Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Don't Worry, Be Happy?



Philippians 4:6-9 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer
and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of
God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it
into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I used to be pretty disgruntled about the above verses (and by "used to" I mean last week, lol)... there is a lot of life to worry about! Especially when you reach parenthood. Don't be anxious?? Yeah right, God. You are asking the impossible.
I was pretty rebellious about it until I realized what these verses were really saying.
They aren't saying "you're a bad person if you let the future scare you." Instead, God uses them to tell us that He has given us everything we need to weather whatever storm life is throwing at us.
No matter how uncertain our future is, we have a God we can go to in prayer, and scripture we can read to be reassured of His promises, and visible proof in our own life and the lives of others that He can do the impossible... and we can find peace if we make use of those things.
It is a choice between allowing fear to use us, or allowing God to. Which will you choose?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Praying for Broken Legs


Lest you think I'm completely off my rocker (where did that phrase come from anyway??), allow me to explain:


The Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:3-6)
Then Jesus told them this parable: "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his
shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and
says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’

To explain further, it has often been said in ancient times that shepherds dealt with sheep who habitually ran away by breaking a leg and carrying them everywhere. Many speculate that the good shepherd in this parable probably did something similar for his wandering lamb.

Today I am praying for broken legs. Not mine - though the Lord knows I often need them. I can only hope my friend will forgive me for this prayer (you know who you are, I love you both, and this is the prayer God is leading me to but I am truly sorry if it hurts you). I'm not sure it is something she'd want me praying right now. If I were in her shoes I wouldn't want it, but it is my prayer none-the-less.

I'm praying for broken legs - and yes, literally if that is what it takes.

Someone who matters to me, and is loved by other someones who matter to me, is more than a little bit lost right now. It seems as though she's been wandering a bit for quite some time, but this is worse than it has been. I don't know that it is enough that the Lord brings her back. I think she needs to be broken.

There have been many times in my life where I've run off from God over and over again. Gently and lovingly the Spirit would lead me back, only to watch me run away again. At some point the Lord had to reach down and break my legs; He had to cripple me until I learned to trust Him enough to stay.

While part of me wouldn't wish brokenness on anyone, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those broken-legged times were the best that could have happened to me. It is better to be crippled and carried than it is to be running away. I could probably use a bit of brokenness myself right now.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the times you have broken me in order to bring me home. Thank you for keeping Your promise to be faithful even when we are not. Thank you for doing what it takes to keep us safe, even when it hurts. Lord, I wish this prodigal lamb would come back on her own. I wish she would come back to the arms of those who love her - but Lord, if she won't, please carry her back in Yours.
Amen.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Something else I've been busy with....

AMIGUMURI
(Japanese for little crocheted toys, or something like that)




These three are my favorites.

This froggy especially. I just love the way he turned out.


And, should any of you ask.... no, I can't share the patterns. I made them up as I was going along. =/ Though if you are a crocheter (is that a word) and are desparate to have the patterns, I can try to figure them out for you... or I'll just make a new one and keep track this time.





Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In case you were wondering what I've been up to lately....

SNOW, SNOW, & More SNOW (and a helping of ice too!)

My sweet god-daughter dug me a spot to park in this morning when I got home from work... last night I nearly got stuck trying to get out.




This is a car.... and our trash bin in the lower right corner



This is the lodge at work... I would have taken pictures of the gorgeous snow-covered trees but it was hazardous to be out taking pictures... branches and trees are falling everywhere. Power went out more times than I can count (Thank God for generators).


They say we're supposed to get more tonight and tomorrow.
Joy.



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Harsh!

Someone said something to me today.

Someone I respect and admire said something that anyone would interpret as harsh. It was stinging and unexpected. It hurt. It was the exact thing that needed to be said.

My first reaction was to beat myself up - she's right, I'm scum, it's my fault things are the way they are. My second reaction was to be madder then heck - she's supposed to be on my side, she had no right, how dare she?!.

Neither are productive.

But both led to the reaction I'm sure she intended: I started thinking.

Sometimes a verbal spanking is necessary when someone is acting like a spoiled-rotten child. Sometimes the harsh truth is the only thing that will break down the walls of self-pity and shake some sense into someone who is walking a dangerous road.

In the past couple of weeks I've been behaving like an idiot - reckless, foolish, immature and downright sinful. I was on the verge of some profoundly stupid choices but the details really aren't important. I was badly hurt but those details aren't important either.

Someone saw I was on my way to self-destruct and she said something.

Thank God for people like that.

More on what was said later... right now I have some more thinking (praying) to do.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thankful Thursday: Cash, cars and kidnapping!

I almost forgot!!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for:
  • gas at $1.75 per gallon! I never thought I'd see that price at the pumps again!
  • children who keep me humble - even if they sometimes also get me in trouble by telling their teacher I am a kidnapper... :::sigh:::
  • a friend who had her financial needs met in an unexpected way after she was faithful to tithe. Lord, why are we always so surprised when You work miracles in our lives? Teach me to expect You to do great things!
  • teachers who care enough about my children to call home if they come to school without a coat and who offer to help provide one. And thank You that my children go to school without coats because they are stubborn and refuse to wear them, not because they don't have one. A couple months ago that might not have been true.

Lord, You have blessed me and the people I love in so many ways,

AMEN

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Books! Books! Books!

While Donna at Way More Homemade does not profess to be a bookworm, I quickly gain that title everywhere I go. It took less than a week at work for people to realize I have a serious problem - I DEVOUR books.
I frequently go through at least 2 books during each 10 hour shift. Granted, they are mind-numbing rather than mind-building in nature... because I have to stay awake all night people! If I think too hard, I fall asleep. =)

So, when I get tagged for a MeMe about books, you'd think I'd have no problem, right? The directions are simple:

Grab the book closest to you and turn to page 56. Type out the 5th sentence and
a couple of sentences following.
And wouldn't you know it, there isn't a single grown-up book in reach! Instead of glimpse of my favorite murder mystery or fantasy novel or even something profound from a Christian author, you get Powerpuff Girls. Oy.
"Uugghh...uuuhhhh...aagghh!" It was the Professor! "Oh no!" cried Buttercup. "We
forgot about the Professor!"
And if you're one of my 4 readers... TAG! You're it!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Did you know?

My favorite Christmas song of all time is "Mary Did You Know?" It isn't your typical Christmas carol by any means, but it points us back to the very heart of this holy-day:


Jesus was born!... so He could die.

That Truth is the purpose behind the Christmas story.

Why have we bought into the commercial hype? Why is Christmas the "most wonderful time of the year" in the hearts of Christians and non-Christians alike? Why do we spend weeks preparing and hundreds of dollars shopping and hours cooking and decorating and cleaning and singing to celebrate a birth that would be meaningless without a death?

How much time do you spend every year for the day Christ was born? How much money? Do you spend even a tenth of that on the day Christ rose? What about the day He died? Do you put anywhere near as much energy into telling the world you celebrate the Resurrection?

The best holiday of all isn't Christmas. The best gift isn't found under any tree or in any store. The best party in Heaven is not on December 25th.

Did you know?


*That the amount of money five American families spend for one
day
of gift-giving would provide a lifetime of clean
water for an entire village in Africa?

*That you could send 33 Bibles to underground
house-churches in China for less than the cost of an Xbox?

*That more Christians are willing to pay for the
xbox than are willing to pay even a tenth of that amount to send the Word of God
to the lost?

*That a starving child could be fed for days for the cost
of a single string of Christmas lights? And could be fed
for over a month for the cost of the extra
electricity
required to power all the decorations?

*That Christians spend more money every year on Christmas
decorations
than they give in support of missonaries
both at home and abroad?

*That Christians spend more time every year trimming their
tree
and decking their halls than they do performing acts of
service
in their church or their community?


The list could go on. What does that say about us? What does that say about our focus? Our priorities? What does that say about our willingness to make sure people know that the baby lying in the manger is the Lamb of God?

Do YOU know?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I don' wanna!

I'm going to be thankful today if it kills me... even if I really don't want to be. Today is THE Thankful Thurday of all Thursdays. Today is the day we are supposed to pause and reflect on our lives and thank God in all things.

Kinda like Angie from Bring the Rain... today, when I should be thanking God in the good and in the bad....

I just DON' WANNA!

I don't feel thankful today, when my children are celebrating with their father, my mom is with her friends and I am essentially home alone to wallow in my pity-party funk.

And it isn't pretty... and I'm tired of funk (it kind of stinks). So I am going to be thankful if it kills me. I am going to be thankful for the things I don't want to thank God for... because it is those things that shape me and make me into the woman God wants me to be.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for my ex-husband. Without him I would never have learned to lean on You. Without him, I would have lived my life fooled into believing that I don't need You to get through each day. Lord, if You hadn't knocked my feet out from beneath me, I never would have learned how to kneel in prayer.

Thank you for the son I buried. Thank You for teaching me about loss and the value of each human life. Without Joshua, I wouldn't have David. Thank You for the tears that fall even now for a son I never got to hold. They have taught me compassion.

Thank You for the financial struggles of the last year. How would I have ever seen You work miracles in my life if I thought I was responsible for our financial security? Thank You for the long months of the unknown and for teaching me that I could survive it.

Thank You for the shame, guilt and hurt that have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. How can I, as a member of the body of Christ, minister to the lost, ashamed and hurting people of this world if had never felt their pain? How could I point them to You as the Redeemer, if I didn't have things that needed redeeming? Thank You for teaching me empathy.

Lord, thank You for each moment of my life when I have sunk into despair, only to have You reach down and lift me up again. Thank You for teaching me that there is nothing too big for my Abba Father; no monster too scary, no past unredeemable, no pain too impossible to heal.

Thank you Lord for being You... and for loving me.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Little Man

*pictures coming soon.

Dear Jonathan,

Baptism is a big first step on a long walk with Jesus. Sometimes that road will be bumpy and sometimes you might lose sight of the path and go your own way. But we serve a loving Father who will always guide you back to where you need to be.

Words cannot express how proud I am of you. I know that my job as your mom is to teach you about the world we live in and the God we serve - but more often than not, you teach me.

Today I watched you overcome one of your biggest fears so that you could obey God. I know it wasn't easy for you. I saw the nerves in your eyes - and then I saw them disappear. Today you reminded me that our God is bigger than anything we might be afraid of. I pray with all my heart that you continue to live your life with such boldness. Welcome to the family little brother!

Walk in grace little man, I love you.
Always & Forever, Mom.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

God hates divorce...

Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce, " says the LORD God of Israel.

And in approximately two weeks my divorce will be finalized. This is something I've wrangled with in earnest for the last three years. I walked into the courthouse yesterday and made sure every "i" was dotted and every "t" was crossed to bring a swift and sure close to this saga. I want to be done.

God hates divorce. It is messy and hurtful and the only reason He allows it at all is because of the hardness of human hearts. And I admit, my heart is hard - brittle and breaking, but hard as a rock. I can say it now, though I denied it for a long time - it would have taken an act of God for me to take him back.

Maybe I don't have enough faith that God can fix anything. Maybe I don't really believe God can heal all wounds. I don't know. What I do know is I want to close this chapter and move on.

You know what else I know? That oft-quoted verse from Malachi doesn't end there.
Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce, " says the LORD God of Israel."and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD
Almighty.


God hates divorce. God also hates the violence that infected my family. He hates every bruise, every drop of blood, every broken bone, every tear shed. He hates the fear my children and I lived with. He hates the broken trust. He hates the fear and abuse in my husband's past that taught him his fists were the way to deal with his family.

But He doesn't hate my husband. Sometimes, I used to wish He did. I wished that God would bring His full fury down on my husband's head and punish him - make him suffer. I had a right to feel that way, didn't I? But I don't want that anymore, because I don't hate him either. Maybe that's what forgiveness is about?

The verse ends this way:
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
Amen.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dear Lord... Thank You

*I don't know who started Thankful Thursdays, or I would credit them.

Dear Lord,
Thank-you for:
  • The changing of the seasons, which reminds me that life can't be lived without change, and that change is more good than bad.
  • Technology that allows me to connect with people I otherwise wouldn't know, or wouldn't know how to find again.
  • A job I enjoy that pays the bills without a lot of extra; so that I don't get so caught up in getting that I forget the One who gave it all to me.
  • A church family - no matter how dysfunctional it may be at times.
  • A pastor and his wife who are answers to all the prayers I had for my church, and to many prayers I didn't know I had until they came.
  • Four children who changed my life; even though I don't always see them as blessings, they truly are.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Blessed Nights, Hard Days, GREAT God

I apologize for my recent non-blogativeness. I'd like to say it was because I am busy (I am!) but that isn't the reason I haven't found a lot of time to write.

The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional - both good and bad.

First, I love my job. I actually turned down a job that paid better because, as I was sitting through training a couple of weeks ago, my heart just started screaming that here is where I am meant to be. I just about cried in the middle of training. Yeah.

Yes, graveyard is hard - especially with 10 hour shifts. Yes, I am still struggling to adjust my body to my new sleep/wake schedule. But I go to work just singing inside. It's like the Spirit is telling me that this is where He's been pointing me all along, and the joy in it is undescribable.

There are heartbreaks - the kids I work with have been abandoned by society until they come to us and they have been abused by the people who were supposed to protect them. And yes, they can be difficult, but I'm thriving on it.

Outside of work though, I'm feeling really lonely. I am having a hard time connecting with people. My roommate doesn't seem to want to talk to me unless she has to, and she used to be one of my dearest friends. I haven't had a real conversation with her for a long, long time. Living with her just makes that all the more obvious and painful.

Her daughter (20yo) and I are getting along really well but she's gone a lot doing young-person things that I never really had the opportunity to do. I have to admit I'm a little jealous.

I never thought I'd say this, but when she spends the night at a friend's house, I really miss her. My house is not a place I like to be, but her cooky weirdness makes it bearable.

And then there's my ex-husband. I have given that man the power to rip me away from my security as a cherished and adored heiress of God.

Last week, after well over a year and a half of his active pursuit of me, he told me he was in love with someone else and is moving on. Yipee? I should be happy, right? (Don't get me wrong, I am!) But why does he get to move on as though nothing happened? Why does he get to be with someone and be happy? Why is his life essentially untouched and undamaged by what he did to me?

I spent the week when I wasn't at work PROFOUNDLY unhappy. See, when the "wooing" stopped the gloves came off and he had some very ugly words for me - words that I'd been telling myself off and on for years.

Things like: It is my fault he hit me. Anyone would get violent with someone like me. I bring out the worst in people. He would never be violent with anyone else. I mean, what does it say about me if he never hurts this new woman? What does it say if I am the only person he ever loathed so much that he had to resort to violence?

I know that these messages are deceitful. I KNOW this, but they are so insidious, aren't they? And today, after a very dark and ugly week, I can live this.

But in that week, I was ready to give up on everything.

Yes, it was that bad.

That said, I serve and am loved by a truly awesome God. He's gently - and sometimes not so gently - clearing out the lies and reminding me of my inheritance. He's richly blessed me in so many ways and my heart is lighter and freer when I can remember to praise Him for everything He has done.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Life isn't fair...

If life were fair...
children wouldn't suffer for the sins of their parents... or be the target of those sins

If life were fair...
men, women and children would be free from abuse and misuse by those who have power over them

If life were fair...
people would die peacefully in their sleep from old age rather than from accident, disease or the acts of a fellow human being

If life were fair...

society would care for the hurting and helpless rather than throwing them away

If life were fair...
there wouldn't *be* any hurting or helpless

If life were fair...
justice truly would be swift, sure and the people who commit crimes would actually pay for them

If life were fair...
people would turn to Jesus and the cross rather than sex, drugs, booze and violence

If life were fair...
we would all be on that cross instead of Jesus

Life isn't fair...
but we serve the Great Physician who has an answer to all of life's unfairness - He took it all upon Himself and said, "I forgive you."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Please pray!

UPDATE:
Van is back up and running. It had a bad battery. Which was under warranty! Yahoo!

My knee is better (vicodin helps!). To answer the question:

I slipped on some leaves Thursday morning on the way to work and it twisted funny. It didn't really hurt, but it was kind of weak feeling. We had restraint and evasion training that day and there was a LOT of moving, twisting and turning. I was fine until I stopped moving, and then the next time I stood up it was kind of excruciating. Friday we had CPR and First Aid so I was on my knees on the floor for 5 hours. By Friday night my knee looked like a cantalope. But it seems better now.

Thank you for praying! ***

Quick prayer request...

I start work at 11pm Sunday night.
And I messed up my knee (if it isn't better, I can't work).
And my blasted van won't start (if it isn't fixed I can't get to work).

And it's pretty petulant of me, but is there a reason why something ALWAYS has to be going wrong? I mean, I finally get a job and things are looking up... then BOOM!

Grrrrr.

(Sorry God, I know I'm whining).

Thursday, November 6, 2008

VERY short

Job is going well... this week has been exhausting.

I'll be working with at-risk teens in a residential treatment facility. These kids have been through a lot and are acting out in all sorts of dangerous ways. Training has been mostly about averting crises and partly about what you do when crises can't be avoided (by crises I mean angry teenager throwing a chair at your head and threatening to kill you). It has been very physical and I'm tuckered.

So I don't have a lot to say. But I thank all of you for the job prayers over the last few months!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Trick or Treat!!



My darlin' brood enjoying our little Halloween tradition - Mommy driving herself crazy to make four fun and exciting costumes!

But hey, I spent $17 TOTAL! You almost can't get ONE store-bought costume for that amount anymore.



My oldest, the Happy Gnome. Totally his idea after he found a cornucopia at the dollar store and stuck it on his head as a hat!


My youngest, the too-cute-to-be-scary Scarecrow. She needed some prodding to decide on this one - because I was not about to do ANOTHER Disney Princess! (I know, mean mom, right?)


My Great Pumpkin - his choice (and I thanked him heartily for something easier than Batman! I really dislike doing "character" costumes!). The leaves on the bottom are hiding the word "Grimey" on the orange dollar-store laundry bag. =)



Now this costume (she's a tornado... please tell me you can see a tornado?) was my favorite this year! I love when I can think outside the box. It took me forever to figure out how I was going to make it work, but I loved the result - and most importantly, so did she!
Yes, I drive myself crazy doing it, but I really do enjoy it and my kids, for one night out of the year at least, think I'm the coolest mom ever for doing this for them. Who could ask for more?

One Eleven

In honor of my 111th post - I never was one for convention - I'm going to share some 111's with you.
  1. On 1/11 I was very very sick. I had "walking pneumonia" and spent every waking moment I wasn't at work in bed.
  2. On 11/1 I wasn't sick, but I stayed in bed all day anyway, curled up with a good book and my laptop.
  3. 111 minutes ago I was in bed asleep.
  4. At 1:11pm yesterday I was NOT in bed asleep. I was in a Leadership Team meeting about church budget. Wanna know where I would have preferred to be?
  5. At 1:11am yesterday (both of them) I was still awake. But at least I was in bed, right?
  6. 111 hours ago I was cleaning and waiting for my oldest three to get home from school
  7. 111 days ago I was wrestling with the concept of forgiveness - the day before, I posted this and the day after, I posted this.
  8. In 111 days we will have had a new president for a little over a month, my youngest will have been 6 for four days and my step-daughter turns 18.
  9. At 1:11pm today I will be in TRAINING for my NEW JOB - which I was too afraid to tell anyone about until now because I was terrified it would fall through (again).
  10. The first line of Psalm 11:1 says: In the LORD I take refuge.
  11. Psalm 111:10 says:
    The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise

AMEN

Monday, October 27, 2008

Random Shorts (not the clothes)

* I feel horrible. Allergy season is apparently in full swing for me and my body is NOT thrilled with me. Urg. Doesn't help that I seem to be one of the "blessed" few that get sick after the Flu Mist vax. I knew I should have gotten the shot instead.

* I have an interview tomorrow and another on Thursday. Do I think positively? Fatalistically? Apathetically? Enthusiastically? I just don't know. I do know I am struggling to be even slightly excited about it.

* I am sick of Campaign 2008. If I see one more nasty back-biting ad I might just scream (thank you Lord for TiVo and a roomate willing to pay for it!). And when did voting come down to choosing the candidate with the fewest deficiencies rather than the best man/woman for the job? I mean, seriously. Where are all the truly good guys? Reminds me of a line from The Second Coming by W.B. Yeats "The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

* My 7 yo is being baptized on November 23!!! He made a profession a few months ago, but he is terrified of being under water. Absolutely terrified - screaming-grabbing-nearly-drowning-Momma-in-the-swimming-pool terrified. A couple Sundays ago his desire to follow Jesus outweighed his fear of water and I am unbelievably proud (but can a momma still fret a little over her boy's anxiety as he takes this step? please? =).

* Have I mentioned that I LOVE M&M premiums? Well, I do. And the best part? They are sooooo good, but I can't eat more than 5 or 6 of them at a time. (You're probably thinking "why is this a good thing?") This means I'm satisfying my need for chocolate without making a total pig of myself. Always a bonus!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Nearly Missed It...


October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you've spent much time on my blog, chances are you know I left my husband because he was abusive.

I go through periods of talking about it and not talking about it. I go through seasons where it hits harder than others.

This is one of those seasons.

My husband attends my church and we have four children together. There is no avoiding him. I live in the house I was abused in. There's no avoiding it. Being at home all day, every day, certainly contributes to the problem. It was easier to feel strong when I wasn't utterly dependent on other people. (Yes, I know there's a spiritual lesson in this).

And yes, I'm dwelling. Grrr

Anyway.

When I started researching DV it surprised me how much I didn't know. I had been a victim, but I was still blind to the realities of abuse in the home. So in an attempt to educate, and in honor of the occasion, I'm reposting something from July '07:

Every year over one and a half million women face abuse at the hands of their domestic partner. One in five will experience domestic violence at some point in her life. A third of all women will experience verbal abuse. Maybe you're thinking "that's so sad, but it doesn't happen in my community and certainly not in my church."

Think again.

Take a moment and look around you in church next Sunday. Someone you know, love and consider a sister in Christ might go home with a man who hurts her. She may be cursed at, threatened, raped or beaten by someone who sits in the same pew, sings the same hymns and reads the same Bible as you do. Look around and see the faces of the abused, and the abusers.

I was one of those faces.

Not only did my church not help me, they condemned me for being a victim. Obviously I needed to submit more. Obviously I needed to pray harder. Obviously I needed to be a better housekeeper, wife, mother, etc. Obviously there was some kind of sin in my life that was leading God to punish me through my husband. Obviously... NOT.

If you're reading this right now and you're in a violent relationship, let me make this very clear:
There is NOTHING you did to cause this.
You do NOT deserve it.
It is NOT God's plan for marriage

Dear one, you are a precious and beloved Child of God and He weeps for you. Get help. Please.

If you are reading this right now and you think it could never happen in your church, among your friends, let me make this very clear:
Statistics say you're wrong.
Domestic violence is not confined to the poor, the addicted or the unchurched.
It is not confined to those who are not saved.
There are genuinely-Christian men who beat their wives.

Thankfully, God eventually led me to a church family that was willing to see my pain and do something about it. Not everyone is so blessed. There are more churches like my first than there are like my second and the Christian community should be ashamed.

We must call sin a sin and we must be willing to take a stand. We sit in our homes and our pews and pretend that domestic violence isn’t our problem. The reason Christian men continue to abuse and degrade their spouses is because we allow them to.

Unless we are willing to be a voice for the helpless within our own Body, it is impossible for us to be a voice for the helpless in the world.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Hayride Together with You!

Would you believe that I have never taken my children on a hayride? Ever? And that the only time I've been to a pumpkin patch with them was on a school field trip and an AWANA outing, both in the same year?

Well, I remedied that situation Saturday.... um... ok, my it might have been my mom's idea instead of mine, and I might have had to be persuaded...


But anyway!! We all went to an historic farm in Southwest Washington and went on a hayride, picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch, pet some stinky sweet goats and wound through a haybale maze.

My only disappointment was that I did not find something pumpkin to eat... or many things pumpkin. They were out of pumpkin pie! Can you believe that? OUT of pumpkin pie at a PUMPKIN patch. They were baking more, but we didn't have time to stay. =(



I have NEVER made it over half way through October without having a pumpkin pie, or a pumpkin shake, or pumpkin icecream, or pumpkin cheesecake, or pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies, or... well. You get my point.

I love Fall. I love everything about Fall. I love the cool, crisp temperatures, I love the whipping winds, I love the leaves scattered everywhere, I love the food, I love the drink (fresh, HOT apple cider anyone?), I even love the rain. It's my favorite season.




And the COLORS!

I just don't understand how anyone could deny God in the face of all of this splendor. A happy "accident"? I don't think so. And to those who think God is boring? Are you BLIND? My God is the author of vibrant color, of infinite diversity and of beauty and wonder. My God painted the world and everything in it.



We had a blast and there really wasn't a better way to spend my Saturday. I needed to be reminded of the wonder.

God has been teaching me a lot over the last few months, but sometimes the lessons take longer than they should to sink in. Sometimes I forget that I am not meant to wallow in boredom and misery during this waiting time. Instead I am meant to savor the things I have taken for granted.

I am meant to sit back and enjoy the hayride - God has a world of wonder waiting for me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fish, Bread and Miracles

If you've read my blog at all you know how hard this season of inactivity has been for me. This weekend, however, God ripped my focus away from self and on to the people we are all called to serve.

This past Saturday our church hosted our first ever food and clothes closet for the community. It was AMAZING!!

We're a small church and there were a number of people who wondered how successful we could be with our limited resourses. I have to admit, I wondered a bit myself. And I thought small.

But we serve a God who fed thousands with a few loaves of bread and fish. Our God doesn't ever think small.

The amount of clothing and food God brought in through our congregation was phenomenal. The number of people willing to help make this thing work was more than I ever expected. And God showed up.

It isn't in the number of people we were able to serve, or in the amount of food and clothing we were able to give away - in pure numbers 14 families totalling over 60 people might be disappointing to some. God showed up in the hearts of His people as we served the men, women and children in our community.

And even people who didn't have a need noticed. People in our community started bringingdonations and we were able to make connections that will allow our ministry to grow. Four families are interested in coming to church to learn more about the God we serve. One lady left us in tears that we would be so willing to serve her.

Can I just say...? It didn't feel like service. It was a JOY. I haven't had a more thrilling and amazing day ever. I could do this every day of my life and never get tired of seeing God think big in the hearts and lives of other people.

I don't have a lot right now. The state puts food on my table and my mom keeps the roof over my head. But I have Jesus. My life is filled to overflowing and I praise God for the opportunities He has given me to spill over into the lives of others.

Friday, October 10, 2008

God-directed Mail

A month ago, I commented on a post at Way More Homemade and won a Beth Moore booklet about discovering God's purpose for your life. It never came, and honestly, it slipped my mind.

And then I got a letter.

Inside it was a ripped up envelope addressed to me by Donna and a $20 bill.

The letter basically said this:
Dear Bethany,
Your envelope ended up in my box by mistake. I know I should have
returned it. I know I shouldn't have opened it. But I did. I was going to
throw the little book away, but I read it instead. Last Sunday I
found myself in church talking to Jesus for the first time since I was a little
girl. I know I should give your book back, but I'm attached to it. I hope the
$20 I sent will make up for it somehow and I hope you can forgive me.

I could be angry. I could be vengeful.

After all, opening mail that isn't addressed to you is a federal offense. And that booklet was MINE.

I could be...

If anyone in history has had the right to be angry at wrongs committed against him, it would be Joseph. His brothers threw him in a well and sold him into slavery in Egypt. He spent a number of his years in Egypt in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Oh yes, he had a right to be angry.

And who would have blamed him if he took his just revenge against his brothers when they showed up on his doorstep asking for food?

But instead, he tells them, "Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:19 & 20) He forgave them because he could see what God had done with a situation that looked to be evil in every way. He saw God's redemption.

My friends, we are in the life-saving business and it is our job to point out those moments where God turns evil into good - death into life. It is our responsibility to be an instrument of that redemption. Even if it inconveniences us. Even if it hurts us. Even if it prevents us from taking our just revenge against those who have sinned against us.

I could be angry. But I'm not.

I sent the money back - that booklet ended up exactly where it was meant to.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Secrets and Healing

I don't usually do "giveaway entry" posts. I don't know why, really, I just feel awkward about it. But this is different. Not because of the giveaway, but because of the passion this particular subject stirs up in my heart. Melinda explains the study best in her post. I can't even begin to express how valuable and necessary something like this is for our lost and dying world.



Abortion is the secret that no one wants to talk about. So many Christians view it as an unforgivable sin. Chief among them are those who have had one.

It is time for the church to step up and offer the healing hand of God. Because who better to be a voice for the unborn than those who know intimately the cost of ignoring them? Because God redeems even the ashes of abortion and uses them for His glory.

I don't want to think about where I would be if He didn't.

I have a secret - one I don't talk about in polite Christian circles, one I don't talk about at all really. I may have mentioned it in passing on my blog, but in "real life" I can count the number of people I've told on one hand and have fingers left over.

And that doesn't give my God the glory He's due, does it?

I've shared before about the life God gave to my oldest son, and to me. And to God be the glory for what He prevented me from doing! It is easier to talk about the miracles isn't it? To talk about the times when God intervened on our behalf and stopped us from jumping off a cliff head-long into disaster.

It is harder to talk about those things God allowed us to do, as He gave us over to our sin and rebellion.

I had an abortion. I was very young and very dumb and more than one life ended with that "choice." The person I was, and all the potential I might have had, died that day with my child. It is no exaggeration to say that God didn't save a dying soul when He made me His four years later - He brought the dead back to life.

The timing of this giveaway could not be more appropriate. October is a month of many anniversaries for me... birth, abortion and re-birth. To God be the glory, truly great things He hath done!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Tagged!

I got tagged (by Michelle V.)... and an award! Wow. There's a first for everything. =)


So... I posted the lovely picture, now I have to answer a few questions with one word answers and tag someone else.

where is your cell phone? pocket
where is your significant other? none
your hair color? mud
your mother? home?
your father? Home
your favorite thing? chocolate
your dream/goal? dunno
The room you're in? livingroom
your hobby? blogging
your fear? lots
where do you want to be in 6 years? elsewhere
where were you last night? home
what you're not? wealthy
one of your wish list items? job
the last thing you did? ate
what are you wearing? clothes
your TV? on
your pet? annoying
your computer? vital
your mood? blah
missing someone? yeah
your car? possessed
something you're not wearing but love to wear? pj's
favorite store? closed
your summer? long
love someone? family
your favorite color? brown
when is the last time you laughed? today
last time you cried? earlier
person I'm tagging? Amy Storms

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A New Look for Fall

Because I couldn't sleep... and because I was tired of looking at the blue and brown... I changed my look. HTML code is kinda fun to play with... in a frustrating, confusing sort of way. =) Enjoy! I'll be playing with it here and there so let me know if I do something really ugly. Heh.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Non-blogative Me

I haven't been very blogative lately (you know, the blogger's version of talkative). It isn't because I've been busy, though I truly wish it was. I've been thinking to myself: how many times can I whine about being unemployed before my four readers throw their hands up in disgust and move on? =)

There just isn't a whole lot going on in my life.

Well, OK, so maybe God is using this time to speak to me through the Bible Study our women's ministry is doing... and that, by itself, is a LOT. And I'd love to share it.

But God hasn't released me yet.

Because, let me be honest, I am too likely to write for my own affirmation and praise rather than for God's. And He's made it clear to me that He won't share His glory.

There is a reason for this season of inactivity and I am certain God will reveal it to me... when I am willing to sit down and listen.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A mother's foolishness


My oldest daughter says she wants to be a missionary. A lot of young children growing up in the church say that - and let's be honest, a lot of churches romanticize missions. Missionary work is often portrayed to our children as some kind of overseas adventure filled with Bible stories, kumbaya sing-a-longs and sweet-hearted natives. So her desire didn't really phase me. I thought I wanted to be a missionary once upon a time too.

Hmm...

We all know, or should, that the mission field is not a blissful adventure. Blessed, yes, but not blissful. A blogging friend of mine, Donna, has parents who are experiencing the reality of bringing the Gospel into all the world - a reality that is filled with opposition, persecution and hatred f0r the sake of Christ. Pray for them please?

I told myself that I just wanted to gently show my daughter that being a missionary wasn't what she thought it was.

What I really wanted was to keep my baby out of harm's way. Not *my* daugher.

Then who?

The men and women who risk their lives to bring truth to the lost are all someone's parents, children, brothers, sisters or friends. God calls, and they go.

So when I first heard about Donna's parents I told my daughter about them and about what was happening in South Asia and other areas around the world. Then we sat and prayed for them.

I talked about how scared they must be, and how scared their families at home must be.

And my daughter just looked at me.

"Mama," she said, "They don't have to be afraid."

What?

"They don't have to be afraid because they know Jesus. Even if God lets those people kill the missionaries, they don't have to be afraid because they are going to heaven. The people who are hurting them should be afraid because they don't know Jesus."

Oh, baby. Do you still want to be a missionary, even though it isn't always safe?

"Mama, Jesus wasn't safe either. I don't have to be afraid."

No baby, you don't have to be afraid. And neither do I.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

See the Burn and other tidbits of life...

*24 hours ago a HUGE fire started in a woodproducts warehouse less than a mile from my house and only a few blocks from the kids' school. We saw the flames from the highway on our way home from AWANA. They were easily 100 feet tall and the alarm had gone out only minutes before.

The fire is STILL burning. Most of what is on fire is this composite decking material that apparently burns really hot for a really long time. The warehouse is nearly 3 acres in size - yes, I said THREE ACRES - and the building material is stacked 30 feet high. That is a LOT of combustable stuff packed in a small space. Oh, and the stuff is putting off cyanide gas. Not a threat to the community, so we've been told, but a few of the kids at the school who live closest to the fire had some breathing/nausea/dizziness problems today and were sent home. Scary stuff.

*I just really don't know what God is doing with this job thing. Job hunting is so stinkin' frustrating. Even jobs it seemed I was guaranteed to get have fallen through. I know that God has a plan and that He will provide. I do know this. But I'm getting impatient to see that plan through. Have you ever wanted to say, "just hurry up already God!"?

*AWANA started last week at church. It is a mixed bag for me. I'm not officially helping, but I do help as needed since my kids are there and I don't want to waste gas to go back home for two hours. A couple years ago there was a LOT of drama over the AWANA program and it pretty much divided my church. It was ugly ugly ugly. I hesitated to send my kids back to the program because a lot of the drama was coming from our club leaders. Things are better, but I still hesitate a bit. These are my kids afterall...

*I am sick of living in a funk - of both the literal and spiritual sort. I am tired of being depressed. It is stupid and it sucks (pardon the language). And my house is a direct reflection of my state of mind - as in DISASTER. There are days when I've thought it would be easier to just strike a match and start over - sounds great.... other than the go-to-jail-and-still-be-responsible-for-the-mortgage part. And this emotional state is just annoying. I am annoying myself with all the whining I've been doing. It just has to stop. Yesterday.

*My ex-husband has been giving my contact information to people we knew when we lived in MD. I haven't talked to these people in years and I'm not thrilled about it. I mean, some of them I miss, and some of them were the same people who thought I just needed to submit more to stop the violence. These are not the voices I really need to be hearing from right now. And who knows what he's told them. I do not owe an explanation to anyone but God. (Let's hope I can stick to that).

*I went to the most FABULOUS restaurant last Sunday (thankfully on someone else's dime! =). It is called Marrakesh and it is a very ethnic moroccan establishment. I'll post pictures later. We sat almost on the floor on these surprisingly comfortable stools and ate a 5-course meal, had our hands washed with rose water and had a blast. The food was amazing, but the cultural experience was beyond belief. I haven't had that much fun in a very long time. I want to go back... they have belly dancers and we weren't there long enough to see them... if only I could afford it!

*My dear blogging friend Amy Beth has been hit left and right lately. She followed God's leading and now heads up a fantabulous girls' ministry called Starlite in her local area public schools. From all her reports it has had an amazing start this year. And someone doesn't like it because AB is getting hammered personally and professionally on a scale that no 24 year old should have to face. Thank God she doesn't have to face it alone. Could you pray for her please? She has become dear to my heart. A year ago, I didn't put a whole lot of stock in spiritual warfare... my mind has been changed.

That's it for now... I have nothing profound to share today =) Blessings all!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Be careful what you pray for...


...because you just might get it.

Like if you ask God to close the door on something if it isn't His will - and it SLAMS shut in your face.

Because, as awesome as it is to hear from God in such a clear manner... the "in your face" part kind of hurts. Maybe even broke something.

As I'm sure most of my 4 readers are aware, I'm job-hunting. I've actually been on the hunt since the beginning of May, knowing that my temporary position with the School dist. was coming to an end. I have had ZILCH in the way of luck finding a job.

Things are a bit desperate.

A week ago, I was offered a job. The manager just had to work out a schedule. Only, it was looking like I would have to work Sunday mornings, at least for a while... "to get my foot in the door."

I felt sick about it. I have a committment to Sunday School and my four kids are watching every move I make.

I know, I know, lots of Christian people work on Sundays and I was desperate. I mean, I've been living off the generosity of my mother for heaven's sake! Talk about a blow to the pride. (Yes, yes, pride is a stronghold... moving on).

I didn't want to be in the position of refusing a job that I need so badly. Especially since there are no other prospects on the horizon. So all of last week, as I was waiting for the manager to call me with a schedule, I prayed something a little like this:

Lord, You know my needs and You know the needs of my family. I know You
have a job in mind for me that will meet those needs and will bring You glory.
If this job isn't it, please close the doors.



:::SLAM!:::

On Friday evening, I could swear the heavens echoed with a resounding crack. My ears were certainly ringing. And boy does it hurt.

You know, there was a part of me that wasn't entirely sure He would do it. Guess God showed me, huh?

Unfortunately, the fallout of the closed door may be much worse than I bargained for. I have to make some phone calls today to find out how bad it really is. I am half-terrified this may mean God is slamming the doors shut on grad school and a future in counseling as well. I don't know yet.

Update: No one seems to know why the door closed - but it isn't something that will have long-lasting effects - so it is entirely a God thing. Back to the hunt I go.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Have we forgotten?



Seven years seems like such a long time, doesn't it?

Seven years ago I lived in Maryland, just 20 minutes from D.C.

My youngest son is seven years old. He was just over nine weeks old when I woke up that morning and turned on the TV.

I NEVER watched the news that early in the morning.

And there was Peter Jennings, just seconds after the first plane struck the north tower, speculating about a tragic airplane crash... thinking it was an accident.

Until, as he was speaking, the live feed showed another plane plow into the south tower. I sat, stunned, as I watched the towers burn, watched as reports came in saying there was an explosion at the Pentagon, watched as the towers collapsed. I watched in horror as they showed video of people jumping from impossible heights to escape burning buildings. And, as news of the crash of United 93 broke, I prayed that our military hadn't been forced to make the terrible choice of shooting down a passenger plane.

At some point I called my parents in Oregon. My dad answered the phone, groggy because I'd woke them up and I said, "Turn on the TV Daddy, we're under attack."

The world turned upside down. I looked down at my two month old son and I wondered how much of life he would get to live. I looked at my older two children, 2 1/2 and 19 months old, and wondered what kind of future they would have. I wondered things that had never crossed my mind before that morning - things I would never have believed possible on the day before our world changed.

Over the next few months, I saw the best and worst in people. I saw people going out of their way to help others in whatever way possible. And I saw people exhibiting the ugliness of racism.

I sat in a women's retreat in October and listened to devout Christian women spew hatred and suggest that every Arab-American should be placed indefinitely in internment camps "for the safety of Americans."

Umm... they ARE Americans. In fact, the majority of Muslims in our country aren't ethnically Arabic. And the majority of people in the US who are ethnically Arabic are actually Christians who came here to escape persecution in the Middle East. But enough of that soap box.

Our world has changed irrevocably and there is very little in our daily lives that isn't touched by the events of seven years ago.

But people forget.

Just like Israel forgot.

Just like Christians seem to forget.

Even though we've experienced something earth-shattering and life-changing... We grumble and complain at the "restrictions" that have been put on us. Even though they are for our benefit - for our safety.

As Americans we chafe at the neck to thread barefoot through checkpoints at the airport or face extra security at the bank. It is all so inconvenient.

We forget that seven years ago 19 men stole or fabricated identities, made use of American dollars and American technologies, and with nothing more than box cutters brought our entire nation to a screeching halt.

As Christians we complain about the "rules" and rebel against the things we should do. We watch the TV we want to watch, no matter how much it corrupts our conscience. We eat and shop where we want to, no matter how many sinful practices our dollars support. We throw our time, our votes and our money away without regard to the consequences.

Because taking the moral high ground is inconvenient. Because we've forgotten.

We've forgotten the lives lost to bring the Gospel to us across oceans and centuries. We've forgotten the spiritual danger we are in - and the souls that are lost because of sin and the powers of this present darkness. We have forgotten that the very things we rebel against are those things that keep our spirits filled with the Spirit and free of Satan's control.

My friends, we have it easy, and like Israel of old, when we have it easy we forget how much this "easy" has cost. Remember the price.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

366

11 - my age when I first started hurting myself. I was 15 when I started using a blade.

77 - the number of visible scars left on my body. Every one of them has a story and today I wouldn't trade them for the world.

1,000+ - the number of scars that have faded over time. Too bad it isn't that easy for the scars on the inside.

36 - the longest number of days I'd ever gone without some kind of self-injury. Until...

366 - the number of days since the last time I cut (leap year).

Countless - the number of times my Almighty Father has picked me up from the brink of disaster to provide the comfort and peace that cutting never could.

I serve a truly AWESOME God!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

A perfect quandary...

In five days I will be speaking at a Women's Breakfast. Me. The socially inept chick who travelled 1,500 miles a few weeks ago and fell apart at the the thought of talking to anyone.

I know, weird, huh?

Of course, there will only be about 20-30 women there... (thank the Lord!) so no pressure, right?

Uh huh.

I knew I was in for it the moment I heard that tiny whisper in my ear that said, "Tell her you'll do it."

A few months ago I called my friend to chat about some personal things in our lives and during that conversation we started talking about the women's ministry and the upcoming breakfasts. My friend organizes most of the women's activities and she mentioned having someone for July and August but no one lined up yet for September.

And before I even knew what I was doing... "I'll do it." To be quickly followed by "I'll be speaking on perfection."

Perfection?

Ok. Where did that come from??

From God, of course. :::sigh::: Is this ever going to get any easier? I like to be in control. I like knowing what I'm doing. I... am whining. :::double sigh:::

I have the topic, I have the verses, I have my Strong's concordance and plenty of research. And I still feel woefully UNprepared. I've done dozens of presentations over the last few years for school... but this isn't an academic presentation, and everytime I try to make it into one the Spirit puts up a brick wall.

I don't get nervous. I like to have any presentation written out word-for-word, even though I memorize 99.9% of them anyway. I like to know every point I'm going to make and have the timing down perfectly. (I was also a drama geek). I am very picky about the delivery.

But I'm blocked. Seriously. I go to write it out and I can't seem to get more than a word or two on paper.

Because the Holy Spirit keeps telling me to speak from my heart, not from my head. And that just doesn't fit my perfectionist nature.

Which is ironic since I'm speaking about perfection - redefining it, to be exact. I'll let you know how it goes... and where, specifically the Spirit leads.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Listen to the sound...

...of Silence.
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him; to the one who seeks Him, it
is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
(Lamentations 3:25&26)

Silence has a few meanings for me this week.

First, I am enjoying blessed quiet at home. Today was my youngest child's first day at Kindergarten (speaking of, I better hurry this post up so I can pick her up from the bus stop). Honestly, I almost feel a little guilty for not being more upset that my baby is growing up. But I accepted that months ago, and after the rough summer we had, I am glad to see them all in school. Of course, if I were working, I wouldn't be enjoying this silence, so it is a bit of a mixed bag for me.

Second, I haven't written in the last few days. Seems to me I am suffering from blogger block. I have a million and one things running through my head but no matter how hard I try, I just can't get them to come off my fingers and onto the computer screen. So... silence in the blogiverse too.

Third, I've been "enjoying" silence with God. Not His silence exactly, but mine. I've recently gotten the impression that God is saying, "Bethany! Sit down and shut up." Because, I've been doing a lot of talking lately... and a whole lot of complaining. So, in my quiet times with God, I am truly being quiet. And this silence is deafening.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Genetics

We have new genetics in Jesus. This is something Beth said in San Antonio and it has gotten me thinking about what it really means to be new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).

How many of us have had powerful conversion experiences, only to return to the status quo a few months or years down the road?

Maybe we've added church and Christian music and a few church-related activities to our daily lives - or maybe football or T-ball or soccer are more important that gathering together to worship.

Maybe we've changed the places we spend our time, the television we watch and the things we choose to talk about - or maybe we've traded gossip about co-workers with gossip about fellow Christians.

And maybe we've overcome powerful addictions or walked away from destructive relationships or been pulled out of terrifying circumstances... But outward appearances and changes aside, we still wallow in self-destruction and self-pity.

When the things of this world are more important than the things of God, we are in chains. When we live a life that is no different from the world around us, we are in chains. When we change "big sins" like promiscuity for the hidden sins such as self-loathing...

We are still in chains.

And by "we" I mean I. I know that I often find myself settling back in to my chains with thoughts of;

"I can't help what has happened to me."

or, "This is just the way I was made."

or, "Nothing is ever really going to change."

What? WHAT?!?

Everything in the world has changed!!

Eleven years, eleven months and eleven days ago (wow! weird how that worked out!) God swooped me up out of the death of sin to claim me as His.

To change my genetics and re-write my identity.

To redeem my past, inhabit my present and guarantee my future.

Why do I keep putting that old self back on? Why do I keep wearing an identity that isn't mine anymore?

Why do you?

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's Morning

You're probably thinking "duh" or maybe "It isn't morning here anymore."

Think metaphorically with me here for a moment.

I've had my night, now I'm claiming my morning. (See Psalm 30:5 if you still need a hint). I need a morning.

But... umm... couldn't I please sleep in?

School starts for my munchlets in four days. For the first time since I've had kids in school, I didn't go school clothes shopping, didn't buy school supplies and didn't help them pick out shoes and backpacks. My mom did though. Thank you God for my mom!

It stings a little, but I'm grateful all the same.

Even if I had the money, in my current state of mind I am quite certain that at least one of us would not come back from a trip to Wal-mart in one piece. Four kids in Wal-mart when I'm already stressed = recipe for disaster or dismemberment.

I'm kidding about the dismemberment (I think).

It kind of puts things in perspective when the thought of doing something I used to look forward to every year (I have a thing for school supplies) filled me with dread. I am (was?) in trouble.

I let things go for way too long.

I'm just going to have to take this one day - one night and one morning - at a time. Sometimes it's hard to remember that morning will come.

But it always does. And always will until the Lord comes again.

I met with my pastor and his wife last night. I can't thank God enough for what He did in bringing them to our church. They are wonderful people and as a couple they are too cute (it would almost be revolting if it wasn't so genuine) for words. And people prayed for me. People who wouldn't know me from Eve if it weren't for the blogiverse. Technology is such a powerful tool, isn't it?

I wish I could say "Today is a new day and I feel STUPENDOUS!!" But, I can't. And seriously, wouldn't I seem a little schitzoid if I did?

What I do feel is tired. But not in a bad way. Just tired. And maybe even "OK."

Fetus Friday ~ It's Momma Time!


::::Duh-nuh-nunuh-nun-nuh-nun-nuh Can't touch this!:::: Ok. So I just dated myself.


Mommy-time: Something that every mommy desperately needs and few mommies are willing to take.


TAKE IT.


You are not Super Mom and let me tell you right now, she's is a myth. You will not do everything perfect every moment of your child's life. You will not be able to juggle a dozen things without dropping a few occasionally (and yes, sometimes it might even be the baby!). You do not have to (and likely won't) be fulfilled entirely by motherhood.


Because, you wanna know what success is for a mother? Success is working yourself out of a job by the time your child reaches adulthood. There is life after kids and if you don't hold on to some of who you are now, you'll be lost when your kid(s) go to school or leave home.


You need to still be YOU. There is only one Being in this universe you should lose yourself completely to, and your baby is not Him.


There isn't a mother out there who doesn't need to take some time to rest and rejuvenate and be herself. And you know what? The best moms I've ever known have all made time to do things that are just for them. They kept some hobbies, they made time for themselves, they showed their children that they were people who had needs and dreams and identities apart from motherhood.


And their children? Secure. Happy. Respectful. INVOLVED human beings who love their mothers for who they are, not for what they do. And they not only respect their moms, they respect themselves.


If you don't respect yourself, your child(ren) will NEVER respect you. I learned that lesson the hard way and three years later, I'm still working on it. Because you can't be constantly filling others up if you don't take the time to be refilled yourself. You can't lift others up if you've let yourself become worn down.


Babies are needy. God made them that way for their survival. If you're breastfeeding, they need you. God designed that too. And logistically, that neediness can make it hard to get away. But please, make the time.


At first, you may only get an hour at a time. Believe me, an hour of mommy-time will feel like heaven after a day of diapers, nursing, rocking and walking. When someone offers you a few moments alone (assuming they're trustworthy), TAKE IT. Enjoy it. And if that mommy-guilt creeps in, ignore it.


You'll be a better woman and a better mom for it.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Tired & Fettered

I am angry.

Angry like I've never been before. It has been building up slowly over the last two or three months but it still feels as though it has come out of nowhere.

And I don't even know why I'm angry.

Angry at my ex? Certainly. Angry at myself? Most definitely. Angry at God? Possibly.

And yes, I know that it is no mistake that this consuming anger comes right at a time when God is speaking to me about deep-seated problems in my life. I know that it is as deliberate as my appointment with God in San Antonio.

And you know what? I am SICK of this.

There's work to be done and I can't do it when I keep tripping over my own chains.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!

I am tired of knowing I'm going the direction God is leading only to be slammed with doubt and insecurity. I am tired of being debilitated by fear that I am not worth anything to anyone and have nothing to offer.

By all that is Holy! Even if I have nothing of my own life to give, I HAVE CHRIST TO OFFER!!!

How can I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt and still allow my feelings to run away with me??

In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I cut myself. And over the last two months it has been more of a temptation than the whole rest of the year. The worst came my first night in San Antonio when I fell to pieces.

I am NOT giving up that VICTORY from God! He has done an amazing miracle in me and I am not letting that go over some stupid anger and ridiculous self-destructive insecurity! And it INFURIATES me that it has come to this. Fighting for these last 14 days.

I don't want to fight.

I am sooo tired God. Everytime I think 'I can't handle anything more,' something more comes. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so angry because every time I turn around, something else in my life falls apart. I feel useless because I can't support my children and worthless because I'm unemployed. I feel stupid because I keep falling for cheap manipulations. I feel WEAK because my life is such a mess that I need to ask for help. Lord, I haven't a clue what I'm doing. But You do. So Lord, please, take it. Because I can't.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I am an Heiress?

I hesitate to even write about the Siesta Fiesta because it seems as though my experience was so far removed from everyone else's. See, I didn't really have "fun."

I mentioned a meltdown - let me tell you right now that I was completely debilitated by terror. I cannot even begin to describe how difficult it was to even go in to the arena and sit down. And I don't know what scared me most - being completely alone and having no one to talk to or being surrounded by people who might want to talk to me.

No. Most assuredly NOT fun.

But a deliberate, purposeful and NECESSARY act of God? Absolutely. After all, I am an heir of God; my life is not left to chance.

It was a CHOICE encounter.


I could have sworn Beth's message was meant for me - despite everything (which I may or may not get into later) it was no mistake or accident that I was in San Antonio to hear God speak through Beth Moore.

Those spiritual 2x4s were swinging left and right and every single one of them hit their mark. But that phrase above...
I swear, it was like a punch to the gut. Beth said that and I literally gasped as though the wind had been knocked out of me.
Because, in a way it had.
I walk around every single day of my life wrapped up in insecurity. Is that anyway for an heiress to live?
No it isn't.
And through the words of a beautiful and dynamic spiritual POWERHOUSE, God told me He's had enough. Time to claim my inheritance.
Ouch. My head is still ringing.

San Antonio Recap Video & Siesta Fiesta Picture

I will write a recap later... I am exhausted right now.

I tried to embed the video and it didn't work so... to see the larger sized version, click here. You can also see it on the LPM blog.

And this is the "small" (I just have to laugh at that) group picture that I happened to be in with Beth, Amanda, Melissa, Travis and Kelly Minter and Vicki Courtney... and as a bonus, Lisa McKay (The Preacher's Wife) who, all weekend long, I was too shy to introduce myself to (more on that later).

Friday, August 22, 2008

So I made it...


I made it!!

I had a bit of drama when I got to my motel - "armpit" is an UNDERexaggeration. But I got over it. I had some more drama driving around downtown San Antonio. And even more when I spent three hours walking through the RiverCenter mall by myself.
I wanted to go home.
I got over that too.
See, the real problem is, this whole trip is entirely outside my comfort zone. Going to a new place, surrounded by people I don't know... The unfamiliar frightens me and I had a meltdown. And because I'm 1,500 miles away from everything I know and love (I actually REALLY miss my kids) I was terrifyingly alone. I had no one to reach out to.
Except God.
So I spent the bulk of my awake time over the last 24 hours praying to the God that will never leave me or forsake me, even if I am 1,500 miles from home.
I'm never far away from Him.

I'm never alone.

Pretty wonderful, isn't it?

Oh, and can I just say that our Creator God has a stupendous imagination? I flew over the Grand Canyon yesterday. It looks amazing from the air - when you can see for miles and still not see all of it. Our God is an awesome God.


Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.
The whole earth is filled with His Glory.
(Isaiah 6:3)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Lean On Me

There's a song my mom used to sing when I was a child that I haven't thought about for a while. It came back to me today. I don't know who wrote the song or where it came from, or even if there are any verses. But here it is:
Lean on Me
When you have no strength to stand
When you feel you're going under
Hold tighter to My hand.
Lean on Me
When your heart begins to bleed
When you look and find I'm all you have
You'll find I'm all you need.

If I have had any lesson to learn recently it is that Christ is sufficient to meet all my needs. To be honest, this is a lesson I've struggled with for most of my life.

I know that I have a lot of emotional ups and downs and I seem to be in such a funk these past few weeks. Worry really takes its toll... and it is so pointless.

It does feel, sometimes, as though I am on the verge of drowning. But at the same time, I know I am always only a whisper away from the help my Savior has to offer.

I have so much more I want to say, but the words are failing me tonight. And sitting up really really hurts (stupid shingles!).

Oh, and in about 32 hours I will be getting on a plane on my way to the Siesta Fiesta... Wow!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

WordRiot Clue #1 - Roofing Tiles

I mentioned how un-fun my camping trip was... aside from the dreadful heat and the out-of-control kids, I was also plagued with an excruciating reaction to a whole host of bug bites.

Only they weren't bug bites.

They started itching about a week ago. Before that, I was having weird shooting pains in my side, but I thought it was just some muscle twitching from doing a major clean-up of my house.

I was wrong on both counts.

It appears that I have shingles. AT THIRTY!!
Shingles is caused by the varicella-zoster virus, the same virus that causes
chickenpox. After you've had chickenpox, the virus lies inactive (dormant) in
your nerves. Years later, the virus may reactivate as shingles. ~ MayoClinic

I know that I whine and complain a lot. But honestly, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I mean, I had a 9 1/2 pound baby at home, on purpose, for pete's sake!

So when I say "excruciating"? Well, I mean it is the absolute WORST pain I have felt aside from the partially unmedicated root canal I had about 4 years ago (won't terrify you with the details).

And there isn't a whole lot that can be done.

Ibuprofen, topical treatments, time. Maybe. All because it never occurred to me to spend a small fortune to see a doctor for "bug bites."

So when I was hot and miserable and yelling at my kids... perhaps they weren't as bad as I thought and I need to do some apologizing (again).

Thankfully, I'm not exactly contagious unless I'm around someone who has never had CP. And even so, if I keep my skin covered (its on my abdomen so no real problem there) and don't scratch I can go to the Siesta Fiesta without worries. But it might be a little less fun.

Urg.