For a little while anyway.
There's a post scheduled to publish on October 15th, but other than that, it'll be a while before you hear from me again.
I've really messed things up over the last couple of months. It seems like every time I turned around I found something else to do I could later use to beat myself over the head with. I've sinned and it left me vulnerable to being hurt. It put my family at risk. It destroyed my witness. And ultimately, it cost far more than I ever imagined.
But isn't that just like sin?
I need to come to terms with myself and with God before I can come back here.
That's all.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
32
....bits of useless information about yours truly:
1) I am a complete sci-fi freak. I mean, used-to-go-to-Star-Trek-conventions, FREAK. 90% of the fiction books on my bookshelf are from the sci-fi/fantasy genre. But I'm picky. I'm not into gore. I like action, but thrillers skirt the edge and horror is an absolute no-go. Love: Star Trek. Like: War of the Worlds. Hate: Alien. Anyway.
2) My favorite meal in the whole wide world - second only to Thanksgiving dinner - is corned beef and cabbage with potatoes and carrots. I had it only once in the entire 7 years I lived with my ex-husband. I think I've only had it two or three times since. Tragic.
3) I grew up in the Church of God (Anderson). That last bit in the parentheses is VERY important. Trust me. I majored in Religion and Christian Ministries at a Church of God (Anderson) college. I even made fun of those "crazy Baptists." Now I'm both. Crazy... and a Baptist.
4) My dad used to invent robots. Seriously. I used to think that made me really cool. Now I know it just means I come by my geekiness honestly.
5) I was a drama geek in highschool. If I wasn't acting in the school play for that quarter, I was asst. directing it... or stage managing it... or building the set. Fun stuff. Drama was my life, now my life IS drama. Not the best trade off in the world. =)
6) I have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Hello!! I did say useless information!
7) I babble when I'm nervous. Endlessly. On and on and on and on. Or I don't say anything at all. Endlessly. So... no matter what I'm doing, I'm probably nervous.
8) Did you know that "ruminating" actually means chewing the cud? As in animals with reflux re-chewing partially digested... whatever it might be (ick). You might be wondering how this little factoid is information about me. Well, in addition to being a sci-fi freak and a drama geek, I am also a word nerd. Exciting, huh?
9) I spent nearly six and a half YEARS pregnant and/or nursing. Non-stop.
10) I lived in the same house (barring college dorms) for the first 20 years of my life... I've lived in 9 houses/apartments since then. AND, I've been in my current house for 5 1/2 years now. Do the math on that one.
11) My ancestors on my mom's side of the family came to the "new world" on the Mayflower. No joke.
12) My ancestors on my dad's side of the family came to the "new world" to escape religious persecution and became slave owners... and generally not-very-nice people to anyone who was different than them (doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?). Except for my draft-dodging (Civil War) great (x2 or 3) grandfather who ran off to California and married a Native American. Oh, the scandal.
13) I've never been outside the country (except when flying over Canada on my way to Alaska).
14) I like to read. Duh. =)
15) I also like to write, and draw, and sculpt, and paint, and crochet... Not exactly very good at any of those things, but most of the time I enjoy them... except when I don't. Heh.
16) I'm only halfway through and I'm running out of things to say. Yikes. That's kind of sad since I'm usually so wordy and long-winded.
17) I've been on a whopping THREE actual dates in my entire life, pre-marriage.
18) My ex-husband was the first non-relative to give me flowers for anything other than opening night of a play I was in.
19) I love play-doh. Seriously. It does my heart good to just pop open the can... to squish it in my hands, to sniff it (my own aromatherapy)... If you ever want to buy me a present (not that you would), play-doh would be an excellent choice. I know it's weird... but I really enjoy it.
20) The first movie I ever saw in the theatre was E.T. And it scared me so badly that I hid under my seat crying (quietly) for most of the movie. I still don't like that movie.
21) My psycho-cat thinks I'm a bathtub. Ick.
22) I spent a few hours last Friday hanging out in a hospital. My 6yo with the broken arm had to go under general anesthesia so the orthopedic doc could re-break her arm (they call it a "reduction") because the bones weren't healing properly. Poor baby.
23) Excluding childbirth, I've spent more time in hospitals in the last year than I have in all the time since my oldest had his surgery at 14 months. (That would be more than 9 years ago).
24) I do not like hospitals. AT ALL.
25) I dislike hospitals so intensely that I had my youngest child at home. On purpose. Safely, naturally and a whole heck of a lot more comfortably. But your mileage may vary.
26) I'm stubborn. (I know, you're thinking, "tell me something I don't know.") This causes serious problems in my relationship with God. Especially since I am also rebellious.... Stubborn and rebellious. Not a good combination.
27) I was recently very stupid. (Part of that stubborn rebellion). I hate it when I'm stupid. I hate it even more when that stupidity comes back to bite me in the butt. Ouch. Consequences hurt. And sometimes they change everything.
28) I am really, unspeakably grateful that God forgives stupid and stubborn and rebellious. Over and over and over again. I guess He's more stubborn than I am.
29) Speaking of stubborn... when I was a child my dad told me he would buy me a triple scoop waffle cone if I could rip apart a tear-proof tyvek envelope. Then he told me I couldn't do it. Wrong answer Dad. That icecream tasted REALLY good. The envelope? Notsomuch.
30) I am a veritable fount of useless facts and information. Which means I'm really good at Trivial Pursuit.
31) I'm almost done!!! It's after 4 in the morning, but I have finally reached the end of my useless list. Woot. Wow. I can't believe you read this far.
32) I am 32 years old. Yay me.
1) I am a complete sci-fi freak. I mean, used-to-go-to-Star-Trek-conventions, FREAK. 90% of the fiction books on my bookshelf are from the sci-fi/fantasy genre. But I'm picky. I'm not into gore. I like action, but thrillers skirt the edge and horror is an absolute no-go. Love: Star Trek. Like: War of the Worlds. Hate: Alien. Anyway.
2) My favorite meal in the whole wide world - second only to Thanksgiving dinner - is corned beef and cabbage with potatoes and carrots. I had it only once in the entire 7 years I lived with my ex-husband. I think I've only had it two or three times since. Tragic.
3) I grew up in the Church of God (Anderson). That last bit in the parentheses is VERY important. Trust me. I majored in Religion and Christian Ministries at a Church of God (Anderson) college. I even made fun of those "crazy Baptists." Now I'm both. Crazy... and a Baptist.
4) My dad used to invent robots. Seriously. I used to think that made me really cool. Now I know it just means I come by my geekiness honestly.
5) I was a drama geek in highschool. If I wasn't acting in the school play for that quarter, I was asst. directing it... or stage managing it... or building the set. Fun stuff. Drama was my life, now my life IS drama. Not the best trade off in the world. =)
6) I have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Hello!! I did say useless information!
7) I babble when I'm nervous. Endlessly. On and on and on and on. Or I don't say anything at all. Endlessly. So... no matter what I'm doing, I'm probably nervous.
8) Did you know that "ruminating" actually means chewing the cud? As in animals with reflux re-chewing partially digested... whatever it might be (ick). You might be wondering how this little factoid is information about me. Well, in addition to being a sci-fi freak and a drama geek, I am also a word nerd. Exciting, huh?
9) I spent nearly six and a half YEARS pregnant and/or nursing. Non-stop.
10) I lived in the same house (barring college dorms) for the first 20 years of my life... I've lived in 9 houses/apartments since then. AND, I've been in my current house for 5 1/2 years now. Do the math on that one.
11) My ancestors on my mom's side of the family came to the "new world" on the Mayflower. No joke.
12) My ancestors on my dad's side of the family came to the "new world" to escape religious persecution and became slave owners... and generally not-very-nice people to anyone who was different than them (doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?). Except for my draft-dodging (Civil War) great (x2 or 3) grandfather who ran off to California and married a Native American. Oh, the scandal.
13) I've never been outside the country (except when flying over Canada on my way to Alaska).
14) I like to read. Duh. =)
15) I also like to write, and draw, and sculpt, and paint, and crochet... Not exactly very good at any of those things, but most of the time I enjoy them... except when I don't. Heh.
16) I'm only halfway through and I'm running out of things to say. Yikes. That's kind of sad since I'm usually so wordy and long-winded.
17) I've been on a whopping THREE actual dates in my entire life, pre-marriage.
18) My ex-husband was the first non-relative to give me flowers for anything other than opening night of a play I was in.
19) I love play-doh. Seriously. It does my heart good to just pop open the can... to squish it in my hands, to sniff it (my own aromatherapy)... If you ever want to buy me a present (not that you would), play-doh would be an excellent choice. I know it's weird... but I really enjoy it.
20) The first movie I ever saw in the theatre was E.T. And it scared me so badly that I hid under my seat crying (quietly) for most of the movie. I still don't like that movie.
21) My psycho-cat thinks I'm a bathtub. Ick.
22) I spent a few hours last Friday hanging out in a hospital. My 6yo with the broken arm had to go under general anesthesia so the orthopedic doc could re-break her arm (they call it a "reduction") because the bones weren't healing properly. Poor baby.
23) Excluding childbirth, I've spent more time in hospitals in the last year than I have in all the time since my oldest had his surgery at 14 months. (That would be more than 9 years ago).
24) I do not like hospitals. AT ALL.
25) I dislike hospitals so intensely that I had my youngest child at home. On purpose. Safely, naturally and a whole heck of a lot more comfortably. But your mileage may vary.
26) I'm stubborn. (I know, you're thinking, "tell me something I don't know.") This causes serious problems in my relationship with God. Especially since I am also rebellious.... Stubborn and rebellious. Not a good combination.
27) I was recently very stupid. (Part of that stubborn rebellion). I hate it when I'm stupid. I hate it even more when that stupidity comes back to bite me in the butt. Ouch. Consequences hurt. And sometimes they change everything.
28) I am really, unspeakably grateful that God forgives stupid and stubborn and rebellious. Over and over and over again. I guess He's more stubborn than I am.
29) Speaking of stubborn... when I was a child my dad told me he would buy me a triple scoop waffle cone if I could rip apart a tear-proof tyvek envelope. Then he told me I couldn't do it. Wrong answer Dad. That icecream tasted REALLY good. The envelope? Notsomuch.
30) I am a veritable fount of useless facts and information. Which means I'm really good at Trivial Pursuit.
31) I'm almost done!!! It's after 4 in the morning, but I have finally reached the end of my useless list. Woot. Wow. I can't believe you read this far.
32) I am 32 years old. Yay me.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Strange
It's strange for a child of God to be paralyzed by fear, isn't it?
Totally out of place.
I was recently given an amazing opportunity to allow God to fill me through the unexpected generosity of others. And rather than grasp at the opportunity to experience it fully, I went only half way.
Because I was paralyzed.
I had numerous opportunities to take a step... would get almost there, and then walk away.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Then I got up the courage to say, "I'm here."
And something amazing happened.
I sat next to a total stranger and poured out so much of my life story.
Why? I don't know.
It was totally out of character.
Sure, I reveal some of myself here but, with a couple of notable exceptions, I'll never have to face any of you on this side of heaven.
It's easier to write it down.
I don't talk to people face-to-face who I don't know, as a rule.
Never. Ever.
But something was happening there, inside of me.
And as I talked, and this precious woman listened, I began to see my life from a different perspective.
All the things that I rarely mention but so often wallow in became opportunities to see God's hand at work in my life rather than examples of my shame. The words came tumbling out of me and rather than see my life as one failure after another, it became one sign after another of God's ever-present influence, even in the darkest moments.
And I learned something important...
God doesn't always go for the dramatic.
Sometimes God changes people in an instant. Sometimes He takes away addictions and struggles and heartaches and pain in the blink of an eye.
And sometimes He doesn't.
Sometimes we have to turn to Him every day and say, "Just today Lord. Be enough just for today." And then we wake up the next day and start again.
And that's OK.
Totally out of place.
I was recently given an amazing opportunity to allow God to fill me through the unexpected generosity of others. And rather than grasp at the opportunity to experience it fully, I went only half way.
Because I was paralyzed.
I had numerous opportunities to take a step... would get almost there, and then walk away.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Then I got up the courage to say, "I'm here."
And something amazing happened.
I sat next to a total stranger and poured out so much of my life story.
Why? I don't know.
It was totally out of character.
Sure, I reveal some of myself here but, with a couple of notable exceptions, I'll never have to face any of you on this side of heaven.
It's easier to write it down.
I don't talk to people face-to-face who I don't know, as a rule.
Never. Ever.
But something was happening there, inside of me.
And as I talked, and this precious woman listened, I began to see my life from a different perspective.
All the things that I rarely mention but so often wallow in became opportunities to see God's hand at work in my life rather than examples of my shame. The words came tumbling out of me and rather than see my life as one failure after another, it became one sign after another of God's ever-present influence, even in the darkest moments.
And I learned something important...
God doesn't always go for the dramatic.
Sometimes God changes people in an instant. Sometimes He takes away addictions and struggles and heartaches and pain in the blink of an eye.
And sometimes He doesn't.
Sometimes we have to turn to Him every day and say, "Just today Lord. Be enough just for today." And then we wake up the next day and start again.
And that's OK.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Using up Today
Just a short something-to-think-about....
When I came back to work from my weekend last week, a huge poster was tacked to the wall with this message:
Things you did, things you didn't do.
Regrets. Worries. Misgivings.
I wonder sometimes if I ever really live in today.
I think I spend more time than I should thinking about the past or worrying about the future and I never really let today be today.
I also wonder if this is what happens when we refuse to forgive ourselves or each other.
Does that clinging to the wrongs of the past use up today to the point that we can't really live it?
Seems like a waste. Seems like we'd miss out on a whole lot of joy... and a whole lot of blessings.
What are you missing out on today, because you're holding on to yesterday?
When I came back to work from my weekend last week, a huge poster was tacked to the wall with this message:
Don't allow yesterday to use up too much of today. ~ Cherokee proverb.How much of your todays are used up by your yesterdays?
Things you did, things you didn't do.
Regrets. Worries. Misgivings.
I wonder sometimes if I ever really live in today.
I think I spend more time than I should thinking about the past or worrying about the future and I never really let today be today.
I also wonder if this is what happens when we refuse to forgive ourselves or each other.
Does that clinging to the wrongs of the past use up today to the point that we can't really live it?
Seems like a waste. Seems like we'd miss out on a whole lot of joy... and a whole lot of blessings.
What are you missing out on today, because you're holding on to yesterday?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Not for the squeamish...
...
Though I happen to think it's kind of cool.
Not cool that my youngest broke her arm last Wednesday... or that she was awake all night the first night crying in pain... or that her little hand is swelling up in her cast... or that it was her dominant hand and she already really struggles with her writing...
But the picture's cool.
And it's interesting that God used my daughter's brokeness to snap me out of my own.
Well. Out of it enough that I can think rationally again. Which is a very good thing.
Life is made up of breakable moments. Human life is fragile. Not only in our mortality, but also in our morality. It's so easy to fall. So easy to break.
Without the sustaining, strengthening and shatter-proof power of Christ, there isn't a single person among us who is unbreakable. When we break a bone we have to work through physical therapy to discipline our body as it heals... when we break our spirit we also need discipline.
And it isn't fun.
But it's worth it.
Though I happen to think it's kind of cool.Not cool that my youngest broke her arm last Wednesday... or that she was awake all night the first night crying in pain... or that her little hand is swelling up in her cast... or that it was her dominant hand and she already really struggles with her writing...
But the picture's cool.
And it's interesting that God used my daughter's brokeness to snap me out of my own.
Well. Out of it enough that I can think rationally again. Which is a very good thing.
Life is made up of breakable moments. Human life is fragile. Not only in our mortality, but also in our morality. It's so easy to fall. So easy to break.
Without the sustaining, strengthening and shatter-proof power of Christ, there isn't a single person among us who is unbreakable. When we break a bone we have to work through physical therapy to discipline our body as it heals... when we break our spirit we also need discipline.
And it isn't fun.
But it's worth it.
Hebrews12:11-13
11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Broken
I haven't had a lot of myself to share over the last couple of weeks... or at least not a lot I'm willing to share. Today I'm going to let Lifehouse speak for me.
I'm falling apart. There doesn't seem to be a lot more to say than that. I wish I could be better at holding on... but instead I'm just oh-so-good at throwing my hands in the air and giving up. Thank God He holds on to me even when I can't - or won't - hold on to Him.
"Broken"
The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm falling apart. There doesn't seem to be a lot more to say than that. I wish I could be better at holding on... but instead I'm just oh-so-good at throwing my hands in the air and giving up. Thank God He holds on to me even when I can't - or won't - hold on to Him.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
To my ex-husband's bride-to-be...
Dear Jennifer,
I have to admit, I'm struggling here. I'm more ambivalent than I imagined I would be. You're marrying my ex-husband. I want to ask you if you're crazy, but that wouldn't be very nice. I want to hate you, but that wouldn't be very nice either. So instead, I'll pray.
My prayer for you, as difficult as it may be for me to voice, is that your fiance is not the man he was when he was my husband.
I pray that when you talk to him, he truly listens to you.
I pray that you are a companion rather than a conquest.
I pray that he cares more about your hopes and dreams than he does about his own.
I pray that he never sees your accomplishments as competition.
I pray that the only woman he looks at, and looks to, is you.
I pray that you are never compared, except in a good way, to the other women in his life.
I pray that the words that come from his lips are kind and loving.
I pray that the only touch you know from him is sweet and gentle.
I pray he treats you like a treasure and guards your heart.
I pray that your experience is different than mine because I wouldn't wish mine on anyone.
....But if things aren't what I pray for you, I also pray that you know your worth enough to walk away. These are hard things for me to pray, because these things should have been mine. But the past is the past and there's no changing it.
I can't offer you friendship, but if you love my children and treat them well, I will give you my respect.
I have to admit, I'm struggling here. I'm more ambivalent than I imagined I would be. You're marrying my ex-husband. I want to ask you if you're crazy, but that wouldn't be very nice. I want to hate you, but that wouldn't be very nice either. So instead, I'll pray.
My prayer for you, as difficult as it may be for me to voice, is that your fiance is not the man he was when he was my husband.
I pray that when you talk to him, he truly listens to you.
I pray that you are a companion rather than a conquest.
I pray that he cares more about your hopes and dreams than he does about his own.
I pray that he never sees your accomplishments as competition.
I pray that the only woman he looks at, and looks to, is you.
I pray that you are never compared, except in a good way, to the other women in his life.
I pray that the words that come from his lips are kind and loving.
I pray that the only touch you know from him is sweet and gentle.
I pray he treats you like a treasure and guards your heart.
I pray that your experience is different than mine because I wouldn't wish mine on anyone.
....But if things aren't what I pray for you, I also pray that you know your worth enough to walk away. These are hard things for me to pray, because these things should have been mine. But the past is the past and there's no changing it.
I can't offer you friendship, but if you love my children and treat them well, I will give you my respect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)