Friends with Benefits

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor. 6:12




This verse begins a passage on sexual immorality but despite the post title, that's not where this post is headed. Forgive my tangent from proper context and my play on words. I don't want to talk about morality - instead I want to talk about friendship.

I've had a lot of reasons to contemplate friendship over the last two weeks. None of them very pleasant, but the contemplation was necessary... and perhaps God was using this season to finally force me to see what I had ignored for so long.

I have a difficult time with friendship. I struggle to make friends, rarely get close to the friends I have and on those very few occasions where I allow myself to get close, the relationship becomes so intense (on my part) that it is unsustainable. Either I get sick of them or they get sick of me. No one can meet the expectations I put on them... no one can bear the burden I ask them to bear.

There is such a thing as sharing too much.

Sharing yourself is permissible - encouraged even - but it isn't always beneficial. There are some things that should stay in your own head. Or at least in mine.

Those friends who love me don't want to hear about every insecurity and irrational thought - it's draining. They don't really want to know that I'm sure they're eventually going to walk away. They don't really want to be in constant contact about every little crisis I make into a huge one. It isn't because they don't care; instead it's because it's exhausting and hurtful to be inundated with misery.

And no one wants to be told over and over again that I don't really trust them. That isn't friendship.

Loving someone deeply is permissible - and also encouraged - but it isn't always beneficial. I have some pretty idealistic notions about friendship and for the most part, they are highly inappropriate. Your love for your friends should never become idolatry. You should never turn to your friends over God. I should never turn to my friends over God.

I've made some egregious mistakes in that arena recently. I asked too much of the wrong people instead of looking to God for the unconditional love I was craving. The results were - are - devastating... but (on my part) not undeserved. You should never be mastered by chasing after friendship and I sinned in allowing that in myself.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Cor. 10:23, 24.

In a greater context, these two very similar passages in 1 Corinthians are talking about the freedom from legalism that we have as unbelievers. The Law is only necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. We are free to work out our own salvation with Christ as long as we don't hinder another's walk or our own witness - as long as our actions are dictated by selflessness rather that selfishness.

Friendship has similar guidelines.

Yes, friends are there to meet each other's needs, but our focus should never be on our needs being met. We need to serve our friends to the best of our ability and trust that they are willing to do the same for us. We should never demand it. I should never demand it.

Friendships are also necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. And friendships should emulate our relationship with Christ rather than supplant it.

I've been truly horrible to two people I care about very much - two people who are so close to God that it hurt them to have me chase the wrong things. I failed to seek their good above my own - I failed to be a friend. Some damage is irrevocable and better for all concerned to close the doors... but the regrets are overwhelming.

Once upon a time I'd use this blog as an avenue to apologize (because I'm a bit cowardly and it seems easier that way), but things have fallen out so badly that they no longer read my blog... and I have no idea how to approach them - nor do I feel as though I have a right to. So instead I'm writing this because I need to purge... I need to be honest... and I need to find the words to say for that day in the future when I'm ready to say them.

Everything is permissible... but only God-focused and God-directed love is beneficial. If you want to be a friend - and have a friend - seek God first. The rest will come.

Maybe someday I'll have that. But not today.
There's so much more I could say - and a whole lot more I should say - but I'm running out of steam. My heart hurts.