a loving God, why did He allow [insert tragedy of the day]?" Its discouraging, isn't it? This endless stream of bad things happening all over the world... God must be so unfair, we say. God must not care.
But let's talk about fairness and justice for a minute. The wages of sin is death right? Physical death. Eternal death. We work REALLY hard at sinning sometimes... just look at what we've made of our world. Its no wonder we're reaping a whole lot of the death and misery our sin has sown.
Natural consequences. Its not punitive... its a simple if/then scenario. People who get terrible diseases and die aren't usually evil people getting their just deserts; they're simply people reaping the consequences of generations of humanity's disregard of God's laws. Life in a fallen world isn't peaches and cream or sugar and light.
God is a just God. And God laid out guidelines... simple ones really:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
For Adam and Eve: don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. How simple is that?? You've got a million trees in a beautiful Garden, and among that million there's just one you can't touch. How hard is that?
Hah! There isn't a single one of us who wouldn't have done the same thing Adam and Eve did. Not a one.
So tell me, how could it be justice if God said, "well, OK, since you're going to sin anyway, you all get a free pass, no one has to pay for it, go about your business. My rules don't matter afterall."? That's like letting a known murderer go free. What's truly ironic is that sometimes our society does just that. WE are not just, so how can we possibly hope to pass judgment on God?
We forget that sin, ALL sin, HURTS people. It hurts our friends, our families - it hurts people we will never know or meet. It hurts ourselves. It HURTS GOD. There is no victimless sin.
Justice says SOMEONE needs to pay for all that hurt we heap upon ourselves. Justice says that even though God made the rules, and it hurts Him to enforce them, He won't bend them or break them. Justice is hard. Justice is unforgiving. True Justice has no loopholes.
But God isn't only Just. God is Gracious. He said, "I gave mankind a simple task and you failed Me, but I've made a covenant with My people, and I will pay the price for your failures." Someone has to. So the one Being who had never tasted the forbidden fruit stood in the place of all of us who have.
The ONLY Being who doesn't deserve death for ANYTHING, died for EVERYONE.
So stop and think for a moment before you complain about God's injustice, ok? Be grateful that every particle of air you breathe, every molecule of your arm you use to take that forbidden fruit is held together by the God you are sinning against.
But let's talk about fairness and justice for a minute. The wages of sin is death right? Physical death. Eternal death. We work REALLY hard at sinning sometimes... just look at what we've made of our world. Its no wonder we're reaping a whole lot of the death and misery our sin has sown.
Natural consequences. Its not punitive... its a simple if/then scenario. People who get terrible diseases and die aren't usually evil people getting their just deserts; they're simply people reaping the consequences of generations of humanity's disregard of God's laws. Life in a fallen world isn't peaches and cream or sugar and light.
God is a just God. And God laid out guidelines... simple ones really:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
For Adam and Eve: don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge. How simple is that?? You've got a million trees in a beautiful Garden, and among that million there's just one you can't touch. How hard is that?
Hah! There isn't a single one of us who wouldn't have done the same thing Adam and Eve did. Not a one.
So tell me, how could it be justice if God said, "well, OK, since you're going to sin anyway, you all get a free pass, no one has to pay for it, go about your business. My rules don't matter afterall."? That's like letting a known murderer go free. What's truly ironic is that sometimes our society does just that. WE are not just, so how can we possibly hope to pass judgment on God?
We forget that sin, ALL sin, HURTS people. It hurts our friends, our families - it hurts people we will never know or meet. It hurts ourselves. It HURTS GOD. There is no victimless sin.
Justice says SOMEONE needs to pay for all that hurt we heap upon ourselves. Justice says that even though God made the rules, and it hurts Him to enforce them, He won't bend them or break them. Justice is hard. Justice is unforgiving. True Justice has no loopholes.
But God isn't only Just. God is Gracious. He said, "I gave mankind a simple task and you failed Me, but I've made a covenant with My people, and I will pay the price for your failures." Someone has to. So the one Being who had never tasted the forbidden fruit stood in the place of all of us who have.
The ONLY Being who doesn't deserve death for ANYTHING, died for EVERYONE.
So stop and think for a moment before you complain about God's injustice, ok? Be grateful that every particle of air you breathe, every molecule of your arm you use to take that forbidden fruit is held together by the God you are sinning against.
"For He made Him who knew no sin be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." 2 Corinthians 5:21
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Mirror Mirror
Have you ever looked in the mirror and been totally shocked by what you see there?
I'm not talking about bad hair days or black circles (I have so many of those they've ceased to be a shock). I'm talking about looking into the eyes of the person on the other side of the glass and discovering someone you don't recognize.
Sometimes the change is bad - you've fallen into sin or despair so consuming that it has warped your soul and the person you see is beaten and lost. You don't recognize her because it wasn't that long ago that you remember things were going along fine. Life was good. Sometimes you know why that changed - you lost someone or something precious - and sometimes you don't. There's a stranger looking out of your eyes and she's hurt so deeply you wonder if you will ever be "You" again.
Then there are the other times when the change is good - you are used to seeing a person worn out by the cares of life and all of a sudden, or maybe slowly over time, you see someone who is content, at peace, and dare you hope joyful? about life. Maybe for the first time in your life you like who you see. Maybe for the first time in your life you see that you are experiencing the "peace of God that transcends all understanding" (Phillipians 4:7) you've heard so much about. Amen!
I find myself in the latter category today and my heart bubbles over with praise. Life has been such a struggle for such a long time that on my weak days I find myself sure that things can never and will never be different. Yet here I am.
Despite my sin, despite my failings, despite my numerous imperfections, God scooped me up and held me in His arms and is working to make me a complete and perfect Child. I look in the mirror and I discover that the face I spent so much time hating is now so full of... potential. Oh! To be ready to be used by God!
I'm not talking about bad hair days or black circles (I have so many of those they've ceased to be a shock). I'm talking about looking into the eyes of the person on the other side of the glass and discovering someone you don't recognize.
Sometimes the change is bad - you've fallen into sin or despair so consuming that it has warped your soul and the person you see is beaten and lost. You don't recognize her because it wasn't that long ago that you remember things were going along fine. Life was good. Sometimes you know why that changed - you lost someone or something precious - and sometimes you don't. There's a stranger looking out of your eyes and she's hurt so deeply you wonder if you will ever be "You" again.
Then there are the other times when the change is good - you are used to seeing a person worn out by the cares of life and all of a sudden, or maybe slowly over time, you see someone who is content, at peace, and dare you hope joyful? about life. Maybe for the first time in your life you like who you see. Maybe for the first time in your life you see that you are experiencing the "peace of God that transcends all understanding" (Phillipians 4:7) you've heard so much about. Amen!
I find myself in the latter category today and my heart bubbles over with praise. Life has been such a struggle for such a long time that on my weak days I find myself sure that things can never and will never be different. Yet here I am.
Despite my sin, despite my failings, despite my numerous imperfections, God scooped me up and held me in His arms and is working to make me a complete and perfect Child. I look in the mirror and I discover that the face I spent so much time hating is now so full of... potential. Oh! To be ready to be used by God!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Testing... Testing... (James)1:2-3
People say, “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle,” usually accompanied by the implication that He sends you a trial and if you have enough faith you breeze through it and emerge victorious.
But life isn’t always like that. Sometimes you emerge from a trial scarred (and scared), beaten and holding on to your faith only by the thinnest of threads. What matters is that you hold on.
Sometimes you end up repeating “God is faithful” over and over; not out of a joyous expression of faith, but out of a desperate attempt to find that faith again. What matters is that you find it.
And sometimes you just scream, “LIAR!” at the top of your spiritual lungs because you feel like God has failed you and you know you’ve failed Him. What matters is He didn’t.
Truth is, it wouldn't be a TRIAL if it wasn't hard. Beth Moore says that when God asks you to do something hard, He is preparing you for something huge. Should be reassuring, right? But sometimes it just isn't.
Sometimes we find ourselves begging for scraps of bread rather than a huge feast because we can’t or won’t put out the effort needed to make the feast happen. Sometimes we choose to stay in our chains because removing them is hard work and as restricting as those chains are, at least they are easy because they are familiar.
Sometimes we are so tired of trying to do things on our own that we forget we were never meant to be alone in the first place.
God doesn't leave us to muck around in the mire of our lives alone. He comes to us Himself as the indwelling Spirit of God. He has promised to be our counselor, commander and comforter. God doesn't leave us or forsake us. We forsake Him.
We try to prepare the feast without the Master Chef. We try to break our chains without the Master Blacksmith.
Why? Why do we forget God’s promises? Why do we flounder? Why does God let us?
Perhaps because God wants us to surrender. REALLY surrender. He gave us a will and the freedom to choose and He has no intention of taking that will from us. He wants us to CHOOSE to let go and let Him lead. He wants us to CHOOSE to ask for His help.
And this surrendering of the will is never easy. It isn't meant to be. Yes, like a runner who trains and trains for a marathon, we can train our spirits so it is easier to surrender, but we can't make it easy. I don’t believe it ever should be. It is the struggle that strengthens us and gives us a faith that works.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2&3
I've grown plenty weary of trials lately. In the last three years I've watched my father die from the ravages of cancer, faced numerous financial difficulties, endured the physical consequences of my husband's infidelity, awakened buried memories of past hurts and devastating choices and I have had to accept the harsh reality that I was a victim of domestic violence.
I have found myself crying out against God and to God more than I ever dreamed possible. I have stumbled, slipped and been shoved head-first into circumstances I was sure would break me. Yet here I am.
God has been faithful even when I haven't. He has succeeded where I have failed. Somehow in all of this I have found the faith I thought was lost to me forever. All I had to do was ask. All I had to do was reach up and take the hand God had been offering all along.
But life isn’t always like that. Sometimes you emerge from a trial scarred (and scared), beaten and holding on to your faith only by the thinnest of threads. What matters is that you hold on.
Sometimes you end up repeating “God is faithful” over and over; not out of a joyous expression of faith, but out of a desperate attempt to find that faith again. What matters is that you find it.
And sometimes you just scream, “LIAR!” at the top of your spiritual lungs because you feel like God has failed you and you know you’ve failed Him. What matters is He didn’t.
Truth is, it wouldn't be a TRIAL if it wasn't hard. Beth Moore says that when God asks you to do something hard, He is preparing you for something huge. Should be reassuring, right? But sometimes it just isn't.
Sometimes we find ourselves begging for scraps of bread rather than a huge feast because we can’t or won’t put out the effort needed to make the feast happen. Sometimes we choose to stay in our chains because removing them is hard work and as restricting as those chains are, at least they are easy because they are familiar.
Sometimes we are so tired of trying to do things on our own that we forget we were never meant to be alone in the first place.
God doesn't leave us to muck around in the mire of our lives alone. He comes to us Himself as the indwelling Spirit of God. He has promised to be our counselor, commander and comforter. God doesn't leave us or forsake us. We forsake Him.
We try to prepare the feast without the Master Chef. We try to break our chains without the Master Blacksmith.
Why? Why do we forget God’s promises? Why do we flounder? Why does God let us?
Perhaps because God wants us to surrender. REALLY surrender. He gave us a will and the freedom to choose and He has no intention of taking that will from us. He wants us to CHOOSE to let go and let Him lead. He wants us to CHOOSE to ask for His help.
And this surrendering of the will is never easy. It isn't meant to be. Yes, like a runner who trains and trains for a marathon, we can train our spirits so it is easier to surrender, but we can't make it easy. I don’t believe it ever should be. It is the struggle that strengthens us and gives us a faith that works.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2&3
I've grown plenty weary of trials lately. In the last three years I've watched my father die from the ravages of cancer, faced numerous financial difficulties, endured the physical consequences of my husband's infidelity, awakened buried memories of past hurts and devastating choices and I have had to accept the harsh reality that I was a victim of domestic violence.
I have found myself crying out against God and to God more than I ever dreamed possible. I have stumbled, slipped and been shoved head-first into circumstances I was sure would break me. Yet here I am.
God has been faithful even when I haven't. He has succeeded where I have failed. Somehow in all of this I have found the faith I thought was lost to me forever. All I had to do was ask. All I had to do was reach up and take the hand God had been offering all along.
An introduction...
Hi and welcome to my blog. This isn't my first forray into blogdom but my previous attempts left me burned. I've wanted to come back for a long time, but I just haven't had it in me until now. There is something wholly terrifying and at the same time liberating in putting your life out in a public forum for all to read. It is my hope that I can share a little bit of myself with others, but most of all I hope to share the truth - about my life and about the One who has saved me. I have hid too long in darkness, half-truths and lies... it is time to be set free.
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