Loud & Clear

The pity party IS over. (Thank you Sallye). God and I had a long talk yesterday and He ironed some things out for me. Our conversation went something along the lines of God's conversation with Job:


The LORD Speaks
Job 38:1-11 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?
Job 38:36-41Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?
Job 40:1&2 The LORD said to Job:
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!"
Job 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the LORD:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.


Yeah. That resounding crack you hear is the application of one of God's 2x4s smacking me upside the head.


I'll be honest here, one of my biggest failings is I give up when things seem impossible without ever asking or expecting God to work a miracle. When I was throwing this pity party over the weekend, I never once asked God how He was going to work things out, I just asked Him "WHY??" Despite all evidence to the contrary, more often than not, I don't expect God can do great and mighty things for me.

I've let go of a great deal of worry over the last few years, but finances still get me going every time. I have four kids who depend on me for everything and it kills me to not be able to meet their needs. It is HARD being a single mother with little hope of child support and little confidence I can support my kids on my own.

And that leads to the independence thing... :::sigh::: The problem with grad school was NEVER that God didn't intend for me to go (though I sure fell for that thought when it crept in, didn't I?). The problem was I was trying to get there on my own power.

Once God made it clear to me what His call on my life is, I took it and ran. I prayed and prayed and prayed when I was searching for direction, but once I had it my prayers were more more of a "hey, thanks for getting me started, I can get this on my own now" kind of one-sided conversation. I figured I had a call and I was good to go. I am woman! Hear me roar!

...and then crash and burn because as I was roaring I missed the huge gaping hole in front of me.

You would think I would have learned this lesson by now,right? After all, I had a very similar attitude after the first time God revealed this part of His plan for me. Thankfully my crash-and-burn was shorter and less painful this time around. Praise be to God I must have learned something.

Yes, this independence streak of mine may have cost me a semester's delay, but it isn't going to take another decade and it isn't forever. And who knows, this miracle God is working right now to produce may come in time for fall semester after all. It's time for me to sit back and let Him do it.