Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Change is inevitable. I know this. Truly.

But I don't have to like it.

Its now officially summer vacation - which means change. I'm home. The kids are home. Oh yeah, and I'm out of a job.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I hate job-hunting. I interviewed for a job I really wanted, and it wasn't in the plan so I'm still looking. And looking. And looking.

In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kind of tanking. This is not the best time to look for a job and I'm throwing a bit of a pity party over it. Heh.

And that totally isn't what I intended to write about. Where was I?

Oh yes. Change. Change is inevitable and I don't like it. Gotcha.

I had quite a few reminders of that on Wednesday. To say it was a rough day would be the understatement of the century.

1) I just realized Wednesday that my baby girl...

... is no longer a baby. Next year my youngest child will be a kindergartener. Where did the time go? And I just know I'm going to blink and she'll be in middle school and then turn around and she's graduating high-school. My oldest - 9 yo - already has zits for pete's sake! Zits! What's next?? A driver's license?? Sheesh.

2) My job was frustrating, and I couldn't wait for it to be over... but darn it! I'm going to miss my students. I'm going to miss my co-workers. It takes me forever and a day to make friends. I'm just not very good at it. And being a single mom to four kids really limits my ability to socialize outside of work...

But I was making friends! One woman in particular - we had a lot in common - but gas prices are astronomical and she lives a good 40 minute drive from me (without traffic). Chances are we will never see each other again.

And those kids... yes, kids can be cruel and obnoxious and completely unruly. They can pester and annoy and drive you to the brink of insanity with incessant questions. Some of the kids I worked with were violent and I had the bruises to prove it. But they are also the best teachers of unconditional love, communication and trust.

They look at grown ups with eager vulnerability shining out of their eyes. They're just waiting for you to do something wonderful - and they're young enough they still believe you will. They accept you for who you are and see the best you can be, because they haven't been taught yet to expect any different.

They laugh and they cry and they hug and they heal your hurts just by being who they are. They touch you with moments of kindness and startle you into laughter with moments of randomness. They are precious.

And I'm gonna miss them.

I was so sure I wasn't. And I was wrong. Stupid change.

3) School. My school, not the one I worked at. This one hit on two fronts.

First, I have been in denial about my grief over not being in school. I know that sounds lame and a little bit melodramatic (uh, have you "met" me yet??) but school meant a lot to me.

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it was the first place that saw the new "me" emerging. It was the first place, and sometimes the only place, where I was able to see myself as a survivor rather than a victim. It was a place I felt competent and confident and a place where I was more than the sum total of what had happened to me.

It feels different somehow to be around people who have seen the amazing changes God has done in my life without having to see all of the muck that came before. Some people will never be able to see clearly what you are through their memories of what you were. That's probably why Scripture says a prophet will never be welcomed in his hometown (Luke 4:24).

Anyway, I went back to the college to drop off a recommendation form to one of my professors and it was painful. It startled me how painful it was to go back, and be there, and miss it so much.

But I have to get going on this grad school thing or it'll never happen. Which brings me to part two: Grad school.

I am scared stiff. This is big. Its huge. I have spent more time wrestling with myself/God/satan over grad school than I ever thought possible.

The master's program is another change. It didn't make me cry - thankfully, since I'd had enough of that for the day - but it sent my anxiety meter running up near to bursting. This is big (have I said that already?). This is me following God's plan... wow.

Or thisismethinkingIknowwhatGod'splanisandwhoamIkiddingwhodoIthinkIamtopresumetoknowGod'swillformylifewhenIhavescreweditupsomanytimesinthepastwhattheheckamIthinking????Ican'tdothisGoddidn'tcallmetothisIamjustfoolingmyself.

Yeah. Catch all of that? Welcome to the constant back-and-forth battle that is my life. I go through this every morning and numerous times throughout the day and its especially bad when I go to finish the application essays. God help me.

So... change is not my friend right now. I'd really like to go hide in a hole somewhere and mope about it... but alas, I am home and my kids are home. I have to be a grown-up. Phooey.