Home...

What signifies "home" to you? Home is more than just place to live, it is a place of securityand rest. Home is sometimes the only place where you can be entirely yourself. For most people, home is a house or apartment or RV or wherever they happen to keep their clothes and sleep at night.

My house is not my home. It is the same house I lived in with my husband and no amount of new paint, "new" furniture or new decor can erase the memories. I sleep on the livingroom couch because I cannot sleep in what was once my room. I tried for nearly a year, and between the accusations of being a lesbian because I have a female roomate and the nightmares, my own room is intolerable to me.

My mom's house isn't home either. It isn't my childhood home and although I love my mother very much, everything about it is foreign and I can never shake the "guest" feeling.

My church used to be the closest thing I had to home (on this earth anyway). I felt safe and I felt real there. I was given a key a year and a half ago when I took on the S.S. Director role... and I used to go there sometimes in the middle of the night to just sit in peace - to pray, to vent, to rest. I walked into the Sanctuary on Sunday mornings and it was a sanctuary.

Now it isn't. And now I have no place I can call "home." Even when I'm the only human being in the church, it doesn't feel safe. A year ago, I loved church and couldn't imagine ever leaving. Yesterday, I realized that I dread church every Sunday and seriously entertained going elsewhere.

My husband comes to my church. And he sits in the same pew, and even when I get up and move, he moves with me. He touches me before/during/after service and follows me everywhere during potlucks/fellowship times. Now he wants to be more "involved" and maybe even teach Sunday School (say WHAT?).

I walk into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings and I feel confined, restricted and sometimes downright panicked. My stress level is so high, I find myself throwing up at church almost every week. And worst of all, I have to wear this mask because it doesn't feel safe to be real.

I want to go HOME.