My Label Maker

I have this nifty little lable maker, complete with QWERTY keyboard that prints out the neatest, crispest labels EVER. When I'm in an organizing mood (which, admittedly, is rare), I drag that thing out and print off label after label. We have a similar one at work and when I have a spare moment or need a distraction I start printing labels. Just one of my things.

Labels give things meaning and purpose. Labels give things identity and belonging.

They make a random drawer into a drawer that holds "Markers," and they turn cabinets into storehouses for spices, canned goods, first aid supplies, etc. They tell someone "This book belongs to..."

Labels make things valuable - or not so much.

Just look at clothing. A tiny little "DKNY" makes a plain black t-shirt worth a great deal more than a tiny little "Faded Glory." Labels tell us what to expect.

Labels give people meaning too. Labels make people valuable... or not so much.

I was visiting Lysa TerKeurst's blog a few days ago when she asked what are some of the ways her readers have labeled themselves. I thought about that for a while before replying.

My mental label maker has been awful busy.

I've taken on a lot of labels:
victim,
broken,
unlovable,
shameful,
hopeless...
These are - were - my identity... "just who I am."

I lived in these labels and they were real to me. I knew that I would never be anything else. After all, weren't they written on my heart, my soul and even my body for everyone to see? Didn't I prove them to be true over and over and over again?

But God is changing my reality and I'm working on accepting His labels: redeemed, adopted, loved, forgiven... a much better identity to live in, isn't it?

I'm working on letting God be my Label Maker.

No More

I've been finding myself at a loss for words a lot lately. Really at a loss.

Sometimes I don't speak because I can't find words I'm comfortable saying. It isn't that there aren't a lot of things going on in my head, I just don't want to share them without some serious editing.

Sometimes I don't speak because I can't find words that are more important than the ones I'm hearing. I prefer to listen - either because someone I care about has something to say, or because I need to hear the sound of someone's voice.

And then there are the times like the last week.
At these times, I don't speak because I can't find words at all.

I do a lot of crying though.

Not the bad, dark, dangerous kind of crying I've done so often, just the wordless weeping of a little girl asking her Daddy for... something.

I don't know what I'm asking. I don't really know my self right now. I've been used to living a certain way for quite some time... and things are changing. I don't know what to do with those changes.

God is grabbing 'hold of all those security blankets I've clung to and He's saying, "Let them go now."
He's taking a broom to all those dusty corners and He's saying, "Clean them up now."
He's throwing wide the doors of all those dark closets and He's saying, "Air them out now."

Let go of old habits, clean up the old thoughts, air out those old secrets.

"No more hiding, Bethany."

But God, I want to hide. I like those blankets and corners and closets. They're safe. They're comfortable. Lord, don't take them away, they're all I know. Hiding is all I know.

"No more hiding, child."

But God, can't I just - ?

"Bethany. NO. MORE."

I'll be honest, "no more" is not the answer I want to hear. When I sit crying for I-don't-know-what, "No more" is not the what I'm looking for.

But it's the what I've been given.
It's the how.
It's the why.

So I don't have a lot of words (despite the length of this post) as I sit here in this... wondering what "no more" will look like.

It's scary.

When you feel swept off your feet...

...maybe it's time to get on your knees.

This has been a hard week, but God has been faithful and has helped me through it. I'm on the knife's edge of ugly AND I'm somehow still standing - or perhaps kneeling.

Right now I'm taking a break in the middle of a 17 hour shift (I'm working a double). I was at work until 12:30am last night and had to be at work at 7:00am this morning. It's also my Friday so I am at the end of my capacity to function. I think I've downed more caffeine today than I usually consume in a week...

Jesus, please help me through the next 7 1/2 hours in a way that pleases You. "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, o LORD, my strength and my redeemer!" (Psalm 19:14). I'm not feeling kind, or understanding, or patient so please let Your kindness, understanding and patience shine through me. AMEN.

On a positive note, the reason I'm working a double today is because on the 12th I will be moving to a shift-lead position on day shift. I should be home most days by 5:30pm and will actually get to see my children. I've been praying for this for the past year and it has finally come in God's perfect timing. I love it when that happens.

Please take a moment to pray for me over the next few days - hard!hard!HARD! I desperately need it.

What am I thinking?

I'm really confused right now and I'm feeling a lot of things I don't understand. I wish things were cut and dry.

But they aren't.

My ex is moving 3,000 miles away. I'm incredibly happy about it, but there's a part of me that isn't. I don't know if I'm sad or angry or... what?

One day I'm going to be strong enough for a confrontation - strong enough to admit where I failed AND call him to the carpet for his own choices. I'm no where near there yet, but I have to believe that day is coming. Hard to stand up and be strong from 3,000 miles away.

The last four months have been heinous and I need him to go away. I've made a lot of stupid choices, and he's taken some of my choices away. I've tried to take the whole blame for what's happened and I've taken on fault that isn't mine. My own guilt is enough, I shouldn't try to carry his. I've lied to protect him - again. Why do I do that?

Hard as it is for me to admit, there's a part of me that still loves him, or at least very desperately wishes things were different. I want to keep giving him opportunities, even though it means getting hurt. I keep hoping that one day I'll have real value in his eyes, other than what I can do for him. I keep hoping that one day I'll be worth being treated like a treasure instead of like trash. And I know that day isn't likely to come.

And he's leaving our kids. Now, the bigger part of me knows this is a good thing. He doesn't pay attention to them, they come home miserable from visits and they don't want to go to his house unless his girlfriend/fiancee (what is she now?) is there. They aren't sad he's leaving... but he's their father. Good or bad, he's the man God has put in their lives. They don't have anyone else. They're going to miss him. And when he stops calling, they're going to wonder why he stopped loving them. They're going to wonder what they did to stop being important.

I'm going to tell them they didn't do anything... and hope they believe me.

Speaking of his whatever-she-is... yet again my kids are losing someone significant. They love her and love spending time with her. She's staying here, and although she's said she wants to continue to see them, I'm afraid it won't last. Relationships fade when there isn't anything there to tie people together. My kids have already learned this... they've experienced it too many times in the last few months. My heart aches for the hard lessons they've had to learn.

So I'm glad he's leaving, and sad he's leaving, and mad he's leaving... and I feel bad that I'm all those things.

What am I thinking?

Standing in the rain...

I live in Oregon and if you know anything about Oregon, you know it rains here. A lot. That's why it's so green and beautiful - especially on those days when it isn't raining.

It hasn't really rained a whole lot in the last week, but I'm kind of wishing it had. There's something cleansing about standing in the rain - OK, maybe you have to be a native Oregonian to think that. But any hoo... right now, standing outside in the rain sounds really good.

I can't believe I'm praying for rain.

And before you think it, I'm not in crisis. I'm ok.
I'm just sad. And tired. And a bit overwhelmed.
I have a lot on my plate right now and it feels unending.
I really want to cry or throw a tantrum, but I don't feel like there's an appropriate time or place to do that...

I have responsibilities that can't wait for a tantrum. Expectations I have to meet. Obligations I have to fulfil. Every time I turn around it seems like there's something else.

Extra responsibilities at work, a mountain of dishes that didn't get done waiting for me when I get home from work at 1am, field trips to pay for, an ever-increasing pile of bills that aren't being covered by my paycheck, a yard that I've let get completely out of hand that I have to clean up by next Tuesday or get evicted, uncomfortable therapy homework, calls home from the school, kids home from school for head lice (ICK!!), helping my kids sort through their feelings about their dad's upcoming move 3,000 miles away (without revealing my absolute JOY that he's leaving), and did I mention bills I can't pay? :::sigh:::

Where's that rain?

All that said, I really am ok. Overwhelmed, but ok.
Feels good.

Given my current mood, this song seems pretty apropos.

Stand in the Rain ~ Superchick

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,

feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,

the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering

if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from

wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

Standing.
The rain passes... the storm ends... and I'll still be standing.
Whether I feel I can make it or not, whether I feel righteous or not, whether I feel like I can stand or not, God has made me righteous in His sight. God has promised He will help me stand.

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever. Proverbs 10:35

In the rain. In the sun. I'll stand.
I'll tantrum and cry and stand through the storms that come my way.
I'll stand through the hard, confusing, overwhelming stuff I'm working through. There's a reason for it. There's purpose and meaning. And there's a promise at the end.

Crying may last for the night; but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Yup.
I'll stand.

I won't be swept away in this.

I can stand.

Raising Awareness: "Badmom" Syndrome

"Badmom" Syndrome is a serious condition that effects millions of women worldwide. It's primary symptoms are emotional dysregulation, psychosomatic paralysis and excessive anxiety.
I am one of the afflicted.


Probably, so are you.




Ok, so I might be a little bit tongue-in-cheek.
There's no real "Badmom" Syndrome but it sure feels like it sometimes.

Doesn't it?
I'll be honest for a moment here; I've been seriously suffering from "Badmom" Syndrome lately. It seems like the older my children gets, the worse I feel about my parenting. I don't think it's supposed to be this way.

In general, I just feel like I'm coming up short in so many ways. I look at all their poor choices, and struggles and all of the "bad stuff" going on in their lives and I just know it's all my fault.

Oh, those poor choices get to me. Poor choices in language. Poor choices in friends. Poor choices in behavior. All my fault.

Yep. "Badmom" syndrome at it's worst.

Yet if I'm honest with myself, I have a lot of areas to work on AND I'm still doing the best I can at this moment. I could wish for a lot of things and feel bad because I don't have/do/say them... or I could accept life as it is right now and try to make the most of it. I could accept that my children will make poor choices as part of their journey in life. I could accept that I won't do everything perfectly - and neither will they.

I could accept instead of wallowing. Instead of suffering under the weight of "Badmom" Syndrome. Because you know what? The real "bad moms" in the world don't think they are. The real "bad moms" don't care.

Perhaps we should look to God's example. He doesn't suffer from "Baddad" Syndrome even though His children suffer, struggle and make poor choices. After all, if He were defined by our poor choices, He wouldn't be God, would He?

But He is.
He is who He says He is, so rest in who He says you are.
That's the cure for "Badmom" Syndrome.

Reverse

How do we hit the rewind button on our thinking? How can we possibly reverse all of the damage that is done to our hearts and our minds by living life in a fallen world?

And what if we have doubts?
The world yells its version of the truth so loudly that sometimes even Christians struggle to hear the Voice of Truth amidst all the noise. So how can we expect the lost to hear it?




Jesus reverses our thinking. That's all there is to it.
But more than that.
He reverses death itself.

We were DEAD - not just dying - DEAD in our sin.
We're mortal and death is irreversible.
We can't just decide one day, "Oh, I don't want to be dead anymore," and resurrect ourselves.
It doesn't work that way.

Only the One who defeated death - who has the power to command life and death - can reach down into our dead-ness and spark new life. Only HIS touch can reverse the irreversible.

His.
You know, the One we sin against. The One we doubt and deny and deride and disobey.
Him.

Kinda amazing isn't it?