I am a cutter.
By that, I do not mean that I take people's place in line, nor do I mean I employ scissors or fancy gizmos in some crafting extravaganza.
I am a cutter. An addict.
I am addicted to what is otherwise known as Self-Injurious Behavior. When I am unable or unwilling to cope with emotional upheaval in my life, or when I've torn myself down to a place of complete self-loathing I pull out a utility knife, razor blade or some other sharp implement and carve my pain into my skin.
I've hidden this reality from nearly every person in my life for almost 20 years - not easy to do when you are covered in scars. My ex-husband was blissfully ignorant and never noticed. I can count the number of people who know on one hand and have fingers left over.
It has been months (it may not seem like much, but there was a time when a week between cutting was a major accomplishment) and I would like to believe that through God's grace I have finally been freed from this bloody addiction. I know that He can free me and I am confident in His changing power. I am not, however, confident in my trust in that power. The only limits on God's ability to change my life are those I put on Him.
I am praying for lasting healing... would you pray with me too?
2 comments:
I know this is an older post, but I will be praying for you still. An addiction like that must be difficult to overcome, and I will pray that you will have the strength to never do it again.
Xandra
I just recently found your blog and I started reading from the beginning and it seems like you are speaking to me...It is taking everything I have not to cry though the tears are there I won't let them fall (I am at work)...The lines I just read could have been written by me and I hope you are doing better. I have barely scratched the surface on my blog and I am a few years off of the cutting episodes but will eventually lay that out there as well....I am sorry this is so long! Hugs to you Bethany.
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