I don't know.

Deep down, those three words (well, four if you want to get technical) terrify me.
I pride myself in knowing.

I'm smart.
Ok, more than that... my intelligence is the only thing in myself that I have never questioned. Mensa-level-IQ and all. Whoopdie do. It's my secret arrogance. (Ok, maybe not so secret).

I have no problem saying, "I don't know, but I can find out."
That's easy, because I learn like breathing.
I like learning new information. I'm good at it.

Only sometimes, some answers can't come from a book or off the internet. They have to come from inside you... and being "smart" rarely helps.

So saying "I don't know" and actually meaning it?
Says a lot.
Hurts a lot.
Costs a lot.

Because most of the time I say, "I don't know" because I'm too lazy to go look it up, or because I don't want to talk about it, or because it's easier to deflect by pretending ignorance. Rarely because I truly don't know and don't know how to figure it out.

I've been asked a lot of really HARD questions lately... and I haven't had the answers - haven't been able to find them on my own. It's left me feeling a bit... shaken. Even if I don't do or feel the most reasonable, rational, cognitively sound thing, I usually know what that thing is.

Except lately I don't.
It's unsettling when I don't know.
It's terrifying.

I don't know (haha) where this post is leading, so I'm going to have to come back to it later.

200

200 words in honor of my 200th post:

morning * fear * calling * joy * hope * freedom * purpose * contentment * grace * afraid * Beyond * Christian * fair * tired * good * Christ * random * heart * life * church * Spirit * crazy * faith * home * move * clean * abortion * suicide * come * safe * healing * died * caught * waiting * time * hospital * little * patient * chance * stubborn * harsh * Bible * plan * blah * hates * Lord * whining * wonder * blessed * Jesus * funk * mercies * divorce * strange * prayer * sick * foolish * today * why * walking * jealous * work * hurts * talk * thankful * love * exhausted * threw * small * broken * sorry * books * chaos * light * regret * lesson * saga * surrender * secrets * trying * fix * caring * marriage * miserable * abused * cost * carried * seeking * crisis * rebellious * cutting * trouble * violent * petulant * reckless * happy * blood * frustrating * ugh * finish * this * guarded * quiet * disappointment * days * nights * abandoned * please * treat * missed * together * directed * miracle * knees * believe * treasure * open * past * feel * hands * mom * again * air * Father * glory * seven * choose * breathe * true * grumpy * trial * venting * thought * child * rational * testing * sad * weak * amazing * years * worthless * growth * faithful * great * food * song * marked * air * kids * help * pain * despair * stress * time * coward * noticed * need * Beloved * small * season * filled * overcoming * sleep * connection * dad * fed * lost * wonder * daughter * suffered * pen * helpless * restraint * whatever * confession * Cross * disaster * conflict * facing * forgive * crashing * hollow * strange * loophole * tragic * drama * dreams * seriously * rant * Moment * school * gossip * paralyzed * listened * radical * promise * community * stop * challenge * way

Today is...

National Clean Off Your Desk Day!!!

So, what do you do if you don't have a desk?
Clean off your computer desktop! =)
That pesky "you have unused icons on your desktop" message seems to come up almost every day now. I really should get rid of the things I don't use. Unfortunately I'm an even worse packrat on my computer than I am in my home.

Of course, I'd much rather it was January 8th, which was Bubble Bath Day.
I still don't have a tub I can take a bath in, but it's a pretty dream. Lots and lots of bubbles, HOT HOT water, maybe candles... a good book... and QUIET! Ahhhhh. Bliss.

January 18th, which is Thesaurus Day, also sounds pretty good. I'm a walking Thesaurus so it's Bethany Day! Ha. I love words. Words have power. Words make me feel better.

I think I need a vacation, I'm losing it. =)

Contentment & Change

Do you have to like life, or a certain set of circumstances, to be a "Good Christian?"

Can you accept that life is what it is AND want to change it, without being discontent?
What does contentment - in a Christian context - really mean, anyway?

I think contentment is one of the concepts I struggle with the most.

I understand not being greedy, envious, anxious or worried (ok, those last two are hard for me)... but being satisfied with the way things are? It doesn't make sense to me.

Being dissatisfied often leads to change. Change is good. Change requires some measure of discontent or there wouldn't be a desire to change. God wants us to change, right? In positive, healthy and spiritually beneficial ways?

I could go 'round and 'round with questions.
That isn't really the point.

How can a Christian reconcile wanting change with being content?

It's probably no surprise that I'm not thrilled with my life. It's been a long time since I've been able to feel anything even remotely resembling contentment. I can't deny that my attitude about my circumstances has been more sinful than not.

However.

I'm coming to terms with it. My life is what it is and there are some things that I have no power to change. There are other things that I might be able to change at some point, but not right now. And then there are those things I actually do have control over, right now.

Like the Serenity Prayer says, the real wisdom comes in knowing the difference.
Maybe that's where contentment comes from?
Knowing the difference.
And accepting it.

I can't unlive my life and I can't unchoose my choices. I can, however, choose to do differently in the future. I can also choose how I react to my circumstances, whether I can change them or not. I'm starting to think my reactions to a crisis have only fed into the next one.

James Dobson once said, "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." I'm starting to understand the truth in that statement.

I don't know if I will ever stop wishing some things had been different, or regretting sinful choices, but I think I can be unhappy with the way things have happened and accept their role in God's plan or my life.

I don't know what contentment is, but I hope it isn't defined as much by satisfaction as it is by acceptance.

The Pen is mightier than the...

Wow.
I have so many issues, I have subscriptions.

Today I lost a pen - granted, it was an amazingly awesome, not-run-of-the-mill pen - and I'm sitting here post-tantrum in a funk because I can't find it. I cried even. I really want my pen.

How weird is that?
It really is an amazing pen. Is it wrong to pray I find it?
I'm kidding.
I think.
:::sigh:::


It's interesting what we get attached to. It's also interesting that I was just talking to my therapist about the pen this morning. It was a pretty intense session and I sat there focused on twirling my pen. It's incredibly pretty... black and white pearlescent swirls. It was kind of mesmerizing.

Or at least something to focus on.
My therapist calls it a grounding tool - a coping mechanism.
That's a good thing, she says.
It means I'm trying to stay present and involved rather than running away from it.
Really?

I'll have to take her word for it...
... and here's where I get really weird...

Sometimes my pen makes me think about God.
Weirded out yet?

*It's heavy - a strong, solid weight that just settles perfectly into your hand and is impossible to ignore.
*It's ever-present in my mind, even when it feels as though I've lost it. Over the last few weeks I've carried it with me everywhere and it sits on my headboard when I go to sleep.
*It's comforting - the colors, the smoothness, the way it moves across the paper... it's soothing. Safe somehow, because I like to lose myself in writing and it makes that writing easy.
*It's something that makes me feel lost when it's missing in my life.

Like God. (Am I stretching this metaphor too much?)

*God is strong and solid. I can't miss how He fits every dip and curve and hollow of my soul perfectly.
*God is ever-present in my life, even when I'm not seeking Him. He goes with me everywhere, whether I'm conscious of it or not.
*God is comforting. He's safe... even when He isn't. He soothes even the roughest places and - with His power - life is just easier.
*And God...
when He's missing from my life?
I am utterly lost.

Hmm... speaking from recent experience.
(Maybe I did go too far with this metaphor).
But is there a better coping mechanism or grounding tool than God Himself?

I guess it's not such a big deal that I lost my pen (even though it feels like a big deal) but it is a really big deal when I feel as though I've lost my God.

I'm unbelievably grateful that He can't lose me.
Gotta love those 70x7 chances.

Eh...

I'm tired. Bone-deep, soul-worn tired.
I know, I know, I always complain about being tired.

Today I'm just worn out.
Work has been rough lately and I've gotten physically hammered. I have bruises and bumps and "strained muscles" in my back, shoulder and ankle. My blood pressure used to be 120/60 and it's currently sitting at 160/90. Work just isn't a joy anymore.

Relationship stuff is just exhausting. I know that some things really needed to change in the friendship department, but I'm hurting over it. Sundays are horrible. It doesn't usually get to me the rest of the week but on Sundays it's right there in my face and I don't know how to deal with the emotional tangle going on inside me.

I really, REALLY need a vacation.

On the bright side of things...
I've been doing a lot of hard, emotional work. It's also exhausting, but I'm slowly getting better. My thinking's getting a bit more rational, my emotions are more reasonable and my behavior - despite some notable stupidness - is healthier than it has been in months.

And God and I are back on speaking terms. I'm talking to Him again. This is very good.

Circumstances are awful right now, but I'm ok.
Nice feeling.

Happy New Year

...and all that. I'm a bit of a New Year's scrooge.

Anyhoo.
A lot of people I know had a not-so-wonderful 2009 and I'm praying for a better year for everyone.

I'm praying that another year's worth of anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays will give me the opportunity to do things differently - to react differently and to act with more thought.

I'm praying that those friends who are facing the death of a loved one are able to find hope and strength, and that starting a year with grief won't mark the beginning of an entire year of sorrow.

I'm praying that those friends who are struggling with conflict within their families will be able to find a resolution that is positive and healthy for all involved. Forgiveness. I hope it's the catch-word for 2010.

I'm praying that I can be a better mom to my children and can figure out how to effectively do this 40+ hours a week working mom thing.

I'm praying that my church survives another year and that I'll once again want to be there every Sunday and call my church "home."

I'm praying for wisdom - in all situations.

In general, I'm praying that I'll pray... daily, continually and with an obedient heart. I wasn't on speaking terms with God very much in 2009 and it was miserable. Time for change.