Again

Well. I'm back. Miss me?

I'd like to be able to say I'm returning to the blog because I'm on a spiritual high - that I met with God in a powerful mountain-top experience that has left me feeling completely recharged and full of the Spirit. Wouldn't that be nice?

Maybe.

I'm not a fan of mountain-top experiences. I've had many of them - but they never last. Maybe it's through my own failings rather than the fault of the experience, but I always come crashing back to earth. And let me tell you, the let-down is awful. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. Maybe, if I just had more faith I could maintain that bliss forever.

Maybe.
But not today.

Because I'm not coming back to the blog on a spiritual high. I'm coming back on my knees... where I should have been all along.

Over the last three months I've jumped head-long into disaster. It didn't "just happen," it wasn't a "mistake" - it was deliberate. I can make all the excuses in the world, but I knew what I was doing was wrong and I did it anyway... is there any truer description for sin?

I stopped reaching for God... but He never stopped reaching for me.

So here I am on my knees - tired, broken and very, very sad. But I'm ok. I can't stand right now, but I can't fall either. Not a bad place to be.

I think I'm going to stay here a while.

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again
~FlyLeaf, Again