I am angry.
Angry like I've never been before. It has been building up slowly over the last two or three months but it still feels as though it has come out of nowhere.
And I don't even know why I'm angry.
Angry at my ex? Certainly. Angry at myself? Most definitely. Angry at God? Possibly.
And yes, I know that it is no mistake that this consuming anger comes right at a time when God is speaking to me about deep-seated problems in my life. I know that it is as deliberate as my appointment with God in San Antonio.
And you know what? I am SICK of this.
There's work to be done and I can't do it when I keep tripping over my own chains.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!
I am tired of knowing I'm going the direction God is leading only to be slammed with doubt and insecurity. I am tired of being debilitated by fear that I am not worth anything to anyone and have nothing to offer.
By all that is Holy! Even if I have nothing of my own life to give, I HAVE CHRIST TO OFFER!!!
How can I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt and still allow my feelings to run away with me??
In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I cut myself. And over the last two months it has been more of a temptation than the whole rest of the year. The worst came my first night in San Antonio when I fell to pieces.
I am NOT giving up that VICTORY from God! He has done an amazing miracle in me and I am not letting that go over some stupid anger and ridiculous self-destructive insecurity! And it INFURIATES me that it has come to this. Fighting for these last 14 days.
I don't want to fight.
I am sooo tired God. Everytime I think 'I can't handle anything more,' something more comes. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so angry because every time I turn around, something else in my life falls apart. I feel useless because I can't support my children and worthless because I'm unemployed. I feel stupid because I keep falling for cheap manipulations. I feel WEAK because my life is such a mess that I need to ask for help. Lord, I haven't a clue what I'm doing. But You do. So Lord, please, take it. Because I can't.
10 comments:
Bethany,
I'm praying for you! Something Beth said this weekend really struck me hard (well a lot of things did, but this one was really an audible "whack" of the 2x4). She said that she and Melissa talk all the time about how they don't understand why so many people live in defeat and stay in addictions and strongholds when they have the power of Christ in them. My first reaction was to get offended because she was standing on my toes and I didn't like it! She went on to say that we have the power of Christ in us but we have to stand up and receive it and believe it!
I'm not there yet, but He and I are working on it. It was one of those tough lessons for me to hear that I can't blame it on anything or anyone else when I have the power of Christ in me and all I need to do is believe it and receive it!
As a fellow struggler I'm praying for you!
Blessings
Michelle
Praying for you, Bethany. God knows your heart and He is the healer.
Keep fighting the good fight, girl. You are assured the victory.
Bethany, I read your sincere comment on my blog and thought I would pop over to encourage you. I don't know you or your story, but after reading this post, I just wanted to tell you that I am cheering you on sister. I loved your line about "tripping over your own chains." That was powerful. Mercy, I've been there. Beth's been there, I can assure you, and most every other Christian I know.
You sound like a wonderful mama and I want you to claim that, okay? You are not walking this road alone. God is the God of "enough." He alone is sufficient. He will get you through this. The victory has been won. You, my dear, are in fact, an heiress. But someone out there is mighty ticked off that you are beginning to accept that title! I recognize warfare when I see it--I remember the fiery darts of insecurity and fear and I am living proof that they don't have to be a permanent fixture in your life! Brighter days lie ahead, sweet friend. Stop by on occasion and let me know how you're doing.
Oh sweetie! My heart just broke for you when I read this post. You are not worthless...you are an heiress. You love your children and you are a BEAUTIFUL child of God. When you feel like you want to give in to that addiction, you just remember that in addition to the fact that God loves you and is in control, I love you!
I will be continuing to be praying for you and lifting you up to the only One who can hold you through this.
Xandra
Bethany,
I left you a voice message, and I am praying so hard for you. Please please, read everyone's comments over and over again, until you feel God speaking to you through us. We are here for you. I wish more than anything else that I could come fight this battle for you. You are my child now, and I do not like to see my babies hurt. Like Vicki said, someone is not happy that you brought home a Word and a new truth about yourself. You are an Heiress of God, my girl, and our Father don't do garbage. Look at what you did this past weekend, you flew from Oregon to Texas, stayed in a fea bag motel, walked into a place so huge, it made you sick to your stomach. Sat in a seat, let a crazy lady hug your neck and talk your ear off, and heard God speak directly to you. Now if that's not love I don't know what is. God planned this whole weekend just for you, He did let about 9,999 others tag along, but the weekend was just for you, because He loves you, and wanted to encourage you. Don't doubt for a minute that the enemy was not waiting for you to get home so he could do his best to steal your Word from God, cause he was, sadly that's part of his job. Pick up the weapons that God gave you this past weekend, and tell the enemy to get himself off your lot! Because where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM!!!
I love you girl, and know this, that if you can not believe in yourself. Believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God believes in you. He gave His only Son for you, and if you were the only one that ever accepted Christ as your Savior, you were worth the cost.
Sallye
Bethany,
I ask Rusty if we could come get you, and he said "grab the keys and let's go get our babies". I know that's not possible, but know if we could we would.
Sallye
Hi,
I just ran across your blog this week and I wanted to say how much I admire your honesty. Our circumstances are different but I could have almost written this post. I have felt defeated and angry for awhile now and I just wanted you to know that I would be saying a prayer for you.
Hugs, Lyndy
Bethany -
I read this yesterday and I have been considering how to respond. I hated to respond without really thinking about it. And the thing that i keep coming back to is "your life is not left to chance." I agree with all the other comments here... but here's one from my own experience. I had to become absolutely sick and tired of where I was in life before things began to change. And I tell you... you do have such a victory. God has already defeated Satan. But, girl, believe that He is going to make that devil so sorry he ever messed with you.
I am praying like crazy for you this morning. I'm reading Psalm 37 right now. "Inherit" is in there twice. I'm praying vs 11 over you right now, "The meek will in herit the land and enjoy great peace." Praying that incredible peace for you sister.
Bethany:
I am praying for THE PEACE of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST to flow through you. It seems you stated something that more than a few are experiencing...and in the word we are told to think it not strange the fiery trials that you are facing...
Hold on, Trust God. the enemy is a liar...Jesus said He will not leave nor forsake you...Remember when Jesus was tempted He responding by the Word of God...I know that at times it is difficult to impossible...but with do whatever you can To PRAISE the LORD -read the psalms and proverbs...lift up your voice and praise God...It sounds like you are someone who knows that God can handle your anger...so take it to Him...go reason together with Him...HE LOVES YOU...I don't understand the whys and hows of what God allows...but I do know that He has a plan for your life and that plan is for good...Hold on to Jesus with all your might...know that He is Holding on to you...He Loves you...God is faithful...you say you feel weak...remember that in our weakness He is Strong...God Loves you...as I type this I am so impressed with How much God loves you and how much He wants you to know this...He Loves you!
Be Blessed,
In His Love,
Debrah
Bethany
Siesta, Sister in Christ, and friend-
You are not alone- All of your questions, and anger we have all had. The reassurance we have in this life is that the word promises,Hebrew 13:5- I will never leave thee or forsake thee.
Do you know what that means?
The voices, the doubts, the fears they are not of God. They are to keep us right where "he" wants us, controlled only by our feelings. Though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.(Psalm 23:4) David prayed this prayer because of the fear he was experiencing in his life.
You are not alone-Siesta- call on us when those fears seemed to envelope you!
May the grace and PEACE of Our LOrd be with you!
Your Siesta-
Angie
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