A bizarre ramble...

I hate not being married.

That may seem odd considering all of the things I've had to say about my ex-husband and decimated marriage. It seems odd to say it.

It isn't the man (and definitely not the abuse) that I miss. It isn't even anything I ever had with my ex-husband that I miss. Its the things that could have been and should have been that have me sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what I'm saying really.

He broke something in me, something so deep I don't know that it will ever truly heal. (Yes, I know, God can heal anything...) Our divorce isn't an issue of forgiveness. A lot of people don't or can't understand that and I don't have the desire or ability to explain. Some things are too private.

And now that I've gone down that rabbit trail, I realize I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the people I know who have marriages that work.

I hate not being married. I hate not being part of a greater whole - a partnership of trust and love.

I hate that there are no loving anniversary walks on the beach. No warm hands to hold in this crazy winter-in-spring weather. No strong shoulders to lean on to help me feel safe. And yes, I hate that there isn't another person in my bed to willingly share my body with.

I hate that there would never have been those things even if I'd stay married. I hate that every single happy memory I have of my marriage was ALWAYS in the shadow of fear.

More than anything, no matter how petty it makes me, I hate that I am outside this huge club of Christian women who all have one tiny bit of common ground. Over the course of the last two and a half years my married friends have all disappeared. A dear friend of mine who is a month away from her own wedding no longer speaks to me.

The friends I have left are all divorced man-hating women who seem more miserable than anything else. And because I want more than that, they are no longer speaking to me either.

I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I want the life I dreamed of and hoped for - or even a rough approximation of it. It isn't good for woman to be alone either.