West of what exactly??

I'm just getting convicted left and right lately. Think God is trying to tell me something? Lord, help me take conviction to action. Between these lessons, Bible study at church and this absolutely phenomenal women's Muslim Prayer Tea (deserves a whole post of its own) I have been pummelled with God's truth. Time to wake up and discover what it is God is pounding me into.

I love this bit: "Girls, our God is one of present-tense. There is no situation where you have ever been, are in now, or are going any time in your future where He will not prove Himself to be a current solution." God has an answer to this funk I'm in, I just need to trust Him to show it to me.

1. How current is your God? Is he up to date on all your issues or do you have old hurts you still hold behind your back?

God is current, but I'm a hoarder. I've gotten so much better at this, and God is sooo patient, but it is still a real struggle to bring absolutely everything to God. I don't know what my problem is really. I know He knows, but I still refuse to talk to Him about certain things. Maybe because I'm afraid of His response? Not that He won't forgive me - that He will... that He already has. Doesn't make sense, does it?

2. Has the enemy ever told you there are situations that are 'old news' that are better left stuffed down? Or perhaps because they were so long ago they can't possibly be affecting you now?

Oh yes. I've believed a LOT of lies like that over the years. "Go ahead Bethany, hide those little secrets. They don't matter. You don't have to deal." Yeah. Right. Nevermind that they influence my decisions and direct my behavior whether I realize it or not.

3. In the matter of established authority, does God truly reign in your life? Where are you when He calls your name?

:::sigh::: Do I really have to answer this? Does He reign? Yes. Do I fight Him every step of the way? Usually.

4. Do you ever feel God has forgotten you in your 'west side of the wilderness'?

No. Not anymore. I did for a 7+ year period of my life, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never forget me. I, on the other hand, have a serious memory problem.

5. Have you ever experienced a time of cleansing where God has illuminated and rejuvenated you? If not, do you find you are in need of this now?

Standing in the need.

I was... I AM... I hope.

Another hard one.





1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?

Bewildered? Demoralized? Ok. Let me be honest here, right now I am living a pretty faithless life. It isn't that I don't believe with all my heart... because I do. However, I am having a hard time living in the joy of that belief. I am so confused right now... so many things that seemed so clear, aren't anymore. I can't even manage to fill out my grad-school applications. What does that say about me??

2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?

Not today, but on other days I would have to say it is contentment of the "decidedly" variety. There isn't much about my life that is dreamy, but I choose to be happy with what I have... And yes, I know the converse is true, I also choose not to be happy. So snap out of it Bethany! Heh.

3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?

Hmm... I miss school. A LOT. It was the one place where I felt as though I truly belonged - where I not only felt competant and capable but others treated me that way. I miss that feeling just as much, if not more, than I miss the learning.

And then there's church... church is supposed to be a sanctuary, right? Well, mine isn't right now. My ex-husband was not a nice man. Still isn't. But he is very very good at playing the part. Its part and parcel of the whole personality disorder gig.

A few months ago he started coming back to my church. He's a charmer... and his current plea to anyone who will listen is "I'm a totally changed man, but she won't forgive me. Pray that God will soften her heart?" And people listen... and judge... and my sanctuary isn't safe anymore.

4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?

Yes. But I choose not to answer this question too deeply because my current state of mind is one of self-recrimination and I'm going to avoid that pit for today.

5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?

Yes. See above. Though I will say, I know that God loves me, I know that He cares and I know that He has my best-interests at heart. That's a change from a few years ago. My problem today is more one of not asking for His help because I have decided I don't deserve it.

6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?

I certainly hope so.

Growing up STINKS!

Who'da thunk it? Five years ago if you had told me that the prospect of a summer without a visit from my stepdaughter would have me in tears I would have laughed in your face. Loudly.

For most of my marriage to her father she was a casualty of our nasty little war. He paraded her out, showered her with gifts and spent ungodly amounts of money on activities to keep her happy. I resented her... dear God how I resented her.

He treated our children and I like we were wastes of space and air while she was the pampered princess. I thought all manner of nasty, horrible things about her. I think I may have even hated her. I can only pray that it didn't show too much.

Lord, she was just a little girl and he played us against each other - and I let him. She's such a sweet thing... she deserved better.

I never once, while wrapped up in my selfishness, considered her - how she felt, what she thought, how it all effected her.

When we still lived in MD we saw her one night every other weekend. Then when we moved to OR we saw her for a few short weeks over the summer. We were not much more than strangers... and she was helpless. 3,000 miles away from the people who could protect her. Lord knows I couldn't. And didn't.

We had no land line so she couldn't call home without borrowing a cellphone. She didn't know anyone. She had to have been miserable and so so lonely. And scared. My house was living hell for me and my children, and it was all we knew. What must it have been like for her? When she came from a home where they don't even yell at each other?

When my husband was (literally) kicking me across the room because his daughter "deserved better than the trash heap of a house I managed to keep" I never once stopped resenting her long enough to consider how she must have felt to know her stepmom was being hit because she was there.

How must she have felt to know she was the only one who wasn't getting hit or yelled at and know I practically hated her for it? Did she ever wonder if someday he'd stop treating her like a princess and target her too?

Three years ago, come July, something changed. Darned if I didn't fall madly in love with the smart, witty, wonderful young woman she had become. Darned if I didn't decide she was one of my own who needed protecting instead of being one of the enemy.

And darn it all if she didn't love me back. Loved me and forgave me and swore I would always be family, even after I left her dad. She still came and stayed with me, even when my marriage was over.

Tell me, what did I do to deserve that?

And now, this lovely young lady is practically an adult. She has demands on her time and plans for her summer that leave very little room for a former stepmom and half-siblings who are 3,000 miles away. She's trying so hard. I can tell she's torn. She's trying to squeeze us in, and it may cost her all manner of fun with her friends.

So I did something that just about killed me. I told her not to try too hard. I told her we'd miss her like crazy but its ok if she can't make it.

IT ISN'T OK!

Its probably the last chance we'd have before college and life takes her on a path so far removed from a frumpy former stepmom and four kids on the West Coast. The last summer before she's thinking about dorm rooms and jobs and the big, wide-open future.

And I gave her permission not to come. Why did I do that?? I want a piece of this last bit of her childhood. I know I don't have a right to it, don't really deserve it, but Lord do I want it.

Oh the drama!

Have you ever noticed that aluminum can lids are exactly the same size as kitchen sink drains?

Probably not. These things only happen to me.

A few days ago I was merrily (dear God, don't strike me down for that lie) scraping and rinsing the dishes (seven people's worth) after the kids were in bed and all of a sudden the sink stops draining. Thinking it is food built up in the disposal I flip the switch... and flip it right back off when it makes this strange sound. And the sink does NOT drain. Panic sets in. My disposal is VITAL. I swear. It is.

Now, I'm a pretty handy person, and can fix just about everything around the house, but tearing apart an insinkerator is not exactly on my top-ten list of things to do with my Spring Break.

I reach my hand down into the murky (did I mention there are SEVEN people living in my house), food-filled water and squished around till I hit something solid.

One of my darling helpers rinsed the green bean cans for recycling just like I asked them to... but left them in the sink. One of the lids, with its nice, neat edges courtesy of my Tupperware can opener, floated down into the drain, and wouldn't you know, it was a perfect fit! Not only was the can lid blocking the drain, but when I turned on the disposal it suctioned the thing in good and tight.

Part of me is relieved -at least temporarily- because this means there's nothing actually wrong with my disposal. The other part is at a loss... how in the world do I extricate a can lid that is wedged in tighter than the security at Fort Knox?

Ok. Before you think "well, you could use a plunger" let me say that I thought of that. And there is NO WAY I am putting one of my well-used (my kids and goddaughter plug the toilets often, have I mentioned SEVEN people???) toilet plungers in my kitchen sink. ::::blelelelelele:::: I get cold slimy shivers up my back just thinking about it. Do you have any idea what lives on those things??

And because I was the only adult home with the aforementioned sleeping children a quick run to the store was out of the question. After trying a million and one things I finally pried it out by sacrificing one of my steak knives....
....
....
And discovered there was another one directly underneath.

Oh, the drama that is my life. =)

The Best Laid Plans....

The story of my life is right there in that title. I have all sorts of plans for my life and I run along on my merry way expecting things to work out exactly as I have planned them - only I have also left God out of the equation. Then, as Lisa said, He throws a wrench in the gears... and life comes to a screeching halt.

*note: its taken me over a week to finish this. Tough one.

1. I am going to present to you a little acrostic to begin our discussion today. What is your latest NLIP? (Not Like I Planned?)

Hmm... there have been many. I suppose the most recent has been my job situation. As I've said in an earlier post, I enjoy my work very much, but it has left me feeling restless. I made all these plans to find a job that better suited my vocational goals after my graduation in December. I filled out a dozen applications and was certain that I'd be hired. My family's financial needs also played a part. My ex wasn't (still isn't) paying child support and I wasn't able to pay my bills. I was quickly approaching real financial trouble and *I* was going to figure a way out of it. Ha! I'm still in the same job, and my financial needs were met (almost to the penny) by a raise due to a contract renegotiation. I also discovered that God had placed me there for such a time as this.

2. How did you react to your NLIP? Are you still upset about it? Happy about it? Baffled by it? Explain.

I was pretty panicked over it actually... and very discouraged. I'm not upset about it now, but I still feel restless. I am still impatient for what God has planned for me. And no, I am NOT going to pray for patience. =)

3. Have you ever attempted to step into an area of ministry and found your desire rejected? Did this cause you to question God and yourself? Perhaps distrust what you perceived to be your calling?

I've received a LOT of opposition in my current position at church because of my "family situation." People have judged me and my circumstances without ever asking for my side of the story. Almost everyone, even close friends, told me I couldn't handle the position. Very discouraging, but God put this ministry in my heart and I will serve Him in it until HE moves me elsewhere.

Then there's this lifetime calling... my best friend in the world, who I just assumed would be supportive, really hasn't been. However, my doubts aren't from without but from within. I am my own worst enemy... with a little bit of help from another "enemy" as well.

4. Do you harbor any bitterness towards any individual or situation which you believe waylaid your best laid plans?

Hmm... sometimes. I know that sounds disingenuous but I don't know how to explain it. There are moments when I am overwhelmed by bitterness... but they don't last long, and I'm not even sure they're coming from me (does that make sense?).

I still struggle with bitterness/anger toward my ex. The hurt there is so deep and so ugly... and it is so hard to heal because, well... when you have a wound and you keep picking at it, it never does heal, does it?

Mostly I blame myself. I have the scars to prove it.

5. Have you had a life experience or trial that left you with a shaken faith because it ended in an NLIP? Please share if you feel free.

Oh boy have I ever. I never wanted my marriage to fall apart. I never wanted to be labeled a "battered woman." I never wanted to be a single mom to four children with hurts I can't fix; hurts I should have prevented. I could list a thousand things about my life over the last decade that didn't turn out as planned. And yes, I lost faith because of it. God is gracious though, and faithful, even when we aren't. Now, my faith is stronger for it. Would I go back and undo it all? I don't know.

5. Based on Moses' response of faith to his own rejection, how will you re-evaluate your own experiences or look at future ones differently if a NLIP presents itself?

Hmm... Something to think on. Not something I have an answer for yet.

The Natives are Restless

Spring has sprung swiftly and all through the halls
the children are shrieking
and running up walls

Spitballs are flying, and fists flying too
the natives are restless
the school is a zoo

The playground is soggy, the swings are in knots
the classrooms are bursting
with teens, tweens and tots

Prepared for vacation and all of its joys
freedom for girls, YES!
and freedom for boys

The teachers are pulling the hair from their heads
and dreaming of mornings
at home in their beds

Sleeping past sunrise, lounging in sweats
enjoying the silence... ah!
that's as good as it gets

One day will pass, and then a whole bundle
the buses will come
and back they'll all trundle

To classrooms so crowded, break's over too soon.
Now the teachers and students
are praying for June!

A Lady's Desire...

So here I am again... I took a week's break - the stress of last week is my excuse - but I'm back at it. Is it a blessing or a curse when you seem to get the same message from every possible angle?

1. It was stated in the Lesson that God has made you "once, twice, three times a lady." Where are you in this progression? Obviously we have all been physically born, but are you 'twice a lady'? Have you been born again spiritually? This may be a private matter you'd like to discuss confidentially. If so, email me. If you have already received this gift, write a brief prayer of thanksgiving or testimony.

Saved from myself and my sin by God's grace alone. I was broken, I was lost, and I was alone and then God "grabbed me up" out of the despair I was living in and loved me enough to forgive those things I still struggle to forgive myself for. I'll post a more thorough testimony later.

2. Are you three times a lady? Has God given you a stirring deep within your Spirit to be a 'deliverer'? Do you have a desire or are you already meeting a need in the life of the church, a particular ministry (such as jail ministry, food ministry, etc.) or perhaps individuals who share common issues?

Oh boy do I have the desire. Sometimes it feels like it is burning so brightly inside me that I'm going to go blind from the wanting. And now my fingers are in knots trying to express this. As I've said in an earlier post, I'm discovering God's plan for me where I am now, but I also know He has a great deal more in store for me.

3. Do you ever get tired of waiting for that opportunity to do something
worthwhile for God? Do you ever feel God is using someone else instead of you?

Tired of waiting? Puh-lease. I have "impatience" tattooed across my forehead. I HATE waiting. I can't even express how much I do not like to wait for anything, much less something I want this badly.

4. What do you consider 'worthwhile ministry'? Are you like me and sometimes find yourself mistakenly thinking it has to be Big to be Important?

Worthwhile ministry? Everything is worthwhile and brings glory to God if we intend that it should. I haven't always thought that way and I have to admit it is more difficult to think that way about myself.

5. Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? If yes, what are yours? If no, here's a good one from Ephesians 4 Ministry. Will you take it and come back with a response? Knowing some of you like I already do, I can almost pick out what your gift is before you say it. I can't wait to see if I'm right!

Hmm... shepherding, exhortation, teaching & mercy... all within a point or two of each other. Would you believe that the absolute LAST thing I ever wanted to do was teach? Heh. God always has plans that are different from ours, doesn't He? I love teaching now, though I still find myself doing a mental double-take when I realize I'm actually helping other adults learn more about God.