What we think about God

This weekend I attended a conference led by Tim Brown, a pastor who heads a congregation in Clovis, CA. To say that I received a healthy dose of spiritual discipline would be an understatement akin to calling the Biblical flood a rain shower. It was powerful.

What we think about God fuels how we feel about God, which determines what we do for God.

And what we do (or don't do) for God shows the world what we truly think about Him. Scary thought, isn't it?

Two years or so ago, I wrote this post about surrender. It was all about how my thoughts about God effected my actions toward God. They were pretty disturbing thoughts... but I wasn't always aware of them. I lived them every day, reacted to them every day, but I couldn't recognize them. Or I didn't want to.

I tried and tried and tried to trust God, to be obedient to Him, to spend time with Him and give Him my all. I tried to stop cutting, stop lying, stop cursing, stop envying, stop resenting, stop stop sinning... I tried to change my behavior without ever addressing the thoughts that led to those behaviors. I didn't "take captive every thought," instead my thoughts made a captive out of me.

My God is in the business of renewing minds. Changing thoughts. Revolutionizing belief so His people can do His will and build His Kingdom.

Behavior flows out of belief, not the other way around.

Lord, today I'm asking You to renew me. Show me the thoughts that keep me inward-focused instead of Kingdom-minded and help me take them captive. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

The dimly lit path

I have a friend who has always considered faith as her chief spiritual gift - near-boasted on it, honestly. She has always gone merrily on her way through life saying, "I'm not worried, God has it under control!" Fabulous stuff. Blessed stuff. She has always felt God; seen Him moving and found joy and peace in it.

But...
Some of us don't - can't - live life that way.
Glimpses, sure. But we don't live in that all the time.
Some of us never will.

For some of us, faith isn't - can't be - a feeling.
Faith is knowing even though you don't feel it.
Faith is walking, even when the path isn't visible before you.
Faith is leaping blindly into the arms you know are there, even though all of your emotions say you are utterly alone.

For some of us.

Because some of us never feel it.
We just do. And hope - in the Biblical sense - that things will turn out exactly as God means for them to be.

Maybe it's my disorder - a function of the trauma and depression that has clouded my life. Or maybe, it's what God has planned for me. This life can prosper me too.

Some of us never have that pre-fall-like feeling of walking with God in a figurative Garden.
The Word is a lamp to our feet, barely one step ahead.
The path is lit, inch by frightening, painful inch.
And we still walk it.
We walk with Him because we know He's there - because we've stopped needing to feel Him to know Him.

For those of us who don't feel it, it can be a little annoying to listen to those who do - as they talk about life as they know it and wonder why we just can't get it in gear. Because they have Faith. It's their spiritual gift and it feels great!

Until the day comes when they don't feel God.

I imagine it's devastating - to feel something all the time, and then lose that feeling.
I imagine it's confusing, in a world where "I'm not worried, God has it under control!" is modus operandi for life.

Human nature would lead to some sort of smugness.
Human nature would revel in those people getting a taste of our experience.
"You thought you were so superior in your wonderful, emotional faith. Bet you don't feel so wonderful now."

But Christ-nature is different. Radically.

My Jesus knows what it feels like to walk in the deepest possible intimacy with God-the-Father. He is God after all.
My Jesus also knows what it's like to feel utterly alone - "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"
My Jesus knows what it's like to have the world go black and feel a void where God should be.
But He stayed on the Cross. He obeyed His Father. He yielded to His Father's will - His own will.
Because He knows God without feeling Him.

My friend is in the midst of a season of feeling bereft.
I can't tell her I know what it's like to feel lost - to lose something so deep and intimate and wonderful.

Because I don't life that life.

But I can tell her I know what it's like to not feel God.
I can tell her I know what it's like to just do without feeling.
I can remind her that if the very BEST humanity has to offer - in the person of Jesus, a carpenter of Nazareth - can feel alone, it's okay for her to feel alone too.

Walk the dimly lit path, my friend.
It isn't so bad.
It isn't so scary.
It just is.
One step ahead or a dozen, the One who lights the way is still lighting the way.

It isn't a bad way to live, it's just different.

10 years

"Where were you when...?" is the question on everyone's lips right now. It's one of those surreal moments in life where I can hear the echoes of my own voice in the questions of my children.

I remember asking my mom where she was when JFK was assassinated. I remember asking my dad what he was doing when, as a 9 year old in Podunkville eastern Oregon, he heard the news about Pearl Harbor over the radio.

I never expected to hear my children ask me the same question.

Moments in history are moments of life. A nursing baby, two toddlers in diapers, laundry to do, a kitchen to clean... just plain, ordinary moments until four planes and nearly 3,000 deaths changed history forever. All of a sudden those completely unmemorable moments are burned into your mind and become the stuff of history - the answer to "where were you?"

Life has to go on though, you know? The baby still needs nursing, the diapers still need changing, the laundry still needs doing and the house still needs cleaning. Life still has ordinary moments in the midst of great tragedy, but somehow, for a while at least, they don't seem so ordinary.

You kiss your baby's head a little longer, because his future isn't as certain as it was a few hours ago. You walk out to the trash with the full diaper pail and look at the sky, just wondering what comes next. For the first time, it crosses your mind that the meal you're about to make could be the last. Even though 99.9% of life is exactly the same, everything feels different.

Until it doesn't.

Security slowly creeps its way back in. The "new normal" is just normal. And you know what? That's ok. The best way to honor those who lost their lives is to live our own.

"Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)

It's been a while...

Hi.

I feel kind of like the wayward child returning home unannounced to Sunday dinner - only it isn't Sunday and there's no dinner to be seen.

And I'm thinkin' the resounding silence of the last 9 months means the house is empty and there isn't anyone sitting at the table either.

That's ok. Really.

I started blogging for me - because I wanted to have a voice that was public, even if I was speaking to an audience of one. I stopped blogging for me too - because I needed to find a different kind of voice; one that doesn't hide behind a computer screen or a piece of paper to speak the truth about my life.

I needed to find a way to say things while looking someone in the eye. Happy things. Hard things. Hopeful things. Hellish things. Heavenly things. I needed to say them. To acknowledge them and to see them reflected back at me without judgment, shame or (heaven forbid) pity.

I'm learning to do that. I'm learning to trust people enough to do that.

So here I am, back at my keyboard, back at my blog... for me.
God alone knows where this is going.

Obedience

What does it really mean to “Trust and Obey?”
I recently found out.

God has graced me with a job I love; one that allows me to use my past experiences to make a difference in the lives of hurting young people. I’ve been there for over two years and it has been the most difficult and most amazing work I’ve ever done. I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

Recently I was offered a promotion to shift supervisor. To be honest, I really didn’t want it. The current shift supervisor is over-worked, under-appreciated and she was suffering for it. I knew, almost instantly, that this wasn’t God’s plan for me and it was easy to say, “no thank you.”

Days later, a brand-new position opened up. I’d heard whispers about this position for the last year and ever since the very first hint, I wanted it. Desperately. When the position was finally posted, I jumped at the chance to apply. I’ve been doing a lot of the work already and thriving on it. It came with a pay raise and would be an excellent selling point on my grad. school application. And did I mention I really wanted it? This was absolutely the right job for me.

The only catch? I’d have to work Sunday mornings.

Now, I knew that this wasn’t an option. I knew where God wanted me on Sunday morning, and it wasn’t at work. Through other very clear, very obvious messages, God let me know that I needed to say, “no thank you” again. Only this time, I didn’t want to. I argued with God about this for days. I tried refusing. I tried begging. I tried bargaining.

Over and over again I heard God tell me, “Say no, Bethany. Trust me. Obey me.”

I went along my merry way, ignoring God and the sick feeling in my stomach that came from knowing I wasn’t following God’s plan. Surely God wanted this job for me? Surely He wanted me to get a raise? I found myself thinking, if God really doesn’t want me to have this job, He’ll make sure they choose someone else. At the eleventh hour, God told me, yet again, “Say no Bethany!”

I broke.

My God has shown me over and over and over again that He will do what He has promised and that His plan for my life is better than mine could ever be. He has shown me that He will orchestrate every movement of my life and that I can trust Him. So I did.

I walked into my program manager’s office, mere minutes before she was going to make the final decision. I sat down with her and told her I was going to make her decision easy. I said, “No thank you,” and told her why.

And then God provided my own little ram in the thicket.

My program manager told me that from the very beginning the job was mine; they just had to do things properly. She then said that she knew how important church was to me and she was waiting for me to say so. She handed me two job offers. One was for a Sunday through Thursday shift, the other was for a Tuesday through Saturday shift. She'd gotten approval to offer me either of them. All I had to do was ask.

All I had to do was obey.

Had I not gone to her, I would have still gotten the job, and I would have gone to work every Sunday morning knowing that I was being unfaithful. I would have gotten that pay increase, and every extra penny would have been a reminder of my disobedience.

Instead, I acted out of obedience and things snapped into place. God asked me to give up something I really wanted, and He gave me something better.

Amen.

The last two months...

So I took an unintentional hiatus from blogging. ::sigh::
I haven't felt much like writing I guess.

What have I been up to the last two months?

* On the 23rd of September I was involved in a physical intervention (restraint/hold/whatever you want to call it) with a client. This client struggled a lot and at some point during the hold I slipped or stepped wrong and tore a ligament in my ankle. I just returned to work this week after 8 weeks of light duty.



There were a lot of blessings in this time of rest - I've had some wonderful, in depth conversations with my program manager and some co-workers; conversations I could never have on the milieu side of the street. From a work standpoint I have (not intentionally) come to the attention of the higher-ups and they all have positive things to say about me. This feels good.

Not being in the milieu did NOT feel good. I take a lot of pride in my job. I love what I do and I'm good at it. Though not quite a healthy approach, I've defined a lot of my worth based on my ability to do my job well. I feel confident and competant in the milieu and there aren't a lot of other situations or settings where that is true. I'm still working out what God had to teach me in this... it's coming to me slowly. I was resistant to the teachable moment for a long time.


* My trauma recovery therapy has gotten a LOT more intense. Every time I talk about treatment, I say, "its getting really hard." And every time I talk about it, it really is getting harder. I'm more prepared for it - most of the time - and I still sometimes just want to quit. There's a lot of yucky stuff to face.

:::: let me step up on a tangential soap box for a moment ::::

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people - both online and in real life - being really judgmental of people who struggle with depression, PTSD and various & assundry other mental disorders. I've heard things like: "If they just had more faith," or "if they just prayed harder," or "The Holy Spirit is the only counselor anyone should need." But worst of all are comments like, "if you can't get over it, you're living in sin by damaging your witness for Christ."

Ok, so there's some grains of truth in all of those, but God has gifted us with people who are called to help others recover from past experiences. The reality is, faith is hard, prayer is hard, trusting the Holy Spirit is hard, and being an effective witness is HARD when you are suffering. My friends, LIVING is hard when you have a mental illness. But there's a difference between refusing to change and struggling to change.

Some people want to make it into a solely spiritual problem. It isn't. That's like telling a diabetic that if they were right with God, they wouldn't have trouble controlling their bloodsugars. Legalism at it's worst.

:::: moving on :::: Where was I anyway? Oh yes, the last two months.

*I've been having some significant struggles with my oldest son. I just don't know what to do. He needs a Godly father(figure). My boys need someone to show them how to be strong Christian men and my daughters need someone to show them how men should treat women.

But me, the woman with more baggage than a 747 cargo hold? Being open to a relationship? BLEH!!! Lord, just let the men in the church take them under their wings and leave me out of it!

So that's my life in a nutshell. God has done and is doing some amazing work in me, but I don't have the words to put it down on "paper" yet. Someday.

Something wonderful...

I saw something wonderful today... God did many things wonderful today.

First, I was able to handle my oldest son without yelling or saying things I shouldn't. God just settled on me and gave me a calm voice and a quiet spirit. You have no idea how much I've struggled with this over the last few months.

Then, as I pulled up to church, I saw a car that I never expected to see at church again. A friend, who swore she'd never return to our church because she was held accountable for her choices, had come to church. That's a miracle - a huge one. God's starting something amazing in her.

And He's done some amazing things in our church body too. We're really starting to get - and live out - what sharing God's love really means. The same young woman try to leave the service quietly and sneak out so people couldn't talk to her. Instead of allowing it, two older women who have been known to be gossips in the past, stopped her and gave her a hug. One of them ran after her, told her she loved her and held her as she cried. Another miracle.

Would I have liked to be one of those huggers? Yes. But maybe it was better for her to receive that love from a source she wouldn't normally expect.

And God.

God's doing some pretty amazing things in me too. I don't know how, yet, to put all the words on it, but my life is changing. I love what God's doing. I even love the hard things He's allowed in my life.... in the past 9 months, in the past year, in the past two years, in the past decade plus. Lots of little trees make a big forest. I'm finally starting to see it.