My Babies... who aren't so babyish anymore.

They're beautiful, sweet, funny, loving and far too smart for my own good. These are my treasures.

I've made a lot of mistakes in their lives and I never cease to be amazed at their capacity for forgiveness. They love me and they trust me, but most importantly, they all love and trust the Lord. I can't ask for much more than that.

Friends with Benefits

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor. 6:12




This verse begins a passage on sexual immorality but despite the post title, that's not where this post is headed. Forgive my tangent from proper context and my play on words. I don't want to talk about morality - instead I want to talk about friendship.

I've had a lot of reasons to contemplate friendship over the last two weeks. None of them very pleasant, but the contemplation was necessary... and perhaps God was using this season to finally force me to see what I had ignored for so long.

I have a difficult time with friendship. I struggle to make friends, rarely get close to the friends I have and on those very few occasions where I allow myself to get close, the relationship becomes so intense (on my part) that it is unsustainable. Either I get sick of them or they get sick of me. No one can meet the expectations I put on them... no one can bear the burden I ask them to bear.

There is such a thing as sharing too much.

Sharing yourself is permissible - encouraged even - but it isn't always beneficial. There are some things that should stay in your own head. Or at least in mine.

Those friends who love me don't want to hear about every insecurity and irrational thought - it's draining. They don't really want to know that I'm sure they're eventually going to walk away. They don't really want to be in constant contact about every little crisis I make into a huge one. It isn't because they don't care; instead it's because it's exhausting and hurtful to be inundated with misery.

And no one wants to be told over and over again that I don't really trust them. That isn't friendship.

Loving someone deeply is permissible - and also encouraged - but it isn't always beneficial. I have some pretty idealistic notions about friendship and for the most part, they are highly inappropriate. Your love for your friends should never become idolatry. You should never turn to your friends over God. I should never turn to my friends over God.

I've made some egregious mistakes in that arena recently. I asked too much of the wrong people instead of looking to God for the unconditional love I was craving. The results were - are - devastating... but (on my part) not undeserved. You should never be mastered by chasing after friendship and I sinned in allowing that in myself.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Cor. 10:23, 24.

In a greater context, these two very similar passages in 1 Corinthians are talking about the freedom from legalism that we have as unbelievers. The Law is only necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. We are free to work out our own salvation with Christ as long as we don't hinder another's walk or our own witness - as long as our actions are dictated by selflessness rather that selfishness.

Friendship has similar guidelines.

Yes, friends are there to meet each other's needs, but our focus should never be on our needs being met. We need to serve our friends to the best of our ability and trust that they are willing to do the same for us. We should never demand it. I should never demand it.

Friendships are also necessary to remind us how desperately we need God's grace. And friendships should emulate our relationship with Christ rather than supplant it.

I've been truly horrible to two people I care about very much - two people who are so close to God that it hurt them to have me chase the wrong things. I failed to seek their good above my own - I failed to be a friend. Some damage is irrevocable and better for all concerned to close the doors... but the regrets are overwhelming.

Once upon a time I'd use this blog as an avenue to apologize (because I'm a bit cowardly and it seems easier that way), but things have fallen out so badly that they no longer read my blog... and I have no idea how to approach them - nor do I feel as though I have a right to. So instead I'm writing this because I need to purge... I need to be honest... and I need to find the words to say for that day in the future when I'm ready to say them.

Everything is permissible... but only God-focused and God-directed love is beneficial. If you want to be a friend - and have a friend - seek God first. The rest will come.

Maybe someday I'll have that. But not today.
There's so much more I could say - and a whole lot more I should say - but I'm running out of steam. My heart hurts.

Crazy?

...I was crazy once.

They locked me in a big round room - and told me to stand in the corner.

I walked around...
and around...
and around...
and around...

I looked for that corner but couldn't find it anywhere!
I walked! I looked!
I walked and looked and walked and looked!?!? Around and around.
Where's that corner?!??!
Why can't I find that stupid corner!!!???!!!
If I don't find that corner I'm going to go CRAZY!!!!!

Crazy? I was crazy once.

Ahem.

So... I'm contemplating something rather insane. I'm sure if I took the time to talk to any of the sane and reasonable people in my life (unfortunately those people are dwindling at an alarming rate), they would tell me the same thing that the teeny tiny rational part of my brain is telling me:

ARE YOU CRAZY? RUN!

But... I don't listen very well to my rational mind, and like I said, the reasonable people in my life have dwindled to a number that can be counted on one hand with fingers left over.

I know the fact that I'm considering this is a product of the last two weeks of upheaval. Ok, make it the last week... that first week I could have weathered, despite opinions to the contrary. I might have come out of it a little battered, but far less so than I am now. No one's fault but my own.

The past 8 days have been eye-opening. Who and what I am has never been defined more clearly. What I'm capable of - or more importantly, NOT capable of - has never been proclaimed more definitively. It's been a long, long, LONG time since I've experienced an emotional earthquake of this magnitude.

It's not just that my life is in crisis (when isn't it?)... and I'm not sure I can explain so where was I?

Oh, yes. Contemplating crazy.
I'm not even sure I want anyone to talk me out of it. Assuming there's anyone who would.
And maybe what my life needs right now it a little bit of the crazy.
Maybe "crazy" was God's intention all along and I was just running away from it.
Or maybe I just want to be reckless and stupid.

As if I could tell the difference!?

Crazy? I was crazy once.
Or twice. =)

Just Breathe

*What do you do when something that shouldn't have stunned you, did? When something you were expecting all of a sudden feels so unexpected?
*What do you do when you feel as though you've been punched in the gut and all of the wind has been knocked out of you?
*What do you do when your whole body shakes and you feel dizzy and nauseous and boxed in? When you don't know who to talk to because... well, it feels as though there isn't anyone left?
*What do you do when it feels as though everything you knew to be true (and actually liked) about yourself really isn't?
*What do you do when it feels like no one believes in you anymore?
*What do you do when you've screwed up so badly that it feels as though you can never come back from it?
*What do you do when you're sad, confused, angry, ashamed and alone?

I'll tell you what I've done.

*I ran away to things that weren't safe.
*I caved to thoughts and emotions that were ugly and dangerous.
*I drove around with all sorts of crazy ideas roaming around in my head.
*I slept a LOT... or not at all.
*I ate... nothing.
*I lashed out - or avoided - people I love.
*I stood in the sanctuary of my church...

and SCREAMED...

and yelled...

and pounded on doors... and chairs...

and demanded...

and walked in circles...

and stomped in circles...

and cried... alot...

and fell to my knees...

and fell on my face...

and, well, just all around fell...

God! I can't do this! What were You thinking when you chose me?

Me. Of all people.

Me.

So lost and confused and messed up from the inside out.

You saved me for what?

To be a prime example of how NOT to do the Christian walk?

To be the one who always falls short, always runs, always loses faith?

Why do You ask me to do hard things?

You have to know I'll only make things worse.

You have to know I'll only make a mockery of You and the grace You've given me.

You have to know I'll fail.

I always do.

I'm a screw up.

A mess.

A loser.

I'm worthless.

I know You've said I have value. I know You've said I matter.

I know You've said I have a purpose and a future.

I know You've said I have a hope...

But I just don't feel it.

I can't do this.

I can't take another step. I can't take another breath. I. Just. Can't.

Please God, tell me You CAN!?

Sometimes I think my life is nothing but chaos surrounded by crisis wrapped up in calamity... when all I really want is calm.

Yep. That's been my last two weeks, how 'bout yours?

30 Days of Thanksgiving

At the beginning of the month I answered a Facebook challenge to post something in my status that I am thankful for every day during November. Here's my list - the italicized bits are further editorial. =)

*I am thankful for a church home where I'm loved and prayed for. I am truly blessed to have found a family, dysfunctional as it may sometimes be.
*I am thankful for the end of daylight savings time so my children don't have to wait for the bus in the dark!
*I am thankful for second (70x7th) chances... I seem to need a lot of them.
*I am thankful for lunch with friends. For longer than I care to remember, I didn't have anyone I could sit with over coffee. It's amazing.
*I am thankful I can make a difference at work even when it is very very hard. And it is very, VERY hard. I'm looking for a new job even though the thought kills me.
*I am thankful for children who woke up, got themselves ready and went off to the bus stop without a single argument, whine or complaint!! (Who are they and what did they do with my children??)
*I am thankful for excellent and amazing co-workers. I work with an awesome team of people!!!!!
*I am thankful for the freedom (dare I say luxury?) to come together with fellow Christians and worship my God when I want, where I want and how I want!
*I am thankful Sarah got her cast off today! November 9th. WOOT!!!
*I am thankful for 15 more minutes to still get today's "thankfulness" in... but seriously, *I'm thankful for unexpected friendship.
*I am thankful for those who lay their lives on the line to protect the freedom we too often take for granted.
*I am thankful for hard things... can't explain it, but it's true.
*I am thankful for people who tell the truth no matter how hard it is to hear.
*I am thankful for the opportunity to speak at the HeartStrings breakfast! I was blessed to be asked and I hope God used what I shared as a blessing.
*I am thankful for the ability to give to others.
*I am thankful David is starting to squeal a little less on his violin!! He has been begging to play for years and he was so excited to find out that 5th graders could do orchestra. I am excited for the day it actually sounds like a violin. =)
*I am thankful for reprieves... even temporary ones.
*I am thankful for children who are learning to make good choices despite the circumstances.
*I am thankful for the many cultural opportunities at work. Going to another Native American Sweat today.
*I am thankful for distractions.
*I am thankful for people who tell me I deserve better.
*I am thankful that the big branch that hit the house last night missed the skylight. We had a nasty storm that night with downed trees and powerlines all over the area.
*I am thankful that Sarah's friend Daphne should be coming home today. She had H1N1 and was in the hospital for over a week.
*I am thankful for migraine meds... especially when the migraines come out of the blue like a ton of bricks. Over the last month I've maxed out on my "do not take for more than three days in a row" migraine medication 5 times. Fun.
*I am thankful that it hasn't gotten hard to find something to be thankful for... until today. Urg. Seriously though, I'm thankful for quiet time at home.
*I am thankful for family, friends and the simple fact that I may not get called in to work today after all. Woot. I almost had to work on Thanksgiving despite asking for it off three months ago and it was my year to have the kids.
*I am thankful that apple cider vinegar tablets and Airborne seem to be kicking the cold I am NOT getting. =)
*I am thankful that things weren't as bad as they could have been. My
children saw something they shouldn't have to see but it could have been much, MUCH worse.
*I am thankful for Thanksgiving leftovers - the ultimate comfort food.
*I am thankful for friendship that sticks through the good, the bad and the absolutely hilarious. =)

So... that's it in a nutshell. I have a lot to be thankful for - my life is filled with lots of blessings... I just needed 30 or so reminders.

What are you thankful for?

Waiting on the Harvest

Right around this time every year my family would start my favorite (sometimes) fall ritual. Out came the huge enamel stock pots (you know, the black and white speckled ones), the canning supplies and all the fruits and vegetables from our garden that had been stored in the basement.

For weeks the house would be filled with the sweet and savory scents of homemade canned vegetables, applesauce, jams and jellies, chili base, spaghetti sauce and sauerkraut (the part that was NOT my favorite - ICK!). The kitchen was full of heat and steam and spices while the basement pantry would fill with rows and rows of shiny glass jars - some purchased, some recycled - that proudly displayed the results of a season of hard work and patience.

Ah, patience.

When I'd pester him about when this plant or that would be ready, my dad would tell me, "It'll be ready when it's ready - in it's own time." I used to sit outside in the branches of one of the apple trees overlooking the garden thinking, "grow, grow, grow!" I'd wander through the garden in late July disappointed that the tomatoes were still green. I'd pick an apple and take a bite then throw it across the yard in disgust because it was awful and bitter.

Too often I approach life the same way - "when will it be ready God?" and "hurry up and grow!" and "I want it now!" And time and time again, when I take things into my own hands and rush what God has planned for me, it turns out awful and bitter.

Things come in their own time.

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us everything is made beautiful in it's time. Lamentations 3 tells us it is good to wait patiently for the Lord. 2 Peter tells us that God's time is not our own.

With all of the chaos and uncertainty and frustrations and disappointments that have filled my life lately, I've spent a lot of time asking God when He's going to hurry up and do whatever it is He's doing so I can get on with my life.

But what if my life is the waiting?

"The journey's the thing.*" We've all heard something along those lines (much to my annoyance, it keeps coming up!) - almost cliche isn't it? Well. Perhaps it's cliche because it's also the truth.

Something beautiful and precious came from all those long hours, and long months, of planting, watering, waiting, harvesting and canning: Food that had no store-bought rival and lasted long past the time the vines and bushes withered. A tradition that built our family. Memories. Life lessons. Truth.

Something beautiful and precious will come from all of life's long hours, long months and long years... it's the pressing on without knowing that makes the end result a blessing. I'm hoping I learn that lesson sooner, rather than later... but maybe that's another something I just have to wait for.

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.. Romans 8:24,25&28

*Homer, The Odyssey

Again

Well. I'm back. Miss me?

I'd like to be able to say I'm returning to the blog because I'm on a spiritual high - that I met with God in a powerful mountain-top experience that has left me feeling completely recharged and full of the Spirit. Wouldn't that be nice?

Maybe.

I'm not a fan of mountain-top experiences. I've had many of them - but they never last. Maybe it's through my own failings rather than the fault of the experience, but I always come crashing back to earth. And let me tell you, the let-down is awful. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. Maybe, if I just had more faith I could maintain that bliss forever.

Maybe.
But not today.

Because I'm not coming back to the blog on a spiritual high. I'm coming back on my knees... where I should have been all along.

Over the last three months I've jumped head-long into disaster. It didn't "just happen," it wasn't a "mistake" - it was deliberate. I can make all the excuses in the world, but I knew what I was doing was wrong and I did it anyway... is there any truer description for sin?

I stopped reaching for God... but He never stopped reaching for me.

So here I am on my knees - tired, broken and very, very sad. But I'm ok. I can't stand right now, but I can't fall either. Not a bad place to be.

I think I'm going to stay here a while.

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again
~FlyLeaf, Again