Just Breathe

*What do you do when something that shouldn't have stunned you, did? When something you were expecting all of a sudden feels so unexpected?
*What do you do when you feel as though you've been punched in the gut and all of the wind has been knocked out of you?
*What do you do when your whole body shakes and you feel dizzy and nauseous and boxed in? When you don't know who to talk to because... well, it feels as though there isn't anyone left?
*What do you do when it feels as though everything you knew to be true (and actually liked) about yourself really isn't?
*What do you do when it feels like no one believes in you anymore?
*What do you do when you've screwed up so badly that it feels as though you can never come back from it?
*What do you do when you're sad, confused, angry, ashamed and alone?

I'll tell you what I've done.

*I ran away to things that weren't safe.
*I caved to thoughts and emotions that were ugly and dangerous.
*I drove around with all sorts of crazy ideas roaming around in my head.
*I slept a LOT... or not at all.
*I ate... nothing.
*I lashed out - or avoided - people I love.
*I stood in the sanctuary of my church...

and SCREAMED...

and yelled...

and pounded on doors... and chairs...

and demanded...

and walked in circles...

and stomped in circles...

and cried... alot...

and fell to my knees...

and fell on my face...

and, well, just all around fell...

God! I can't do this! What were You thinking when you chose me?

Me. Of all people.

Me.

So lost and confused and messed up from the inside out.

You saved me for what?

To be a prime example of how NOT to do the Christian walk?

To be the one who always falls short, always runs, always loses faith?

Why do You ask me to do hard things?

You have to know I'll only make things worse.

You have to know I'll only make a mockery of You and the grace You've given me.

You have to know I'll fail.

I always do.

I'm a screw up.

A mess.

A loser.

I'm worthless.

I know You've said I have value. I know You've said I matter.

I know You've said I have a purpose and a future.

I know You've said I have a hope...

But I just don't feel it.

I can't do this.

I can't take another step. I can't take another breath. I. Just. Can't.

Please God, tell me You CAN!?

Sometimes I think my life is nothing but chaos surrounded by crisis wrapped up in calamity... when all I really want is calm.

Yep. That's been my last two weeks, how 'bout yours?