I'm feeling a bit random today... not rant-y (I know you're breathing a sigh of relief =), just all over the place. So if I jump from one thought to another, don't say I didn't warn you. =)
My kids are driving me nuts. Summer isn't even half over and they spend 99% of their day outside unless they've lost the priviledge and I am still having a hard time coping. The revolving door for drinks, bathroom, snacks and tattling is at the heart of it. I am about to go:
BONKERS! Totally nuts! BONKERS! No ifs ands or buts-buts! BONKERS! Someone's stealing the show... hey kids! I've gotta go go go! Things are getting out of control! Uh. Yeah. I watched waaaaaaayy too much Disney Afternoons as a tween/teen. LOL. (See I told ya I was being random). I need a job.
I am having some very vivid and somewhat disturbing dreams lately... they aren't memories, or anything nightmarish, just uncomfortable. This is part of the reason I haven't been sleeping well.
The dreams have all been centered around difficult conversations with people who I haven't really thought about or concerned myself with for a long time. They're people I've essentially forgotten and certainly don't think about.
And yet the conversations are pretty deep, and pretty important. And the dreams always start with this desperate feeling of urgency. Weird. Psycologists would say I feel unresolved or conflicted about these people (I feel an eyeroll coming on)... but how can that be when I don't think about them at all? Oh well, they're just dreams.
Speaking of feeling conflicted...
Do we ever outgrow that warm rush of pleasure that comes along with the words "I am proud of you."? Will I ever outgrow the feeling of acute embarrassment and (almost) shame at those same words?
I did something incredibly hard the other day and I was a mess of conflicting emotions. On one hand I was relieved and on the other I felt completely worn down. Then someone I look up to told me that she was proud of me and it took everything I had not to lose it. (I cry all over the place in private, but I do NOT cry around other people, not ever). I was so pleased, but at the same time ashamed.
And you know what? I am flat out sick and tired of making myself miserable all the time. How ridiculous! Someone said something nice and rather than accept the compliment, I had to waste it by thinking up reasons it couldn't or shouldn't be true.
This has got to stop. I know this isn't coming from God and isn't what God has in mind for me. Lord, I am so tired of being my own worst enemy. Help me find true humility rather than the false humility of self-deprecation.
And... there was something else I was burning to write about earlier today (well, yesterday since it is now well past midnight) and it is :::poof::: no where to be found in this brain of mine. So it will wait until tomorrow. I wonder who I'll get to talk to in dreamland tonight.
1 comment:
I have that same struggle of negative self esteem. In our Beth Moore Daniel study we did last year that was one of the lessons that really hit me because she told us that often thinking little of ourselves was still thinking of ourselves often, and it's just another form of self-absorption. Until then I really think I still had it all mixed up and was equating that to humility. I'm still a work in progress on that one!
Blessings
Michelle
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