Counselor's orders!

I was sitting in my therapist's office expressing how worn out I feel. Then she asked me what I did to rest and recharge. As I started listing off things she stopped me mid-sentence - "No," she said, "what do you do for YOU." I was shocked when I realized that everything I do right now drains me far faster than it fills me up, especially on the heels of pneumonia.

My therapist says I need a vacation. From her lips to God's ears... please! =) I've spent the lat two days thinking about what a restful vacation would look like for me. So this is my daydream:

I'd love a week or two, but I can settle on two days and nights. Alone. I just need to be alone. I need some one-on-one time with God without any interruptions. No kids - I love them dearly, but they aren't restful. No cell phone - I am beginning to think that being available by phone 24/7 is a curse. A small beach front vacation rental on the Oregon Coast - yes, its cold this time of year, but the storms forming over the ocean are phenomenal to watch. No TV, no computer, just my Bible, a notebook, a drawing pad and a Francine Rivers novel or two. Frequent walks on the beach, freshly steamed clams and dungeness crab, a hot tub, a fireplace and sweet silence. Oh, and fudge from one of those touristy candy shacks.

Is it ever going to happen? Not likely. But its fun to dream!

Sometimes you have to get sick to get better...

There's nothing like being knocked flat on your rear to make you slow down and listen for a change. Unless you're a stubborn one, like me. Then it might take a week or two... or nine. Heh.

The week before Thanksgiving I started getting sick with what I thought was a simple cold. Couldn't possibly have been anything more serious - I got my flu shot! HA! It was just a simple cold for a week or so, then it got worse.

No, I didn't get the flu. I got pneumonia instead - of the "walking" variety. Umm yeah. I could walk... about ten steps between coughing fits. I was miserable for a long time... still am, although I do finally feel human again.

I was so sick that I threw up and saw sparklies just about every time I coughed and my chest sounded like radio static. My head pounded non-stop in time to my heartbeat and every joint in my body hurt. My chest felt as though an elephant sat on it and I was wearing a bra ten sizes too small for me. I had a fever for so long that when my temperature was "only" 100 degrees I thought I was better.

And of course, when I thought I was better I would go along on my merry way as if all was right with the world.... and then I'd land right back on my rear as bad or worse than I was before I got the harebrained idea that 100 degrees = healthy.

And why was I sick for so long, you wonder?

Well, #1 I hate doctors and don't have health insurance so it took me forever to see someone. #2 I have this niggling suspicion that God was trying to speak to me and I wouldn't slow down or shut up long enough to listen. (I wish I could say I learned my lesson on both parts, but chances are I'll do this again someday).

So, what was God trying to say?

STOP TRYING TO DO *MY* WORK WITHOUT *ME*! And Bethany, stop letting anyone else tell you who you are, including yourself! You are who *I* say you are because you are Mine.

OK God, I get it, or do I?

I've spent a lot of time listening to what other people have had to say about me and, unfortunately, I've only been hearing the negative. I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in all of the lies I was hearing that I walled myself in and walled God out. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do things by myself that I was never meant to do alone. I stopped having conversations with God - instead I just checked in once in a while with a "hi God, could you _____ ?" - and I stopped seeking Him through scripture too.

It's a miserable existence.

So God slowed me down, shut me up, and reminded me of who I am and to Whom I should be listening. I'm still working on the lesson, but I'm getting there (and getting better too!).

A God of Second Chances

When I was 19 years old, God grabbed 'hold of my heart in a powerful way. He put a very clear calling on my life and opened countless doors to make this new desire of my heart happen.

Then, somewhere along the way I turned God's plan into MY plan and things started going horribly wrong.

I met a guy (not my ex-husband). I liked him. He liked me. He was headed for full-time Christian ministry and he seemed to fit perfectly into "God's Plan" for my life (the plan I hijacked and made my own). God had given me everything else I wanted and I decided it was time He gave me a help-mate too. Ha!

It ended badly... so badly it changed everything in my life more dramatically than I realized.

I turned away from God. Oh sure, I paid lip-service. I went to church like I always had. I was good at going through the motions and I slipped back into that habit like sliding into my favorite worn-out robe. I did everything in the name of God and God's will without consulting Him at all.

I got involved with my ex, got pregnant and got married... starting an eight year long spiral away from Christ. A desert experience that took up nearly a third of my life. I screwed things up beyond all recognition and yet, here I stand - eleven years after that first powerful calling - having come full-circle and feeling that call again.

I can only stand in awe and wonder, looking to the Savior of my soul and my dreams, and praising Him for being a God of second chances.

God Did It!!!

Somehow, some way, God managed to get me through school. I graduated on Saturday!!!

It is so surreal. I never thought this day would come. Is it bad to admit it kind of scares me to be done? Now I have to think about grad school and the real work is about to begin.

He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it... (Philippians 1:6)

I'm hangin' on to that promise, let me tell you! The only reason I have any confidence at all is because I know God has a plan for my life and I'm along for the ride!

Slicing up my life...

I am a cutter.


By that, I do not mean that I take people's place in line, nor do I mean I employ scissors or fancy gizmos in some crafting extravaganza.


I am a cutter. An addict.

I am addicted to what is otherwise known as Self-Injurious Behavior. When I am unable or unwilling to cope with emotional upheaval in my life, or when I've torn myself down to a place of complete self-loathing I pull out a utility knife, razor blade or some other sharp implement and carve my pain into my skin.

I've hidden this reality from nearly every person in my life for almost 20 years - not easy to do when you are covered in scars. My ex-husband was blissfully ignorant and never noticed. I can count the number of people who know on one hand and have fingers left over.

It has been months (it may not seem like much, but there was a time when a week between cutting was a major accomplishment) and I would like to believe that through God's grace I have finally been freed from this bloody addiction. I know that He can free me and I am confident in His changing power. I am not, however, confident in my trust in that power. The only limits on God's ability to change my life are those I put on Him.

I am praying for lasting healing... would you pray with me too?

Carried to the Table

Another powerful song that hit me exactly where I needed it at exactly the time I needed it. I was at a Casting Crowns concert - one of the most amazing concerts I have ever experienced and the opening act sang this song that just reached into my heart and grabbed it tight. The song is Carried to the Table by Leeland. I have been moved to tears nearly every time I have heard it since... and here are the lyrics:

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

Amen and amen. Dear Lord, thank you for carrying me to Your table and making a place for me even though I have done nothing to deserve it.

Round and round we go...

I am so very tired.

I've spent the last month and a half in a rip-roaring pity party. Problem with pity parties though, is that everyone is invited but no one wants to come... and when no one comes, there isn't anyone there to help pick up the mess. It has been a very lonely past few weeks and I am exhausted - body, mind and spirit - with carrying all of this weight alone.

And feeling stupid because I don't have to. I know what I need to do, but I've gotten myself so wrapped up in self-loathing that I won't do it because I don't deserve to feel any comfort or peace.

Yes, God can take this away from me. He has in the past. I know He can do an amazing and wonderful work in my life. I know this. But I won't let Him.

Why is that? What kind of Christian am I? What is wrong with me??

And so it begins again. I can't win for losing.