I don' wanna!

I'm going to be thankful today if it kills me... even if I really don't want to be. Today is THE Thankful Thurday of all Thursdays. Today is the day we are supposed to pause and reflect on our lives and thank God in all things.

Kinda like Angie from Bring the Rain... today, when I should be thanking God in the good and in the bad....

I just DON' WANNA!

I don't feel thankful today, when my children are celebrating with their father, my mom is with her friends and I am essentially home alone to wallow in my pity-party funk.

And it isn't pretty... and I'm tired of funk (it kind of stinks). So I am going to be thankful if it kills me. I am going to be thankful for the things I don't want to thank God for... because it is those things that shape me and make me into the woman God wants me to be.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for my ex-husband. Without him I would never have learned to lean on You. Without him, I would have lived my life fooled into believing that I don't need You to get through each day. Lord, if You hadn't knocked my feet out from beneath me, I never would have learned how to kneel in prayer.

Thank you for the son I buried. Thank You for teaching me about loss and the value of each human life. Without Joshua, I wouldn't have David. Thank You for the tears that fall even now for a son I never got to hold. They have taught me compassion.

Thank You for the financial struggles of the last year. How would I have ever seen You work miracles in my life if I thought I was responsible for our financial security? Thank You for the long months of the unknown and for teaching me that I could survive it.

Thank You for the shame, guilt and hurt that have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. How can I, as a member of the body of Christ, minister to the lost, ashamed and hurting people of this world if had never felt their pain? How could I point them to You as the Redeemer, if I didn't have things that needed redeeming? Thank You for teaching me empathy.

Lord, thank You for each moment of my life when I have sunk into despair, only to have You reach down and lift me up again. Thank You for teaching me that there is nothing too big for my Abba Father; no monster too scary, no past unredeemable, no pain too impossible to heal.

Thank you Lord for being You... and for loving me.

My Little Man

*pictures coming soon.

Dear Jonathan,

Baptism is a big first step on a long walk with Jesus. Sometimes that road will be bumpy and sometimes you might lose sight of the path and go your own way. But we serve a loving Father who will always guide you back to where you need to be.

Words cannot express how proud I am of you. I know that my job as your mom is to teach you about the world we live in and the God we serve - but more often than not, you teach me.

Today I watched you overcome one of your biggest fears so that you could obey God. I know it wasn't easy for you. I saw the nerves in your eyes - and then I saw them disappear. Today you reminded me that our God is bigger than anything we might be afraid of. I pray with all my heart that you continue to live your life with such boldness. Welcome to the family little brother!

Walk in grace little man, I love you.
Always & Forever, Mom.

God hates divorce...

Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce, " says the LORD God of Israel.

And in approximately two weeks my divorce will be finalized. This is something I've wrangled with in earnest for the last three years. I walked into the courthouse yesterday and made sure every "i" was dotted and every "t" was crossed to bring a swift and sure close to this saga. I want to be done.

God hates divorce. It is messy and hurtful and the only reason He allows it at all is because of the hardness of human hearts. And I admit, my heart is hard - brittle and breaking, but hard as a rock. I can say it now, though I denied it for a long time - it would have taken an act of God for me to take him back.

Maybe I don't have enough faith that God can fix anything. Maybe I don't really believe God can heal all wounds. I don't know. What I do know is I want to close this chapter and move on.

You know what else I know? That oft-quoted verse from Malachi doesn't end there.

Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce, " says the LORD God of Israel."and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD
Almighty.

God hates divorce. God also hates the violence that infected my family. He hates every bruise, every drop of blood, every broken bone, every tear shed. He hates the fear my children and I lived with. He hates the broken trust. He hates the fear and abuse in my husband's past that taught him his fists were the way to deal with his family.

But He doesn't hate my husband. Sometimes, I used to wish He did. I wished that God would bring His full fury down on my husband's head and punish him - make him suffer. I had a right to feel that way, didn't I? But I don't want that anymore, because I don't hate him either. Maybe that's what forgiveness is about?

The verse ends this way:

So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Amen.

Dear Lord... Thank You

*I don't know who started Thankful Thursdays, or I would credit them.

Dear Lord,
Thank-you for:

• The changing of the seasons, which reminds me that life can't be lived without change, and that change is more good than bad.
• Technology that allows me to connect with people I otherwise wouldn't know, or wouldn't know how to find again.
• A job I enjoy that pays the bills without a lot of extra; so that I don't get so caught up in getting that I forget the One who gave it all to me.
• A church family - no matter how dysfunctional it may be at times.
• A pastor and his wife who are answers to all the prayers I had for my church, and to many prayers I didn't know I had until they came.
• Four children who changed my life; even though I don't always see them as blessings, they truly are.

Blessed Nights, Hard Days, GREAT God

I apologize for my recent non-blogativeness. I'd like to say it was because I am busy (I am!) but that isn't the reason I haven't found a lot of time to write.

The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional - both good and bad.

First, I love my job. I actually turned down a job that paid better because, as I was sitting through training a couple of weeks ago, my heart just started screaming that here is where I am meant to be. I just about cried in the middle of training. Yeah.

Yes, graveyard is hard - especially with 10 hour shifts. Yes, I am still struggling to adjust my body to my new sleep/wake schedule. But I go to work just singing inside. It's like the Spirit is telling me that this is where He's been pointing me all along, and the joy in it is undescribable.

There are heartbreaks - the kids I work with have been abandoned by society until they come to us and they have been abused by the people who were supposed to protect them. And yes, they can be difficult, but I'm thriving on it.

Outside of work though, I'm feeling really lonely. I am having a hard time connecting with people. My roommate doesn't seem to want to talk to me unless she has to, and she used to be one of my dearest friends. I haven't had a real conversation with her for a long, long time. Living with her just makes that all the more obvious and painful.

Her daughter (20yo) and I are getting along really well but she's gone a lot doing young-person things that I never really had the opportunity to do. I have to admit I'm a little jealous.

I never thought I'd say this, but when she spends the night at a friend's house, I really miss her. My house is not a place I like to be, but her cooky weirdness makes it bearable.

And then there's my ex-husband. I have given that man the power to rip me away from my security as a cherished and adored heiress of God.

Last week, after well over a year and a half of his active pursuit of me, he told me he was in love with someone else and is moving on. Yipee? I should be happy, right? (Don't get me wrong, I am!) But why does he get to move on as though nothing happened? Why does he get to be with someone and be happy? Why is his life essentially untouched and undamaged by what he did to me?

I spent the week when I wasn't at work PROFOUNDLY unhappy. See, when the "wooing" stopped the gloves came off and he had some very ugly words for me - words that I'd been telling myself off and on for years.

Things like: It is my fault he hit me. Anyone would get violent with someone like me. I bring out the worst in people. He would never be violent with anyone else. I mean, what does it say about me if he never hurts this new woman? What does it say if I am the only person he ever loathed so much that he had to resort to violence?

I know that these messages are deceitful. I KNOW this, but they are so insidious, aren't they? And today, after a very dark and ugly week, I can live this.

But in that week, I was ready to give up on everything.

Yes, it was that bad.

That said, I serve and am loved by a truly awesome God. He's gently - and sometimes not so gently - clearing out the lies and reminding me of my inheritance. He's richly blessed me in so many ways and my heart is lighter and freer when I can remember to praise Him for everything He has done.

Life isn't fair...

If life were fair...
children wouldn't suffer for the sins of their parents... or be the target of those sins

If life were fair...
men, women and children would be free from abuse and misuse by those who have power over them

If life were fair...
people would die peacefully in their sleep from old age rather than from accident, disease or the acts of a fellow human being

If life were fair...

society would care for the hurting and helpless rather than throwing them away

If life were fair...
there wouldn't *be* any hurting or helpless

If life were fair...
justice truly would be swift, sure and the people who commit crimes would actually pay for them

If life were fair...
people would turn to Jesus and the cross rather than sex, drugs, booze and violence

If life were fair...
we would all be on that cross instead of Jesus

Life isn't fair...
but we serve the Great Physician who has an answer to all of life's unfairness - He took it all upon Himself and said, "I forgive you."

Please pray!

UPDATE:
Van is back up and running. It had a bad battery. Which was under warranty! Yahoo!

My knee is better (vicodin helps!). To answer the question:

I slipped on some leaves Thursday morning on the way to work and it twisted funny. It didn't really hurt, but it was kind of weak feeling. We had restraint and evasion training that day and there was a LOT of moving, twisting and turning. I was fine until I stopped moving, and then the next time I stood up it was kind of excruciating. Friday we had CPR and First Aid so I was on my knees on the floor for 5 hours. By Friday night my knee looked like a cantalope. But it seems better now.

Thank you for praying! ***

Quick prayer request...

I start work at 11pm Sunday night.
And I messed up my knee (if it isn't better, I can't work).
And my blasted van won't start (if it isn't fixed I can't get to work).

And it's pretty petulant of me, but is there a reason why something ALWAYS has to be going wrong? I mean, I finally get a job and things are looking up... then BOOM!

Grrrrr.

(Sorry God, I know I'm whining).

VERY short

Job is going well... this week has been exhausting.

I'll be working with at-risk teens in a residential treatment facility. These kids have been through a lot and are acting out in all sorts of dangerous ways. Training has been mostly about averting crises and partly about what you do when crises can't be avoided (by crises I mean angry teenager throwing a chair at your head and threatening to kill you). It has been very physical and I'm tuckered.

So I don't have a lot to say. But I thank all of you for the job prayers over the last few months!

Trick or Treat!!

My darlin' brood enjoying our little Halloween tradition - Mommy driving herself crazy to make four fun and exciting costumes!

But hey, I spent $17 TOTAL! You almost can't get ONE store-bought costume for that amount anymore.



My oldest, the Happy Gnome. Totally his idea after he found a cornucopia at the dollar store and stuck it on his head as a hat!

My youngest, the too-cute-to-be-scary Scarecrow. She needed some prodding to decide on this one - because I was not about to do ANOTHER Disney Princess! (I know, mean mom, right?)

My Great Pumpkin - his choice (and I thanked him heartily for something easier than Batman! I really dislike doing "character" costumes!). The leaves on the bottom are hiding the word "Grimey" on the orange dollar-store laundry bag. =)

Now this costume (she's a tornado... please tell me you can see a tornado?) was my favorite this year! I love when I can think outside the box. It took me forever to figure out how I was going to make it work, but I loved the result - and most importantly, so did she!

Yes, I drive myself crazy doing it, but I really do enjoy it and my kids, for one night out of the year at least, think I'm the coolest mom ever for doing this for them. Who could ask for more?

One Eleven

In honor of my 111th post - I never was one for convention - I'm going to share some 111's with you.

1. On 1/11 I was very very sick. I had "walking pneumonia" and spent every waking moment I wasn't at work in bed.
2. On 11/1 I wasn't sick, but I stayed in bed all day anyway, curled up with a good book and my laptop.
3. 111 minutes ago I was in bed asleep.
4. At 1:11pm yesterday I was NOT in bed asleep. I was in a Leadership Team meeting about church budget. Wanna know where I would have preferred to be?
5. At 1:11am yesterday (both of them) I was still awake. But at least I was in bed, right?
6. 111 hours ago I was cleaning and waiting for my oldest three to get home from school
7. 111 days ago I was wrestling with the concept of forgiveness - the day before, I posted this and the day after, I posted this.
8. In 111 days we will have had a new president for a little over a month, my youngest will have been 6 for four days and my step-daughter turns 18.
9. At 1:11pm today I will be in TRAINING for my NEW JOB - which I was too afraid to tell anyone about until now because I was terrified it would fall through (again).
10. The first line of Psalm 11:1 says: In the LORD I take refuge.
11. Psalm 111:10 says:
    The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise

AMEN