All Buttoned Up

Last week was rough. The roughest I've had at work. EVER.

Every button that could be pushed was hammered - repeatedly. Then some of those same buttons got pushed in my personal life too. Every failing, every fear, every guilty feeling, every futile attempt to bury my hurts in all the wrong ways were shoved in my face.

And God showed me why.

One of my clients faced something heartbreaking and she turned to me because she thinks I am real - because she trusts me to care... because she knows I'm safe. She talked to me because she knew I wouldn't judge her, and knew I wouldn't try to brush her feelings under the carpet. And I thought... why me? What did I do to deserve her trust?

Another one of my clients graduated the program and she told me that no one else had ever told her it was ok to cry, or that she didn't have to be ashamed of her hurting. I told her once that she could take the power away from the people who have hurt her by using what she's been through to help others. She's decided that she's going to do whatever it takes to turn her life around so she can be a foster parent - so she can give children like her a home and be someone who shows them they are worthy of love... like I showed her. And I thought, is this me? Where did that come from?

I am humbled beyond words by these two girls. And when they saw me crying this week (different buttons), they both knew that they were more than just a job to me. And I thought, is this the why for my life? Is this when God redeems the years the locusts have eaten? Is this the moment when God shows me the good He's meant for me all along?

I'd have to say...
Yes.

Now, that isn't to say I didn't fall apart, or act a fool. That isn't to say that I handled it all well and in the most healthy way possible. And it isn't to say that I don't have miles to go on this journey. God will continue to challenge me - to press those buttons - until I give it all to Him.

And that's ok.
Because He has plans for me.