Caught

I have not been able to get this song out of my head.

It used to be one of my absolute favorites once upon a time and then it kind of slipped from memory. I hadn't heard it or even thought about it for a very long time. And today... here it is.

The Love of God ~ Rich Mullins

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

See, today I spent nearly an hour curled up in a ball underneath the piano (long story) in our church sanctuary. Today I had a long-postponed and much-needed appointment with my Savior.

It's no surprise to anyone that I've had a rough few months, and it probably wouldn't be much of a surprise to know that through it all I have been stubborn, rebellious and downright peevish about just about everything.

I'm just sick of it.

But instead of doing something constructive with my frustration - you know, like take it to God and stand against the Enemy - I've been wallowing in it. I do that so well.

Somewhere along the way I decided that since I couldn't feel or hear God, He didn't need to hear from me. I prayed for friends and family and church, but when it came down to having a personal conversation with my Creator... I slammed the door to my heart in His face. I told God I didn't trust Him with it.

Yeah, ok, so I'm cringeing as I write this. Good thing I am loved by a merciful God.

So today... I don't know why I got in my van and drove to the church. I don't know why I crawled under the piano. I don't know what I expected when I first walked through those doors... but I certainly didn't expect what I got.

I haven't cried real, deep-from-the-bottom-of-my-soul tears in a long time. Angry tears, miserable tears, lonely tears - sure, I've cried those. But I haven't really purged. I haven't cried the tears of letting go.

I have never said the words I spoke today - I've never even allowed myself to think them. They came from the depths of me, and I had no idea I felt that way. If the pastor hadn't been down the hall I would have screamed them, or sobbed them... but somehow the whisper worked just as well. Maybe better.

And somehow... I found myself caught in the reckless, raging fury that they call the love of God. And maybe, I found myself surrendering.

I wish I could say it was like a light came down from heaven - an overwhelming flood of emotion that wiped away every hard thing in my life. I wish... but if I said that, I'd be lying.

I'm still frustrated and hurting. I'm still confused by everything that life has thrown at me, and I still wish my personal journey could take another - easier! - path.
I still don't feel God... but I know Him, and I want Him.
Now, I guess it is time to live for Him.

One choice at a time.

1st & 15th - Be Sure

2 Peter 1:2-11 (New International Version)

2Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of
Jesus our Lord.
3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and
godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and
goodness.
4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so
that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the
corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and
to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control,
perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep
you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus
Christ.
9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has
forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and
election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,
11and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ.

Be sure.

Because the alternative is ineffectiveness and unproductiveness - and do you know what that means? Lost people we aren't reaching because we don't remember we've been forgiven and lose sight of our faith.

By "we" I mean "I".

Don't have a lot more to say than that.

Trust

I'm sure you'd agree, there are many degrees of trust.

There are people you trust with your pets, people you trust with your children, people you trust with your darkest secrets, people who you trust to do absolutely anything for you... and then there are the people who you trust to do the right thing - the best thing - no matter what.

These are the people who love you enough NOT to say, "there, there" when what you really need to hear is "Stop!" These are the people who threaten to shake up your secure little world because what you call "safe" is more accurately called "sin." These are the people who will tell you the truth, no matter how badly the truth hurts.

There is never a doubt in your mind that these people are trustworthy. There is never a doubt that they love you. And yet...

Sometimes we don't want to be friends with those people.
Sometimes we don't want those people involved in our lives.

Because sometimes it is easier to have people in your life who are only concerned with making you feel better and keeping you happy. And we all like the easy road, right?

Only... sometimes being happy gets in the way of being holy.

So we're left with a choice, do we seek out the people we trust to do absolutely anything, or the people we trust absolutely?

Who do you choose?

Braindead

First I want to say "Hi" and "thank you!" to all the ladies who came to me via MckMama and her fabulous blog. I won this beautiful hand-made doll because I came up with a caption for one of her many amazing photographs of her family. I've had more blog traffic in the last three days than I've had in the last year. Seriously.

And this segues nicely into my topic for the day.

See, I came up with the caption "so quiet now contracts, bluetooth go to sleep; 'cause I'm holding my babies and babies don't keep," only... I didn't remember doing it! Ha.

When MckMama posted the winning caption I thought, "oh, that's so perfect! That poem is exactly what I thought when I saw the picture!" Umm... yeah. Maybe because is really is EXACTLY what I thought. Duh.

I swear I'm braindead.

I just can't think any more. And to make matters worse, I'm irrational, emotional and over all out of control. My brain just isn't working the way it should be.

Considering the last couple months of my life, this is a bit concerning for me. But c'mon... I have to admit it is kind of amusing too.

Me: Keziah, where'd you put my keys after you opened the door?
Keziah: I gave them to you.
Me (annoyed): No you did not. You put them down somewhere.
Keziah (also annoyed): Yes. I. Did.
Me: Don't take that tone with me. Where are my keys?
Keziah: They're in your hand mom.

Oh. Sheesh.

Why can't they stay little?

He's so cute, isn't he? So sweet, so innocent. :::sigh::: Why can't they stay that way?

This is my youngest son about 6 years ago. Today he's still cute, but the sweet and innocent are harder to come by. I have no idea what I'm going to do with him.

I don't have a favorite child, but of all of them, he is the one I've had the easiest time connecting with. We speak the same love languages I guess. We think alike in a lot of ways and I usually understand him better than the others.

But right now I haven't a clue what's going on in his little head.

In the last two months I've had at least four calls home from the school for various offenses - swearing, fighting, disrespect to the bus driver, inappropriate drawings... He's SEVEN for heaven's sake! Where did my Jonathan go?

I don't know what to do here. I'm not very good at this parenting thing, and clearly I don't know what it's like to be a boy. It seems like I'm always over-reacting or under-reacting and nothing I've tried changes a thing.

I know he can do better than this.

One thing about motherhood... it keeps you on your knees.

uhhhh....

Getting back into blogging is harder than I expected it to be.

I just don't feel like it.

I'm extremely long-winded so it isn't as if I don't have any words... I just don't have any words worth sharing.

So. Clearly this is going to be a very short post. Lack of words and all.

I'm doing ok, the kids are good. Life is chaos (when isn't it?). I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last.... well, decade at least, if I'm going to be honest. I'm finally 100% divorced. My "cozy" existence recently went to Heck in a handbasket and took me along for the ride. I think it's better now...? Hmm... anything else?

Not really.

I'll be back later, when I have something to say.

1st & 15th ~ Hope and Gall

Lamentations 3:17-26

My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."
Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I will hope in Him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

If ever the story of my life was wrapped up in scripture, this would be it. Over the last two weeks I have thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to share this story with you.

Some people are going to wonder why I'm writing this. Some people are going to think it's foolish to be this real. Some people are going to think I'm attention-seeking. Some people are going to question my sanity. Some people are going to judge. That's ok.

There isn't a human being on this planet that can judge me more harshly than I judge myself. I can take it.

After church on February 1st I was driving down a winding stretch of highway with a cliff face on one side and a river on the other. For reasons I can't explain and have no words to express, I took off my seatbelt, floored the gas pedal until I was going over 100 mph and had every intention of driving myself straight into the cliff wall.

It was an impulse, in part brought on by a severe side-effect to an anti-depressant I started taking two weeks before. It was an impulse that took only seconds to act out, and only seconds to stop. Another car came around the bend and immediately I knew I didn't want to take someone else out with me. Microseconds after that, I remembered my children and knew I couldn't leave them this way.

Seconds. My life hinged on a few ticks of the clock.

The next day I called my therapist and we decided the safest place for me would be the hospital. I hate hospitals and the anxiety they trigger in me is nearly debilitating - I chose to have my fourth child at home, on purpose, because of it. In all the world, there is no place I'd rather NOT be.

But I went.

Because the next time... there might not have been another car on the road. The next time, I might not have remembered my children. That possibility was unacceptable.

Friends, I tell you, there are genuine Christians who experience genuine despair. There are children of the Most High who endure the life they have been given only by holding on to the hope of heaven. Even Christians sometimes want to die more than they want to live... and some will act on it.

I could be ashamed of what I did. I could be ashamed of the illness that led to the need for medication and the medication that brought me to the point of suicide. I could be - and I was. But not any more. What do I have to hide - the fact that I needed help? or the fact that I asked for it?

Whether it was strength or desperation that walked me through those hospital doors, I got the help I needed. I had 48 hours away from the stressors of life to think, to breathe and to pray. I have new medication and a plan to stay healthy and safe. More important than any of that, I have hope.

I have forgotten what happiness is, and in the weeks following my hospital stay I have begun to question whether or not I will ever fully remember. Sometimes it seems as though my life on this earth will continue to be one crisis after another until I die.

And maybe that's ok.

Because I have hope. Not hope that this life will get better, but hope that God has plans for me that will make every moment of my life a testimony to His goodness and faithfulness in the midst of suffering - hope that I can be joyful, even when I am not happy.

I'm reading an interesting and painful book called Shattered Dreams that is slowly changing my expectations of God's mercy. I've never taken this long to read anything, but I can't swallow more than a chapter at a time. It is often a very bitter pill and if the book belonged to me, I'd throw it across the room - only to run and pick it up again the next day.

Hope isn't always what we expect it to be, but it is always available to us if we are willing to accept that God's ways are not our own.