A Memorial

Thirty three years ago today my mom and dad walked down the aisle and committed their lives to each other. Three and a half years ago my mom held my dad's hand as he stepped into eternity.

My dad died early in the morning on September 14, 2004. My mom, one of my brothers and I had spent the night at the hospice house, waiting for that final breath. I woke just before dawn and my mom was at my dad's side, where she always was, saying her final goodbyes.

Dad took in one long inhale, almost as if he was breathing the whole world up into himself. Mom kissed his cheek and his lips, and I leaned down to whisper in his ear, “You’ve fought the good fight Daddy, you’ve finished the race. You’ve kept the faith. It’s time to go home.” And he did.

I saw God all through that night. I saw Him in the brief expressions of joy and wonder that flit across my dad's face. I saw Him in the tears that cascaded down my mother's cheeks and the peace that filled her eyes when my dad finally let go and went home. And I saw Him in the ensuing weeks when, one after the other, men came to pay their respects and tell us how my dad had introduced them to God just by living Him every single day.

Death, for the Christian, is just as much a miracle as life. More so.

So I honor my Dad today, and the God he introduced me to and taught me to love.

Pick up that Snake! (Don't run from it)

Moses had tried to help the Israelites once to which they ridiculed him with the
response, 'who made you ruler and judge over us?' How do you recover from
that? Most of us would do exactly what Moses did. Run. Hide. Shove it down
and pretend it never happened. The problem is, whatever your 'it' is will
revisit you. It is only a matter of when.

I knew this lesson would hit home the minute I read the above. If I have learned anything over the last few years it is that the more I try to run from things, the more God puts those things back into my path until I deal with them. And the farther I run, the more ammunition I give to the enemy. And then there's this:

Girls, there is only so much time we need to spend dwelling on our past
failures, shames, and heartaches. The God who allows despair has also ordained a
deliverance.

::::sigh:::: And this:

There comes a time when it is necessary to overcome our
fear, stop wallowing in misery, and embrace the experiences of our lives for
what they are - a tool for the wonders of God. Why? 'So they will believe God
appeared to you'.

Message sent. Message received. Message absorbed this time? I hope so. This particular 2x4 is getting a bit painful in the application.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to 'go back' to a place of shame or ridicule? How did that make you feel?

Ashamed. Ridiculed. (I know, I know, obvious answers) And this horrible, heart-deep despair that, on occasion, drove me to try to atone in my own, incredibly faulty way (see here).

There are things I thought I would never - and could never - face that I have been forced to go back to again and again until I could see them through God's eyes. Praise God His eyes are so much more merciful than my own! When I saw the unforgiveable and unredeemable, God saw the transformation of ashes into beauty.

2. Is there any circumstance in your life that still has you running for cover? Share if you feel comfortable.

Depends on the day, and how much leaway I've allowed Satan to have in accusing me. Right now, my marital history has me skittish - the abuse, the divorce, all of the mistakes... it's such lovely fodder for self-flaggelation. And because I'm in the process of applying for grad school, the matter comes up... and it comes up at church all too frequently as well. I still don't know how to face this one.

3. When is the last time you felt like an overcomer?

It has been 8 months and 21 days since the last time I cut myself - long enough that it is no longer a tear-filled battle to choose a different way to cope. In this, at least, I can say without hesitation that God has made me an overcomer. Praise Him!

4. If you have not yet taken the serpent by the tail, are you willing to stop running, take hold and trust God to transform it into a tool for wonders?

I don't know what to do about the marriage/divorce thing. I don't know how to pick up this particular snake. Do I address the gossipers? Do I step down from all ministry roles? Despite the abuse and the unfaithfulness and the misery, am I in the wrong? I know I just need to trust God to work this one out in His way... but the potential, no matter how small and unlikely, that God's way may mean going back to my ex has me absolutely terrified. Shaking-crying-being-woke-up-by-nightmares terrified. Yes, I know, this snake has way too much power over me. Working on it... sort of.

5. I would like for you to write down this statement based on 1 John 2:14 somewhere you will see it often this week: "I am strong, the Word of God abides in me, and I have overcome the evil one." Memorize it. Say it over and over until you believe it. Will you do this?? Most of the time, there are no right or wrong answers, but on this one, I'm expecting a 'yes'!

Yes ma'am. I even put it on a marquee as my screen saver. Happy? =)

Flutter by...

We have BUTTERFLIES! Lovely little Painted Lady butterflies that started emerging from their chrysalises this morning. =) You'll have to pardon the picture, it was taken through netting by my cell phone camera.

The Special Ed. room I work in got caterpillars a few weeks ago and we've watched their amazing metamorphosis. It just doesn't seem possible that a wriggly, wingless eating machine can turn into such delicate thing of beauty.

I know the butterfly/christianity comparison has been done and overdone... (so bear with me)

The caterpillar's sole purpose in life is a selfish one: it eats. Some even cannibalize their brothers and sisters to ensure their own food supply. They live to consume and destroy.

Butterflies, on the other hand, live to give life. They pollenate the plants that sustain them while they seek the perfect environment to reproduce themselves. That is their function.

And then there is the concept of metamorphosis; a beautiful and apt metaphor.

...BUT I learned something interesting today.

Did you know that in order for a caterpillar to change into a butterfly it must first be completely unmade?

Before the fat little devourer can become a gentle butterfly it must first be reduced into goo. Its body is broken down into a liquid and then remade. There is so little resemblence between the infant and adult that someone who had never heard of or seen the butterfly's lifecycle wouldn't recognize that one came from the other.

Remember that moment when God pulled you from the depths of sin and claimed you as His? Do you remember falling limply at His feet and being reduced to a puddle of goo in the face of His amazing gift? I do.

God unmade me and remade me into something beautiful. He undid everything that I was and turned me into something that could give life instead of take it. He graced me with the task of sharing His amazing gift with others!

And isn't it wonderful that we can be completely unrecognizable?! Who we were before Christ is so radically different from who we are with Him that people who haven't seen us go from point A to point B can hardly believe it is the same person. Talk about amazing grace!

Not only does God change us, He completely unmakes us and our sinful, selfish purposes and then remakes us into new creatures with an entirely new purpose - to give life. HIS life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Cor. 5:17

The Glue that Wouldn't Stick - And the God that DOES.

I wrote the following nearly two years ago as an expansion on an AWANA object lesson... and it seems as though it was a message intended for me today.

I found it while cleaning out my files and was struck with the way God's Word echoes throughout our lives... and the realization I'm a really slow learner and it takes a long time for a message to get through. So here goes - perhaps it will be a timely message for someone else as well?

In 1968 Dr. Spence Silver invented a new glue. Although the glue was very sticky, it didn’t stay stuck. No matter how much pressure was applied, this sticky glue would come away easily every time even though it maintained its stickiness.

For nearly 10 years this glue was considered a failure by Dr. Silver and the company he worked for. The idea was sound but the product had proved unmarketable. It sat on a shelf in the research department, unused and worthless - or was it?

Then, along came Art Fry, an employee of the same company who was looking for a solution to his frustration. A member of his church choir, he had numerous paper bookmarks in his hymnal but they kept falling out. He tried to hold them in with tape but when he removed them the pages ripped.

This dilemma sent him to Dr. Silver and the research department.

Wouldn't you know, the very thing that made Dr. Silver’s glue a “failure” led to one of the best-known and most popular office products in the world!

The company Dr. Silver and Mr. Fry worked for was 3M and the product they invented was the Post-it-Note. The glue that was considered worthless became 3M's most widely sold product.

Hmm... sound familiar?

On the night of Jesus' arrest Peter was asked three times if he was one of those who was with Jesus. Three times Peter denied him.

As a spokesman for Christ in those moments, Peter was weak, unfaithful... worthless. Imagine how deeply ashamed Peter felt to know that when it really mattered, he failed the One he had named the Christ, Son of the Living God.

He could have given up. The world might say he should have given up.

But he didn't. Despite his shame and despite his failures, he took on the Great Commission and took up the reins of the infant Church. On the day of Pentecost, filled with the Holy Spirit, Peter preached Jesus' message of repentance, forgiveness and salvation.

In one single day, speaking through Peter, God drew thousands of men, women and children into His eternal family. From that day forward, until the day he was martyred, Peter lived and breathed Christ's redemption.

The fallen was lifted up.

The failure was made complete.

If you're anything like me, you've had moments where you think that God could never do with you what he did with Peter. Peter was special. Peter was the ROCK. "Who am I?" we ask, "How could God ever do anything like that with me?"

In our fear of failure, we deny Christ in us. We say, "I do not know Him!" We tell God we do not trust Him.

Perhaps you have sat on a shelf, feeling unused and worthless. A failure. Incomplete. Weak.

Beloved children of the Living God! Ask God who you are to be used by Him!

You are chosen. You are called. You are the reason God descended to earth in human flesh. You are the reason He was nailed to a cross. You are the reason He rose from the grave to conquer sin and death.

You are the bride; loved, valued, bought with a price and cherished above all else. You are His.

Next time you think you aren’t worthy enough to be used by God, remember that God’s power, like Dr. Silver’s glue, succeeds in the very things that we think make us failures.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Soaking in Joy...

Since I've been struggling to live out the joy of my salvation lately, I've done a lot of thinking and (not enough) praying. Where do I find joy? How do I find it? What times of my life were the most joyful?

Maybe if I can figure that out, I can figure out how to open my heart up to it again. And yes, I know that my lack of joy is due to my own failure to give myself over to it.

Joy can be found in the strangest of places. Some people find joy in a social setting, some find it human architecture, and some find it in magnificent displays of nature. As a young college student, I found clarity and peace getting muddy and drenched to the skin.

During some of the darkest moments of my life, I found joy sitting in the dirt under the branches of a large, vine-like bush, with the rain running down my neck.

There is something about rain that cleanses my soul. I stumbled into my bush, literally, on a particularly dreary day in September.

The rain was coming down in sheets and the first of the autumn winds was starting to kick up. The fresh, vibrant smell of dirt and leaves and all things earthy filled my nostrils and I closed my eyes to breathe deeply.

Then I tripped.

I reached out to brace myself against the bush in front of me and my hand pushed through the branches to empty air.

I found myself lying face first in a pile of leaves teeming with insects, but surrounded by what I thought was pure perfection.

The little cave-like area formed by the bush’s branches was everything I could ever want. The ground was mostly dry because of the thick, green foliage, but still moist enough to be soft and comfortable.

There was enough space to stretch out and lay staring up at the light that filtered through, and the branches were so thick that even from just a few feet away I could sit in my bush unseen. Shielded from the bulk of the rain, I could sit on that hillside for hours without being chilled.

I had found a place to think (and pray) without interruption.

I visited my bush every day, finding new moments of joy each time. A small bird perched in the branches, singing, as I sat silent and still beneath him. I once overheard a classmate propose to his sweetheart on a bench 10 feet away. While running my hands through the rich brown soil I found a funny little plastic monster that I’ve kept to this day.

It was always the simplest things that brought me the most joy.

I found my bush by accident but it was one of my greatest blessings. I met with God there, I journaled there, I cried there and I laughed there. I discovered joy there, and I discovered that joy isn’t always loud and majestic and doesn’t have to be purposefully sought out.

Sometimes we simply stumble onto joy. And sometimes, if we just close our eyes to the world around us, we fall into it with all our hearts.

Who Am I?

Oh wow. I was in an UGLY mood yesterday. I need to just get over this funk I'm in. Today's Bible study seemed especially appropriate for me.



1. How would you answer the questions, "Who Am I?"

I am God's. I am a Christian. I am a mom. Then there are various identities that come from occupation, family, etc. etc. etc. (Can you tell I'm a Human Development/Anthropology geek?) And then, if I let it, the description get ugly. So I won't let it. I am God's. That's what counts (even if don't always believe it does).

2. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt inadequate because of your lack of a 'tagline'?

Only most of my life. I've described myself as "just a [fill-in-the-blank]" more times than I can count. "Who do you think you are?" has been another popular refrain. I can identify with Moses. Oh boy can I!

3. Do you have skills or position that you believe God could use mightily if only He would?

Oy. No. God can use me mightily despite my lack of skill and position if He so chooses, and if I let Him. I have NOTHING God can use on my own.

4. Have you ever lost a position or station in life you believe could have 'helped God out' with something He has asked you to do? If you haven't lost out, do you perhaps feel you have to gain this in order to be useful to the Kingdom?

I struggle with the thought that being divorced severely limits any use God could have for me. What good is a marriage and family therapist whose marriage fell apart? And yes, I feel as though I need to be something better before God can use me in any significant way.

5. How are you with your dialogue vs. doubt conversations with God? Which does God hear most from you?

Doubt.

6. Do you believe God's Wonders become more wonderful if they originate in the ordinary? Any Scripture references come to mind?

Yes, I absolutely believe that. Believing it is true for me is an act of will I can't always bring myself to. The reference that comes to mind is, "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9).

A bizarre ramble...

I hate not being married.

That may seem odd considering all of the things I've had to say about my ex-husband and decimated marriage. It seems odd to say it.

It isn't the man (and definitely not the abuse) that I miss. It isn't even anything I ever had with my ex-husband that I miss. Its the things that could have been and should have been that have me sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what I'm saying really.

He broke something in me, something so deep I don't know that it will ever truly heal. (Yes, I know, God can heal anything...) Our divorce isn't an issue of forgiveness. A lot of people don't or can't understand that and I don't have the desire or ability to explain. Some things are too private.

And now that I've gone down that rabbit trail, I realize I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the people I know who have marriages that work.

I hate not being married. I hate not being part of a greater whole - a partnership of trust and love.

I hate that there are no loving anniversary walks on the beach. No warm hands to hold in this crazy winter-in-spring weather. No strong shoulders to lean on to help me feel safe. And yes, I hate that there isn't another person in my bed to willingly share my body with.

I hate that there would never have been those things even if I'd stay married. I hate that every single happy memory I have of my marriage was ALWAYS in the shadow of fear.

More than anything, no matter how petty it makes me, I hate that I am outside this huge club of Christian women who all have one tiny bit of common ground. Over the course of the last two and a half years my married friends have all disappeared. A dear friend of mine who is a month away from her own wedding no longer speaks to me.

The friends I have left are all divorced man-hating women who seem more miserable than anything else. And because I want more than that, they are no longer speaking to me either.

I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE! I want the life I dreamed of and hoped for - or even a rough approximation of it. It isn't good for woman to be alone either.