I wrote the following nearly two years ago as an expansion on an AWANA object lesson... and it seems as though it was a message intended for me today.
I found it while cleaning out my files and was struck with the way God's Word echoes throughout our lives... and the realization I'm a really slow learner and it takes a long time for a message to get through. So here goes - perhaps it will be a timely message for someone else as well?
In 1968 Dr. Spence Silver invented a new glue. Although the glue was very sticky, it didn’t stay stuck. No matter how much pressure was applied, this sticky glue would come away easily every time even though it maintained its stickiness.
For nearly 10 years this glue was considered a failure by Dr. Silver and the company he worked for. The idea was sound but the product had proved unmarketable. It sat on a shelf in the research department, unused and worthless - or was it?
Then, along came Art Fry, an employee of the same company who was looking for a solution to his frustration. A member of his church choir, he had numerous paper bookmarks in his hymnal but they kept falling out. He tried to hold them in with tape but when he removed them the pages ripped.
This dilemma sent him to Dr. Silver and the research department.
Wouldn't you know, the very thing that made Dr. Silver’s glue a “failure” led to one of the best-known and most popular office products in the world!
The company Dr. Silver and Mr. Fry worked for was 3M and the product they invented was the Post-it-Note. The glue that was considered worthless became 3M's most widely sold product.
Hmm... sound familiar?
On the night of Jesus' arrest Peter was asked three times if he was one of those who was with Jesus. Three times Peter denied him.
As a spokesman for Christ in those moments, Peter was weak, unfaithful... worthless. Imagine how deeply ashamed Peter felt to know that when it really mattered, he failed the One he had named the Christ, Son of the Living God.
He could have given up. The world might say he should have given up.
But he didn't. Despite his shame and despite his failures, he took on the Great Commission and took up the reins of the infant Church. On the day of Pentecost, filled with the Holy Spirit, Peter preached Jesus' message of repentance, forgiveness and salvation.
In one single day, speaking through Peter, God drew thousands of men, women and children into His eternal family. From that day forward, until the day he was martyred, Peter lived and breathed Christ's redemption.
The fallen was lifted up.
The failure was made complete.
If you're anything like me, you've had moments where you think that God could never do with you what he did with Peter. Peter was special. Peter was the ROCK. "Who am I?" we ask, "How could God ever do anything like that with me?"
In our fear of failure, we deny Christ in us. We say, "I do not know Him!" We tell God we do not trust Him.
Perhaps you have sat on a shelf, feeling unused and worthless. A failure. Incomplete. Weak.
Beloved children of the Living God! Ask God who you are to be used by Him!
You are chosen. You are called. You are the reason God descended to earth in human flesh. You are the reason He was nailed to a cross. You are the reason He rose from the grave to conquer sin and death.
You are the bride; loved, valued, bought with a price and cherished above all else. You are His.
Next time you think you aren’t worthy enough to be used by God, remember that God’s power, like Dr. Silver’s glue, succeeds in the very things that we think make us failures.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Soaking in Joy...
Since I've been struggling to live out the joy of my salvation lately, I've done a lot of thinking and (not enough) praying. Where do I find joy? How do I find it? What times of my life were the most joyful?
Maybe if I can figure that out, I can figure out how to open my heart up to it again. And yes, I know that my lack of joy is due to my own failure to give myself over to it.
Joy can be found in the strangest of places. Some people find joy in a social setting, some find it human architecture, and some find it in magnificent displays of nature. As a young college student, I found clarity and peace getting muddy and drenched to the skin.
During some of the darkest moments of my life, I found joy sitting in the dirt under the branches of a large, vine-like bush, with the rain running down my neck.
There is something about rain that cleanses my soul. I stumbled into my bush, literally, on a particularly dreary day in September.
The rain was coming down in sheets and the first of the autumn winds was starting to kick up. The fresh, vibrant smell of dirt and leaves and all things earthy filled my nostrils and I closed my eyes to breathe deeply.
Then I tripped.
I reached out to brace myself against the bush in front of me and my hand pushed through the branches to empty air.
I found myself lying face first in a pile of leaves teeming with insects, but surrounded by what I thought was pure perfection.
The little cave-like area formed by the bush’s branches was everything I could ever want. The ground was mostly dry because of the thick, green foliage, but still moist enough to be soft and comfortable.
There was enough space to stretch out and lay staring up at the light that filtered through, and the branches were so thick that even from just a few feet away I could sit in my bush unseen. Shielded from the bulk of the rain, I could sit on that hillside for hours without being chilled.
I had found a place to think (and pray) without interruption.
I visited my bush every day, finding new moments of joy each time. A small bird perched in the branches, singing, as I sat silent and still beneath him. I once overheard a classmate propose to his sweetheart on a bench 10 feet away. While running my hands through the rich brown soil I found a funny little plastic monster that I’ve kept to this day.
It was always the simplest things that brought me the most joy.
I found my bush by accident but it was one of my greatest blessings. I met with God there, I journaled there, I cried there and I laughed there. I discovered joy there, and I discovered that joy isn’t always loud and majestic and doesn’t have to be purposefully sought out.
Sometimes we simply stumble onto joy. And sometimes, if we just close our eyes to the world around us, we fall into it with all our hearts.
Maybe if I can figure that out, I can figure out how to open my heart up to it again. And yes, I know that my lack of joy is due to my own failure to give myself over to it.
Joy can be found in the strangest of places. Some people find joy in a social setting, some find it human architecture, and some find it in magnificent displays of nature. As a young college student, I found clarity and peace getting muddy and drenched to the skin.
During some of the darkest moments of my life, I found joy sitting in the dirt under the branches of a large, vine-like bush, with the rain running down my neck.
There is something about rain that cleanses my soul. I stumbled into my bush, literally, on a particularly dreary day in September.
The rain was coming down in sheets and the first of the autumn winds was starting to kick up. The fresh, vibrant smell of dirt and leaves and all things earthy filled my nostrils and I closed my eyes to breathe deeply.
Then I tripped.
I reached out to brace myself against the bush in front of me and my hand pushed through the branches to empty air.
I found myself lying face first in a pile of leaves teeming with insects, but surrounded by what I thought was pure perfection.
The little cave-like area formed by the bush’s branches was everything I could ever want. The ground was mostly dry because of the thick, green foliage, but still moist enough to be soft and comfortable.
There was enough space to stretch out and lay staring up at the light that filtered through, and the branches were so thick that even from just a few feet away I could sit in my bush unseen. Shielded from the bulk of the rain, I could sit on that hillside for hours without being chilled.
I had found a place to think (and pray) without interruption.
I visited my bush every day, finding new moments of joy each time. A small bird perched in the branches, singing, as I sat silent and still beneath him. I once overheard a classmate propose to his sweetheart on a bench 10 feet away. While running my hands through the rich brown soil I found a funny little plastic monster that I’ve kept to this day.
It was always the simplest things that brought me the most joy.
I found my bush by accident but it was one of my greatest blessings. I met with God there, I journaled there, I cried there and I laughed there. I discovered joy there, and I discovered that joy isn’t always loud and majestic and doesn’t have to be purposefully sought out.
Sometimes we simply stumble onto joy. And sometimes, if we just close our eyes to the world around us, we fall into it with all our hearts.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Who Am I?
Oh wow. I was in an UGLY mood yesterday. I need to just get over this funk I'm in. Today's Bible study seemed especially appropriate for me.
1. How would you answer the questions, "Who Am I?"
I am God's. I am a Christian. I am a mom. Then there are various identities that come from occupation, family, etc. etc. etc. (Can you tell I'm a Human Development/Anthropology geek?) And then, if I let it, the description get ugly. So I won't let it. I am God's. That's what counts (even if don't always believe it does).
2. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt inadequate because of your lack of a 'tagline'?
Only most of my life. I've described myself as "just a [fill-in-the-blank]" more times than I can count. "Who do you think you are?" has been another popular refrain. I can identify with Moses. Oh boy can I!
3. Do you have skills or position that you believe God could use mightily if only He would?
Oy. No. God can use me mightily despite my lack of skill and position if He so chooses, and if I let Him. I have NOTHING God can use on my own.
4. Have you ever lost a position or station in life you believe could have 'helped God out' with something He has asked you to do? If you haven't lost out, do you perhaps feel you have to gain this in order to be useful to the Kingdom?
I struggle with the thought that being divorced severely limits any use God could have for me. What good is a marriage and family therapist whose marriage fell apart? And yes, I feel as though I need to be something better before God can use me in any significant way.
5. How are you with your dialogue vs. doubt conversations with God? Which does God hear most from you?
Doubt.
6. Do you believe God's Wonders become more wonderful if they originate in the ordinary? Any Scripture references come to mind?
Yes, I absolutely believe that. Believing it is true for me is an act of will I can't always bring myself to. The reference that comes to mind is, "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9).
1. How would you answer the questions, "Who Am I?"
I am God's. I am a Christian. I am a mom. Then there are various identities that come from occupation, family, etc. etc. etc. (Can you tell I'm a Human Development/Anthropology geek?) And then, if I let it, the description get ugly. So I won't let it. I am God's. That's what counts (even if don't always believe it does).
2. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt inadequate because of your lack of a 'tagline'?
Only most of my life. I've described myself as "just a [fill-in-the-blank]" more times than I can count. "Who do you think you are?" has been another popular refrain. I can identify with Moses. Oh boy can I!
3. Do you have skills or position that you believe God could use mightily if only He would?
Oy. No. God can use me mightily despite my lack of skill and position if He so chooses, and if I let Him. I have NOTHING God can use on my own.
4. Have you ever lost a position or station in life you believe could have 'helped God out' with something He has asked you to do? If you haven't lost out, do you perhaps feel you have to gain this in order to be useful to the Kingdom?
I struggle with the thought that being divorced severely limits any use God could have for me. What good is a marriage and family therapist whose marriage fell apart? And yes, I feel as though I need to be something better before God can use me in any significant way.
5. How are you with your dialogue vs. doubt conversations with God? Which does God hear most from you?
Doubt.
6. Do you believe God's Wonders become more wonderful if they originate in the ordinary? Any Scripture references come to mind?
Yes, I absolutely believe that. Believing it is true for me is an act of will I can't always bring myself to. The reference that comes to mind is, "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9).
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
A bizarre ramble...
I hate not being married.
That may seem odd considering all of the things I've had to say about my ex-husband and decimated marriage. It seems odd to say it.
It isn't the man (and definitely not the abuse) that I miss. It isn't even anything I ever had with my ex-husband that I miss. Its the things that could have been and should have been that have me sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know what I'm saying really.
He broke something in me, something so deep I don't know that it will ever truly heal. (Yes, I know, God can heal anything...) Our divorce isn't an issue of forgiveness. A lot of people don't or can't understand that and I don't have the desire or ability to explain. Some things are too private.
And now that I've gone down that rabbit trail, I realize I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of the people I know who have marriages that work.
I hate not being married. I hate not being part of a greater whole - a partnership of trust and love.
I hate that there are no loving anniversary walks on the beach. No warm hands to hold in this crazy winter-in-spring weather. No strong shoulders to lean on to help me feel safe. And yes, I hate that there isn't another person in my bed to willingly share my body with.
I hate that there would never have been those things even if I'd stay married. I hate that every single happy memory I have of my marriage was ALWAYS in the shadow of fear.
More than anything, no matter how petty it makes me, I hate that I am outside this huge club of Christian women who all have one tiny bit of common ground. Over the course of the last two and a half years my married friends have all disappeared. A dear friend of mine who is a month away from her own wedding no longer speaks to me.
The friends I have left are all divorced man-hating women who seem more miserable than anything else. And because I want more than that, they are no longer speaking to me either.
I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I want the life I dreamed of and hoped for - or even a rough approximation of it. It isn't good for woman to be alone either.
That may seem odd considering all of the things I've had to say about my ex-husband and decimated marriage. It seems odd to say it.
It isn't the man (and definitely not the abuse) that I miss. It isn't even anything I ever had with my ex-husband that I miss. Its the things that could have been and should have been that have me sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know what I'm saying really.
He broke something in me, something so deep I don't know that it will ever truly heal. (Yes, I know, God can heal anything...) Our divorce isn't an issue of forgiveness. A lot of people don't or can't understand that and I don't have the desire or ability to explain. Some things are too private.
And now that I've gone down that rabbit trail, I realize I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of the people I know who have marriages that work.
I hate not being married. I hate not being part of a greater whole - a partnership of trust and love.
I hate that there are no loving anniversary walks on the beach. No warm hands to hold in this crazy winter-in-spring weather. No strong shoulders to lean on to help me feel safe. And yes, I hate that there isn't another person in my bed to willingly share my body with.
I hate that there would never have been those things even if I'd stay married. I hate that every single happy memory I have of my marriage was ALWAYS in the shadow of fear.
More than anything, no matter how petty it makes me, I hate that I am outside this huge club of Christian women who all have one tiny bit of common ground. Over the course of the last two and a half years my married friends have all disappeared. A dear friend of mine who is a month away from her own wedding no longer speaks to me.
The friends I have left are all divorced man-hating women who seem more miserable than anything else. And because I want more than that, they are no longer speaking to me either.
I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I want the life I dreamed of and hoped for - or even a rough approximation of it. It isn't good for woman to be alone either.
Monday, April 21, 2008
West of what exactly??
I'm just getting convicted left and right lately. Think God is trying to tell me something? Lord, help me take conviction to action. Between these lessons, Bible study at church and this absolutely phenomenal women's Muslim Prayer Tea (deserves a whole post of its own) I have been pummelled with God's truth. Time to wake up and discover what it is God is pounding me into.
I love this bit: "Girls, our God is one of present-tense. There is no situation where you have ever been, are in now, or are going any time in your future where He will not prove Himself to be a current solution." God has an answer to this funk I'm in, I just need to trust Him to show it to me.
1. How current is your God? Is he up to date on all your issues or do you have old hurts you still hold behind your back?
God is current, but I'm a hoarder. I've gotten so much better at this, and God is sooo patient, but it is still a real struggle to bring absolutely everything to God. I don't know what my problem is really. I know He knows, but I still refuse to talk to Him about certain things. Maybe because I'm afraid of His response? Not that He won't forgive me - that He will... that He already has. Doesn't make sense, does it?
2. Has the enemy ever told you there are situations that are 'old news' that are better left stuffed down? Or perhaps because they were so long ago they can't possibly be affecting you now?
Oh yes. I've believed a LOT of lies like that over the years. "Go ahead Bethany, hide those little secrets. They don't matter. You don't have to deal." Yeah. Right. Nevermind that they influence my decisions and direct my behavior whether I realize it or not.
3. In the matter of established authority, does God truly reign in your life? Where are you when He calls your name?
:::sigh::: Do I really have to answer this? Does He reign? Yes. Do I fight Him every step of the way? Usually.
4. Do you ever feel God has forgotten you in your 'west side of the wilderness'?
No. Not anymore. I did for a 7+ year period of my life, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never forget me. I, on the other hand, have a serious memory problem.
5. Have you ever experienced a time of cleansing where God has illuminated and rejuvenated you? If not, do you find you are in need of this now?
Standing in the need.
I love this bit: "Girls, our God is one of present-tense. There is no situation where you have ever been, are in now, or are going any time in your future where He will not prove Himself to be a current solution." God has an answer to this funk I'm in, I just need to trust Him to show it to me.
1. How current is your God? Is he up to date on all your issues or do you have old hurts you still hold behind your back?
God is current, but I'm a hoarder. I've gotten so much better at this, and God is sooo patient, but it is still a real struggle to bring absolutely everything to God. I don't know what my problem is really. I know He knows, but I still refuse to talk to Him about certain things. Maybe because I'm afraid of His response? Not that He won't forgive me - that He will... that He already has. Doesn't make sense, does it?
2. Has the enemy ever told you there are situations that are 'old news' that are better left stuffed down? Or perhaps because they were so long ago they can't possibly be affecting you now?
Oh yes. I've believed a LOT of lies like that over the years. "Go ahead Bethany, hide those little secrets. They don't matter. You don't have to deal." Yeah. Right. Nevermind that they influence my decisions and direct my behavior whether I realize it or not.
3. In the matter of established authority, does God truly reign in your life? Where are you when He calls your name?
:::sigh::: Do I really have to answer this? Does He reign? Yes. Do I fight Him every step of the way? Usually.
4. Do you ever feel God has forgotten you in your 'west side of the wilderness'?
No. Not anymore. I did for a 7+ year period of my life, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never forget me. I, on the other hand, have a serious memory problem.
5. Have you ever experienced a time of cleansing where God has illuminated and rejuvenated you? If not, do you find you are in need of this now?
Standing in the need.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I was... I AM... I hope.
Another hard one.
1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?
Bewildered? Demoralized? Ok. Let me be honest here, right now I am living a pretty faithless life. It isn't that I don't believe with all my heart... because I do. However, I am having a hard time living in the joy of that belief. I am so confused right now... so many things that seemed so clear, aren't anymore. I can't even manage to fill out my grad-school applications. What does that say about me??
2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?
Not today, but on other days I would have to say it is contentment of the "decidedly" variety. There isn't much about my life that is dreamy, but I choose to be happy with what I have... And yes, I know the converse is true, I also choose not to be happy. So snap out of it Bethany! Heh.
3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?
Hmm... I miss school. A LOT. It was the one place where I felt as though I truly belonged - where I not only felt competant and capable but others treated me that way. I miss that feeling just as much, if not more, than I miss the learning.
And then there's church... church is supposed to be a sanctuary, right? Well, mine isn't right now. My ex-husband was not a nice man. Still isn't. But he is very very good at playing the part. Its part and parcel of the whole personality disorder gig.
A few months ago he started coming back to my church. He's a charmer... and his current plea to anyone who will listen is "I'm a totally changed man, but she won't forgive me. Pray that God will soften her heart?" And people listen... and judge... and my sanctuary isn't safe anymore.
4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?
Yes. But I choose not to answer this question too deeply because my current state of mind is one of self-recrimination and I'm going to avoid that pit for today.
5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?
Yes. See above. Though I will say, I know that God loves me, I know that He cares and I know that He has my best-interests at heart. That's a change from a few years ago. My problem today is more one of not asking for His help because I have decided I don't deserve it.
6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?
I certainly hope so.
1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?
Bewildered? Demoralized? Ok. Let me be honest here, right now I am living a pretty faithless life. It isn't that I don't believe with all my heart... because I do. However, I am having a hard time living in the joy of that belief. I am so confused right now... so many things that seemed so clear, aren't anymore. I can't even manage to fill out my grad-school applications. What does that say about me??
2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?
Not today, but on other days I would have to say it is contentment of the "decidedly" variety. There isn't much about my life that is dreamy, but I choose to be happy with what I have... And yes, I know the converse is true, I also choose not to be happy. So snap out of it Bethany! Heh.
3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?
Hmm... I miss school. A LOT. It was the one place where I felt as though I truly belonged - where I not only felt competant and capable but others treated me that way. I miss that feeling just as much, if not more, than I miss the learning.
And then there's church... church is supposed to be a sanctuary, right? Well, mine isn't right now. My ex-husband was not a nice man. Still isn't. But he is very very good at playing the part. Its part and parcel of the whole personality disorder gig.
A few months ago he started coming back to my church. He's a charmer... and his current plea to anyone who will listen is "I'm a totally changed man, but she won't forgive me. Pray that God will soften her heart?" And people listen... and judge... and my sanctuary isn't safe anymore.
4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?
Yes. But I choose not to answer this question too deeply because my current state of mind is one of self-recrimination and I'm going to avoid that pit for today.
5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?
Yes. See above. Though I will say, I know that God loves me, I know that He cares and I know that He has my best-interests at heart. That's a change from a few years ago. My problem today is more one of not asking for His help because I have decided I don't deserve it.
6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?
I certainly hope so.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Growing up STINKS!
Who'da thunk it? Five years ago if you had told me that the prospect of a summer without a visit from my stepdaughter would have me in tears I would have laughed in your face. Loudly.
For most of my marriage to her father she was a casualty of our nasty little war. He paraded her out, showered her with gifts and spent ungodly amounts of money on activities to keep her happy. I resented her... dear God how I resented her.
He treated our children and I like we were wastes of space and air while she was the pampered princess. I thought all manner of nasty, horrible things about her. I think I may have even hated her. I can only pray that it didn't show too much.
Lord, she was just a little girl and he played us against each other - and I let him. She's such a sweet thing... she deserved better.
I never once, while wrapped up in my selfishness, considered her - how she felt, what she thought, how it all effected her.
When we still lived in MD we saw her one night every other weekend. Then when we moved to OR we saw her for a few short weeks over the summer. We were not much more than strangers... and she was helpless. 3,000 miles away from the people who could protect her. Lord knows I couldn't. And didn't.
We had no land line so she couldn't call home without borrowing a cellphone. She didn't know anyone. She had to have been miserable and so so lonely. And scared. My house was living hell for me and my children, and it was all we knew. What must it have been like for her? When she came from a home where they don't even yell at each other?
When my husband was (literally) kicking me across the room because his daughter "deserved better than the trash heap of a house I managed to keep" I never once stopped resenting her long enough to consider how she must have felt to know her stepmom was being hit because she was there.
How must she have felt to know she was the only one who wasn't getting hit or yelled at and know I practically hated her for it? Did she ever wonder if someday he'd stop treating her like a princess and target her too?
Three years ago, come July, something changed. Darned if I didn't fall madly in love with the smart, witty, wonderful young woman she had become. Darned if I didn't decide she was one of my own who needed protecting instead of being one of the enemy.
And darn it all if she didn't love me back. Loved me and forgave me and swore I would always be family, even after I left her dad. She still came and stayed with me, even when my marriage was over.
Tell me, what did I do to deserve that?
And now, this lovely young lady is practically an adult. She has demands on her time and plans for her summer that leave very little room for a former stepmom and half-siblings who are 3,000 miles away. She's trying so hard. I can tell she's torn. She's trying to squeeze us in, and it may cost her all manner of fun with her friends.
So I did something that just about killed me. I told her not to try too hard. I told her we'd miss her like crazy but its ok if she can't make it.
IT ISN'T OK!
Its probably the last chance we'd have before college and life takes her on a path so far removed from a frumpy former stepmom and four kids on the West Coast. The last summer before she's thinking about dorm rooms and jobs and the big, wide-open future.
And I gave her permission not to come. Why did I do that?? I want a piece of this last bit of her childhood. I know I don't have a right to it, don't really deserve it, but Lord do I want it.
For most of my marriage to her father she was a casualty of our nasty little war. He paraded her out, showered her with gifts and spent ungodly amounts of money on activities to keep her happy. I resented her... dear God how I resented her.
He treated our children and I like we were wastes of space and air while she was the pampered princess. I thought all manner of nasty, horrible things about her. I think I may have even hated her. I can only pray that it didn't show too much.
Lord, she was just a little girl and he played us against each other - and I let him. She's such a sweet thing... she deserved better.
I never once, while wrapped up in my selfishness, considered her - how she felt, what she thought, how it all effected her.
When we still lived in MD we saw her one night every other weekend. Then when we moved to OR we saw her for a few short weeks over the summer. We were not much more than strangers... and she was helpless. 3,000 miles away from the people who could protect her. Lord knows I couldn't. And didn't.
We had no land line so she couldn't call home without borrowing a cellphone. She didn't know anyone. She had to have been miserable and so so lonely. And scared. My house was living hell for me and my children, and it was all we knew. What must it have been like for her? When she came from a home where they don't even yell at each other?
When my husband was (literally) kicking me across the room because his daughter "deserved better than the trash heap of a house I managed to keep" I never once stopped resenting her long enough to consider how she must have felt to know her stepmom was being hit because she was there.
How must she have felt to know she was the only one who wasn't getting hit or yelled at and know I practically hated her for it? Did she ever wonder if someday he'd stop treating her like a princess and target her too?
Three years ago, come July, something changed. Darned if I didn't fall madly in love with the smart, witty, wonderful young woman she had become. Darned if I didn't decide she was one of my own who needed protecting instead of being one of the enemy.
And darn it all if she didn't love me back. Loved me and forgave me and swore I would always be family, even after I left her dad. She still came and stayed with me, even when my marriage was over.
Tell me, what did I do to deserve that?
And now, this lovely young lady is practically an adult. She has demands on her time and plans for her summer that leave very little room for a former stepmom and half-siblings who are 3,000 miles away. She's trying so hard. I can tell she's torn. She's trying to squeeze us in, and it may cost her all manner of fun with her friends.
So I did something that just about killed me. I told her not to try too hard. I told her we'd miss her like crazy but its ok if she can't make it.
IT ISN'T OK!
Its probably the last chance we'd have before college and life takes her on a path so far removed from a frumpy former stepmom and four kids on the West Coast. The last summer before she's thinking about dorm rooms and jobs and the big, wide-open future.
And I gave her permission not to come. Why did I do that?? I want a piece of this last bit of her childhood. I know I don't have a right to it, don't really deserve it, but Lord do I want it.
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