Growing up STINKS!

Who'da thunk it? Five years ago if you had told me that the prospect of a summer without a visit from my stepdaughter would have me in tears I would have laughed in your face. Loudly.

For most of my marriage to her father she was a casualty of our nasty little war. He paraded her out, showered her with gifts and spent ungodly amounts of money on activities to keep her happy. I resented her... dear God how I resented her.

He treated our children and I like we were wastes of space and air while she was the pampered princess. I thought all manner of nasty, horrible things about her. I think I may have even hated her. I can only pray that it didn't show too much.

Lord, she was just a little girl and he played us against each other - and I let him. She's such a sweet thing... she deserved better.

I never once, while wrapped up in my selfishness, considered her - how she felt, what she thought, how it all effected her.

When we still lived in MD we saw her one night every other weekend. Then when we moved to OR we saw her for a few short weeks over the summer. We were not much more than strangers... and she was helpless. 3,000 miles away from the people who could protect her. Lord knows I couldn't. And didn't.

We had no land line so she couldn't call home without borrowing a cellphone. She didn't know anyone. She had to have been miserable and so so lonely. And scared. My house was living hell for me and my children, and it was all we knew. What must it have been like for her? When she came from a home where they don't even yell at each other?

When my husband was (literally) kicking me across the room because his daughter "deserved better than the trash heap of a house I managed to keep" I never once stopped resenting her long enough to consider how she must have felt to know her stepmom was being hit because she was there.

How must she have felt to know she was the only one who wasn't getting hit or yelled at and know I practically hated her for it? Did she ever wonder if someday he'd stop treating her like a princess and target her too?

Three years ago, come July, something changed. Darned if I didn't fall madly in love with the smart, witty, wonderful young woman she had become. Darned if I didn't decide she was one of my own who needed protecting instead of being one of the enemy.

And darn it all if she didn't love me back. Loved me and forgave me and swore I would always be family, even after I left her dad. She still came and stayed with me, even when my marriage was over.

Tell me, what did I do to deserve that?

And now, this lovely young lady is practically an adult. She has demands on her time and plans for her summer that leave very little room for a former stepmom and half-siblings who are 3,000 miles away. She's trying so hard. I can tell she's torn. She's trying to squeeze us in, and it may cost her all manner of fun with her friends.

So I did something that just about killed me. I told her not to try too hard. I told her we'd miss her like crazy but its ok if she can't make it.

IT ISN'T OK!

Its probably the last chance we'd have before college and life takes her on a path so far removed from a frumpy former stepmom and four kids on the West Coast. The last summer before she's thinking about dorm rooms and jobs and the big, wide-open future.

And I gave her permission not to come. Why did I do that?? I want a piece of this last bit of her childhood. I know I don't have a right to it, don't really deserve it, but Lord do I want it.

Oh the drama!

Have you ever noticed that aluminum can lids are exactly the same size as kitchen sink drains?

Probably not. These things only happen to me.

A few days ago I was merrily (dear God, don't strike me down for that lie) scraping and rinsing the dishes (seven people's worth) after the kids were in bed and all of a sudden the sink stops draining. Thinking it is food built up in the disposal I flip the switch... and flip it right back off when it makes this strange sound. And the sink does NOT drain. Panic sets in. My disposal is VITAL. I swear. It is.

Now, I'm a pretty handy person, and can fix just about everything around the house, but tearing apart an insinkerator is not exactly on my top-ten list of things to do with my Spring Break.

I reach my hand down into the murky (did I mention there are SEVEN people living in my house), food-filled water and squished around till I hit something solid.

One of my darling helpers rinsed the green bean cans for recycling just like I asked them to... but left them in the sink. One of the lids, with its nice, neat edges courtesy of my Tupperware can opener, floated down into the drain, and wouldn't you know, it was a perfect fit! Not only was the can lid blocking the drain, but when I turned on the disposal it suctioned the thing in good and tight.

Part of me is relieved -at least temporarily- because this means there's nothing actually wrong with my disposal. The other part is at a loss... how in the world do I extricate a can lid that is wedged in tighter than the security at Fort Knox?

Ok. Before you think "well, you could use a plunger" let me say that I thought of that. And there is NO WAY I am putting one of my well-used (my kids and goddaughter plug the toilets often, have I mentioned SEVEN people???) toilet plungers in my kitchen sink. ::::blelelelelele:::: I get cold slimy shivers up my back just thinking about it. Do you have any idea what lives on those things??

And because I was the only adult home with the aforementioned sleeping children a quick run to the store was out of the question. After trying a million and one things I finally pried it out by sacrificing one of my steak knives....
....
....
And discovered there was another one directly underneath.

Oh, the drama that is my life. =)

The Best Laid Plans....

The story of my life is right there in that title. I have all sorts of plans for my life and I run along on my merry way expecting things to work out exactly as I have planned them - only I have also left God out of the equation. Then, as Lisa said, He throws a wrench in the gears... and life comes to a screeching halt.

*note: its taken me over a week to finish this. Tough one.

1. I am going to present to you a little acrostic to begin our discussion today. What is your latest NLIP? (Not Like I Planned?)

Hmm... there have been many. I suppose the most recent has been my job situation. As I've said in an earlier post, I enjoy my work very much, but it has left me feeling restless. I made all these plans to find a job that better suited my vocational goals after my graduation in December. I filled out a dozen applications and was certain that I'd be hired. My family's financial needs also played a part. My ex wasn't (still isn't) paying child support and I wasn't able to pay my bills. I was quickly approaching real financial trouble and *I* was going to figure a way out of it. Ha! I'm still in the same job, and my financial needs were met (almost to the penny) by a raise due to a contract renegotiation. I also discovered that God had placed me there for such a time as this.

2. How did you react to your NLIP? Are you still upset about it? Happy about it? Baffled by it? Explain.

I was pretty panicked over it actually... and very discouraged. I'm not upset about it now, but I still feel restless. I am still impatient for what God has planned for me. And no, I am NOT going to pray for patience. =)

3. Have you ever attempted to step into an area of ministry and found your desire rejected? Did this cause you to question God and yourself? Perhaps distrust what you perceived to be your calling?

I've received a LOT of opposition in my current position at church because of my "family situation." People have judged me and my circumstances without ever asking for my side of the story. Almost everyone, even close friends, told me I couldn't handle the position. Very discouraging, but God put this ministry in my heart and I will serve Him in it until HE moves me elsewhere.

Then there's this lifetime calling... my best friend in the world, who I just assumed would be supportive, really hasn't been. However, my doubts aren't from without but from within. I am my own worst enemy... with a little bit of help from another "enemy" as well.

4. Do you harbor any bitterness towards any individual or situation which you believe waylaid your best laid plans?

Hmm... sometimes. I know that sounds disingenuous but I don't know how to explain it. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by bitterness... but they don't last long, and I'm not even sure they're coming from me (does that make sense?).

I still struggle with bitterness/anger toward my ex. The hurt there is so deep and so ugly... and it is so hard to heal because, well... when you have a wound and you keep picking at it, it never does heal, does it?

Mostly I blame myself. I have the scars to prove it.

5. Have you had a life experience or trial that left you with a shaken faith because it ended in an NLIP? Please share if you feel free.

Oh boy have I ever. I never wanted my marriage to fall apart. I never wanted to be labeled a "battered woman." I never wanted to be a single mom to four children with hurts I can't fix; hurts I should have prevented. I could list a thousand things about my life over the last decade that didn't turn out as planned. And yes, I lost faith because of it. God is gracious though, and faithful, even when we aren't. Now, my faith is stronger for it. Would I go back and undo it all? I don't know.

5. Based on Moses' response of faith to his own rejection, how will you re-evaluate your own experiences or look at future ones differently if a NLIP presents itself?

Hmm... Something to think on. Not something I have an answer for yet.

The Natives are Restless

Spring has sprung swiftly and all through the halls
the children are shrieking
and running up walls

Spitballs are flying, and fists flying too
the natives are restless
the school is a zoo

The playground is soggy, the swings are in knots
the classrooms are bursting
with teens, tweens and tots

Prepared for vacation and all of its joys
freedom for girls, YES!
and freedom for boys

The teachers are pulling the hair from their heads
and dreaming of mornings
at home in their beds

Sleeping past sunrise, lounging in sweats
enjoying the silence... ah!
that's as good as it gets

One day will pass, and then a whole bundle
the buses will come
and back they'll all trundle

To classrooms so crowded, break's over too soon.
Now the teachers and students
are praying for June!

A Lady's Desire...

So here I am again... I took a week's break - the stress of last week is my excuse - but I'm back at it. Is it a blessing or a curse when you seem to get the same message from every possible angle?

1. It was stated in the Lesson that God has made you "once, twice, three times a lady." Where are you in this progression? Obviously we have all been physically born, but are you 'twice a lady'? Have you been born again spiritually? This may be a private matter you'd like to discuss confidentially. If so, email me. If you have already received this gift, write a brief prayer of thanksgiving or testimony.

Saved from myself and my sin by God's grace alone. I was broken, I was lost, and I was alone and then God "grabbed me up" out of the despair I was living in and loved me enough to forgive those things I still struggle to forgive myself for. I'll post a more thorough testimony later.

2. Are you three times a lady? Has God given you a stirring deep within your Spirit to be a 'deliverer'? Do you have a desire or are you already meeting a need in the life of the church, a particular ministry (such as jail ministry, food ministry, etc.) or perhaps individuals who share common issues?

Oh boy do I have the desire. Sometimes it feels like it is burning so brightly inside me that I'm going to go blind from the wanting. And now my fingers are in knots trying to express this. As I've said in an earlier post, I'm discovering God's plan for me where I am now, but I also know He has a great deal more in store for me.

3. Do you ever get tired of waiting for that opportunity to do something
worthwhile for God? Do you ever feel God is using someone else instead of you?

Tired of waiting? Puh-lease. I have "impatience" tattooed across my forehead. I HATE waiting. I can't even express how much I do not like to wait for anything, much less something I want this badly.

4. What do you consider 'worthwhile ministry'? Are you like me and sometimes find yourself mistakenly thinking it has to be Big to be Important?

Worthwhile ministry? Everything is worthwhile and brings glory to God if we intend that it should. I haven't always thought that way and I have to admit it is more difficult to think that way about myself.

5. Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? If yes, what are yours? If no, here's a good one from Ephesians 4 Ministry. Will you take it and come back with a response? Knowing some of you like I already do, I can almost pick out what your gift is before you say it. I can't wait to see if I'm right!

Hmm... shepherding, exhortation, teaching & mercy... all within a point or two of each other. Would you believe that the absolute LAST thing I ever wanted to do was teach? Heh. God always has plans that are different from ours, doesn't He? I love teaching now, though I still find myself doing a mental double-take when I realize I'm actually helping other adults learn more about God.

When it rains...

... it pours.

Huge bucketfulls of cold, wet, nasty, muck. And it seems like it never ends.

I don't want to go into details but basically, I did the right thing and now I'm the one under fire, and it is my family that is threatened rather than the people who should be held accountable.

I do a really good job, without any help, of heaping guilt upon myself - especially when it comes to my parenting. I was finally - finally - getting better about it. I hadn't had a really bad day for quite a while... and I guess someone decided that I was making too much progress.

Since I'm not telling myself every waking moment how horrible a person/mother I am anymore, he needed to recruit someone else to do it for me - someone with teeth and the power to pull my world out from underneath me.

I used to be so skeptical of anything that was really spiritualized. Operative words: "used to." My outlook has changed. I cannot continue to dismiss as coincidence events that appear too remarkably deliberate.

Every single time, without fail, when I have made a significant spiritual committment or breakthrough I've been hit with some kind of blow. It frightens me to admit it, but I can't help but realize that as long as I'm getting better these attacks will get worse. I know that the trials are worth it... because God says they are... but Dear Lord. Dear Lord.

I don't even know how to pray right now. All I can do is cry out and believe that God understands my heart even when I don't.

Ow Ow OWWIE!!

Last night my Bible Study group that had just finished Beth Moore's Breaking Free was getting together to write our covenant letters and seal them up in fancy envelopes with wax seals and everything. I arrived at the church with my four-child entourage and as they were all piling out of the van my 5 yo accidently kicked the 2.5 gallon jug of laundry detergent a friend had just given me (it made her itch).

The detergent fell out of the van and onto my right foot - and let me tell ya, those plastic crocs offer zilch in the way of protection from falling objects!

I am almost positive one of my toes is broken - it is swollen to nearly twice its normal size and it turned dark purple within minutes. It alternates between being completely numb and sending horrible shooting pains up my leg at the tiniest of movements. I don't have health insurance so I'm just hoping I've taped it adequately.

Work today was rough and I had the dubious pleasure of working with a particularly challenging student who had me on my feet all day. Then I get home and my daughter steps on said sore toe. Ow.

Vicodin, take me away! (If only I had some).