All Buttoned Up

Last week was rough. The roughest I've had at work. EVER.

Every button that could be pushed was hammered - repeatedly. Then some of those same buttons got pushed in my personal life too. Every failing, every fear, every guilty feeling, every futile attempt to bury my hurts in all the wrong ways were shoved in my face.

And God showed me why.

One of my clients faced something heartbreaking and she turned to me because she thinks I am real - because she trusts me to care... because she knows I'm safe. She talked to me because she knew I wouldn't judge her, and knew I wouldn't try to brush her feelings under the carpet. And I thought... why me? What did I do to deserve her trust?

Another one of my clients graduated the program and she told me that no one else had ever told her it was ok to cry, or that she didn't have to be ashamed of her hurting. I told her once that she could take the power away from the people who have hurt her by using what she's been through to help others. She's decided that she's going to do whatever it takes to turn her life around so she can be a foster parent - so she can give children like her a home and be someone who shows them they are worthy of love... like I showed her. And I thought, is this me? Where did that come from?

I am humbled beyond words by these two girls. And when they saw me crying this week (different buttons), they both knew that they were more than just a job to me. And I thought, is this the why for my life? Is this when God redeems the years the locusts have eaten? Is this the moment when God shows me the good He's meant for me all along?

I'd have to say...
Yes.

Now, that isn't to say I didn't fall apart, or act a fool. That isn't to say that I handled it all well and in the most healthy way possible. And it isn't to say that I don't have miles to go on this journey. God will continue to challenge me - to press those buttons - until I give it all to Him.

And that's ok.
Because He has plans for me.

Bits & Pieces....

... of life as I know it.

1 ~ My mom and I have many issues, but she definitely has her high points. She tracked down the person my roommate gave the bags of Tupperware to and asked her if she's already taken it to Goodwill. She said no and my mom now has my stuff. Yay!

I'm going to get rid of some of it (I really did have a lot), I'm going to bring some of it back home and I'm going to store the rest I want to keep at my mom's for the time being. I still have to have a talk with my roommate - there are many other issues - but at least I have my things.

2 ~ I'm going to be starting the summer Bible Study being done over at LPM entitled Me, Myself & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. I got two books thinking I would ask someone in my "real life" to join me, but now that it's time to start I have no idea who to ask. There are 3 or 4 people I've considered asking, but I don't think they'd want to. Life is busy and I can't imagine why anyone would really want to spend one on one time with me (yes, I know I still need to work on the confidence thing).

I guess it's a God thing that the Bible Study is all about how we think about ourselves. From the back cover:

We talk to ourselves all the time. We evaluate everything we do, compare
ourselves to others, and even call ourselves names. We disparage who we are
instead of telling ourselves the truth about who God says we are. Me, Myself
& Lies deals with our destructive, unrealistic self-talk.

OUCH.

3 ~ I agreed to do something I'm not sure I can do - no matter how much I want to. I'm still trying to figure out how well I'll be able to step up to the plate. Only God knows, I suppose. If He's in this (and I let Him work through me), I'll do well... if He isn't, I'll crash and burn but at least I'll know. It's hard to figure out where you fit in the larger Kingdom picture when the thing you were sure God was asking you to do (for me, that was grad school and becoming a therapist) falls apart.

4 ~ My kids are out of school! That means I finally get to spend more time with them. Of course, right now they're revelling in their freedom and seem to have no intentions of returning home any time soon. =) I've recently had to talk to one of my sons about finding new friends... I'm cautiously watching his choices this summer. Could you pray for him? There are other things coming up and I want better for him.

I'm having more babysitter-related problems (well, actually, it involves someone who lives with the babysitter). She's mad at me for something I said - which I don't regret saying - and she's taking it out on my kids. So far the worst of it has been talking about my kids rather than to them, but they're all intimidated by her and she's hyper-critical of everything they do. Another confrontation I have to have. Joy. This could use prayer too.

5 ~ And to end on a positive note... Work is going great! I'm loving my new schedule and the opportunities I have to create groups and work closely with the clients. I've hit some bumps along the way and have ruffled a few feathers among my peers and superiors, but it's a good job that is very fulfilling.

I'm off to take my kids to the movies! Later!

GRRrrrrr!

I'm frustrated, and I'm probably not being very Christ-like...

I'm grateful that my roomate decided to clean the kitchen. It's the first time in at least a year since she's cleaned anywhere in this house other than her own room. So I'm thrilled.

HOWEVER.

She took it upon herself to get rid of ALL of my Tupperware - I'm not talking Rubbermaid or store-brand storage, I'm talking REAL Tupperware. ALL OF IT. Gone. She didn't consult me, she didn't keep things around to have me look through, she just bagged it all up and sent it to Goodwill while I was at work.

Big mixing bowls, microwave safe bowls, soup bowls, plates, cups, cereal bowls, freezer storage, Modular Mates (this one KILLS me!), I had all sorts of Tupperware. I used to sell Tupperware and other than the initial start-up package, I bought all of my Tupperware with my own money that I earned rather than using my husband's money. As a stay-at-home mom that was a big deal to me. As a woman whose husband enjoyed reminding her that nothing in the house was actually hers because it was all bought with his money... it was HUGE.

Ok. Granted. It's just storage containers, but they were MINE. There isn't a lot left in this house that's mine other than clothes, books and the kids toys.

When she first moved in she decided that "we" needed to get rid of things - by that she meant me. Slowly but surely my things have been donated to Goodwill while her things fill every nook and cranny. If she were to move out I wouldn't have anything to cook with, any plates to eat on, any furniture to sit on, any bookshelves to put books on, any appliances to cook in... and so on.

Tupperware isn't cheap, and I don't have the money to go out and buy a whole bunch of storage containers - even if I got stuff at Wal-mart. Which means yet another thing in this house will be hers.

And she replaced my nice, safe Tupperware plates and bowls with STONEWARE, and my nice, safe Tupperware cups with GLASS glasses. I tried breakable dishes before... but I have four children who are not blessed with a whole lot of grace or balance... they didn't last long.

What gets to me is that she didn't ask. Didn't even mention it - and according to the kids, she'd been planning it for a couple of days. If she really wanted to reduce (though why she would care since she rarely cleans is beyond me) I would have been happy to cut my stock in half and give things away. But she didn't ask. And she got rid of it all before I could do anything about it.

It just feels sneaky.

And I'm frustrated... and my emotional reaction is probably far out of proportion to the events. But I don't care. Grrrrrr!

Blessed Nights, Hard Days, GREAT God

I apologize for my recent non-blogativeness. I'd like to say it was because I am busy (I am!) but that isn't the reason I haven't found a lot of time to write.

The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional - both good and bad.

First, I love my job. I actually turned down a job that paid better because, as I was sitting through training a couple of weeks ago, my heart just started screaming that here is where I am meant to be. I just about cried in the middle of training. Yeah.

Yes, graveyard is hard - especially with 10 hour shifts. Yes, I am still struggling to adjust my body to my new sleep/wake schedule. But I go to work just singing inside. It's like the Spirit is telling me that this is where He's been pointing me all along, and the joy in it is undescribable.

There are heartbreaks - the kids I work with have been abandoned by society until they come to us and they have been abused by the people who were supposed to protect them. And yes, they can be difficult, but I'm thriving on it.

Outside of work though, I'm feeling really lonely. I am having a hard time connecting with people. My roommate doesn't seem to want to talk to me unless she has to, and she used to be one of my dearest friends. I haven't had a real conversation with her for a long, long time. Living with her just makes that all the more obvious and painful.

Her daughter (20yo) and I are getting along really well but she's gone a lot doing young-person things that I never really had the opportunity to do. I have to admit I'm a little jealous.

I never thought I'd say this, but when she spends the night at a friend's house, I really miss her. My house is not a place I like to be, but her cooky weirdness makes it bearable.

And then there's my ex-husband. I have given that man the power to rip me away from my security as a cherished and adored heiress of God.

Last week, after well over a year and a half of his active pursuit of me, he told me he was in love with someone else and is moving on. Yipee? I should be happy, right? (Don't get me wrong, I am!) But why does he get to move on as though nothing happened? Why does he get to be with someone and be happy? Why is his life essentially untouched and undamaged by what he did to me?

I spent the week when I wasn't at work PROFOUNDLY unhappy. See, when the "wooing" stopped the gloves came off and he had some very ugly words for me - words that I'd been telling myself off and on for years.

Things like: It is my fault he hit me. Anyone would get violent with someone like me. I bring out the worst in people. He would never be violent with anyone else. I mean, what does it say about me if he never hurts this new woman? What does it say if I am the only person he ever loathed so much that he had to resort to violence?

I know that these messages are deceitful. I KNOW this, but they are so insidious, aren't they? And today, after a very dark and ugly week, I can live this.

But in that week, I was ready to give up on everything.

Yes, it was that bad.

That said, I serve and am loved by a truly awesome God. He's gently - and sometimes not so gently - clearing out the lies and reminding me of my inheritance. He's richly blessed me in so many ways and my heart is lighter and freer when I can remember to praise Him for everything He has done.

Tired & Fettered

I am angry.

Angry like I've never been before. It has been building up slowly over the last two or three months but it still feels as though it has come out of nowhere.

And I don't even know why I'm angry.

Angry at my ex? Certainly. Angry at myself? Most definitely. Angry at God? Possibly.

And yes, I know that it is no mistake that this consuming anger comes right at a time when God is speaking to me about deep-seated problems in my life. I know that it is as deliberate as my appointment with God in San Antonio.

And you know what? I am SICK of this.

There's work to be done and I can't do it when I keep tripping over my own chains.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!

I am tired of knowing I'm going the direction God is leading only to be slammed with doubt and insecurity. I am tired of being debilitated by fear that I am not worth anything to anyone and have nothing to offer.

By all that is Holy! Even if I have nothing of my own life to give, I HAVE CHRIST TO OFFER!!!

How can I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt and still allow my feelings to run away with me??

In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I cut myself. And over the last two months it has been more of a temptation than the whole rest of the year. The worst came my first night in San Antonio when I fell to pieces.

I am NOT giving up that VICTORY from God! He has done an amazing miracle in me and I am not letting that go over some stupid anger and ridiculous self-destructive insecurity! And it INFURIATES me that it has come to this. Fighting for these last 14 days.

I don't want to fight.

I am sooo tired God. Everytime I think 'I can't handle anything more,' something more comes. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so angry because every time I turn around, something else in my life falls apart. I feel useless because I can't support my children and worthless because I'm unemployed. I feel stupid because I keep falling for cheap manipulations. I feel WEAK because my life is such a mess that I need to ask for help. Lord, I haven't a clue what I'm doing. But You do. So Lord, please, take it. Because I can't.

Mount Bethany Blew (it).

The kids were driving me nuts. I have no job. Life is AGGRAVATING me. The last two conversations with the ex had already set me on edge. I can't sleep. I am BORED out of my mind. I'm restless. I feel useless.

All pathetic excuses for losing my temper when there is no excuse.

I blew it. BIG time. I don't even know if I had the right to be mad.

Why?why?why?why?whywhywhywhywhyWHY!!!!!!!!!!! Do I let it get to me?? So that no matter what I say, I look like a RAVING LUNATIC, instead of a civilized human being?

There was zero evidence of Christ in me. None. Urg.

The day from... well, you know.

It's been a day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I can't deny it, and don't really want to. What would be the point?

Before you think I'm about to go off on one of my nasty pity-parties, I'm not. Already done and over. (heh, I guess that isn't any better, though at least my two readers will be spared the misery).

There's the job thing and the husband thing and a whole host of other "things" that cloud my vision and stand between me and God - when I let them.

Truth is, I've been doing a lot of letting lately.

I don't have a lot of words today... it has been a battle from the moment I woke up and I am tired. I'm going to go praise God for getting me through it in one piece and then I'm going to try to sleep it off and start again tomorrow.

Home...

What signifies "home" to you? Home is more than just place to live, it is a place of securityand rest. Home is sometimes the only place where you can be entirely yourself. For most people, home is a house or apartment or RV or wherever they happen to keep their clothes and sleep at night.

My house is not my home. It is the same house I lived in with my husband and no amount of new paint, "new" furniture or new decor can erase the memories. I sleep on the livingroom couch because I cannot sleep in what was once my room. I tried for nearly a year, and between the accusations of being a lesbian because I have a female roomate and the nightmares, my own room is intolerable to me.

My mom's house isn't home either. It isn't my childhood home and although I love my mother very much, everything about it is foreign and I can never shake the "guest" feeling.

My church used to be the closest thing I had to home (on this earth anyway). I felt safe and I felt real there. I was given a key a year and a half ago when I took on the S.S. Director role... and I used to go there sometimes in the middle of the night to just sit in peace - to pray, to vent, to rest. I walked into the Sanctuary on Sunday mornings and it was a sanctuary.

Now it isn't. And now I have no place I can call "home." Even when I'm the only human being in the church, it doesn't feel safe. A year ago, I loved church and couldn't imagine ever leaving. Yesterday, I realized that I dread church every Sunday and seriously entertained going elsewhere.

My husband comes to my church. And he sits in the same pew, and even when I get up and move, he moves with me. He touches me before/during/after service and follows me everywhere during potlucks/fellowship times. Now he wants to be more "involved" and maybe even teach Sunday School (say WHAT?).

I walk into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings and I feel confined, restricted and sometimes downright panicked. My stress level is so high, I find myself throwing up at church almost every week. And worst of all, I have to wear this mask because it doesn't feel safe to be real.

I want to go HOME.

Stupid people shouldn't breed....

I know that this isn't very Christian of me, but why do people insist on being exceptionally stupid on national holidays?? Why do holidays, where we are supposed to celebrate everything that is good in America, become an excuse for people to show off everything that is bad in America?

Incident #1 - A GROWN WOMAN leaves her TODDLER in the road as a large parade truck struggled to negotiate a turn - all so said woman could get at a piece of candy thrown from one of the previous parade trucks. Thankfully the little guy got himself out of the road in time, but c'mon people! Is a 5c piece of candy really worth it??

Incident #2 - Three teenage boys were arrested not more than 10 feet away from where my kids and I were set up to watch fireworks. Why? Because they were walking around selling drugs to people right there in the field. Children everywhere. Police everywhere. Selling drugs. Brilliant.

Incident #3 - Probably a dozen or so other people were arrested for gang fighting throughout the night. In a nice, wholesome suburban neighborhood in a classic Americana small town. These people came out to celebrate the holiday by beating each other to a bloody pulp. God bless America.

Incident #4 - I was driving home from the fireworks display on a scenic highway with a cliff face on one side and a drop to the river on the other. My kids were sleeping in the back seat and I was rockin' to my favorite Christian station, Air1.

Then, some less than intelligent human being decided it would be a hoot and holla' to throw a flaming, spurting firework over the cliff at my van. Had there been someone in the other lane I would have plowed into them as I swerved. Or... I would have had to drive right over the top of the thing as it shot sparks at my gas tank. Choices choices.

My mom and a friend of mine were also driving home on that road and also had fireworks thrown at them. Seriously, what is wrong with people? I could hear them laughing as I drove by. I repent of the words I was tempted to yell back at them.

Thank-you Jesus for protecting my family.

Loud & Clear

The pity party IS over. (Thank you Sallye). God and I had a long talk yesterday and He ironed some things out for me. Our conversation went something along the lines of God's conversation with Job:


The LORD Speaks
Job 38:1-11 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?
Job 38:36-41Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?
Job 40:1&2 The LORD said to Job:
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!"
Job 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the LORD:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.


Yeah. That resounding crack you hear is the application of one of God's 2x4s smacking me upside the head.


I'll be honest here, one of my biggest failings is I give up when things seem impossible without ever asking or expecting God to work a miracle. When I was throwing this pity party over the weekend, I never once asked God how He was going to work things out, I just asked Him "WHY??" Despite all evidence to the contrary, more often than not, I don't expect God can do great and mighty things for me.

I've let go of a great deal of worry over the last few years, but finances still get me going every time. I have four kids who depend on me for everything and it kills me to not be able to meet their needs. It is HARD being a single mother with little hope of child support and little confidence I can support my kids on my own.

And that leads to the independence thing... :::sigh::: The problem with grad school was NEVER that God didn't intend for me to go (though I sure fell for that thought when it crept in, didn't I?). The problem was I was trying to get there on my own power.

Once God made it clear to me what His call on my life is, I took it and ran. I prayed and prayed and prayed when I was searching for direction, but once I had it my prayers were more more of a "hey, thanks for getting me started, I can get this on my own now" kind of one-sided conversation. I figured I had a call and I was good to go. I am woman! Hear me roar!

...and then crash and burn because as I was roaring I missed the huge gaping hole in front of me.

You would think I would have learned this lesson by now,right? After all, I had a very similar attitude after the first time God revealed this part of His plan for me. Thankfully my crash-and-burn was shorter and less painful this time around. Praise be to God I must have learned something.

Yes, this independence streak of mine may have cost me a semester's delay, but it isn't going to take another decade and it isn't forever. And who knows, this miracle God is working right now to produce may come in time for fall semester after all. It's time for me to sit back and let Him do it.

A Note....

...about yesterday's rant: I don't for a moment doubt that God will provide for my essential needs. I do, however doubt that I am in any way capable of hearing His voice and knowing His plan. It isn't God's fault; it's mine for rushing ahead on my own - AGAIN.

• A job is a need, and He will provide.
• Siesta Fiesta is a want... He doesn't have to provide.
• The doctor's bills are ??? I don't know, but I don't believe God intends for me to not pay them.
• The van, while convenient, really isn't a need. I can take the bus to work. God may not provide.
• Gas - well, see above. If I don't have the van, I don't need gas.
• School loans - I don't think God intend for me to default on these either.
• Grad school is... a luxury. And quite possibly never in the plan to begin with. So.

I am depressed and sad and disappointed. And yes, I know. "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" So be it.

For personal venting purposes only - this is NOT an invitation to join my pity party.

I don't know if it is a lack of faith or a reality check, but things are looking bleak financially speaking. My "steps of faith" have turned out to be straight into land mines.

1) I am sick of rejection letters (and let's be honest, I am really disappointed about that job I wanted). Apparently no one (at least no one who will pay wages I can actually support my family on) wants to take a chance on a woman with less than two years of recent work experience, especially since all of that work experience has been a handful of temporary positions.

2) It looks like I am going to have to cancel my Siesta Fiesta plans. With no job and no paychecks coming after next tuesday, I can't justify the expenses. Yes, a lot of the financing for the trip was provided for me, but if I do happen to get a job I won't be able to afford the time off at this point and I can't afford the things like transportation, food and hotel that I was going to have to pay for myself. My first priority has to be my kids, not some frivilous and entirely self-serving trip.

3) The bills from the strep monster arrived this week - almost $1,000 total, not including what I paid for prescriptions. I don't have insurance and that's about what I bring home in a month. Well, about what I USED to bring home (see #1).

4) My van is demon possessed. No, not really, it just has decided to stop cooperating with me. It turns over, the fuel pump is working fine, but the electrical system just shuts itself off and van no go bye bye. Please God, tell me where I'm going to get the money to fix it?!

5) Gas prices are killing me. I spend about a quarter of my paycheck (you know, the one I won't be getting anymore) on gas. The aforementioned demon possessed van went from getting about 20 miles a gallon to 16mpg. Ouch.

6) Half of my school loans (from my previous attempt at college) have already come due and I'm already 2 months behind. I didn't know this because the notices were going to the wrong address. The other half will come due in August (thanks to #7) and I don't know that I can find a job that will cover my living expenses and my loan payments.

7) Grad school is becomming a definite IMpossibility for many, many reasons (and these are just the financially related ones):
a) during-the-day classes - how can I work AND go to school AND get to see my kids?
b) I have to have health insurance to attend classes on campus - if I don't get it through work, I have to pay for it out of pocket (do you have any idea how much health insurance costs??).
c) I have to have a plan for financing my education before being admitted... and no, "God will provide" is not an adequate answer (apparently seminaries only teach their students to take steps of faith AFTER they graduate). Which becomes increasingly complicated due to d through f below.
d) graduate programs are not eligible for federal financial aid grants. Loans only.
e) I have just been informed that the seminary I have applied to only allows their students to reach a maximum educational debt of $40,000 between both grad AND undergrad work. Which means I can get only about $3K more in loans. The remaining $23K would have to come out of pocket (do you hear my desperately hysterical laughter??).
f) Any of the other graduate programs in my chosen field of study (that are remotely close to home) allow for unlimited debt, but would leave me with over $90K in total loans by the time I graduated (big difference between 90 and 60) AND would require I essentially take nine months off work (like I can afford that?) to complete internships.

*I was apparently extremely naive when it came to the realities of school and finances. Can you hear that door slam shut? So now what God? Was I just fooling myself after all? Was I so wrong? And if I'm wrong about God's plans for me, can I really trust anything I feel, spiritually speaking?

See how quickly I lose faith and stumble?

I'm done now.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Change is inevitable. I know this. Truly.

But I don't have to like it.

Its now officially summer vacation - which means change. I'm home. The kids are home. Oh yeah, and I'm out of a job.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I hate job-hunting. I interviewed for a job I really wanted, and it wasn't in the plan so I'm still looking. And looking. And looking.

In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kind of tanking. This is not the best time to look for a job and I'm throwing a bit of a pity party over it. Heh.

And that totally isn't what I intended to write about. Where was I?

Oh yes. Change. Change is inevitable and I don't like it. Gotcha.

I had quite a few reminders of that on Wednesday. To say it was a rough day would be the understatement of the century.

1) I just realized Wednesday that my baby girl...

... is no longer a baby. Next year my youngest child will be a kindergartener. Where did the time go? And I just know I'm going to blink and she'll be in middle school and then turn around and she's graduating high-school. My oldest - 9 yo - already has zits for pete's sake! Zits! What's next?? A driver's license?? Sheesh.

2) My job was frustrating, and I couldn't wait for it to be over... but darn it! I'm going to miss my students. I'm going to miss my co-workers. It takes me forever and a day to make friends. I'm just not very good at it. And being a single mom to four kids really limits my ability to socialize outside of work...

But I was making friends! One woman in particular - we had a lot in common - but gas prices are astronomical and she lives a good 40 minute drive from me (without traffic). Chances are we will never see each other again.

And those kids... yes, kids can be cruel and obnoxious and completely unruly. They can pester and annoy and drive you to the brink of insanity with incessant questions. Some of the kids I worked with were violent and I had the bruises to prove it. But they are also the best teachers of unconditional love, communication and trust.

They look at grown ups with eager vulnerability shining out of their eyes. They're just waiting for you to do something wonderful - and they're young enough they still believe you will. They accept you for who you are and see the best you can be, because they haven't been taught yet to expect any different.

They laugh and they cry and they hug and they heal your hurts just by being who they are. They touch you with moments of kindness and startle you into laughter with moments of randomness. They are precious.

And I'm gonna miss them.

I was so sure I wasn't. And I was wrong. Stupid change.

3) School. My school, not the one I worked at. This one hit on two fronts.

First, I have been in denial about my grief over not being in school. I know that sounds lame and a little bit melodramatic (uh, have you "met" me yet??) but school meant a lot to me.

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it was the first place that saw the new "me" emerging. It was the first place, and sometimes the only place, where I was able to see myself as a survivor rather than a victim. It was a place I felt competent and confident and a place where I was more than the sum total of what had happened to me.

It feels different somehow to be around people who have seen the amazing changes God has done in my life without having to see all of the muck that came before. Some people will never be able to see clearly what you are through their memories of what you were. That's probably why Scripture says a prophet will never be welcomed in his hometown (Luke 4:24).

Anyway, I went back to the college to drop off a recommendation form to one of my professors and it was painful. It startled me how painful it was to go back, and be there, and miss it so much.

But I have to get going on this grad school thing or it'll never happen. Which brings me to part two: Grad school.

I am scared stiff. This is big. Its huge. I have spent more time wrestling with myself/God/satan over grad school than I ever thought possible.

The master's program is another change. It didn't make me cry - thankfully, since I'd had enough of that for the day - but it sent my anxiety meter running up near to bursting. This is big (have I said that already?). This is me following God's plan... wow.

Or thisismethinkingIknowwhatGod'splanisandwhoamIkiddingwhodoIthinkIamtopresumetoknowGod'swillformylifewhenIhavescreweditupsomanytimesinthepastwhattheheckamIthinking????Ican'tdothisGoddidn'tcallmetothisIamjustfoolingmyself.

Yeah. Catch all of that? Welcome to the constant back-and-forth battle that is my life. I go through this every morning and numerous times throughout the day and its especially bad when I go to finish the application essays. God help me.

So... change is not my friend right now. I'd really like to go hide in a hole somewhere and mope about it... but alas, I am home and my kids are home. I have to be a grown-up. Phooey.

Time goes by...

My nephew graduated from high-school last night.

I only know this because my brother mentioned that one of my other brothers and my sister were in town, staying at my other sister's house. There are six of us - well, really, there are five of them from my Dad's first marriage and then there's me.

My brothers are 19, 18 and 17 years older than me and my sisters (twins) are 15 years older than me. We never lived together, and while I adored and nearly idolized my sisters we were never close. Not that I didn't want to be.

One of my sisters, for reasons I am still quite unsure of, has hated or resented or felt absolutely nothing for me at all for as long as I can remember. A couple of years before my Dad died, this sister wrote him, and by extension me, out of her life forever - told us not to contact her or her boys ever again. Her reasons are a long story, but suffice it to say it was a painful thing for my dad and a source of great bitterness for me.

I have struggled for years to forgive my sister for the way she treated our father... but time and God's mercy have erased the bitterness and rage. I miss my nephews - it has been 10 years since I saw them last. I also desperately miss FAMILY.

My other siblings cater to my sister's continued bitterness. They come to town and she asks them not to contact me so they don't - or they visit for an hour or two before running back to my sister's, looking at their watches every few minutes the whole time. I miss huge family holidays... and important milestones like my nephew's graduation.

Who'd have thought I would shed a tear over that.

Its sad really. My sister has looked to all sorts of things to fill the hole she has inside her. She married rich and has a fabulous lifestyle but she is miserable. She's church-hopped and religion-hopped and dabbled with New Age psychics to heal the myriad of hurts she carries around with her.

It used to infuriate me, and now it only makes me sad. She has every thing she could possibly want that this world has to offer, and it isn't enough. It never can be enough.

She's been on my mind for months now. I never thought I would pray for her... yet here I am, interceding for a sister I can't stop loving, even though she'd rather I not exist at all.

Cautious Optimism... or lack of faith?

Have you ever been afraid to get your hopes up?

The end of the school year, and thus the end of my temporary employment, is rapidly approaching. I hate the uncertainty and insecurity of unemployment, but even more than that, I H-A-T-E job hunting - the cover letters, the applications, the resumes, the interviews. Talking myself up is about as comfortable as walking naked through a field of stinging nettles.

I recently applied and interviewed for a position I really really want. The interview went well (I think) and for the first time in memory, I was at ease. Everything about the position seems to perfectly fit my needs - benefits, salary, hours, type of work. Just perfect.

Too perfect? Sunny optimism always seems to blow up in my face. :::sigh::: I sound cynical.

I have to admit, I'm afraid to ask God for this. If it isn't His will, the answer will be "no," and I'll feel frustrated and ashamed to have - yet again - hoped and prayed for something God did not want for me. And I'll be disappointed.

I have made a concerted effort over the last year or so to pray for God's will rather than what I want - but I want this. I really really want this. And yes, I know, I already said that. And yes, I also know He already knows how much I want this...

I am afraid to hope for this. I've had lots of wonderful and amazing ideas about what would work best for me over the years. Things never quite turn out how I want them to.

Some small voice inside me is saying, "you're going your own way again" and "your plans are never what's best for you." But where is that voice coming from? And then I think, "when did you stop believing that God wants good things for you?"

I hate the gimme!gimme! name-it-and-claim-it theology so popular in today's Churches. I don't want to be one of those people. But I also don't want to be one of those people who believes God only gives other people their righteous desires. Where is the line?

A bizarre ramble...

I hate not being married.

That may seem odd considering all of the things I've had to say about my ex-husband and decimated marriage. It seems odd to say it.

It isn't the man (and definitely not the abuse) that I miss. It isn't even anything I ever had with my ex-husband that I miss. Its the things that could have been and should have been that have me sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what I'm saying really.

He broke something in me, something so deep I don't know that it will ever truly heal. (Yes, I know, God can heal anything...) Our divorce isn't an issue of forgiveness. A lot of people don't or can't understand that and I don't have the desire or ability to explain. Some things are too private.

And now that I've gone down that rabbit trail, I realize I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the people I know who have marriages that work.

I hate not being married. I hate not being part of a greater whole - a partnership of trust and love.

I hate that there are no loving anniversary walks on the beach. No warm hands to hold in this crazy winter-in-spring weather. No strong shoulders to lean on to help me feel safe. And yes, I hate that there isn't another person in my bed to willingly share my body with.

I hate that there would never have been those things even if I'd stay married. I hate that every single happy memory I have of my marriage was ALWAYS in the shadow of fear.

More than anything, no matter how petty it makes me, I hate that I am outside this huge club of Christian women who all have one tiny bit of common ground. Over the course of the last two and a half years my married friends have all disappeared. A dear friend of mine who is a month away from her own wedding no longer speaks to me.

The friends I have left are all divorced man-hating women who seem more miserable than anything else. And because I want more than that, they are no longer speaking to me either.

I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I want the life I dreamed of and hoped for - or even a rough approximation of it. It isn't good for woman to be alone either.

West of what exactly??

I'm just getting convicted left and right lately. Think God is trying to tell me something? Lord, help me take conviction to action. Between these lessons, Bible study at church and this absolutely phenomenal women's Muslim Prayer Tea (deserves a whole post of its own) I have been pummelled with God's truth. Time to wake up and discover what it is God is pounding me into.

I love this bit: "Girls, our God is one of present-tense. There is no situation where you have ever been, are in now, or are going any time in your future where He will not prove Himself to be a current solution." God has an answer to this funk I'm in, I just need to trust Him to show it to me.

1. How current is your God? Is he up to date on all your issues or do you have old hurts you still hold behind your back?

God is current, but I'm a hoarder. I've gotten so much better at this, and God is sooo patient, but it is still a real struggle to bring absolutely everything to God. I don't know what my problem is really. I know He knows, but I still refuse to talk to Him about certain things. Maybe because I'm afraid of His response? Not that He won't forgive me - that He will... that He already has. Doesn't make sense, does it?

2. Has the enemy ever told you there are situations that are 'old news' that are better left stuffed down? Or perhaps because they were so long ago they can't possibly be affecting you now?

Oh yes. I've believed a LOT of lies like that over the years. "Go ahead Bethany, hide those little secrets. They don't matter. You don't have to deal." Yeah. Right. Nevermind that they influence my decisions and direct my behavior whether I realize it or not.

3. In the matter of established authority, does God truly reign in your life? Where are you when He calls your name?

:::sigh::: Do I really have to answer this? Does He reign? Yes. Do I fight Him every step of the way? Usually.

4. Do you ever feel God has forgotten you in your 'west side of the wilderness'?

No. Not anymore. I did for a 7+ year period of my life, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never forget me. I, on the other hand, have a serious memory problem.

5. Have you ever experienced a time of cleansing where God has illuminated and rejuvenated you? If not, do you find you are in need of this now?

Standing in the need.

Growing up STINKS!

Who'da thunk it? Five years ago if you had told me that the prospect of a summer without a visit from my stepdaughter would have me in tears I would have laughed in your face. Loudly.

For most of my marriage to her father she was a casualty of our nasty little war. He paraded her out, showered her with gifts and spent ungodly amounts of money on activities to keep her happy. I resented her... dear God how I resented her.

He treated our children and I like we were wastes of space and air while she was the pampered princess. I thought all manner of nasty, horrible things about her. I think I may have even hated her. I can only pray that it didn't show too much.

Lord, she was just a little girl and he played us against each other - and I let him. She's such a sweet thing... she deserved better.

I never once, while wrapped up in my selfishness, considered her - how she felt, what she thought, how it all effected her.

When we still lived in MD we saw her one night every other weekend. Then when we moved to OR we saw her for a few short weeks over the summer. We were not much more than strangers... and she was helpless. 3,000 miles away from the people who could protect her. Lord knows I couldn't. And didn't.

We had no land line so she couldn't call home without borrowing a cellphone. She didn't know anyone. She had to have been miserable and so so lonely. And scared. My house was living hell for me and my children, and it was all we knew. What must it have been like for her? When she came from a home where they don't even yell at each other?

When my husband was (literally) kicking me across the room because his daughter "deserved better than the trash heap of a house I managed to keep" I never once stopped resenting her long enough to consider how she must have felt to know her stepmom was being hit because she was there.

How must she have felt to know she was the only one who wasn't getting hit or yelled at and know I practically hated her for it? Did she ever wonder if someday he'd stop treating her like a princess and target her too?

Three years ago, come July, something changed. Darned if I didn't fall madly in love with the smart, witty, wonderful young woman she had become. Darned if I didn't decide she was one of my own who needed protecting instead of being one of the enemy.

And darn it all if she didn't love me back. Loved me and forgave me and swore I would always be family, even after I left her dad. She still came and stayed with me, even when my marriage was over.

Tell me, what did I do to deserve that?

And now, this lovely young lady is practically an adult. She has demands on her time and plans for her summer that leave very little room for a former stepmom and half-siblings who are 3,000 miles away. She's trying so hard. I can tell she's torn. She's trying to squeeze us in, and it may cost her all manner of fun with her friends.

So I did something that just about killed me. I told her not to try too hard. I told her we'd miss her like crazy but its ok if she can't make it.

IT ISN'T OK!

Its probably the last chance we'd have before college and life takes her on a path so far removed from a frumpy former stepmom and four kids on the West Coast. The last summer before she's thinking about dorm rooms and jobs and the big, wide-open future.

And I gave her permission not to come. Why did I do that?? I want a piece of this last bit of her childhood. I know I don't have a right to it, don't really deserve it, but Lord do I want it.

Oh the drama!

Have you ever noticed that aluminum can lids are exactly the same size as kitchen sink drains?

Probably not. These things only happen to me.

A few days ago I was merrily (dear God, don't strike me down for that lie) scraping and rinsing the dishes (seven people's worth) after the kids were in bed and all of a sudden the sink stops draining. Thinking it is food built up in the disposal I flip the switch... and flip it right back off when it makes this strange sound. And the sink does NOT drain. Panic sets in. My disposal is VITAL. I swear. It is.

Now, I'm a pretty handy person, and can fix just about everything around the house, but tearing apart an insinkerator is not exactly on my top-ten list of things to do with my Spring Break.

I reach my hand down into the murky (did I mention there are SEVEN people living in my house), food-filled water and squished around till I hit something solid.

One of my darling helpers rinsed the green bean cans for recycling just like I asked them to... but left them in the sink. One of the lids, with its nice, neat edges courtesy of my Tupperware can opener, floated down into the drain, and wouldn't you know, it was a perfect fit! Not only was the can lid blocking the drain, but when I turned on the disposal it suctioned the thing in good and tight.

Part of me is relieved -at least temporarily- because this means there's nothing actually wrong with my disposal. The other part is at a loss... how in the world do I extricate a can lid that is wedged in tighter than the security at Fort Knox?

Ok. Before you think "well, you could use a plunger" let me say that I thought of that. And there is NO WAY I am putting one of my well-used (my kids and goddaughter plug the toilets often, have I mentioned SEVEN people???) toilet plungers in my kitchen sink. ::::blelelelelele:::: I get cold slimy shivers up my back just thinking about it. Do you have any idea what lives on those things??

And because I was the only adult home with the aforementioned sleeping children a quick run to the store was out of the question. After trying a million and one things I finally pried it out by sacrificing one of my steak knives....
....
....
And discovered there was another one directly underneath.

Oh, the drama that is my life. =)

When it rains...

... it pours.

Huge bucketfulls of cold, wet, nasty, muck. And it seems like it never ends.

I don't want to go into details but basically, I did the right thing and now I'm the one under fire, and it is my family that is threatened rather than the people who should be held accountable.

I do a really good job, without any help, of heaping guilt upon myself - especially when it comes to my parenting. I was finally - finally - getting better about it. I hadn't had a really bad day for quite a while... and I guess someone decided that I was making too much progress.

Since I'm not telling myself every waking moment how horrible a person/mother I am anymore, he needed to recruit someone else to do it for me - someone with teeth and the power to pull my world out from underneath me.

I used to be so skeptical of anything that was really spiritualized. Operative words: "used to." My outlook has changed. I cannot continue to dismiss as coincidence events that appear too remarkably deliberate.

Every single time, without fail, when I have made a significant spiritual committment or breakthrough I've been hit with some kind of blow. It frightens me to admit it, but I can't help but realize that as long as I'm getting better these attacks will get worse. I know that the trials are worth it... because God says they are... but Dear Lord. Dear Lord.

I don't even know how to pray right now. All I can do is cry out and believe that God understands my heart even when I don't.