My Label Maker

I have this nifty little lable maker, complete with QWERTY keyboard that prints out the neatest, crispest labels EVER. When I'm in an organizing mood (which, admittedly, is rare), I drag that thing out and print off label after label. We have a similar one at work and when I have a spare moment or need a distraction I start printing labels. Just one of my things.

Labels give things meaning and purpose. Labels give things identity and belonging.

They make a random drawer into a drawer that holds "Markers," and they turn cabinets into storehouses for spices, canned goods, first aid supplies, etc. They tell someone "This book belongs to..."

Labels make things valuable - or not so much.

Just look at clothing. A tiny little "DKNY" makes a plain black t-shirt worth a great deal more than a tiny little "Faded Glory." Labels tell us what to expect.

Labels give people meaning too. Labels make people valuable... or not so much.

I was visiting Lysa TerKeurst's blog a few days ago when she asked what are some of the ways her readers have labeled themselves. I thought about that for a while before replying.

My mental label maker has been awful busy.

I've taken on a lot of labels:
victim,
broken,
unlovable,
shameful,
hopeless...
These are - were - my identity... "just who I am."

I lived in these labels and they were real to me. I knew that I would never be anything else. After all, weren't they written on my heart, my soul and even my body for everyone to see? Didn't I prove them to be true over and over and over again?

But God is changing my reality and I'm working on accepting His labels: redeemed, adopted, loved, forgiven... a much better identity to live in, isn't it?

I'm working on letting God be my Label Maker.

No More

I've been finding myself at a loss for words a lot lately. Really at a loss.

Sometimes I don't speak because I can't find words I'm comfortable saying. It isn't that there aren't a lot of things going on in my head, I just don't want to share them without some serious editing.

Sometimes I don't speak because I can't find words that are more important than the ones I'm hearing. I prefer to listen - either because someone I care about has something to say, or because I need to hear the sound of someone's voice.

And then there are the times like the last week.
At these times, I don't speak because I can't find words at all.

I do a lot of crying though.

Not the bad, dark, dangerous kind of crying I've done so often, just the wordless weeping of a little girl asking her Daddy for... something.

I don't know what I'm asking. I don't really know my self right now. I've been used to living a certain way for quite some time... and things are changing. I don't know what to do with those changes.

God is grabbing 'hold of all those security blankets I've clung to and He's saying, "Let them go now."
He's taking a broom to all those dusty corners and He's saying, "Clean them up now."
He's throwing wide the doors of all those dark closets and He's saying, "Air them out now."

Let go of old habits, clean up the old thoughts, air out those old secrets.

"No more hiding, Bethany."

But God, I want to hide. I like those blankets and corners and closets. They're safe. They're comfortable. Lord, don't take them away, they're all I know. Hiding is all I know.

"No more hiding, child."

But God, can't I just - ?

"Bethany. NO. MORE."

I'll be honest, "no more" is not the answer I want to hear. When I sit crying for I-don't-know-what, "No more" is not the what I'm looking for.

But it's the what I've been given.
It's the how.
It's the why.

So I don't have a lot of words (despite the length of this post) as I sit here in this... wondering what "no more" will look like.

It's scary.

When you feel swept off your feet...

...maybe it's time to get on your knees.

This has been a hard week, but God has been faithful and has helped me through it. I'm on the knife's edge of ugly AND I'm somehow still standing - or perhaps kneeling.

Right now I'm taking a break in the middle of a 17 hour shift (I'm working a double). I was at work until 12:30am last night and had to be at work at 7:00am this morning. It's also my Friday so I am at the end of my capacity to function. I think I've downed more caffeine today than I usually consume in a week...

Jesus, please help me through the next 7 1/2 hours in a way that pleases You. "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, o LORD, my strength and my redeemer!" (Psalm 19:14). I'm not feeling kind, or understanding, or patient so please let Your kindness, understanding and patience shine through me. AMEN.

On a positive note, the reason I'm working a double today is because on the 12th I will be moving to a shift-lead position on day shift. I should be home most days by 5:30pm and will actually get to see my children. I've been praying for this for the past year and it has finally come in God's perfect timing. I love it when that happens.

Please take a moment to pray for me over the next few days - hard!hard!HARD! I desperately need it.