How does your garden grow? Poorly.

Let me preface this by saying I have a tiny postage stamp yard and not a lot of time or energy to do much with it. My yard is one of the saddest in my little neighborhood. And to be honest, there just aren't a lot of plants that can survive my four children.


Let's start with The Flowers:


These pretty little guys just showed up in one of my highly neglected window boxes (as in, they are the only living plants in the planter). I don't know where they came from, and thankfully they are taking care of themselves.

This is what my Star of Bethlehem plants looked like a couple of months ago. They are an early spring blooming plant from the lily family and there are about 20 blooms on one stalk that gets about 18" high. They are bulbs - thankfully - so even though they didn't fare well being transferred from pot to ground they will be back and beautiful next year. I have it on good authority that they are hard to kill.

These flowers, and their Sun Star cousins below, are dear to me because they represent atonement. In fact, I got a stylized version of the white flower with a green cross as a tattoo. Yes, yes, I know. Tattoos are iffy in the appropriate-for-Christians department. However, the cross goes over a cluster of nasty scars. Two symbols of atonement to remind me that God's grace covers everything.

If you're thinking I need to pull the grass around these flowers, you would be right. =)

This is my night-blooming jasmine. I thought it would die when I put up my shed and pretty much blocked the sunlight, but it didn't. Yay! It smells so pretty and because its in the shadows all day it blooms 'round the clock.

Now for the Herb Garden:

Now, this poor thing needs some major TLC (and I clearly need to mow). My sage, rosemary and oregano were formerly in an area about a third of the size of this bed and they were choking each other out. I moved the sage and rosemary this morning and it looks a bit droopy. The sage was so ingrown with the oregano that its all spindly and looks half-dead. I didn't take a close-up. Hopefully in a day or two it will be prettier.

I love rosemary. I love the look, I love the smell, I love the flavor. This is the rosemary bush that wouldn't die. I cut it down dramatically every year and it comes back bigger and bushier every time. You can't tell from the picture but its over two feet tall.

I'm not sure what variety of oregano this is, but I got it two years ago as a tiny little dying plant and today it takes up about three square feet of space. And the smell is divine. Its creeped into my lawn and every time I mow (heh, that happens frequently :::NOT:::) it sets off a marvelous aroma. Now this beauty is my pride and joy. It's a chocolate mint and it smells and tastes exactly so. It makes the most amazing tea. It's pretty too. You can't really tell from the picture but the stalks and the veins on the backside of the leaves are a pretty, deep burgundy.

And this is my spanish lavendar that is waiting to be planted. My basil, chives and thyme didn't survive last year's neglect but I'm replanting it. I've got lemon, cinnamon and sweet basil starts growing in my little jiffy pots to be planted when they're a bit bigger.

And last, but not least, The Butterflies!:

My children were so enamoured with the pictures of the butterflies we raised in my classroom at work that I finally caved and ordered the caterpillars. Yesterday we released our butterflies.

Thanks for joining my not-so-pretty garden tour. =)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Change is inevitable. I know this. Truly.

But I don't have to like it.

Its now officially summer vacation - which means change. I'm home. The kids are home. Oh yeah, and I'm out of a job.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I hate job-hunting. I interviewed for a job I really wanted, and it wasn't in the plan so I'm still looking. And looking. And looking.

In case you haven't noticed, the economy is kind of tanking. This is not the best time to look for a job and I'm throwing a bit of a pity party over it. Heh.

And that totally isn't what I intended to write about. Where was I?

Oh yes. Change. Change is inevitable and I don't like it. Gotcha.

I had quite a few reminders of that on Wednesday. To say it was a rough day would be the understatement of the century.

1) I just realized Wednesday that my baby girl...

... is no longer a baby. Next year my youngest child will be a kindergartener. Where did the time go? And I just know I'm going to blink and she'll be in middle school and then turn around and she's graduating high-school. My oldest - 9 yo - already has zits for pete's sake! Zits! What's next?? A driver's license?? Sheesh.

2) My job was frustrating, and I couldn't wait for it to be over... but darn it! I'm going to miss my students. I'm going to miss my co-workers. It takes me forever and a day to make friends. I'm just not very good at it. And being a single mom to four kids really limits my ability to socialize outside of work...

But I was making friends! One woman in particular - we had a lot in common - but gas prices are astronomical and she lives a good 40 minute drive from me (without traffic). Chances are we will never see each other again.

And those kids... yes, kids can be cruel and obnoxious and completely unruly. They can pester and annoy and drive you to the brink of insanity with incessant questions. Some of the kids I worked with were violent and I had the bruises to prove it. But they are also the best teachers of unconditional love, communication and trust.

They look at grown ups with eager vulnerability shining out of their eyes. They're just waiting for you to do something wonderful - and they're young enough they still believe you will. They accept you for who you are and see the best you can be, because they haven't been taught yet to expect any different.

They laugh and they cry and they hug and they heal your hurts just by being who they are. They touch you with moments of kindness and startle you into laughter with moments of randomness. They are precious.

And I'm gonna miss them.

I was so sure I wasn't. And I was wrong. Stupid change.

3) School. My school, not the one I worked at. This one hit on two fronts.

First, I have been in denial about my grief over not being in school. I know that sounds lame and a little bit melodramatic (uh, have you "met" me yet??) but school meant a lot to me.

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it was the first place that saw the new "me" emerging. It was the first place, and sometimes the only place, where I was able to see myself as a survivor rather than a victim. It was a place I felt competent and confident and a place where I was more than the sum total of what had happened to me.

It feels different somehow to be around people who have seen the amazing changes God has done in my life without having to see all of the muck that came before. Some people will never be able to see clearly what you are through their memories of what you were. That's probably why Scripture says a prophet will never be welcomed in his hometown (Luke 4:24).

Anyway, I went back to the college to drop off a recommendation form to one of my professors and it was painful. It startled me how painful it was to go back, and be there, and miss it so much.

But I have to get going on this grad school thing or it'll never happen. Which brings me to part two: Grad school.

I am scared stiff. This is big. Its huge. I have spent more time wrestling with myself/God/satan over grad school than I ever thought possible.

The master's program is another change. It didn't make me cry - thankfully, since I'd had enough of that for the day - but it sent my anxiety meter running up near to bursting. This is big (have I said that already?). This is me following God's plan... wow.

Or thisismethinkingIknowwhatGod'splanisandwhoamIkiddingwhodoIthinkIamtopresumetoknowGod'swillformylifewhenIhavescreweditupsomanytimesinthepastwhattheheckamIthinking????Ican'tdothisGoddidn'tcallmetothisIamjustfoolingmyself.

Yeah. Catch all of that? Welcome to the constant back-and-forth battle that is my life. I go through this every morning and numerous times throughout the day and its especially bad when I go to finish the application essays. God help me.

So... change is not my friend right now. I'd really like to go hide in a hole somewhere and mope about it... but alas, I am home and my kids are home. I have to be a grown-up. Phooey.

Go ahead, raise your fist!

The story of Rahab is one of those amazing redemption stories I just can't get enough of. A pagan prostitute is the many-times great grandmother of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords?! Only our God could come up with something so wonderful.

It may interest you to know some scholars theorize one of the the spies was
actually Salmon, the man Rahab later married. This may or may not be true but if
it is, talk about transforming a common object as a tool for wonders! The flax
which once hid Rahab's secret lovers now covered a man who would look past all
her sin and love her unconditionally, just as Jesus Christ continues to do for
us today. The rope which once provided a means for escape for the lowlifes who
frequented her establishment now gave God-speed to the righteous men who would secure her salvation. This same scarlet rope which once symbolized Rahab's shame now represented atonement and would be the marker that saved her life as well as the lives of her family. I get chills just thinking about it!

So do I. God is so good, isn't He? And now for the fun part:

We learned about two different kinds of people -
1. 'The Fist Shakers' respond in mortal fear for their temporal bodies.
2. The Faith Takers will experience a holy fear that will transcend their bodies and cut straight to their souls.

Burning Questions

1. When is the last time you encountered a Fist Shaker? This may be a stranger
to you or as close as a loved one in your own home. Does anything in our
description help you to understand their animosity towards God? Are you able to
have more compassion towards them?

My sister is a fist shaker. It used to be one of the many things I held against her (see previous post) but now it just makes me sad. I know that she's just running scared - scared of her past, scared of her future... and I think perhaps a bit scared of looking herself in the mirror every morning.

2. Does anything about Rahab's redemption strike a nerve? This may be a question
you would like to ponder privately. Sexual sin and/or victimization can be an
area where Satan has an enormous stronghold because it can hold so many painful and shameful memories. If Rahab teaches us anything, please know God can redeem any life and any situation, no matter how heinous it seems, and plant you
unashamedly 'in the midst of Israel'. Rahab deserved death according to Mosaic
Law, however she was shown nothing but lovingkindness by the God and nation of Israel.

Yes, her redemption strikes a nerve. There are a number of things in my life that I have seen as unredeemable. Sexual sin, victimization and the consequences of both definitely top that list. For a born and bred church girl I sure have a shameful past. Not that I believed God is incapable or unwilling to redeem the dark and ugly areas of my life, but I never thought I would be able to give them over to Him. Though, to be honest, it has always been "Israel"s response to my past that worries me more than God's.

3. Is there an area of your life in which you feel you have come full circle?
Where you've come to a place where everything and nothing are the same? (I'm
thinking Lord of the Rings when Frodo goes back to the Shire after his long
adventure. You have no clue what I just said if you are not an LOTR nerd so just
ignore this if it doesn't make sense! :)

Without a doubt. I was set on my current vocational path over a decade ago, then I took a U-turn toward disaster. Now, 10 years later I'm back on the path, but everything is different. Same schools, same plans, same calling, but the person who first started on this path and the person God has led back to it are so completely different they are almost unrecognizable. I am not the person I was, and even though I made a royal mess of things, I think I am better equipped for the calling now. (Wow. Did I just write that?).

4. When you were born again, did you gain a new appreciation for your
surroundings as Rahab did when she received the Promise along with the Promised Land? Has some old place, object, or relationship been redeemed by now serving a
'high and holy purpose'?

I had a new perspective after my conversion, but the examples that come to my mind right now are more current, and a result of God putting my life back on track. I have a relationship with my step-daughter that I never imagined possible, and only because God was working to radically change my life. And...

My scars are redeemed. I have always been ashamed of my cutting scars, even though I kept adding to them. But over the last year God has turned my scars from signs of shame to symbols of His redemptive power. I look at them now and see how much God has done in my life rather than seeing proof of how badly I've screwed my life up.

5. Believers can still be Fist Shakers. Do you have circumstances in your life
in which you find yourself shaking your fist at God? Something He has asked you
to endure, asked you to do, seemingly taken away from you? Can you see how
shaking your fist is keeping you from your Promise? (I'm not talking eternal
security here - Only abundant living.)

Yes. Yes. Yes.Yes.Yes. And yes. I believe I mentioned that I am a petulant child? Thankfully, my fits of anger and complaining have dwindled down to a day or so, or sometimes even just moments. The grief over a situation still lasts quite a while, but the actual fist-shaking is brief. Thank God.

A trip to the time-out chair

Oh boy! Discipline. My favorite subject! (NOT!)

What I am trying to say is that God keeps me on a short leash. When I run out
too far or too quickly, He jerks me back with a Holy Spirit chokehold. That will
get a girls attention every single time! So if you notice I am hoarse, a lot,
now you know why. I have learned and you should know that when He has you by the neck, it is only because He loves you. Remember, He is for you! He wants to make your name great, for His own Glory... Hebrews 12:11 reads, "All discipline
for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, yet to those who have been
trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

Praise Him for a Divine Time Out!

Uhh... yeah. Ouch.

1. Have you ever experienced trials that were best dealt with "in the family"
for either your reputation's sake or God's? You may still choose to leave
them there, but you are welcome to share if you are comfortable.

Hmm... yes. I would have to say so. There are a few things that God dealt with me privately on, because it wasn't the time or the place for public conviction. Those "secret" disciplines between the two of us only strengthen my faith in His mercy.

2. Have you ever found yourself in a bizarre circumstance and later were able to
walk someone through the same/similar situation? Did you recognize the hand
of God in it?

Bizarre? Well, that depends on your definition. =) Have I ever had a BTDT moment - one where I got myself in a heap of trouble and God fished me out - that God was able to use to help someone else? Absolutely. And yes, I saw God's hand in it - not always in the middle of it because I am what you might call a petulant child. (I hold grudges, even against God - working on it). But looking back I could see where God was leading both my friend and me to something better than we had planned for ourselves.

3. I was in my late twenties [hey look! so was I!] before I ever let myself believe God was for me instead of waiting to smack me upside the head everytime I made a mistake. Do you truly believe God is on your side?

Wow. Has that ever been a battle! When I was in the midst of my abusive marriage I thought God was punishing me for something. Every time some new crisis or devastation occurred I looked back at my life and tried to make the "punishment" fit the "crime." It was hard to see God as anything but a harsh disciplinarian when the people around me had told me my life was the way it was because of something I did or didn't do. I am working my way back from that. (And yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, there is a LOT of work to be done). My heart knows better now, but my head sometimes runs away with me.

4. If God has ever had you in the Holy Spirit Chokehold (and who hasn't He?),
how have you reacted to God's chastisement? Were you bitter? Brokenhearted?
Grateful?

Only more often than I want to admit. There is one instance in particular where I was contemplating a choice that would have had devastating consequences - I stood at the very edge of disaster and God wrapped His shepherd's crook around my neck and yanked me back. The first time God and I had an encounter over a similar choice He let me go through it and picked up the pieces after. This time He stopped me.

I had already gotten myself into a mess and was set to make another just to get out of the first. I have to admit I was a little resentful that God didn't "fix" the whole situation instead of just a part - and in fact, He'd even heaped on a double dose. It was later, when I saw His hand clearly, that my heart broke. This situation is so tied in with a personal grief that it still breaks my heart every time it comes out of the box of memories. This is one of those secret disciplines I am glad God has kept between us until such a time that He can use it.

5. Write a brief prayer of Thanksgiving for God's longsuffering.

Lord,
You are amazingly patient. Every time I realize I've done yet another something to disappoint You I am overwhelmed with the depth of your mercy and grace. Thank You Lord, for letting me make some mistakes and picking up the pieces and thank You for keeping me from others. Thank You for setting me up to be a tool in Your hand, used to show others the grace and mercy I have come to know. I love You Daddy.

He's setting me up...

Now, you shall see. When all hope is gone, when things can not get any worse.
When the debt is crushing, when the husband is unfaithful. When the child is
wayward, when the friend betrays, when the health is gone. Now is when you are
in a place to credit God for a deliverance only He can bring. And what happens
as a result? When you proclaim what He has done on your behalf, You will make
your God famous. Those who hear will either respond in worship, fear, or denial.

Oh oh oh... now I'm in for it. This lesson was like a punch to my heart (in a good way... I think) and I have started and stopped this post at least a dozen times in the last week and a half.

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how often your conversation is
seasoned with the works of the Lord on your behalf? If you speak very little of
Him, is there a reason you know of? If you speak often, how do people respond?

At church, often. At home, not often enough. At work, occasionally - when appropriate. And yes, I am cringing as I type this. Its so hard to know what to do at work... not only are there rules about staff discussing personal religious beliefs in a public school, there are rarely opportunities.

I am surrounded by children all but 45 minutes of my day and to be honest, a lot of what God has done in my life concerns topics I don't feel comfortable talking about around children. And besides, I rarely have a moment to spare that I'm not spending talking about math, reading, writing and social skills.

I tell people I'll pray for them when something comes up, and I "thank God" instead of "thank goodness." I also try to say "I've been blessed" or "God has been good" but I don't really go deeper than that unless someone asks me how I cope.

2. Have you experienced a Set Up for a Show Up when you were uncertain whether the situation was the chastisement of the Lord or a temptation of Satan?

Yes. Yes. A few hundred times yes!!

3. Have you ever or are you now experiencing any Job trials where you can still
not identify any wrong-doing on your part?

No, the problem is there's too much wrong-doing to choose from. Even when I have myself convinced I'm doing everything right, I'm doing something wrong - pride, stubborness, boastfulness, etc. I am in no danger of Satan asking God for free reign to make my life miserable... he doesn't need to do much to prove I stumble. That's sad, really.

4. Apply this principle: How can my response make my God famous? Will obedience result in my sanctification and God's Glory?

I don't know that I want to answer this right now. I know it will... and I want all of it to mean something in the big picture. I know that I can give Him the glory and that He can take whatever it is and make something wonderful out of it. But if there was ever anything I fear more than anything else it is failure. I don't want to fail God - so I don't try. Silly, since not trying is an even bigger failure, isn't it?

5. Does the origin of our affliction matter in view of the fame God can gain
from it?

I suppose it shouldn't. And I'm sure it doesn't in the big picture. It does to me though. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

This last bit really tore at me... Bethany! Where is that expectation?

When an oppression is set up, whether it originated in heart of God
or the hate of Satan, expect God to show up. He will. Every.single.time. Our
responsibility is to make sure people know what He did for you when He got
there.

Time goes by...

My nephew graduated from high-school last night.

I only know this because my brother mentioned that one of my other brothers and my sister were in town, staying at my other sister's house. There are six of us - well, really, there are five of them from my Dad's first marriage and then there's me.

My brothers are 19, 18 and 17 years older than me and my sisters (twins) are 15 years older than me. We never lived together, and while I adored and nearly idolized my sisters we were never close. Not that I didn't want to be.

One of my sisters, for reasons I am still quite unsure of, has hated or resented or felt absolutely nothing for me at all for as long as I can remember. A couple of years before my Dad died, this sister wrote him, and by extension me, out of her life forever - told us not to contact her or her boys ever again. Her reasons are a long story, but suffice it to say it was a painful thing for my dad and a source of great bitterness for me.

I have struggled for years to forgive my sister for the way she treated our father... but time and God's mercy have erased the bitterness and rage. I miss my nephews - it has been 10 years since I saw them last. I also desperately miss FAMILY.

My other siblings cater to my sister's continued bitterness. They come to town and she asks them not to contact me so they don't - or they visit for an hour or two before running back to my sister's, looking at their watches every few minutes the whole time. I miss huge family holidays... and important milestones like my nephew's graduation.

Who'd have thought I would shed a tear over that.

Its sad really. My sister has looked to all sorts of things to fill the hole she has inside her. She married rich and has a fabulous lifestyle but she is miserable. She's church-hopped and religion-hopped and dabbled with New Age psychics to heal the myriad of hurts she carries around with her.

It used to infuriate me, and now it only makes me sad. She has every thing she could possibly want that this world has to offer, and it isn't enough. It never can be enough.

She's been on my mind for months now. I never thought I would pray for her... yet here I am, interceding for a sister I can't stop loving, even though she'd rather I not exist at all.

In short...

Because I still feel faintly like I got hit by a semi.

*I have been on antibiotics for four days and my tonsils are still so swollen they are nearly touching. On-call nurse says it isnt uncommon in adults who get strep... and that strep is pretty uncommon in adults to begin with. Would someone please tell that to my tonsils? They seem to think they need to harbor the infection at least twice a year!

*I haven't heard about the job yet. Whatever happens, happens. God has a plan. Right? Right.

*My children are entirely healthy... and stir-crazy, and not at all interested in letting their poor tired mom rest. Though they did pick me flowers. (Which would have been even sweeter if they hadn't come out of the neighbor's yard and hadn't made me sneeze. LOL).

*FIVE STUDENT DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!!! 'nuf said.