Surrender...

***When I started writing this post a few days ago, I had no idea the direction it would take. Some of it might be... disturbing to you. I can only pray that you read to the end before judging me or I what I've said here.***

Surrender don' come natural to me. I'd rather fight You for somethin' I don't really want than take what You give that I need.....

I don't like giving in.

Giving in is weakness... those who can force you to give in, or ask you to give in, are cruel and want to see you suffer - because you're nothing. Insignificant. Worthless. Giving in means lying down and letting someone else take. Everyone who wants you to give in is trying to rape you in one way or another.

Even God.

That's right. That's how I saw God - as this all-powerful, all-present deity who wanted to pin me down and force something from me. And lest you think I was one of those poor, misguided "unchurched" souls who clearly didn't know any better...

I wasn't.

To paraphrase Paul: I was a Church Girl of church girls. (Philippians 3:4&5). I toed the line better than the best of them. I knew every answer, could memorize any verse and had the talk down perfect. I knew more about God than some pastors I know, and darn right I was proud of it.

I knew God loved me.

The boy who molested me for years in my baby-sitter's basement said he loved me too. Other people have loved and hurt me throughout the years. "Love" was meaningless. "Love" was pain and shame and a constant reminder of how pathetic I was.

Sure, God loved me. He wanted me to see how broken I was so that I would know how much I needed Him. He wanted me to hand myself over and let Him do whatever He wanted with me. All good things...

But not to me.

Somehow, in my desire to be in control and not give in - in my need to hold on to some part of myself that no one could take away - I warped who God is. I saw Him as a user and an abuser. When people would say, "God will use this," it wasn't a comfort. It wasn't something to rejoice in. It made me ache... made me bitter and angry and rebellious and defiant.

How dare God screw me over for His benefit!? How dare He try to break me? How dare He take anything from me? How dare He USE me!!??

Even after God met me on my dorm room floor and made me His, some small part of me felt as though I'd tried to fight Him off for as long as I could, but He was stronger. Again, a GOOD thing.

But not in the eyes of a victim. How insidious that lie is.

It has taken me years to work through the way I saw God... hard, broken, angry, lonely years. It has taken years to see God as He IS and not as Satan painted Him to be. I still have fleeting moments of panic when people say, "God will use this." I still have flashes of bitterness and defiance when someone says, "Surrender to Him."

I don't want to surrender. It don' come natural.

And maybe that's the point.

I had to come to a place of consent - a place where I could trust that I was yielding because I wanted to, not because it had been forced from me... and a place where I could trust that God wasn't looking to make me His victim. Maybe you think that road was easy, after all, He's a good God. I could tell you how painless and simple it was....

But I won't lie.
It's hard. It's scary. It's painful.

...and I've beat my head against so many walls, now I'm fallin' down, I'm fallin' on my knees...

And from this place of submission, I see a God who plans to prosper me, not to harm me... who plans to give me hope. And a future...

And peace.

So hold me, Jesus

'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory,

won't You be my Prince of peace?

(Rich Mullins)