Oy, I'm tired.

I'm likely to be rambling a bit... I went in to work at 11am yesterday morning and didn't get to leave until 6:30am. 19 1/2 hours. Then I slept a little less than an hour before going to church.

Yep. :::yawn:::

I don't really have anything profound to say... or anything pretending to be profound. Oh well. My blog, right?

Can you believe Christmas is over? It's funny how we spend days and weeks anticipating the build up to a single day... and then in a mere 24 hours, it's over. :::poof!::: Piles of wrapping paper and ribbons, tins full of half-eaten Christmas goodies, leftovers in the fridge, and (if you have kids) new toys scattered everywhere.

Time for the New Year - and resolutions, if you do that kind of thing.
Then Valentine's Day.
Then...
Isn't it interesting how so much of our lives are marked out by holidays?

Anyhoo... rambling.
I'm tired.

And I just fell asleep with my hands on the keyboard... half a page of (now deleted) periods later... =0) I think I should go to sleep.
'Night!!

Confessions of a Crazy Person

Yes, more in the melodramatic saga of my recent trips into insanity...


At some point in the last few weeks - past experiences to the contrary - I decided that perhaps my life was such a miserable stinkhole because I left my husband. I thought that maybe things have been so difficult over the last four years because God was punishing me. Maybe it would all stop if I just went back.


"Maybe I did make it up... or overexaggerate... or miscommunicate...."
Maybe things would get better if I just went back.


In the wee hours of Wednesday morning I learned how foolish that thinking had been.


I'm physically ok. I put myself in an impossible situation with very few options. I got hurt, but not in a way that can really be quantified. Whatever choices I didn't have, I made plenty of choices to get there. And then, to my complete embarrassment, I had to call someone for a rescue at 3 o'clock in the morning who I swore I'd never turn to again.

Something else I learned... friendships can change drastically, but that doesn't mean they should end entirely. Some people will be there no matter how stupid you've been - no matter how badly you've messed up. Those people are priceless.

I'd be crazy to throw that away.

The world loves our Christmas...

... why don't they love our Christ?

It's easy to place the blame on the world... they're selfish, they're commercialized, they're... a million other things that we would be without God's grace.

But doesn't the blame lay as much on us as it does on a fallen world?

The world loves our Christmas... because at the core of every carol - secular or sacred - is a message of peace and joy. Who doesn't want a bit of joy to overcome the sorrows of life? Who doesn't want a little peace to reign over conflict?

So if the world loves His message, why doesn't the world love our Christ?

Perhaps because we fail to show them that HE is the source of peace and joy in our own lives. We don't live like we can rest in the joy of our salvation and can trust in the Prince of Peace. I don't live like I can rest in joy or trust in peace.

Do you?

We sing songs about goodwill to men, but fight amongst ourselves as though we've never experienced God's love.
We sing songs about the thrill of hope, but give up and turn from God at the smallest challenge to our faith.
We sing songs about tidings of comfort and joy, but we complain and worry and whine about everything under the sun.
We sing about the King of Kings, but refuse to yield our will to His and follow His commands.

By "we," I mean me.

I'm sitting here tonight replaying my choices over the last few months - over the last year, really... and I don't like what I see. As I look at my life I see a woman who has given in to despair, has strayed from what is right and has been a stumbling block in the lives of others. I see someone who talks a good talk... but who hasn't bothered to actually get up and walk for a very long time.

Maybe, just maybe, the world doesn't love Christ because - from what they see - we don't love Him either? Maybe they look at us and see people who love our Christmas more than we love our Christ?

Something to think about.

Clean Heart

Psalm 51: 1-17
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

And God... I need You and your mercy so much.

More on "Crazy"

About a week ago I mentioned that I was contemplating something totally crazy... the wise side of my mind was telling me that it would be a really bad idea. The impulsive, devil-may-care side of me was saying, "What the heck?" And another part of me... shut down.

My ex-husband called me at the beginning of last week and I answered the phone (first mistake). Because of our history, I try to limit our contact to text messages. He said he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had come up regarding the kids. It didn't take long before the topic of conversation had strayed in a totally different direction.

My ex-husband - who is currently engaged - has decided he wants to try working things out between us. Seriously?

The phone conversation did not go well - there was a lot of minimizing what I experienced and how it impacted my life. There was a lot of, "When you think about it, what happened between us really wasn't that big a deal." Because seven years of abuse really isn't all that significant, is it?

At some point, while he got into very descriptive detail, I shut down. Too much was being triggered and fear kicked in I was thinking, "I can't end this conversation, I can't make him mad, I can't disagree with him. This isn't safe!" I "ran" the only way I knew how. I couldn't stand up for myself and what I knew to be true. Honestly, in that state of mind it didn't seem so true anymore.

I was that scared, helpless battered woman again... who had been convinced that the worst of the abuse was all in my mind. And as that woman, when he asked me to meet him for breakfast, I didn't feel like I could refuse.

Then I felt stupid, and angry at myself. Worthless. Incompetant. Weak. (Wow, that tape sounds familiar). Somewhere in that anger, even though I knew what would happen, I decided I didn't care... So what? "I'm going to get hurt in one way or another, but so what?" I guess I decided my weakness deserved punishment. Maybe I thought I'd learn my lesson (stop shutting down and giving in) if I faced the consequences of it.

I could have texted him and cancelled. Should have. Didn't.

So I met him for breakfast. We ate (well, mostly he ate). He talked. I heard more about how our past wasn't as bad as we (meaning I) made it out to be. As the "conversation" continued I felt smaller and smaller and smaller. I let some things happen that should never happen and... it wasn't ok.

Yes, I punished myself... but I'm pretty sure it didn't work. I made myself feel small, and feeling small doesn't help me stand up.

Talk about self-sabotage. I've set myself up for weeks - months? - of phone calls and texts about how hopeful he is for us and how much he still loves me and how wrong it was that I left him but how great it is I'm ready to make that right.

I've heard insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result....
I think I might be crazy.

My Babies... who aren't so babyish anymore.

They're beautiful, sweet, funny, loving and far too smart for my own good. These are my treasures.

I've made a lot of mistakes in their lives and I never cease to be amazed at their capacity for forgiveness. They love me and they trust me, but most importantly, they all love and trust the Lord. I can't ask for much more than that.

Friends with Benefits

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor. 6:12




This verse begins a passage on sexual immorality but despite the post title, that's not where this post is headed. Forgive my tangent from proper context and my play on words. I don't want to talk about morality - instead I want to talk about friendship.

I've had a lot of reasons to contemplate friendship over the last two weeks. None of them very pleasant, but the contemplation was necessary... and perhaps God was using this season to finally force me to see what I had ignored for so long.

I have a difficult time with friendship. I struggle to make friends, rarely get close to the friends I have and on those very few occasions where I allow myself to get close, the relationship becomes so intense (on my part) that it is unsustainable. Either I get sick of them or they get sick of me. No one can meet the expectations I put on them... no one can bear the burden I ask them to bear.

There is such a thing as sharing too much.

Sharing yourself is permissible - encouraged even - but it isn't always beneficial. There are some things that should stay in your own head. Or at least in mine.

Those friends who love me don't want to hear about every insecurity and irrational thought - it's draining. They don't really want to know that I'm sure they're eventually going to walk away. They don't really want to be in constant contact about every little crisis I make into a huge one. It isn't because they don't care; instead it's because it's exhausting and hurtful to be inundated with misery.

And no one wants to be told over and over again that I don't really trust them. That isn't friendship.

Loving someone deeply is permissible - and also encouraged - but it isn't always beneficial. I have some pretty idealistic notions about friendship and for the most part, they are highly inappropriate. Your love for your friends should never become idolatry. You should never turn to your friends over God. I should never turn to my friends over God.

I've made some egregious mistakes in that arena recently. I asked too much of the wrong people instead of looking to God for the unconditional love I was craving. The results were - are - devastating... but (on my part) not undeserved. You should never be mastered by chasing after friendship and I sinned in allowing that in myself.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Cor. 10:23, 24.

In a greater context, these two very similar passages in 1 Corinthians are talking about the freedom from legalism that we have as unbelievers. The Law is only necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. We are free to work out our own salvation with Christ as long as we don't hinder another's walk or our own witness - as long as our actions are dictated by selflessness rather that selfishness.

Friendship has similar guidelines.

Yes, friends are there to meet each other's needs, but our focus should never be on our needs being met. We need to serve our friends to the best of our ability and trust that they are willing to do the same for us. We should never demand it. I should never demand it.

Friendships are also necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. And friendships should emulate our relationship with Christ rather than supplant it.

I've been truly horrible to two people I care about very much - two people who are so close to God that it hurt them to have me chase the wrong things. I failed to seek their good above my own - I failed to be a friend. Some damage is irrevocable and better for all concerned to close the doors... but the regrets are overwhelming.

Once upon a time I'd use this blog as an avenue to apologize (because I'm a bit cowardly and it seems easier that way), but things have fallen out so badly that they no longer read my blog... and I have no idea how to approach them - nor do I feel as though I have a right to. So instead I'm writing this because I need to purge... I need to be honest... and I need to find the words to say for that day in the future when I'm ready to say them.

Everything is permissible... but only God-focused and God-directed love is beneficial. If you want to be a friend - and have a friend - seek God first. The rest will come.

Maybe someday I'll have that. But not today.
There's so much more I could say - and a whole lot more I should say - but I'm running out of steam. My heart hurts.