When it rains...

... it pours.

Huge bucketfulls of cold, wet, nasty, muck. And it seems like it never ends.

I don't want to go into details but basically, I did the right thing and now I'm the one under fire, and it is my family that is threatened rather than the people who should be held accountable.

I do a really good job, without any help, of heaping guilt upon myself - especially when it comes to my parenting. I was finally - finally - getting better about it. I hadn't had a really bad day for quite a while... and I guess someone decided that I was making too much progress.

Since I'm not telling myself every waking moment how horrible a person/mother I am anymore, he needed to recruit someone else to do it for me - someone with teeth and the power to pull my world out from underneath me.

I used to be so skeptical of anything that was really spiritualized. Operative words: "used to." My outlook has changed. I cannot continue to dismiss as coincidence events that appear too remarkably deliberate.

Every single time, without fail, when I have made a significant spiritual committment or breakthrough I've been hit with some kind of blow. It frightens me to admit it, but I can't help but realize that as long as I'm getting better these attacks will get worse. I know that the trials are worth it... because God says they are... but Dear Lord. Dear Lord.

I don't even know how to pray right now. All I can do is cry out and believe that God understands my heart even when I don't.