1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?
Bewildered? Demoralized? Ok. Let me be honest here, right now I am living a pretty faithless life. It isn't that I don't believe with all my heart... because I do. However, I am having a hard time living in the joy of that belief. I am so confused right now... so many things that seemed so clear, aren't anymore. I can't even manage to fill out my grad-school applications. What does that say about me??
2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?
Not today, but on other days I would have to say it is contentment of the "decidedly" variety. There isn't much about my life that is dreamy, but I choose to be happy with what I have... And yes, I know the converse is true, I also choose not to be happy. So snap out of it Bethany! Heh.
3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?
Hmm... I miss school. A LOT. It was the one place where I felt as though I truly belonged - where I not only felt competant and capable but others treated me that way. I miss that feeling just as much, if not more, than I miss the learning.
And then there's church... church is supposed to be a sanctuary, right? Well, mine isn't right now. My ex-husband was not a nice man. Still isn't. But he is very very good at playing the part. Its part and parcel of the whole personality disorder gig.
A few months ago he started coming back to my church. He's a charmer... and his current plea to anyone who will listen is "I'm a totally changed man, but she won't forgive me. Pray that God will soften her heart?" And people listen... and judge... and my sanctuary isn't safe anymore.
4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?
Yes. But I choose not to answer this question too deeply because my current state of mind is one of self-recrimination and I'm going to avoid that pit for today.
5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?
Yes. See above. Though I will say, I know that God loves me, I know that He cares and I know that He has my best-interests at heart. That's a change from a few years ago. My problem today is more one of not asking for His help because I have decided I don't deserve it.
6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?
I certainly hope so.
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