My daughter, my sister...

Dearest Keziah,

I could not be more priviledged or more proud to welcome you today as my sister in Christ. From the moment I knew you were growing inside me I have prayed for this day when you would trust Jesus as your Savior and make your faith known to the world through baptism.

Today I am more than just your earthly mother, I am one among many in your heavenly family who has promised to walk with you in this new life of yours. There is no greater honor and I pray that one day your heart will burst with pride like mine when you stand beside my grandbabies as they make the same decision.

Even when your world seems to crumble around you, or when the trials and temptations of this life (and there will be many) wear at your soul, may you daily seek God's face and trust in His grace until we stand together in heaven. I am so proud of you, my darling girl. Happy re-Birthday!

Always and forever,

Mom.

What have I gotten myself into?

So... while surfing blog-world I came across an online Bible study (ok, ok, so I came across it over a year late... but better late than never!). Wow. I love technology. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to do this so bear with me for any technical glitches.



Are there any circumstances or relationships in your life where you can see God has intentionally placed you to be a light for Him?
Maybe there is. To be honest, I am only now starting to think about it. I look at what recently happened with my daughters and I have to praise God that I am the person I am now instead of the person I was a couple of years ago. I can only pray that God will continue to use what has happened with my life for His glory... not just for my family, but for everyone God brings into my life.

Can you honestly describe yourself as a woman with a 'yes' in her spirit?
Not always. This is a problem I know I have. I am so rebellious - so selfish. I want to be used by God but when it comes to stepping outside my comfort zone I still hesitate; still resist. How frustrating it is... to know how Paul felt when he said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15). What I want with all my heart is to be a "yes" woman, but what I actually do is another issue entirely.

Are you in an emotionally and spiritually healthy place today?
I'm getting there. I am not where I should be, but I am making progress. Slow, painful, excruciating progress, but progress none-the-less.

If so, what will you do with your series of unrecurring events? Will you commit to ask for spiritual eyes to see opportunities to defend a weaker sister?
I have to say, the prospect scares and excites me at the same time. What if I screw up? What if I make things worse instead of better? Hmm... I think Moses had the same objections. Something to ponder and pray over.

If no, are you taking steps to seek out wise counsel from a sister you admire or perhaps a Christian counselor if needed? If not, will you resolve to do so?
Counseling... and lots of it. Like I said, I'm getting there - slowly. My counselor is a wonderful, strong Christian woman who I also happen to admire and look up to. When I don't have confidence in what Christ is doing in me, she does. Its nice to hear that from an objective source.

Lord, what have I gotten myself into with this study?

Broken-hearted mama

No mother wants to hear the words that my precious daughters said to me yesterday. And yet, every mother hopes her child would say those words rather than keep them bottled up forever. I don't want to go into detail and don't need to but I will say I took all the recommended steps to protect my girls.

I don't really know what else to do here... I don't know what to say or how to react. I am trying to avoid bringing my own history into the mix.

This is so hard and it breaks my heart...
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And it makes me flaming mad. Let me tell you now, if Satan was trying to get at me, he took the wrong path. Don't mess with my kids. I've prayed more in the last two days than I have for a long time. If he was trying to get at my kids....? He's in for a fight. I will intercede for them with my very last breath... and I will teach them to reach for God in this.

How dare satan attack my babies?! How dare he?! My oldest daughter went to the front of the church of her own accord, confessed faith in Christ and asked to be baptized just a couple weeks ago. My little girl believes in Jesus with all her heart and I am on my knees begging God that this ugliness doesn't interfere with her faith and I'm begging God that this won't put a roadblock in the path of my youngest child. How dare he!?

Oh Lord, I don't know what to do. Thank you for making me into a mother my children could come to and thank you for putting a stop to this when You did. Guide me as I guide them and protect their young hearts. You know my heart Lord, I don't know how to pray but You do. Amen.

Counselor's orders!

I was sitting in my therapist's office expressing how worn out I feel. Then she asked me what I did to rest and recharge. As I started listing off things she stopped me mid-sentence - "No," she said, "what do you do for YOU." I was shocked when I realized that everything I do right now drains me far faster than it fills me up, especially on the heels of pneumonia.

My therapist says I need a vacation. From her lips to God's ears... please! =) I've spent the lat two days thinking about what a restful vacation would look like for me. So this is my daydream:

I'd love a week or two, but I can settle on two days and nights. Alone. I just need to be alone. I need some one-on-one time with God without any interruptions. No kids - I love them dearly, but they aren't restful. No cell phone - I am beginning to think that being available by phone 24/7 is a curse. A small beach front vacation rental on the Oregon Coast - yes, its cold this time of year, but the storms forming over the ocean are phenomenal to watch. No TV, no computer, just my Bible, a notebook, a drawing pad and a Francine Rivers novel or two. Frequent walks on the beach, freshly steamed clams and dungeness crab, a hot tub, a fireplace and sweet silence. Oh, and fudge from one of those touristy candy shacks.

Is it ever going to happen? Not likely. But its fun to dream!

Sometimes you have to get sick to get better...

There's nothing like being knocked flat on your rear to make you slow down and listen for a change. Unless you're a stubborn one, like me. Then it might take a week or two... or nine. Heh.

The week before Thanksgiving I started getting sick with what I thought was a simple cold. Couldn't possibly have been anything more serious - I got my flu shot! HA! It was just a simple cold for a week or so, then it got worse.

No, I didn't get the flu. I got pneumonia instead - of the "walking" variety. Umm yeah. I could walk... about ten steps between coughing fits. I was miserable for a long time... still am, although I do finally feel human again.

I was so sick that I threw up and saw sparklies just about every time I coughed and my chest sounded like radio static. My head pounded non-stop in time to my heartbeat and every joint in my body hurt. My chest felt as though an elephant sat on it and I was wearing a bra ten sizes too small for me. I had a fever for so long that when my temperature was "only" 100 degrees I thought I was better.

And of course, when I thought I was better I would go along on my merry way as if all was right with the world.... and then I'd land right back on my rear as bad or worse than I was before I got the harebrained idea that 100 degrees = healthy.

And why was I sick for so long, you wonder?

Well, #1 I hate doctors and don't have health insurance so it took me forever to see someone. #2 I have this niggling suspicion that God was trying to speak to me and I wouldn't slow down or shut up long enough to listen. (I wish I could say I learned my lesson on both parts, but chances are I'll do this again someday).

So, what was God trying to say?

STOP TRYING TO DO *MY* WORK WITHOUT *ME*! And Bethany, stop letting anyone else tell you who you are, including yourself! You are who *I* say you are because you are Mine.

OK God, I get it, or do I?

I've spent a lot of time listening to what other people have had to say about me and, unfortunately, I've only been hearing the negative. I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in all of the lies I was hearing that I walled myself in and walled God out. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do things by myself that I was never meant to do alone. I stopped having conversations with God - instead I just checked in once in a while with a "hi God, could you _____ ?" - and I stopped seeking Him through scripture too.

It's a miserable existence.

So God slowed me down, shut me up, and reminded me of who I am and to Whom I should be listening. I'm still working on the lesson, but I'm getting there (and getting better too!).

A God of Second Chances

When I was 19 years old, God grabbed 'hold of my heart in a powerful way. He put a very clear calling on my life and opened countless doors to make this new desire of my heart happen.

Then, somewhere along the way I turned God's plan into MY plan and things started going horribly wrong.

I met a guy (not my ex-husband). I liked him. He liked me. He was headed for full-time Christian ministry and he seemed to fit perfectly into "God's Plan" for my life (the plan I hijacked and made my own). God had given me everything else I wanted and I decided it was time He gave me a help-mate too. Ha!

It ended badly... so badly it changed everything in my life more dramatically than I realized.

I turned away from God. Oh sure, I paid lip-service. I went to church like I always had. I was good at going through the motions and I slipped back into that habit like sliding into my favorite worn-out robe. I did everything in the name of God and God's will without consulting Him at all.

I got involved with my ex, got pregnant and got married... starting an eight year long spiral away from Christ. A desert experience that took up nearly a third of my life. I screwed things up beyond all recognition and yet, here I stand - eleven years after that first powerful calling - having come full-circle and feeling that call again.

I can only stand in awe and wonder, looking to the Savior of my soul and my dreams, and praising Him for being a God of second chances.

God Did It!!!

Somehow, some way, God managed to get me through school. I graduated on Saturday!!!

It is so surreal. I never thought this day would come. Is it bad to admit it kind of scares me to be done? Now I have to think about grad school and the real work is about to begin.

He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it... (Philippians 1:6)

I'm hangin' on to that promise, let me tell you! The only reason I have any confidence at all is because I know God has a plan for my life and I'm along for the ride!