Secrets and shame

What if we didn't have secrets?

2 Corinthians 4
1 Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2 Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.


7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.


13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b] Since we have that same spirit of[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.


16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

What if we didn't have secrets?
I'm not talking about whispered grade-school crushes or surprises under the Christmas tree... Those secrets are part of the joys of life, they do not steal life away.

What if we didn't have secrets?
What if children - all children - had a voice and someone they could trust so they could speak of the horrors they've experienced rather than hiding them?
What if teenagers had something other than a razor blade or drugs or promiscuity to express the guilt and shame they feel?
What if women didn't cover up bruises and make excuses rather than admit their husband is beating them?

What if we didn't have secrets?
What if we could - safely - be transparent with each other about our struggles, our sins and our pain?
What if each and every one of us could truly renounce our "secret and shameful ways" before God and each other without fear of pity or condemnation?
What if we felt free to say, "I'm hurting," "My marriage is falling apart," "I'm struggling with pornography," "I had an abortion," "I was raped by my boyfriend," "I'm addicted to meth."?

What kind of world would we live in if Christians "let light shine out of darkness" and cleared out all of those deadly-secret places in the human soul? What kind of ministry would we have if we were not ashamed of our past, but rather delighted in the redemption God brings to our broken lives?

What if we, as Christians, refused to believe the lies "the god of this age" tells us?

"You're not good enough."

"You haven't really been forgiven."

"You'll never truly be free."

"God doesn't really want you, doesn't love you, won't save you..."

We cannot be crushed, struck down or destroyed by our secrets if we refuse to carry them.
We will not despair if we fix our eyes on the glory of God instead of our past shame.
We will not lose heart if we understand that yesterday's troubles, and today's troubles, aren't meant to defeat us, but to glorify our Creator.
We will never, EVER be abandoned.

What if you didn't have secrets?

Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
~PILLAR

Heavy

I want to tell you a story...

My friend is the youngest in a family that she readily admits is as dysfunctional as it gets. In this family are two brothers and two sisters. The two sisters - one born out of abuse and the other born into it - are solid Christians. The two brothers - who were the light in their mother's eyes - took paths away from God.

Six years ago, an 18 year old young man - son of the oldest sister - was so overcome with despair that he believed his only choice was at the end of a gun. His parents, younger brother and extended family were devastated. As the family gathered to mourn, something unspeakable came to light. And out of one young man's suicide three children were rescued from abuse and near death from starvation.

God redeems even the ugliest of circumstances. Those three children are happy, healthy and trust in the LORD for their salvation.

The sisters' faith grew, one brother questioned everything and the other was cast out for his choices. The matriarch of the family started reading the Bible. Different paths. Life goes on.

Flash forward to this weekend. The second son of the older sister spent the last six years on a spiral of destruction. It ended in the wee hours of Saturday morning. He drank until he passed out Friday night... and never woke up.

Two sons lost. Two sons buried.
God will redeem this too. 
His aunt believes it... somewhere, out of the pain, his mom will believe it too.
Eventually.

How do you go to bed one night awash with thankfulness for family and then go to bed the next night awash with grief for a family broken forever? How do you wake up the next day?

With a heavy heart.
And hope for redemption?

Beyond the PAIL.

Today is a day of remembrance for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss (p.a.i.l.).

I warn you, I'm cheating a little today by re-posting something from two years ago, but it applies as much today as it did then. You can read the full post here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no grief that can compare to losing a baby.

One day you're holding your rounded belly and laughing at each nudge and kick. Then before you know it, your belly is ominously silent. What was once full of hope and dreams is terrifyingly empty.

There's a hollow place there that's more than an empty womb.

It's an empty life.

It's empty arms... an empty cradle... and an empty heart.

It's the first bath, first smile, first laugh, first crawl, first tooth, first birthday, first step, first day of school, first report card, first crush, first date, first dance, first kiss, first love, first grandchild.... all those firsts that never come.

It's the hollow under the Christmas tree where presents should have been.
It's the birthdays you can't celebrate or even acknowledge because people forget.
It's the closet you clean out, the toys you box up, the furniture you pack away and the gifts you return.
It's the memories you don't have, because you never had the chance to make any.
It's the faith that seems irreparably shaken by a God who takes away what He's given.
It's the dreams that died and the hopes you mourn.

Ten and a half years ago I sat in the front pew of my church as a little white casket was carried to the front and the pastor said something I'm sure was poignant and meaningful - I didn't hear a word he said. I shook hands and accepted hugs and flowers and food from well-meaning people - I didn't see a single face. I stood in a cemetery next to a tiny grave on a February afternoon - I didn't feel the cold.

I stood there as my mom patted me on the back and said, "It's ok. It's ok" All the while, I wanted to scream,

"IT IS NOT OK!!!"

Because it isn't ok. It is never ok to bury a child.

Sure, the grief gets lighter and the days stop blurring and one morning you will wake up and you won't immediately be reminded of your loss. Eventually you'll get through a whole day without weeping... then a week... a month. I haven't yet made it a whole year, but maybe some people get there eventually.

You see, the grief never really goes away, but whether we like it or not, life goes on. There's always a new day and another step to take. We keep doing what we have to do, no matter how hard, until it becomes easy again.

If you've recently lost a baby, I am so sorry. But I promise you, the day will come when you can breathe again. The day will come when you can dream and laugh and hope again.

Until that day... cry my friend, my sister. Weep and mourn and rage at the terrible unfairness of life in a fallen world. Sob alone into your pillow or in a crowd of people. Beat your fists against the wall and cry out your anger and pain to the God you wish had spared your baby.

He can take it.
He understands.
He lost a son too.

Mourn beloved. Because there will be a morning.
I promise.
~~~~~~~~~

Women in our world are hurting - perhaps you're one of them - and we are called to the least of these.


My challenge to you:
Go to someone you know who has experienced a loss and tell them that you remember - and that God remembers too.


Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matt 5:4)

Bitter

Bitterness... it has absolutely no place in Kingdom thinking, but it's so hard to overcome, isn't it?

I found out on Tuesday that I have essentially been demoted.

I work at a residential treatment facility that provides culturally relevant care to Native American teenagers. I serve both as direct line staff and as the program's case manager. I'm passionate about the work I do and I love my job. However, in June I was seriously injured (second time in a year) during a series of physical restraints with clients. Despite months of physical therapy, it looks as though I will not be able to return to full duties in the milieu (meaning every day treatment with the kids).

Recently, the powers that be decided that my case management duties should be melded into a "clinical liaison" position which includes running therapy groups under the supervision of the therapists and working even more closely with the community supports for our clients. I was thrilled. This is the kind of work I want to do as I move toward graduate school.

I had to apply for the position, but I (foolishly) assumed that I would be the ideal candidate.

Assumptions.

I waited and waited for word, and when I finally received it, it was that I am "not qualified" to do a job I've been doing for over a year. But... I'm qualified enough, and expected, to train the person replacing me and continue fulfilling the case management duties while said person is trained on the other aspects of the position. And then go back to being a direct line staff, with the resultant cut in pay, answering to supervisors I trained, doing work my body may not be able to handle anymore.

Say what?
The powers that be don't call it a demotion. But it is. I'm being demoted through absolutely no fault of my own - simply because someone decided someone with a Master's degree could do it better.

I can feel the bitterness roaring in and taking over as I type.
How do I do this?
How can I possibly show Christ to the person who "took" my job when all I really want to do is shred all of my work and say, "I refuse to help you."?
I don't want to think about the Kingdom.
I want to think about myself and what I've lost.
I want to tantrum and pout.

And that'll change.
I hope?

Poor Me

I'm coming out of the chaos that is my life for a few minutes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: October is a really hard month for me.

Maybe writing isn't a wise thing on my part... but maybe not.
Who says that you can't be Kingdom-minded when you're in the midst of your own personal storm?

Is it hard? Absolutely.
Everything about my life right now screams at me to focus on my own hurt and my own misery. It's like there's a huge neon sign hanging over my past flashing "Look at me!"

But the Kingdom of God is build upon the redeemed pieces of broken lives - made new and whole by the blood of the Lamb.
Do you hear me?
Our God chooses the poor in spirit to build His Kingdom.
He chooses the hurting, the weak and the broken... because His power is made perfect in our weakness.

Tonight

This evening, my kids and I went, as we always do, to a friend's house for pizza, movies and games. Typical Saturday night. An adorable two year old crushing on my 12 year old son. An awkward husband fluttering on  the edges of half-a-dozen women. Three sets of sisters snapping and loving all at once. Silliness, laughter and way too much junk food.

But in the midst of the ordinary was a Kingdom moment.

Have you ever looked at someone with a slight air of superiority and just assumed that they would never really get it together? That they would always be a little less mature, devoted, respectable than the average church-goer? Assumptions really do make a fool out of you.

She was one of those people we so readily dismiss.

In the midst of the frenetic energy of the night, she leaned in with a big smile on her face and said, "I've been listening to Jesus music all week!" She usually listens to the trashy party music that is rotting away the airwaves.

A few minutes later she said that she was also working on the things that come out of her mouth. She's usually throwing out a few F-bombs and not the least bit ashamed of it.

She said that she'd decided that God deserved more of her life than she'd given Him.

That was it. The end of the conversation.
And yet, what could be more profound?

God deserves more of our life than we've given Him.
She's ready to change that... are you? 

All things

"...whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31
What does that really mean?

One cannot be Kingdom-minded without being utterly devoted to the King.

If you're anything like me, and most Christians are, you have the "God things" in your life (church, prayer time, Christian music, Bible study)... and then there's everything else. And yet Scripture shows us over and over again, that everything should be "God things" and there shouldn't be room for anything else.

I'm not saying you have to spend every waking moment in church, singing worship songs and making a career out of vocational ministry. Don't mistake me here. You don't have to pastor a church or be a missionary in Africa to be on mission for God. Some are called to be pastors and evangelists, others are not. (It really is ok if you aren't).

What I am saying though, is that the King and His Kingdom should not be an afterthought in our lives. 

I want to wake up and breathe in my Creator. I want to see Him, smell Him, hear Him and speak Him in all things. And more than that, I want people to know Him by looking at me.

But to do that, I have to let go of those things I hold back from God. More than that, I have to let go of those things I hold instead of God.

Isn't that a tall order?