I apologize for my recent non-blogativeness. I'd like to say it was because I am busy (I am!) but that isn't the reason I haven't found a lot of time to write.
The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional - both good and bad.
First, I love my job. I actually turned down a job that paid better because, as I was sitting through training a couple of weeks ago, my heart just started screaming that here is where I am meant to be. I just about cried in the middle of training. Yeah.
Yes, graveyard is hard - especially with 10 hour shifts. Yes, I am still struggling to adjust my body to my new sleep/wake schedule. But I go to work just singing inside. It's like the Spirit is telling me that this is where He's been pointing me all along, and the joy in it is undescribable.
There are heartbreaks - the kids I work with have been abandoned by society until they come to us and they have been abused by the people who were supposed to protect them. And yes, they can be difficult, but I'm thriving on it.
Outside of work though, I'm feeling really lonely. I am having a hard time connecting with people. My roommate doesn't seem to want to talk to me unless she has to, and she used to be one of my dearest friends. I haven't had a real conversation with her for a long, long time. Living with her just makes that all the more obvious and painful.
Her daughter (20yo) and I are getting along really well but she's gone a lot doing young-person things that I never really had the opportunity to do. I have to admit I'm a little jealous.
I never thought I'd say this, but when she spends the night at a friend's house, I really miss her. My house is not a place I like to be, but her cooky weirdness makes it bearable.
And then there's my ex-husband. I have given that man the power to rip me away from my security as a cherished and adored heiress of God.
Last week, after well over a year and a half of his active pursuit of me, he told me he was in love with someone else and is moving on. Yipee? I should be happy, right? (Don't get me wrong, I am!) But why does he get to move on as though nothing happened? Why does he get to be with someone and be happy? Why is his life essentially untouched and undamaged by what he did to me?
I spent the week when I wasn't at work PROFOUNDLY unhappy. See, when the "wooing" stopped the gloves came off and he had some very ugly words for me - words that I'd been telling myself off and on for years.
Things like: It is my fault he hit me. Anyone would get violent with someone like me. I bring out the worst in people. He would never be violent with anyone else. I mean, what does it say about me if he never hurts this new woman? What does it say if I am the only person he ever loathed so much that he had to resort to violence?
I know that these messages are deceitful. I KNOW this, but they are so insidious, aren't they? And today, after a very dark and ugly week, I can live this.
But in that week, I was ready to give up on everything.
Yes, it was that bad.
That said, I serve and am loved by a truly awesome God. He's gently - and sometimes not so gently - clearing out the lies and reminding me of my inheritance. He's richly blessed me in so many ways and my heart is lighter and freer when I can remember to praise Him for everything He has done.
5 comments:
Hi Bethany,
I look at your blog now and then but don't comment as often as I should I'm sure. I don't know your story but got a glimpse from this post. I just did a post a few days ago about abuse. It's a subject for many reasons I am very passionate about and lately have realized how much I am passinate about it. I only endudred verbal abuse in my first marriage, but it was enough to drag me down to nothing that 15 yrs later I am finally really healing from.
Yes it takes two to tango and I when provoked could be an ugly person too, however I don't you or anyone blaming yourself for it. Again I don't know you or your ex and I pray he does hit the new someone - but that does not make you the person that caused it. God is so loving and so merciful He gave me a wonderful man that has helped me so much be my own person and not cower in a corner. Don't get me wrong there was a lot of baggage to work through but it will be okay. Time is hard but it is the middle link between Seeds and the harvest. Your ship will come in. Please don't blame yourself. and if you need to talk you can comment on my blog or e-mail me at ljgolf823@comcast.net.
I'll pray for your peace.
Lynn
HI
P.S. I realized after I wrote you that we both live in Oregon. Who knows we may be neighbors. ha ha
Blessings,
Lynn
Bethany, repeat after me...I am a child of the King. I have worth beyond what I can see or feel because of my Father. NO ONE deserves to be hit. The violence against you has nothing to do with loathing, it has to do with power & control.
You are correct, the message you have received is insidious, dark, ugly, but you have to turn it around and tell yourself again who you REALLY are. Believe it... love yourself as much as Christ loves you. My very best friend likes to quote something a counselor told him once "How can you hate that which God loves?"
Looky looky... I have a new marquee for my screensaver.
"I am a child of the King. I have worth beyond what I can see or feel because my FATHER says so!"
So there! (what am I, 12? =)
Good girl. Now let's keep this statement fresh in our minds as we live each day. When we wake up feeling less than we really are; when we make a mistake and think "surely everyone can see how dumb I am now"; when we don't respond the way people think we should...We are still children of the KING! You and I are sisters whose Father is the King and we travel this journey together. Even when you feel all alone, someone else is going through the same thing somewhere.
Our duty and our right as His children is to get up and start the day knowing He is our Father and we have only to live up to that. We are not perfect. He knows his children are plagued with difficulties, challenges, hurts and pains. But we need only take hold of that which has taken hold of us.
And yes, being 12 or 10 or 5 can be a really wonderful time. We go back to the time before we really started getting hurt; before we had to grow up too early, when we didn't hear the hurtful things people said behind our backs. It is a time when we are just children playing in our Father's yard - wandering and staring at the wonder that is our Father's world.
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