Fetus Friday ~ It's Momma Time!

::::Duh-nuh-nunuh-nun-nuh-nun-nuh Can't touch this!:::: Ok. So I just dated myself.

Mommy-time: Something that every mommy desperately needs and few mommies are willing to take.

TAKE IT.

You are not Super Mom and let me tell you right now, she's is a myth. You will not do everything perfect every moment of your child's life. You will not be able to juggle a dozen things without dropping a few occasionally (and yes, sometimes it might even be the baby!). You do not have to (and likely won't) be fulfilled entirely by motherhood.

Because, you wanna know what success is for a mother? Success is working yourself out of a job by the time your child reaches adulthood. There is life after kids and if you don't hold on to some of who you are now, you'll be lost when your kid(s) go to school or leave home.

You need to still be YOU. There is only one Being in this universe you should lose yourself completely to, and your baby is not Him.

There isn't a mother out there who doesn't need to take some time to rest and rejuvenate and be herself. And you know what? The best moms I've ever known have all made time to do things that are just for them. They kept some hobbies, they made time for themselves, they showed their children that they were people who had needs and dreams and identities apart from motherhood.

And their children? Secure. Happy. Respectful. INVOLVED human beings who love their mothers for who they are, not for what they do. And they not only respect their moms, they respect themselves.

If you don't respect yourself, your child(ren) will NEVER respect you. I learned that lesson the hard way and three years later, I'm still working on it. Because you can't be constantly filling others up if you don't take the time to be refilled yourself. You can't lift others up if you've let yourself become worn down.

Babies are needy. God made them that way for their survival. If you're breastfeeding, they need you. God designed that too. And logistically, that neediness can make it hard to get away. But please, make the time.

At first, you may only get an hour at a time. Believe me, an hour of mommy-time will feel like heaven after a day of diapers, nursing, rocking and walking. When someone offers you a few moments alone (assuming they're trustworthy), TAKE IT. Enjoy it. And if that mommy-guilt creeps in, ignore it.

You'll be a better woman and a better mom for it.

Tired & Fettered

I am angry.

Angry like I've never been before. It has been building up slowly over the last two or three months but it still feels as though it has come out of nowhere.

And I don't even know why I'm angry.

Angry at my ex? Certainly. Angry at myself? Most definitely. Angry at God? Possibly.

And yes, I know that it is no mistake that this consuming anger comes right at a time when God is speaking to me about deep-seated problems in my life. I know that it is as deliberate as my appointment with God in San Antonio.

And you know what? I am SICK of this.

There's work to be done and I can't do it when I keep tripping over my own chains.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!

I am tired of knowing I'm going the direction God is leading only to be slammed with doubt and insecurity. I am tired of being debilitated by fear that I am not worth anything to anyone and have nothing to offer.

By all that is Holy! Even if I have nothing of my own life to give, I HAVE CHRIST TO OFFER!!!

How can I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt and still allow my feelings to run away with me??

In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I cut myself. And over the last two months it has been more of a temptation than the whole rest of the year. The worst came my first night in San Antonio when I fell to pieces.

I am NOT giving up that VICTORY from God! He has done an amazing miracle in me and I am not letting that go over some stupid anger and ridiculous self-destructive insecurity! And it INFURIATES me that it has come to this. Fighting for these last 14 days.

I don't want to fight.

I am sooo tired God. Everytime I think 'I can't handle anything more,' something more comes. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so angry because every time I turn around, something else in my life falls apart. I feel useless because I can't support my children and worthless because I'm unemployed. I feel stupid because I keep falling for cheap manipulations. I feel WEAK because my life is such a mess that I need to ask for help. Lord, I haven't a clue what I'm doing. But You do. So Lord, please, take it. Because I can't.

I am an Heiress?

I hesitate to even write about the Siesta Fiesta because it seems as though my experience was so far removed from everyone else's. See, I didn't really have "fun."

I mentioned a meltdown - let me tell you right now that I was completely debilitated by terror. I cannot even begin to describe how difficult it was to even go in to the arena and sit down. And I don't know what scared me most - being completely alone and having no one to talk to or being surrounded by people who might want to talk to me.

No. Most assuredly NOT fun.

But a deliberate, purposeful and NECESSARY act of God? Absolutely. After all, I am an heir of God; my life is not left to chance.

It was a CHOICE encounter.

I could have sworn Beth's message was meant for me - despite everything (which I may or may not get into later) it was no mistake or accident that I was in San Antonio to hear God speak through Beth Moore.

Those spiritual 2x4s were swinging left and right and every single one of them hit their mark. But that phrase above...

I swear, it was like a punch to the gut. Beth said that and I literally gasped as though the wind had been knocked out of me.

Because, in a way it had.

I walk around every single day of my life wrapped up in insecurity. Is that anyway for an heiress to live?

No it isn't.

And through the words of a beautiful and dynamic spiritual POWERHOUSE, God told me He's had enough. Time to claim my inheritance.

Ouch. My head is still ringing.

San Antonio Recap Video & Siesta Fiesta Picture

I will write a recap later... I am exhausted right now.

I tried to embed the video and it didn't work so... to see the larger sized version, click here. You can also see it on the LPM blog.

And this is the "small" (I just have to laugh at that) group picture that I happened to be in with Beth, Amanda, Melissa, Travis and Kelly Minter and Vicki Courtney... and as a bonus, Lisa McKay (The Preacher's Wife) who, all weekend long, I was too shy to introduce myself to (more on that later).

So I made it...

I made it!!

I had a bit of drama when I got to my motel - "armpit" is an UNDERexaggeration. But I got over it. I had some more drama driving around downtown San Antonio. And even more when I spent three hours walking through the RiverCenter mall by myself.

I wanted to go home.

I got over that too.

See, the real problem is, this whole trip is entirely outside my comfort zone. Going to a new place, surrounded by people I don't know... The unfamiliar frightens me and I had a meltdown. And because I'm 1,500 miles away from everything I know and love (I actually REALLY miss my kids) I was terrifyingly alone. I had no one to reach out to.

Except God.

So I spent the bulk of my awake time over the last 24 hours praying to the God that will never leave me or forsake me, even if I am 1,500 miles from home.

I'm never far away from Him.

I'm never alone.

Pretty wonderful, isn't it?

Oh, and can I just say that our Creator God has a stupendous imagination? I flew over the Grand Canyon yesterday. It looks amazing from the air - when you can see for miles and still not see all of it. Our God is an awesome God.

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.
The whole earth is filled with His Glory.
(Isaiah 6:3)

Lean On Me

There's a song my mom used to sing when I was a child that I haven't thought about for a while. It came back to me today. I don't know who wrote the song or where it came from, or even if there are any verses. But here it is:

Lean on Me
When you have no strength to stand
When you feel you're going under
Hold tighter to My hand.
Lean on Me
When your heart begins to bleed
When you look and find I'm all you have
You'll find I'm all you need.

If I have had any lesson to learn recently it is that Christ is sufficient to meet all my needs. To be honest, this is a lesson I've struggled with for most of my life.

I know that I have a lot of emotional ups and downs and I seem to be in such a funk these past few weeks. Worry really takes its toll... and it is so pointless.

It does feel, sometimes, as though I am on the verge of drowning. But at the same time, I know I am always only a whisper away from the help my Savior has to offer.

I have so much more I want to say, but the words are failing me tonight. And sitting up really really hurts (stupid shingles!).

Oh, and in about 32 hours I will be getting on a plane on my way to the Siesta Fiesta... Wow!

WordRiot Clue #1 - Roofing Tiles

I mentioned how un-fun my camping trip was... aside from the dreadful heat and the out-of-control kids, I was also plagued with an excruciating reaction to a whole host of bug bites.

Only they weren't bug bites.

They started itching about a week ago. Before that, I was having weird shooting pains in my side, but I thought it was just some muscle twitching from doing a major clean-up of my house.

I was wrong on both counts.

It appears that I have shingles. AT THIRTY!!

Shingles is caused by the varicella-zoster virus, the same virus that causes
chickenpox. After you've had chickenpox, the virus lies inactive (dormant) in
your nerves. Years later, the virus may reactivate as shingles. ~ MayoClinic

I know that I whine and complain a lot. But honestly, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I mean, I had a 9 1/2 pound baby at home, on purpose, for pete's sake!

So when I say "excruciating"? Well, I mean it is the absolute WORST pain I have felt aside from the partially unmedicated root canal I had about 4 years ago (won't terrify you with the details).

And there isn't a whole lot that can be done.

Ibuprofen, topical treatments, time. Maybe. All because it never occurred to me to spend a small fortune to see a doctor for "bug bites."

So when I was hot and miserable and yelling at my kids... perhaps they weren't as bad as I thought and I need to do some apologizing (again).

Thankfully, I'm not exactly contagious unless I'm around someone who has never had CP. And even so, if I keep my skin covered (its on my abdomen so no real problem there) and don't scratch I can go to the Siesta Fiesta without worries. But it might be a little less fun.

Urg.