A Full Circle - a Second Chance.

Only Caleb and Joshua trusted God to go before them into the Land while the
other ten spies discouraged the people by spreading doubt and fear. The ensuing
rebellion cost Israel forty long years and the death of the entire generation -
all because ten men did not trust their God to finish the work He had
begun by leading them out of Egypt.

Isn't that the root of a lot of rebellion? I know it has been for me. I received forgiveness, received a call but I still couldn't trust God to finish the work so I went my own way. I didn't rebel for rebellion's sake, instead I turned from God because I didn't believe His promises

Burning Questions:

1. I think we can all agree most of us find ourselves closer to God in the
struggle than without it. How does it affect you knowing that trial is what
draws you more intimately in relationship to Your God?

It makes me wish I could grow close to God without the trial. I know that the testing of our faith produces perseverence (James 1:3) but there are days when I have just had enough already. I wonder why I am such a backwards, rebellious soul that I have to endure adversity in order to deepen my relationship with my God.

2. Have you ever made a huge mistake but then found yourself in the position for
a 'do-over'? Did you make a better decision the second or third or fourth time
around? :)

Yes, I have found myself in the exact same position as previous sins and have made the better choice. I don't know that I really consider it a "do-over" though. I mean, look at Israel, an entire generation of people had to die so that the nation would have the choice again to enter or not enter the Promised land. We have to die too, to that previous sin, in order to come to the same choice again and take the righteous road.

3. Is there a 'generational sin' in your family you have overcome? This can be
anything from a lineage of unbelief to issues of many kinds. This may be a
private matter. Share if you feel liberty or quietly thank God for His
deliverance. If you have not yet been delivered, I pray with all my heart God's
Word is giving you courage to ask for help in that area

. I suppose the biggest generational sin in my family is the "sin" of silence. My parents were strong and devoted Christians and I consider them excellent examples of faith. However, I also lived in a home where no one was really honest with their emotions.

I always felt as though strong feeling, even positive feeling, was an embarassment. And we never talked about emotional issues. Honestly, I don't think we ever really talked about anything except casual conversation - weather, grades, plans for the weekend. It created an environment of silence and secrets. It created an attitude of "I will never ask for help." I can see the same in my grandparents and in what I've been told of my great-grandparents.

I am trying to teach my kids a better way. My family has been through nightmare after nightmare and I WANT my children to tell me when they're scared, sad or angry. I WANT them to express themselves and tell the truth about what they've experienced. I WANT to be as honest with them as possible. I want God to be glorified in the redemption of my past. That can't happen if I never talk about it.

4. Have you ever been misunderstood? Do you feel unforgiven for past mistakes
even though you know God has forgiven you?

At times. Mostly though, I'm my own worst enemy in this arena.

5. Is there a sister you need to extend grace towards in order to be able to
'bless God together'? Do you comprehend how your unforgiveness is hindering her
from inhabiting her own Promise? If no, do you recognize a situation within your
church body where this may be happening? If so, ask God to raise up a 'Phinehas'
(mediator) in this situation. He may just reveal the Phinehas is you. :)

Something I'll have to think about a while...

Promised Land - In or Out?

Hear me on this one, girls. We hold an amazing amount of power in our words. It
is our duty as women of God to build one another up in the Lord lest our sister
lose heart in the individual mission God has laid before her.

Women can be the most cruel, and they can be the most comforting. There is a whole lot of power in our words and to quote Uncle Ben (gotta love Spiderman!), "with great power comes great responsibility." Have you been an EN-courager or a DIS-courager?

Burning Questions:

1. We talked of the importance of encouragement when God has called us to task.
Has a lack of encouragement or even ridicule ever taken you back to a place of
insufficiency you thought you had conquered?

Oy. Yes. I can say from experience that I would much rather people beat me up than tear me down. There is nothing quite as defeating (or deafening) as ridicule from someone who should be supporting you. It is especially cruel when it comes from a fellow Christian who looks at you and echoes all the insidious little whispered bouncing around in your head. Isn't it sad when Satan uses our words to hurt our brothers and sisters in Christ?

2. Is there someone you know right now who is attempting a new ministry that
could use a world of encouragement from you? Why do you think this thing may be scary for her? Will you commit to write a note, make a call, or send an email
with a dose of courage inside?

Yes, and done.

3. Read Moses' song in Exodus 15:3-18. What line speaks to you most? Why does it touch you?

Ex 15:17 You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of your inheritance—the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established. It's the idea of sanctury that gets to me. Sanctuary to me is a "place" to rest and worship in absolute security and more than anything, I need to feel secure. Truth is, I don't really. Is that wrong? I don't know.

4. Based on the applications of living either inside or outside the Promise,
where would you now say you currently reside? (As I read your answers, if this
one point seems to have been confusing, I'll elaborate in a separate post. Again
remember I am asking this question in terms of abundant living and not in
determining salvation.;))

Hmm... surprisingly enough, I have to say IN. I have some really ugly moments, but my battle isn't really unbelief anymore. My battles are overcoming all the baggage that years of doubt and disobedience have left behind.

5. If you are 'Somewhere in the Middle' between the girl you were and the one
you want to be, how do you plan on changing that? Is there a barrier you feel
you can't climb? Knowing God is for you and this study group is for you, is
there a way we can help?

More time in the Word. More time in prayer where I am actually listening to God's direction rather than trying to tell Him how it is going to be. I have allowed my past to be a huge barrier... I need to let God take it down with a bulldozer or one brick at a time; whichever it has to be.

Loud & Clear

The pity party IS over. (Thank you Sallye). God and I had a long talk yesterday and He ironed some things out for me. Our conversation went something along the lines of God's conversation with Job:


The LORD Speaks
Job 38:1-11 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—
while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?
Job 38:36-41Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?
Job 40:1&2 The LORD said to Job:
"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!"
Job 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the LORD:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.


Yeah. That resounding crack you hear is the application of one of God's 2x4s smacking me upside the head.


I'll be honest here, one of my biggest failings is I give up when things seem impossible without ever asking or expecting God to work a miracle. When I was throwing this pity party over the weekend, I never once asked God how He was going to work things out, I just asked Him "WHY??" Despite all evidence to the contrary, more often than not, I don't expect God can do great and mighty things for me.

I've let go of a great deal of worry over the last few years, but finances still get me going every time. I have four kids who depend on me for everything and it kills me to not be able to meet their needs. It is HARD being a single mother with little hope of child support and little confidence I can support my kids on my own.

And that leads to the independence thing... :::sigh::: The problem with grad school was NEVER that God didn't intend for me to go (though I sure fell for that thought when it crept in, didn't I?). The problem was I was trying to get there on my own power.

Once God made it clear to me what His call on my life is, I took it and ran. I prayed and prayed and prayed when I was searching for direction, but once I had it my prayers were more more of a "hey, thanks for getting me started, I can get this on my own now" kind of one-sided conversation. I figured I had a call and I was good to go. I am woman! Hear me roar!

...and then crash and burn because as I was roaring I missed the huge gaping hole in front of me.

You would think I would have learned this lesson by now,right? After all, I had a very similar attitude after the first time God revealed this part of His plan for me. Thankfully my crash-and-burn was shorter and less painful this time around. Praise be to God I must have learned something.

Yes, this independence streak of mine may have cost me a semester's delay, but it isn't going to take another decade and it isn't forever. And who knows, this miracle God is working right now to produce may come in time for fall semester after all. It's time for me to sit back and let Him do it.

Promise & Purpose... :::sigh:::

Hmm... well... isn't this lesson apropos?

I pray as we have studied God's Beauty, His Sufficiency, and His Fame that you
have begun to accept the fact He has an abundant life waiting for you if you
will simply step into it. Sometimes He has to take us far enough away from our
Egypt so it will be farther to travel back there than to fight it out to Canaan.
(Exodus 13:17) Oh how I hope you are more than halfway home!

What is abundance anyway? I am fairly certain God's definition of abundance is different from my own.

In this study Lisa identifies four basic human needs:
1. A sense of self-worth
2. A Feeling of Peace and Safety
3. Assurance of provision
4. To Be Loved
I struggle with each and every one of them... which leads to the...

BURNING QUESTIONS

1. Do you struggle with a sense of self-worth? How do you perceive this has
affected the way you are able to 'keep your head upright'? If not, do you know
someone who suffers in this area?

Yes I struggle. Daily, hourly, minute-ly (no, that isn't a word). Keeping my head upright is an act of will... It is a choice I make, even when I don't feel it. Especially when I don't feel it. Which means that keeping my head up is sometimes more of a chore than a joy. Which, I guess means that it isn't really "holding my head up."

2. What are you most afraid of? Does this fear affect the way you move through
life? (Ex. Are you overprotective with children? Afraid to take risks?)

The disapproval of others - and it is paralyzing at times. Not being able to take care of my kids - I hate not knowing if next month is going to be the month I get evicted because I don't have anything left to pay rent, much less anything else... and I have FAR more faith in this arena than I did a few years ago.

3. What is one of the most marvelous ways God has provided a need? I can't wait
to hear your stories on this one!

Last winter I was in financial trouble... my job just wasn't paying enough to meet the basics (housing, utilities, food, gas). I wasn't finding another job no matter how hard I looked. Then there was a contract negotiation that increased my pay to just enough (almost to the penny) and it was retroactive so the extra check I got allowed me to pay things I was behind on. I was still living paycheck to paycheck, but as long as I had one, I could make it.

4. Steve Brown, a Moody Broadcasting Bible Teacher, is one of the first people I
ever heard teach the concept that God was not mad at me. I grew up in a
denomination that led me to believe He was in a continuous state of
disappointment over my failures. How about you? Though in your heart you know
God says He loves you, does Satan in your mind ever try to convince you
otherwise?

Yes. But I refuse to go there right now... I am already treading thin ice emotionally.

5. How close are you to your own Promised Land? Not at all, 1/2 way, almost
there? By this I mean the place of abundant living and effectiveness here on
earth, not the ultimate fulfillment in Glory! Though I hope you are going to
heaven, I don't want it to be today! :)

Bad day to ask... and while the lesson is more than appropriate, I probably should have waited for another day to do it. I have a really bad attitude. I'm so confused right now about what I can even be effective doing... I don't want to accept that my dreams aren't going to be a reality. I don't want to give up my first real vacation since having children. I don't want to be content with the way things are now.

A Note....

...about yesterday's rant: I don't for a moment doubt that God will provide for my essential needs. I do, however doubt that I am in any way capable of hearing His voice and knowing His plan. It isn't God's fault; it's mine for rushing ahead on my own - AGAIN.

• A job is a need, and He will provide.
• Siesta Fiesta is a want... He doesn't have to provide.
• The doctor's bills are ??? I don't know, but I don't believe God intends for me to not pay them.
• The van, while convenient, really isn't a need. I can take the bus to work. God may not provide.
• Gas - well, see above. If I don't have the van, I don't need gas.
• School loans - I don't think God intend for me to default on these either.
• Grad school is... a luxury. And quite possibly never in the plan to begin with. So.

I am depressed and sad and disappointed. And yes, I know. "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" So be it.

For personal venting purposes only - this is NOT an invitation to join my pity party.

I don't know if it is a lack of faith or a reality check, but things are looking bleak financially speaking. My "steps of faith" have turned out to be straight into land mines.

1) I am sick of rejection letters (and let's be honest, I am really disappointed about that job I wanted). Apparently no one (at least no one who will pay wages I can actually support my family on) wants to take a chance on a woman with less than two years of recent work experience, especially since all of that work experience has been a handful of temporary positions.

2) It looks like I am going to have to cancel my Siesta Fiesta plans. With no job and no paychecks coming after next tuesday, I can't justify the expenses. Yes, a lot of the financing for the trip was provided for me, but if I do happen to get a job I won't be able to afford the time off at this point and I can't afford the things like transportation, food and hotel that I was going to have to pay for myself. My first priority has to be my kids, not some frivilous and entirely self-serving trip.

3) The bills from the strep monster arrived this week - almost $1,000 total, not including what I paid for prescriptions. I don't have insurance and that's about what I bring home in a month. Well, about what I USED to bring home (see #1).

4) My van is demon possessed. No, not really, it just has decided to stop cooperating with me. It turns over, the fuel pump is working fine, but the electrical system just shuts itself off and van no go bye bye. Please God, tell me where I'm going to get the money to fix it?!

5) Gas prices are killing me. I spend about a quarter of my paycheck (you know, the one I won't be getting anymore) on gas. The aforementioned demon possessed van went from getting about 20 miles a gallon to 16mpg. Ouch.

6) Half of my school loans (from my previous attempt at college) have already come due and I'm already 2 months behind. I didn't know this because the notices were going to the wrong address. The other half will come due in August (thanks to #7) and I don't know that I can find a job that will cover my living expenses and my loan payments.

7) Grad school is becomming a definite IMpossibility for many, many reasons (and these are just the financially related ones):
a) during-the-day classes - how can I work AND go to school AND get to see my kids?
b) I have to have health insurance to attend classes on campus - if I don't get it through work, I have to pay for it out of pocket (do you have any idea how much health insurance costs??).
c) I have to have a plan for financing my education before being admitted... and no, "God will provide" is not an adequate answer (apparently seminaries only teach their students to take steps of faith AFTER they graduate). Which becomes increasingly complicated due to d through f below.
d) graduate programs are not eligible for federal financial aid grants. Loans only.
e) I have just been informed that the seminary I have applied to only allows their students to reach a maximum educational debt of $40,000 between both grad AND undergrad work. Which means I can get only about $3K more in loans. The remaining $23K would have to come out of pocket (do you hear my desperately hysterical laughter??).
f) Any of the other graduate programs in my chosen field of study (that are remotely close to home) allow for unlimited debt, but would leave me with over $90K in total loans by the time I graduated (big difference between 90 and 60) AND would require I essentially take nine months off work (like I can afford that?) to complete internships.

*I was apparently extremely naive when it came to the realities of school and finances. Can you hear that door slam shut? So now what God? Was I just fooling myself after all? Was I so wrong? And if I'm wrong about God's plans for me, can I really trust anything I feel, spiritually speaking?

See how quickly I lose faith and stumble?

I'm done now.

Gloria In Excelsis Deo

This lesson really struck me:

Moses had seen God in the wonders, but more important to him was knowing
God in the inmost, private places. Wonders would not be such if they weren't few
and far between. Many believers set themselves up for disappointment by becoming what James MacDonald calls 'Wonders Junkies'. They are so transfixed on the huge displays of God they can't cope during the days of small things.

I have to admit, for a long time I was a "wonder junkie." I craved those mountain top experiences with God so much that I sought another peak to climb over and over and over again. But I avoided the daily walk with Him because it just wasn't exciting enough.

Forgive the analogy, but this thrill-seeking behavior is like sex without intimacy. It can be an amazing experience, and you can become very familiar with your spouse's body and movements and physical needs, but you never get to know their soul. You are more concerned with what they can do (especially for you) than with who they are. You roll out of bed and the connection is over until the next time you get hit with the craving.

Intimacy requires knowing more, knowing deeper. Intimacy is the quiet conversations, the hand-holding, the treasuring of each other that doesn't require those extreme moments to be satisfied. Intimacy is waking up and going through the day with your spouse, even if you do nothing more than yardwork and watch TV. Intimacy is being with that person even when you aren't physically with them. Intimacy is when the real relationship happens.

How many times do we want to be with God only in those moments of excitement and wonder? How many times do we roll out of our beds in the morning and leave God behind as we go about our days? How many times do we use God for the thrills He can give us and then just walk away?

Yes. I said USE. Ouch. Can you hear that 2x4 smacking me upside the head?

Okay, so that wasn't exactly the main idea of this week's study... but it resonated. And now that I've gotten off my soap box, on to the lesson:

1. We discussed how we are God's fame and He is ours. Have you ever been in a
situation where you are applauded for your ministry and had to fight back the
idol of pride? Ever been tempted to believe your own press? It's okay to admit
it! Your testimony will help others in their resolve!

Yes. I used to write a lot, and quite well. I had a lot of pride in my writing. I was convinced that some day I'd write best-sellers and be a famous Christian author. I was prolific - I wrote devotions, op-ed type pieces, poetry, research, etc. I was a Writer and I was good. I was so wrapped up in my own pride that I forgot the Why and the Who of my writing.

Boy did I have a big head. And boy did God put up a block in my path! I got writer's block. So much so that I failed a couple of classes because I could not, no matter how hard I tried, write the papers. I pretty much stopped writing for nearly a decade - and that is no exaggeration.

Sometimes I feel like blog-land is shaky ground for me. What if God allows a full recovery of that gift I abused and I go and misuse it again? School was a hard struggle too. I was constantly battling my need to write for my glory rather than God's. I am sure that will come up again in grad school.

Thankfully, I'm no where near as good anymore, it isn't as easy to find the words. Harder to toot my own horn. =) And yes, the temptation to take the glory when something decent comes off my fingers is very strong... but I know Who gave the words to me, and that they wouldn't be there apart from Him. I'm not called to be a writer, though God may use my writing occasionally, and now I know it.

2. Did it ever occur to you in the 3-way drama of God, Job, and Satan that Satan
was the only one outside the loop as far as Job's reactions would be? Does this
encourage you in resolving to make a fool of him when he attempts to use you to
defame the Name?

Never really thought about it before, but yes it is encouraging. Satan doesn't really know me; he knows what my flesh might want, but he has no way to know the desires and motivations of Christ-in-me. He hasn't a slightest grasp of the power God has put at my disposal. Wow. That's kind of cool. (In same way that a woman is "kind of" pregnant).

3. Are you in a situation now where you feel you are being overcome? Better yet,
are you in a situation where you should have been overcome but are not?

Hmm... yes and yes. The last two and a half years, in a lot of ways, have been more difficult than the seven years I was in the midst of a nightmare marriage. I suppose it is a difference of not knowing anything can change and knowing things can be different but still feeling the bleakness. However, God has given me the strength to weather more than I ever imagined possible. It is still a struggle, but in the end I'm still standing.

4. Have you failed in a Satan-designed trial? Can you recognize God intends for
this failure to refine and resolve you for next time? God is not out for your
destruction but your perfection!

I've failed ALOT. And yes, I can use those failures instead of being used by them. It is a lot harder to forget what God has done for me when I look back and remember the pits He pulled me out of. He has shown me time and time again that He is faithful even when I am not. That goes a LONG way toward strengthening my resolve when I'm under attack.

5. Can you describe yourself as a Wonders Junkie? Found yourself in spiritual
highs and lows depending on whether you perceived God was doing wondrous things
or not?

See soapbox above. =) I am not that person anymore. I'm really enjoying the daily walks and quiet conversations with the King of Kings. The mountain top experiences are great, but they mean more now, with all the quiet moments in between. To loosely quote Rich Mullins, He has been King of my glory AND my Prince of peace.

6. Have you ever been like Philip and had God right in your face and not
recognized Him?

No. Never. (Heh. Sarcasm). Yes. YES. There are so many times when I thought God had left me/failed me and it wasn't until much later that I could see His hand was everywhere in that situation. There were times in my life that were outright bad but they were never as bad as they could have been. I was always provided a way out. I was always forgiven. I was always given an opportunity to redeem those times the locusts have eaten.

7. Journal a brief prayer asking God for His Glory. Let it be the thing we all
desire above all else.....

Lord, make Your glory the desire of my heart and let me see You in every moment of my life rather than just in the wonder and thrill of mountain top experiences. Amen.