When it rains...

... it pours.

Huge bucketfulls of cold, wet, nasty, muck. And it seems like it never ends.

I don't want to go into details but basically, I did the right thing and now I'm the one under fire, and it is my family that is threatened rather than the people who should be held accountable.

I do a really good job, without any help, of heaping guilt upon myself - especially when it comes to my parenting. I was finally - finally - getting better about it. I hadn't had a really bad day for quite a while... and I guess someone decided that I was making too much progress.

Since I'm not telling myself every waking moment how horrible a person/mother I am anymore, he needed to recruit someone else to do it for me - someone with teeth and the power to pull my world out from underneath me.

I used to be so skeptical of anything that was really spiritualized. Operative words: "used to." My outlook has changed. I cannot continue to dismiss as coincidence events that appear too remarkably deliberate.

Every single time, without fail, when I have made a significant spiritual committment or breakthrough I've been hit with some kind of blow. It frightens me to admit it, but I can't help but realize that as long as I'm getting better these attacks will get worse. I know that the trials are worth it... because God says they are... but Dear Lord. Dear Lord.

I don't even know how to pray right now. All I can do is cry out and believe that God understands my heart even when I don't.

Ow Ow OWWIE!!

Last night my Bible Study group that had just finished Beth Moore's Breaking Free was getting together to write our covenant letters and seal them up in fancy envelopes with wax seals and everything. I arrived at the church with my four-child entourage and as they were all piling out of the van my 5 yo accidently kicked the 2.5 gallon jug of laundry detergent a friend had just given me (it made her itch).

The detergent fell out of the van and onto my right foot - and let me tell ya, those plastic crocs offer zilch in the way of protection from falling objects!

I am almost positive one of my toes is broken - it is swollen to nearly twice its normal size and it turned dark purple within minutes. It alternates between being completely numb and sending horrible shooting pains up my leg at the tiniest of movements. I don't have health insurance so I'm just hoping I've taped it adequately.

Work today was rough and I had the dubious pleasure of working with a particularly challenging student who had me on my feet all day. Then I get home and my daughter steps on said sore toe. Ow.

Vicodin, take me away! (If only I had some).

For such a time as this...

For a few months now I've really been struggling with my current job as a special education assistant. I love the work, I love the people I work with, I love my students but I know that education is not the direction my life is supposed to take long-term. I've just felt so out of place and I've wondered why God hadn't answered my prayer for a job that was more in line with my future goals.

Heh. I should know the answer to this, right?

A couple weeks or so ago I started an online Bible study (see button on the right) and the first lesson was about being intentionally placed where we are for God's glory. Since then, my prayers have changed to asking God to show me what He wanted me to do right where I am now.

Yesterday He did.

I showed up for work with a really bad attitude, wishing I could just go home and sleep off the rough night I'd had. Barely an hour into the work day, God changed everything.

I can't go into details, but a friend needed help that I was uniquely equipped to give. Praise God He gave me the words to say and the voice of experience that was exactly what was needed at exactly the right time. It is a miracle really. I hadn't shared a whole lot about my life at work (a second grade classroom just isn't the place to air personal information). Yet here she is, asking me for support, and maybe God can use me to help.

Dear Lord, You know the situation and You know the needs. Thank you for using me and my past experiences to help my friend. Help me continue to be a light and a beacon of hope to her and to others around me. You have a plan for all of us, including my friend and her daughter, may You be glorified. Amen.

Beautiful... BAH! :::sigh:::

What is your initial response when anyone suggests you are beautiful?
Ha! My first thought is, 'You're out of your mind, right?' Of course, right now the only person telling me I am beautiful is the very last person I want to hear those words from. My ex is laying it on thick and I can't even begin to describe how sick and disgusting it makes me feel... nor would I have enough time or space to explain it all.

Do you find you engage in a lot of negative 'self-talk'? How much of your thought life does this form of thinking consume?
I do. I'm getting better, but the things I have to say about myself are downright ugly sometimes. OK... if I talk to myself about my self (that sounds weird) at all, it is negative. I have been able to stray away from the topic of "me" when I'm thinking, and I don't let myself get as bad as I used to, but I know it is a problem. I have a couple decades plus of negative messages running through my brain. They are as comfortable (and as ugly) as those beat up, ripped up, worn-through-at-the-thighs flannel pj pants you've worn since Clinton was president. I live in these thoughts. I wake up with them, go to sleep with them and I seem to spend every free moment with them. But I am getting better. They aren't as comfortable any more. I argue with them (and myself). I pray about them. They don't have the draw they used to have. One of these days I'll cast them off and throw them away for good. Dear God, let that day come soon!!!

What is the most radical transformation you've witnessed in an individual after they were born again? It's okay to tell about your own!
I have to say my little girl. She still has her 8 year old moments (and boy are they doozies!). And recent events have stirred up some very dramatic behavior. But I can already see a huge change in her. She thinks about things more before doing them, and when she makes a mistake she makes it right as soon as possible. She has such a heart for scripture! Our interim pastor gave her this wonderful bible study book after she asked to be baptized. Its called I'm a Christian Now for younger children and it is excellent. She asks for it the moment she walks in the door from school and spends nearly an hour working on it and reading Scripture. She's so inspiring. She even takes her Bible to school every day and reads it during free reading time. I wish I had her devotion.

The imagery of being a City Girl has absolutely changed the way I perceive my worth before God. Does it yours? Will you receive this truth and let it boost your righteous confidence?
It kind of breaks my heart honestly. I'm not living like a "City Girl" and I dearly want to be...
Dear Lord, I am not living as though I am a daughter of the Most High King. I've spent so much time living among the peasants and I've only had a few glimpses of what itmeans to be royalty. Shower me with Your riches Lord, let me truly live like I'm Yours. Amen.

My daughter, my sister...

Dearest Keziah,

I could not be more priviledged or more proud to welcome you today as my sister in Christ. From the moment I knew you were growing inside me I have prayed for this day when you would trust Jesus as your Savior and make your faith known to the world through baptism.

Today I am more than just your earthly mother, I am one among many in your heavenly family who has promised to walk with you in this new life of yours. There is no greater honor and I pray that one day your heart will burst with pride like mine when you stand beside my grandbabies as they make the same decision.

Even when your world seems to crumble around you, or when the trials and temptations of this life (and there will be many) wear at your soul, may you daily seek God's face and trust in His grace until we stand together in heaven. I am so proud of you, my darling girl. Happy re-Birthday!

Always and forever,

Mom.

What have I gotten myself into?

So... while surfing blog-world I came across an online Bible study (ok, ok, so I came across it over a year late... but better late than never!). Wow. I love technology. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to do this so bear with me for any technical glitches.



Are there any circumstances or relationships in your life where you can see God has intentionally placed you to be a light for Him?
Maybe there is. To be honest, I am only now starting to think about it. I look at what recently happened with my daughters and I have to praise God that I am the person I am now instead of the person I was a couple of years ago. I can only pray that God will continue to use what has happened with my life for His glory... not just for my family, but for everyone God brings into my life.

Can you honestly describe yourself as a woman with a 'yes' in her spirit?
Not always. This is a problem I know I have. I am so rebellious - so selfish. I want to be used by God but when it comes to stepping outside my comfort zone I still hesitate; still resist. How frustrating it is... to know how Paul felt when he said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15). What I want with all my heart is to be a "yes" woman, but what I actually do is another issue entirely.

Are you in an emotionally and spiritually healthy place today?
I'm getting there. I am not where I should be, but I am making progress. Slow, painful, excruciating progress, but progress none-the-less.

If so, what will you do with your series of unrecurring events? Will you commit to ask for spiritual eyes to see opportunities to defend a weaker sister?
I have to say, the prospect scares and excites me at the same time. What if I screw up? What if I make things worse instead of better? Hmm... I think Moses had the same objections. Something to ponder and pray over.

If no, are you taking steps to seek out wise counsel from a sister you admire or perhaps a Christian counselor if needed? If not, will you resolve to do so?
Counseling... and lots of it. Like I said, I'm getting there - slowly. My counselor is a wonderful, strong Christian woman who I also happen to admire and look up to. When I don't have confidence in what Christ is doing in me, she does. Its nice to hear that from an objective source.

Lord, what have I gotten myself into with this study?

Broken-hearted mama

No mother wants to hear the words that my precious daughters said to me yesterday. And yet, every mother hopes her child would say those words rather than keep them bottled up forever. I don't want to go into detail and don't need to but I will say I took all the recommended steps to protect my girls.

I don't really know what else to do here... I don't know what to say or how to react. I am trying to avoid bringing my own history into the mix.

This is so hard and it breaks my heart...
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And it makes me flaming mad. Let me tell you now, if Satan was trying to get at me, he took the wrong path. Don't mess with my kids. I've prayed more in the last two days than I have for a long time. If he was trying to get at my kids....? He's in for a fight. I will intercede for them with my very last breath... and I will teach them to reach for God in this.

How dare satan attack my babies?! How dare he?! My oldest daughter went to the front of the church of her own accord, confessed faith in Christ and asked to be baptized just a couple weeks ago. My little girl believes in Jesus with all her heart and I am on my knees begging God that this ugliness doesn't interfere with her faith and I'm begging God that this won't put a roadblock in the path of my youngest child. How dare he!?

Oh Lord, I don't know what to do. Thank you for making me into a mother my children could come to and thank you for putting a stop to this when You did. Guide me as I guide them and protect their young hearts. You know my heart Lord, I don't know how to pray but You do. Amen.

Counselor's orders!

I was sitting in my therapist's office expressing how worn out I feel. Then she asked me what I did to rest and recharge. As I started listing off things she stopped me mid-sentence - "No," she said, "what do you do for YOU." I was shocked when I realized that everything I do right now drains me far faster than it fills me up, especially on the heels of pneumonia.

My therapist says I need a vacation. From her lips to God's ears... please! =) I've spent the lat two days thinking about what a restful vacation would look like for me. So this is my daydream:

I'd love a week or two, but I can settle on two days and nights. Alone. I just need to be alone. I need some one-on-one time with God without any interruptions. No kids - I love them dearly, but they aren't restful. No cell phone - I am beginning to think that being available by phone 24/7 is a curse. A small beach front vacation rental on the Oregon Coast - yes, its cold this time of year, but the storms forming over the ocean are phenomenal to watch. No TV, no computer, just my Bible, a notebook, a drawing pad and a Francine Rivers novel or two. Frequent walks on the beach, freshly steamed clams and dungeness crab, a hot tub, a fireplace and sweet silence. Oh, and fudge from one of those touristy candy shacks.

Is it ever going to happen? Not likely. But its fun to dream!