What am I thinking?

I'm really confused right now and I'm feeling a lot of things I don't understand. I wish things were cut and dry.

But they aren't.

My ex is moving 3,000 miles away. I'm incredibly happy about it, but there's a part of me that isn't. I don't know if I'm sad or angry or... what?

One day I'm going to be strong enough for a confrontation - strong enough to admit where I failed AND call him to the carpet for his own choices. I'm no where near there yet, but I have to believe that day is coming. Hard to stand up and be strong from 3,000 miles away.

The last four months have been heinous and I need him to go away. I've made a lot of stupid choices, and he's taken some of my choices away. I've tried to take the whole blame for what's happened and I've taken on fault that isn't mine. My own guilt is enough, I shouldn't try to carry his. I've lied to protect him - again. Why do I do that?

Hard as it is for me to admit, there's a part of me that still loves him, or at least very desperately wishes things were different. I want to keep giving him opportunities, even though it means getting hurt. I keep hoping that one day I'll have real value in his eyes, other than what I can do for him. I keep hoping that one day I'll be worth being treated like a treasure instead of like trash. And I know that day isn't likely to come.

And he's leaving our kids. Now, the bigger part of me knows this is a good thing. He doesn't pay attention to them, they come home miserable from visits and they don't want to go to his house unless his girlfriend/fiancee (what is she now?) is there. They aren't sad he's leaving... but he's their father. Good or bad, he's the man God has put in their lives. They don't have anyone else. They're going to miss him. And when he stops calling, they're going to wonder why he stopped loving them. They're going to wonder what they did to stop being important.

I'm going to tell them they didn't do anything... and hope they believe me.

Speaking of his whatever-she-is... yet again my kids are losing someone significant. They love her and love spending time with her. She's staying here, and although she's said she wants to continue to see them, I'm afraid it won't last. Relationships fade when there isn't anything there to tie people together. My kids have already learned this... they've experienced it too many times in the last few months. My heart aches for the hard lessons they've had to learn.

So I'm glad he's leaving, and sad he's leaving, and mad he's leaving... and I feel bad that I'm all those things.

What am I thinking?