1st & 15th

I've fallen behind on my memory verses lately. I didn't even come up with a verse for the 1st of this month. I'd like to blame that on lots of things... but the reality is I chose not to. It is a sad thing when I allow the stuff of this earth to get in the way of the things of Heaven.

This time I've chosen a passage that some people might find strange....

Job 38:1-15
The LORD Speaks
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?
12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken."

I've been asking "Why?" a whole lot lately. Why him? Why her? Why now? Why this? Why pray? Why not? Why should I? Why do you care? Why do I have to? Why me?

I ask God - demand of God - as though He owes me an explanation.

He doesn't.

He created the world and everything in it and He has a plan that is the absolute best for me, even if I can't see it all. Even if some of it - or all of it - is a blurry mystery, He knows, and I should have faith in that. Who am I to question the One who can not only see my past, present and future but who is also the One who WROTE IT?

And since I didn't do a passage for the first half of the month, I'm going to memorize Job's response as well:

Job 42:1-6
1 Then Job replied to the LORD :
2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." (emphasis mine)

It's time to despise my Self - my ego - and to yield to God's plan for me. I don't have to like it (at first) - it isn't likely to be easy - but I do need to trust it. God can do all things... and I can do all things through Him.

Bits & Pieces....

... of life as I know it.

1 ~ My mom and I have many issues, but she definitely has her high points. She tracked down the person my roommate gave the bags of Tupperware to and asked her if she's already taken it to Goodwill. She said no and my mom now has my stuff. Yay!

I'm going to get rid of some of it (I really did have a lot), I'm going to bring some of it back home and I'm going to store the rest I want to keep at my mom's for the time being. I still have to have a talk with my roommate - there are many other issues - but at least I have my things.

2 ~ I'm going to be starting the summer Bible Study being done over at LPM entitled Me, Myself & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. I got two books thinking I would ask someone in my "real life" to join me, but now that it's time to start I have no idea who to ask. There are 3 or 4 people I've considered asking, but I don't think they'd want to. Life is busy and I can't imagine why anyone would really want to spend one on one time with me (yes, I know I still need to work on the confidence thing).

I guess it's a God thing that the Bible Study is all about how we think about ourselves. From the back cover:

We talk to ourselves all the time. We evaluate everything we do, compare
ourselves to others, and even call ourselves names. We disparage who we are
instead of telling ourselves the truth about who God says we are. Me, Myself
& Lies deals with our destructive, unrealistic self-talk.

OUCH.

3 ~ I agreed to do something I'm not sure I can do - no matter how much I want to. I'm still trying to figure out how well I'll be able to step up to the plate. Only God knows, I suppose. If He's in this (and I let Him work through me), I'll do well... if He isn't, I'll crash and burn but at least I'll know. It's hard to figure out where you fit in the larger Kingdom picture when the thing you were sure God was asking you to do (for me, that was grad school and becoming a therapist) falls apart.

4 ~ My kids are out of school! That means I finally get to spend more time with them. Of course, right now they're revelling in their freedom and seem to have no intentions of returning home any time soon. =) I've recently had to talk to one of my sons about finding new friends... I'm cautiously watching his choices this summer. Could you pray for him? There are other things coming up and I want better for him.

I'm having more babysitter-related problems (well, actually, it involves someone who lives with the babysitter). She's mad at me for something I said - which I don't regret saying - and she's taking it out on my kids. So far the worst of it has been talking about my kids rather than to them, but they're all intimidated by her and she's hyper-critical of everything they do. Another confrontation I have to have. Joy. This could use prayer too.

5 ~ And to end on a positive note... Work is going great! I'm loving my new schedule and the opportunities I have to create groups and work closely with the clients. I've hit some bumps along the way and have ruffled a few feathers among my peers and superiors, but it's a good job that is very fulfilling.

I'm off to take my kids to the movies! Later!

GRRrrrrr!

I'm frustrated, and I'm probably not being very Christ-like...

I'm grateful that my roomate decided to clean the kitchen. It's the first time in at least a year since she's cleaned anywhere in this house other than her own room. So I'm thrilled.

HOWEVER.

She took it upon herself to get rid of ALL of my Tupperware - I'm not talking Rubbermaid or store-brand storage, I'm talking REAL Tupperware. ALL OF IT. Gone. She didn't consult me, she didn't keep things around to have me look through, she just bagged it all up and sent it to Goodwill while I was at work.

Big mixing bowls, microwave safe bowls, soup bowls, plates, cups, cereal bowls, freezer storage, Modular Mates (this one KILLS me!), I had all sorts of Tupperware. I used to sell Tupperware and other than the initial start-up package, I bought all of my Tupperware with my own money that I earned rather than using my husband's money. As a stay-at-home mom that was a big deal to me. As a woman whose husband enjoyed reminding her that nothing in the house was actually hers because it was all bought with his money... it was HUGE.

Ok. Granted. It's just storage containers, but they were MINE. There isn't a lot left in this house that's mine other than clothes, books and the kids toys.

When she first moved in she decided that "we" needed to get rid of things - by that she meant me. Slowly but surely my things have been donated to Goodwill while her things fill every nook and cranny. If she were to move out I wouldn't have anything to cook with, any plates to eat on, any furniture to sit on, any bookshelves to put books on, any appliances to cook in... and so on.

Tupperware isn't cheap, and I don't have the money to go out and buy a whole bunch of storage containers - even if I got stuff at Wal-mart. Which means yet another thing in this house will be hers.

And she replaced my nice, safe Tupperware plates and bowls with STONEWARE, and my nice, safe Tupperware cups with GLASS glasses. I tried breakable dishes before... but I have four children who are not blessed with a whole lot of grace or balance... they didn't last long.

What gets to me is that she didn't ask. Didn't even mention it - and according to the kids, she'd been planning it for a couple of days. If she really wanted to reduce (though why she would care since she rarely cleans is beyond me) I would have been happy to cut my stock in half and give things away. But she didn't ask. And she got rid of it all before I could do anything about it.

It just feels sneaky.

And I'm frustrated... and my emotional reaction is probably far out of proportion to the events. But I don't care. Grrrrrr!

Safety

A few months ago I was given a book to read called, Your God is Too Safe and the title alone struck a chord. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t read it yet.

There must be something God wants to say to me about the subject because this week’s sermon also dealt with the “safety” of Jesus Christ.

More chords struck.

And if you’ll remember, I recently wrote a post about people not being safe. I wrote that post in the middle of a lot of confusion and fear. I was struggling through things that I still can’t put words to. I found myself wondering if I could ever really trust anyone.

It took me a couple of weeks to realize that maybe it's ok – better than ok – that people aren’t safe. Maybe the whole basis of trust is acknowledging that relationships are a risk… and leaping headfirst into it anyway, because that person is worth more than fear… because the risks are nothing in comparison to the gains.

Faith also has risks.

Our God isn’t safe.

Over and over again Scriptures describe the restless and raging fury of God’s love (love that song!). It is no mistake that Jesus is described as the Lion of Judah.

The speaker on Sunday - my pastor will be back in the pulpit on Father's day! - quoted from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe:

"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion, the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the king I tell you."

Of course God isn't safe... but He is good.

Faith is taking a leap into the unsafe. It is trusting in the One who has the power to blast you to oblivion with the surety that He CAN destroy you and the certainty that He won't.

We're supposed to tremble before God, with our knees knocking... not in an incapacitating way, but in a way that makes us realize the true depth of His grace and mercy. We are supposed to be afraid of what we deserve so we can appreciate what we have been given.

I've been operating under the wrong kind of fear for far too long. I wish I could say that now that I've acknowledged that, I'll change and it will all be better. Knowing and doing are two very different things, aren't they?

I'll let you know how the book turns out... as soon as I read it.

The Masquerade

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails?

Is there anyone that falls?

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover that I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin,

I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people?

Under shiny plastic steeples?

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain?

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be?

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay?

I love this song. Thoughts, comments? Is this your reality?

Double, Double, Toil & Trouble

Double standards that is.

Realistically, double standards are a fairly expected part of life. Most people have at least one or two do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do's. They aren't nice, but they're there. I'm guilty of them. Most of us are.

There are relatively small double standards... such as "It's ok for grown-ups to cuss, but it isn't ok for kids." Or, "Girls can't wear shorts to school but boys can." They aren't right or fair, but in the grand scheme of things, they're pretty small.

And then there are the big ones... "It's ok for men to have affairs but not their wives." Or, "You have to forgive this person and make things right, but I don't." Or, "It's ok for me to have an abortion because of my circumstances, but it isn't ok for you to do it out of convenience."

Big or small, they're still ugly and fundamentally unfair. And yes, I know, life isn't fair... but, as much as is possible, shouldn't we be striving toward it? As "normal" as double standards may seem to life, should we accept them?

Of course not. A life without double standards is possible.

Sometimes we encounter people we would never imagine would hold others to a standard they wouldn't meet themselves. It's admirable and amazing. People of integrity are few and far between, and when they ask others to consider something or do something, they are taken seriously.

Which makes it all the more staggering when confronted with their inability or unwillingness to live up to the demands they make of others. It's disappointing.

I don't want to be a disappointment.

Do you have any double standards? How do we get rid of them?

A Quick Bit of Nothin' Much

Not a whole lot to say today.

Gotta whole lotta not a whole lot to say.

Heh.

At the moment I am sitting around getting paid to do absolutely nothing work-related other than holding a radio. Well, I guess I'm getting paid to blog too, since this is what I'm doing with my time. =)

I worked a 52 hour week last week and it is exhausting. Ask me next week if I'm liking my new, non-vampire schedule because last week wore me out. Doesn't help that I have an ear infection or two and my side still hurts (biopsy came back normal BTW, I forgot to mention that).

And can I just whine for a sec?? If someone is getting paid to watch my kids, why do I have to do what is convenient for them? It isn't like they're watching my kids for free as a favor. I went almost 5 days without seeing my kids except in passing at church because it was "easier" for the baby-sitters to just keep them overnight. Well it isn't easier for me!

This is not going to keep happening. I don't like being a single working mom. It stinks. I miss my kids. I miss being able to be there for them. And I don't have the luxury of working for the school district anymore - it didn't pay the bills. I LOVE my job, but I hate that I have to work whatever hours they give me instead of holding out for the best hours possible. I'm just bummed about it right now.

And I hear the screeches of teenagers signalling that my sit-down time is over. Yay! It doesn't seem right to get paid to do nothing. Hasta for now!