So I took an unintentional hiatus from blogging. ::sigh::
I haven't felt much like writing I guess.
What have I been up to the last two months?
* On the 23rd of September I was involved in a physical intervention (restraint/hold/whatever you want to call it) with a client. This client struggled a lot and at some point during the hold I slipped or stepped wrong and tore a ligament in my ankle. I just returned to work this week after 8 weeks of light duty.
There were a lot of blessings in this time of rest - I've had some wonderful, in depth conversations with my program manager and some co-workers; conversations I could never have on the milieu side of the street. From a work standpoint I have (not intentionally) come to the attention of the higher-ups and they all have positive things to say about me. This feels good.
Not being in the milieu did NOT feel good. I take a lot of pride in my job. I love what I do and I'm good at it. Though not quite a healthy approach, I've defined a lot of my worth based on my ability to do my job well. I feel confident and competant in the milieu and there aren't a lot of other situations or settings where that is true. I'm still working out what God had to teach me in this... it's coming to me slowly. I was resistant to the teachable moment for a long time.
* My trauma recovery therapy has gotten a LOT more intense. Every time I talk about treatment, I say, "its getting really hard." And every time I talk about it, it really is getting harder. I'm more prepared for it - most of the time - and I still sometimes just want to quit. There's a lot of yucky stuff to face.
:::: let me step up on a tangential soap box for a moment ::::
Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people - both online and in real life - being really judgmental of people who struggle with depression, PTSD and various & assundry other mental disorders. I've heard things like: "If they just had more faith," or "if they just prayed harder," or "The Holy Spirit is the only counselor anyone should need." But worst of all are comments like, "if you can't get over it, you're living in sin by damaging your witness for Christ."
Ok, so there's some grains of truth in all of those, but God has gifted us with people who are called to help others recover from past experiences. The reality is, faith is hard, prayer is hard, trusting the Holy Spirit is hard, and being an effective witness is HARD when you are suffering. My friends, LIVING is hard when you have a mental illness. But there's a difference between refusing to change and struggling to change.
Some people want to make it into a solely spiritual problem. It isn't. That's like telling a diabetic that if they were right with God, they wouldn't have trouble controlling their bloodsugars. Legalism at it's worst.
:::: moving on :::: Where was I anyway? Oh yes, the last two months.
*I've been having some significant struggles with my oldest son. I just don't know what to do. He needs a Godly father(figure). My boys need someone to show them how to be strong Christian men and my daughters need someone to show them how men should treat women.
But me, the woman with more baggage than a 747 cargo hold? Being open to a relationship? BLEH!!! Lord, just let the men in the church take them under their wings and leave me out of it!
So that's my life in a nutshell. God has done and is doing some amazing work in me, but I don't have the words to put it down on "paper" yet. Someday.
