What am I thinking?

I'm really confused right now and I'm feeling a lot of things I don't understand. I wish things were cut and dry.

But they aren't.

My ex is moving 3,000 miles away. I'm incredibly happy about it, but there's a part of me that isn't. I don't know if I'm sad or angry or... what?

One day I'm going to be strong enough for a confrontation - strong enough to admit where I failed AND call him to the carpet for his own choices. I'm no where near there yet, but I have to believe that day is coming. Hard to stand up and be strong from 3,000 miles away.

The last four months have been heinous and I need him to go away. I've made a lot of stupid choices, and he's taken some of my choices away. I've tried to take the whole blame for what's happened and I've taken on fault that isn't mine. My own guilt is enough, I shouldn't try to carry his. I've lied to protect him - again. Why do I do that?

Hard as it is for me to admit, there's a part of me that still loves him, or at least very desperately wishes things were different. I want to keep giving him opportunities, even though it means getting hurt. I keep hoping that one day I'll have real value in his eyes, other than what I can do for him. I keep hoping that one day I'll be worth being treated like a treasure instead of like trash. And I know that day isn't likely to come.

And he's leaving our kids. Now, the bigger part of me knows this is a good thing. He doesn't pay attention to them, they come home miserable from visits and they don't want to go to his house unless his girlfriend/fiancee (what is she now?) is there. They aren't sad he's leaving... but he's their father. Good or bad, he's the man God has put in their lives. They don't have anyone else. They're going to miss him. And when he stops calling, they're going to wonder why he stopped loving them. They're going to wonder what they did to stop being important.

I'm going to tell them they didn't do anything... and hope they believe me.

Speaking of his whatever-she-is... yet again my kids are losing someone significant. They love her and love spending time with her. She's staying here, and although she's said she wants to continue to see them, I'm afraid it won't last. Relationships fade when there isn't anything there to tie people together. My kids have already learned this... they've experienced it too many times in the last few months. My heart aches for the hard lessons they've had to learn.

So I'm glad he's leaving, and sad he's leaving, and mad he's leaving... and I feel bad that I'm all those things.

What am I thinking?

Standing in the rain...

I live in Oregon and if you know anything about Oregon, you know it rains here. A lot. That's why it's so green and beautiful - especially on those days when it isn't raining.

It hasn't really rained a whole lot in the last week, but I'm kind of wishing it had. There's something cleansing about standing in the rain - OK, maybe you have to be a native Oregonian to think that. But any hoo... right now, standing outside in the rain sounds really good.

I can't believe I'm praying for rain.

And before you think it, I'm not in crisis. I'm ok.
I'm just sad. And tired. And a bit overwhelmed.
I have a lot on my plate right now and it feels unending.
I really want to cry or throw a tantrum, but I don't feel like there's an appropriate time or place to do that...

I have responsibilities that can't wait for a tantrum. Expectations I have to meet. Obligations I have to fulfil. Every time I turn around it seems like there's something else.

Extra responsibilities at work, a mountain of dishes that didn't get done waiting for me when I get home from work at 1am, field trips to pay for, an ever-increasing pile of bills that aren't being covered by my paycheck, a yard that I've let get completely out of hand that I have to clean up by next Tuesday or get evicted, uncomfortable therapy homework, calls home from the school, kids home from school for head lice (ICK!!), helping my kids sort through their feelings about their dad's upcoming move 3,000 miles away (without revealing my absolute JOY that he's leaving), and did I mention bills I can't pay? :::sigh:::

Where's that rain?

All that said, I really am ok. Overwhelmed, but ok.
Feels good.

Given my current mood, this song seems pretty apropos.

Stand in the Rain ~ Superchick

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,

feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,

the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering

if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from

wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

Standing.
The rain passes... the storm ends... and I'll still be standing.
Whether I feel I can make it or not, whether I feel righteous or not, whether I feel like I can stand or not, God has made me righteous in His sight. God has promised He will help me stand.

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever. Proverbs 10:35

In the rain. In the sun. I'll stand.
I'll tantrum and cry and stand through the storms that come my way.
I'll stand through the hard, confusing, overwhelming stuff I'm working through. There's a reason for it. There's purpose and meaning. And there's a promise at the end.

Crying may last for the night; but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Yup.
I'll stand.

I won't be swept away in this.

I can stand.

Raising Awareness: "Badmom" Syndrome

"Badmom" Syndrome is a serious condition that effects millions of women worldwide. It's primary symptoms are emotional dysregulation, psychosomatic paralysis and excessive anxiety.
I am one of the afflicted.


Probably, so are you.




Ok, so I might be a little bit tongue-in-cheek.
There's no real "Badmom" Syndrome but it sure feels like it sometimes.

Doesn't it?
I'll be honest for a moment here; I've been seriously suffering from "Badmom" Syndrome lately. It seems like the older my children gets, the worse I feel about my parenting. I don't think it's supposed to be this way.

In general, I just feel like I'm coming up short in so many ways. I look at all their poor choices, and struggles and all of the "bad stuff" going on in their lives and I just know it's all my fault.

Oh, those poor choices get to me. Poor choices in language. Poor choices in friends. Poor choices in behavior. All my fault.

Yep. "Badmom" syndrome at it's worst.

Yet if I'm honest with myself, I have a lot of areas to work on AND I'm still doing the best I can at this moment. I could wish for a lot of things and feel bad because I don't have/do/say them... or I could accept life as it is right now and try to make the most of it. I could accept that my children will make poor choices as part of their journey in life. I could accept that I won't do everything perfectly - and neither will they.

I could accept instead of wallowing. Instead of suffering under the weight of "Badmom" Syndrome. Because you know what? The real "bad moms" in the world don't think they are. The real "bad moms" don't care.

Perhaps we should look to God's example. He doesn't suffer from "Baddad" Syndrome even though His children suffer, struggle and make poor choices. After all, if He were defined by our poor choices, He wouldn't be God, would He?

But He is.
He is who He says He is, so rest in who He says you are.
That's the cure for "Badmom" Syndrome.

Reverse

How do we hit the rewind button on our thinking? How can we possibly reverse all of the damage that is done to our hearts and our minds by living life in a fallen world?

And what if we have doubts?
The world yells its version of the truth so loudly that sometimes even Christians struggle to hear the Voice of Truth amidst all the noise. So how can we expect the lost to hear it?




Jesus reverses our thinking. That's all there is to it.
But more than that.
He reverses death itself.

We were DEAD - not just dying - DEAD in our sin.
We're mortal and death is irreversible.
We can't just decide one day, "Oh, I don't want to be dead anymore," and resurrect ourselves.
It doesn't work that way.

Only the One who defeated death - who has the power to command life and death - can reach down into our dead-ness and spark new life. Only HIS touch can reverse the irreversible.

His.
You know, the One we sin against. The One we doubt and deny and deride and disobey.
Him.

Kinda amazing isn't it?

On to something completely frivolous...

...AND completely therapeutic!

Last week was craptastic (explain later) and under "normal" circumstances it would have reduced me to a blubbering and perhaps bloody mess.

Granted, I did spend an inordinate amount of time curled up in my church's baptismal (weird but effective!) in the past 7 days, but I'm learning that regulating my emotions does NOT mean removing them entirely.

I get to cry. And not feel stupid for it.
Anyway.

One of the skills I'm supposed to be working on is "building positive experiences." But I have to be honest, when it comes to doing things for myself, I seem to have lost all creativity. I couldn't even come up with fun activities to do. My biggest treat to myself recently was my tattoo and... well... while tats aren't excruciating, they are painful. And I'm kinda, sorta supposed to be moving away from the whole pain-as-relief thing.

I digress.
Point is, I'm not really good at fun and frivolous.

So I enlisted the help of a friend (remember that post about treatment and the whole whine about being alone? Well... sometimes you just have to open your eyes to see what God has already put in front of you) and she dragged me off to a pedicure.

MY FIRST PEDICURE EVER!!!
I know, right? Tragic. I have been seriously deprived for 32 years.

I have to admit, it was a bit surreal. I mean, I'm not exactly a fashionista, and I'm not big on feminine frills, and I HATE feet (ew). I especially hate people touching my feet. I thought my friend was going to have to strap me down, but I was amazed at how little it bothered me... perhaps the massage chair had something to do with it.

Never had that experience before either.

My feet were washed and smoothed and oiled and massaged... my toenails were clipped and shaped and painted purple. With flowers. Pretty little white flowers.

Oh my heavens.
It's amazing what the simple pleasures can do for you.

My life is complicated and likes to implode at a moment's notice.
But my toes are pretty.

Pass me Over

Pass Me Over

The blood on the lintel and posts of the door
Painting a hope for salvation
The rushing of wings in the darkest of nights
The weeping and cries of a nation.
~
Young men and mamas with babes in their arms
Daddies clutching young sons
They stand at the table with one single prayer,
"YAHWEH! Please pass us over!"

The blood and the body, the bread and the wine
"Do this so you will remember."
The bruised, the afflicted, the striped and the torn;
A ransom securing forever
~
"LORD take this cup, if it be Your will,
But Your will alone shall be done,"
He knelt in the garden alone in His prayer
"YAHWEH! Please pass me over!"

The blood on the crossbeam, the post and the nails
Painting the world with salvation
Darkness descending, God's hand tore the veil
Redeeming the sins of the nations
~
"Father forgive them!" He cried out in prayer,
"You know that they don't understand;
I am the last Lamb whose blood must be shed."
"YAHWEH! Please pass them over!"

The blood of forgiveness, the blood of my hope
The Sinless made sin just for me.
Three days, come the morning, the stone rolled away
My Jesus is risen, I'm free!
~
"Father forgive me!" I cry out in prayer,
"I know that my sins lead to death.
But I have been bought by the blood of the Lamb."
"YAHWEH! Please pass me over!"

~Bethany

Happy Resurrection Day!

Radically

When I first started dialectical behavioral therapy I wondered how I could possibly reconcile the Eastern influences with what I know to be true. I had a closed mind - not only because of everything I mentioned in the last post, but also because I didn't believe that a secular-yet-zenish program would have any truth to offer me.

And yet...

The one principle of DBT that I struggle the most with is also the one that challenges me to a deeper understanding of my relationship with Christ.

The first time my therapist introduced the principle of Radical Acceptance, I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or rage. I HATED it. Passionately.

I'm supposed to accept life as it is? Totally? Completely? Are you kidding me?

I sat in my skills group a few weeks ago watching a video about Radical Acceptance for the second time. All of a sudden I was struck by something - this is where I need to be with God.

• Freedom from suffering (and from sin) requires acceptance from deep within of what is... Doesn't it just? Sin is what is. The reality that we are sinful beings who are separated from God as a result of our choices is something we must accept. Deeply. If there is any doubt in our minds that we are sinful and desperately need God, we will never truly accept His hand on our lives. Freedom comes when we not only accept who we are, but also when we accept who He is. Which leads to the second... Acceptance is the only way out of hell.
• Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to accept the pain. How many of us fight against the life we've been given? How many of us, deep down, believe that God should have done something - anything - different to prevent all the hurts that life throws our way? How many of us, deep down, believe that things weren't supposed to happen the way they did? Most of us I would say, perhaps all. And when we focus on what "should have been" we lose sight of the reality that God has ordered everything according to his PERFECT will. Our pain has a purpose. Our trials have a purpose. Our heartache has a purpose. As hard as it is to understand, God meant for our lives to be the way they are... AND He means to change them.
• To accept something is not the same as judging it good. Just because a tragedy is part of God's plan does not mean it is good. It just works together for the good. Rape, murder, abuse, death... we do not have to approve of these things in order to accept them. They are the reality of life in a fallen world, and they are part of what has to be because we are sinful. Our sin not only makes these things possible, it makes them inevitable. We can't rise above our circumstances until we accept that they are what they are and only God can lift us up out of them.
• Acceptance of reality as it is requires an act of choice. Now, we could delve into one of the greatest theological debates of all time - free will vs. predestination - but both those spiritual extremes are a too-simplistic explanation of our relationship to Christ. God and God alone is responsible for our salvation, but we are not passive participants in God's work in our lives. The call of the Holy Spirit is a call to action.
• You have to turn your mind and commit... OVER and OVER and OVER again. Again, I don't want to stumble into the territory of "once saved, always saved" and losing your salvation, but... the Christian walk requires a daily (and sometimes hourly) renewal of our commitment to God. It requires a continuous need to die to ourselves and live for Him. It requires waking up in the morning and saying, "I accept your Lordship over my life." It requires staring in the face of temptation and saying, "I am no longer your slave." It requires a constant working out of our salvation. Every moment. Every hour. Every day.
• We are to cultivate a willing response to each situation. Our response to the various bumps in the road should be, "yes LORD!" rather than "why me?" Willingness involves giving over control of ourselves to the working of the Holy Spirit in and through us. We cannot radically accept Christ if we are not also radically willing to accept Him. Too often we act out of willfulness instead.
• Willfulness is giving up... trying to fix every situation (on our own)... refusing to tolerate the moment. Willfulness is telling God, "I can't" instead of saying, "YOU can." Or we say, "I can do this without you." We try to do things on our own and then when we fail, we often refuse to allow God to step in and pick up the pieces. Or even worse, we try to argue with God about what should have been... and think we can avoid our struggles completely if God would just cooperate and do things our way.

I'd love to be able to say I've seen the light and I not only "get" these principles, I live them out every day of my life.

But I don't.

Radical acceptance is about as easy for me as threading a camel through the eye of a needle. I fight against it at every turn. My therapist calls it treatment-interfering thinking/behaviors. My God calls it rebellion. I'm still fighting God for Lordship that was never mine - and could never be mine - to begin with.

And at times I am desperately willing... and then it gets hard, and harder... and I want to give up because it hurts.

Accepting God radically, totally and completely...? Sometimes it hurts. Who am I in the face of His holiness? Why would He bother? How could I be valuable enough for God to lay out a plan specifically for me? And if God is wrong to choose me, He obviously must be wrong in His plans for me. Or not.

Life is what it is... but more importantly, God is who He says He is.

Our LORD.

Radically.